Hi all i havent posted for a while, been trying to get to grips with plan B.
Its been hard as h*ll i just cant get H out of my head.
Plus he has been around a few times to sort out problems with our Sons car since his accident.<p>He was here again this morning, he was pleasent as always when there is no talk of anything thats going on.
But me being me i just cant let it go and every now and then the questions just come out.<p>So i just said i guess the silence from me is good and he said its nice not to have hassle, to that i replied how did i guess thats what you would say as you just dont give a sh**.
Time to exit as usual saying i would not put it quite like that, and off he went.<p>So by now i am sooo angry, i know i should smile sweetly and grit my teeth but i i guess i lost it.
I sent a few texts saying i gave up trying and telling him i loved him etc on valentines day and obviously he has what he wants etc.<p>H just ignored it i got madder and sent a couple more, just ignored them so i rang twice no answer.
By this time i have steam coming out of my ears, as he is probably with her.
All the same if i needed to get hold of him for an emergancy.<p>All this has done is upset me yet again and he is with her as happy as larry.
When will i learn he just does not give a hoot how much i hurt.
He has what he wants but just dosent have the b*lls to end this marriage, he wants me to do his dirty work.<p>And this is why i get so angry, we have had 27 years together we have always talked about everything and been equal in our M, most of our friends wanted a M like ours.
But now this man wont even talk to me, cant see he is doing any wrong after all i threw him out!!!<p>If he is so sure why hasent he moved in with her?
Why wont he tell me its her he wants?
Why was he still sleeping with me untill i went to plan B?
Why has he not ended this farce of a marriage?<p>Im just hurting so badly, he is so arrogant and he never was, is that because he has her? and he really does not care about his family just wish i had some answers.
This has gone on way to long and i dont know which way to turn anymore.
Liz

Lizzle, <p>Are you in plan B yet? Sounds like you need to be thinkin' about it. Have you read Dr James Dobson's Love must be tough book? It might help the next time you want to take a bite out of him.....<p>L.

Hi Orchid thanx for reply, and yes i am meant to be in plan B but had a few setbacks.
Our son crashed his car and H had to sort it out so he has been around a bit.
But i havent been texting or ringing H at all (until todays slipup), so i suppose its a modified plan B.
H still comes around and sits in our bedroom on the computer while im at work, dont think OW probably knows that same as she dosent know we had been going out and H had been sleeping here.<p>So as well as lying and cheating on me to start A H has lied and cheated on her the whole 20 months.
How can that make for a good relationship??
OW married and D twice, First M i think she was BS, second M was to a MM she had A with, and from what i gather she had several A's before meeting H and divorcing her H.<p>Her H was horrible to her and did not treat her right she told H, but she must have said and done all the things she is saying to H now, the undying love did not last to long.
They were M 9 years and she told H she had nothing to do with him the last 3 years.<p>How sorry i feel for the poor girl ugh
How can they possibly ever trust each other??

I think (my opinion) is that plan B is about the H and W not the children. So can those of us with children still do a good plan B? Yes. How? By setting the boundaries. <p>This means that you can still deal with H on family matters (children/finances, etc.) But as regards your meeting his ENs and his meeting yours......No. <p>Him coming over to use your home as his (mi casa tu casa - my house is your house) is not plan B.
When I went to plan B I told H that this was no longer his home and he basically lost the in/out privileges. He argued that his things were still in the house. I agreed but he chose to not use his time wisely and did not get it all out in the agreed time. What I should have done was charge him rent for the things he did leave!!!! Maybe next time? Yep. <p>As for the spouse is treating the OP badly babble, my H was doing that also. Yes, OW 'claimed' a lot of bad stuff was sent her way by her H. Hm..... same garbage was being given about me. <p>The point is don't make decisions based on info from the OP. Not a safe thing to do. <p>It is hard not to LB like that. But hey when you are in plan B and he is no longer a family member the rules change. You do not have to cater to his eratic whims. <p>Protect yourself. For me I told H that if the OW was such a great catch he needed to hurry up and run and catch her before some other poor sucker and his W would have to go through what we did. I said I was already battered and bruised from his A and surely would not wish that evil OW on any other family. <p>You know what? H agreed that he would not wish what we went through on anyone else. Another thing is that I was prepared for him to go running to her but he came back. Now I have to keep him. Hm............<p>
L.

Thanx Orchid you brought a few smiles to this very sad person.
I guess im gonna have to toughen up on my plan b
Thanx again i feel better than i did this afternoon.
Liz [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Lizzle ~<p>You know, a year and a half ago I could have written EXACTLY what you wrote here. <p>His actions are understandably hurting you horribly. But the mistake I made, and the mistake you are making, is assuming that his actions mean that he feels or doesn't feel something.<p>The bitter comments that you make as a result are disrespectful judgements. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So i just said i guess the silence from me is good and he said its nice not to have hassle, to that i replied how did i guess thats what you would say as you just dont give a sh**.
Time to exit as usual saying i would not put it quite like that, and off he went.<hr></blockquote><p>I don't interpret this as his not caring, and neither does he. <p>Saying that it was nice not to have the hassle of fighting does NOT necessarily mean that he doesn't care.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I sent a few texts saying i gave up trying and telling him i loved him etc on valentines day and obviously he has what he wants etc.<hr></blockquote><p>Ok, saying you love him is good...but saying that he obviously has what he wants is disrespectful. How do you know that he does? I can assure you that I said that to my H many times also, and do you know what? I was absolutely dead wrong. I can tell you this confidently now, from the recovery side, since my H and I have discussed in detail what he was feeling and doing. <p>Most of the time, my disrespectful judgements were not only incorrect, but drove a deeper wedge between us, and Lizzle, I can see you doing that also.<p>I literally could have written your entire post!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>H just ignored it i got madder and sent a couple more, just ignored them so i rang twice no answer.
By this time i have steam coming out of my ears, as he is probably with her.<hr></blockquote><p>He might, but he might not be. The only thing that is clear is that he doesn't want to be around your angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. I did this to my H too. I often assumed that my H was with her, when he was just simply away from me, and not answering the phone because it was easier than dealing with my anger.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>All this has done is upset me yet again and he is with her as happy as larry..<hr></blockquote><p>I thought he was happy as larry too. What I found out is that they had many huge fights, my H knew that he didn't want to spend his life with her, but that he had nothing else because he couldn't face me and my angry rage. I got to read many of her emails to him from that time - and her demands and accusations and their fights were awful. At the same time, I was convinced that all was joyous between them.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>When will i learn he just does not give a hoot how much i hurt.<hr></blockquote><p>He probably does care, he just doesn't care in the way that YOU want him to. And clearly, while he is in an affair, you are right, his wants and needs come first...but you have to quit assuming you KNOW what is in his heart and mind, because not only are you probably WRONG, it is eating you alive!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He has what he wants but just dosent have the b*lls to end this marriage, he wants me to do his dirty work.<hr></blockquote><p>This could be true. But it also might be true that he isn't really as emotionally done with you and your marriage as you think. If you keep up the anger and the disrespect though....you will make sure that he DOES reach the end of his emotional attachment.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>But now this man wont even talk to me, cant see he is doing any wrong after all i threw him out!!!<hr></blockquote><p>Did you throw him out to get him to see the error of his ways? That's why its backfired on you. He doesn't see things the way you do. And most people don't respond well to this kind of manipulation.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If he is so sure why hasent he moved in with her?<hr></blockquote><p>Because he isn't sure? My H's OW pressured him constantly to move in, and he never did. He wasn't sure.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Why wont he tell me its her he wants?<hr></blockquote> Because he isn't sure that its not you that he wants.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Why was he still sleeping with me untill i went to plan B?<hr></blockquote> <p>Maybe because he is a cakeman...but maybe because he wasn't emotionally done with you yet.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Why has he not ended this farce of a marriage?<hr></blockquote><p>Because maybe he isn't ready for it to be ended.<p>Yes, it hurts like hell. You have got recognize though, that your own though process is your own worst enemy. Not only are you being eaten alive by these thoughts, but they are causing you to treat your husband in a way that makes sure that he will never want to come home.<p>When I stopped the bitter angry accusations and stopped talking about our marriage, and I was happy to just let things be, and when I started to treat him respectfully, thats when the huge turnaround happened.<p>You see, my H did desperately want to make things right. He just couldn't imagine ever being happy in a marriage with me while I was angry, demanding and disrespectful. This made him overwhelmed with the impossiblity of being happy and content, and made him very unwilling to try.<p>When I got my own act together, he decided it was worth the risk to try again. And now today, 8 months into recovery, my H truely tries very hard to change to be the best husband for me, and he does care what I think and if I hurt. <p>But its very hard to care about or love a bitter angry person. If you want your marriage, you have to let go of being right, and being a victim.<p>You can do this. Hang in there.

Hi Bramble thankyou, i know what you are saying is probably true and its so nice to see you and your H made it.
I do manage to go big chunks of my life without any questions or talk of M or OW.<p>But then i find i just convince myself H really does not care and he is happy with her, he tells me he could be happy there and they dont argue at all so thats why i get so upset that i cant get any feeling of how he feels about us.<p>I would love to know if with your experiance of being much like i am you think i would be better off in a full plan B and tell H he cant treat this as his home to come and go as he does.
Or would i be better off just not contacting him at all as i have been, but being the best i can when he comes here.<p>I put a stop to going out with him and sleeping with him as i thought he was never going to make a decision as he had the best of both worlds and had no reason to make a choice.<p>The reason i threw him out was i could not stand it any longer to have him go out and stay the night with her and lie in bed knowing where he was it just hurt to much.
Would love to know what you think i should do???
Liz

Hi Lizzle,<p>I started out very much like you, LBing but not realizing it. It isn't easy, seems we (BS) have to be so much stronger and tolerant of a very hurtful and unfair situation. But it IS worth it. <p>Once you stop allowing his behavior and words affect you to the point you're LBing, you'll notice a change in him as well. <p>I really can't add much more than BrambleRose, except you are not alone in your feelings and how you naturally want to react. It takes practice to "LET GO". <p>Maybe read LupoLady's latest post regarding "Letting Go". It's very helpful in many ways.<p>Love and strength to you in your Plan A, Lizzle.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Lizzle,<p>For me my H was a major cakeman. Taking from wherever he could get. Once I realized that I was meeting some of his needs (took 5 months - slo learner - LOL [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ), then I went to plan B. I did not need to meet his needs. The OW was trying desparately convince him that he did not need me. He even told me that he could learn to be comfortable living with the OW. I told him go ahead. <p>Then it took an additional 4 more months before I found my settling point. Once I reached that settling point, my life took a steep downturn and then back up. I felt like I hit bottom but then I had reached my limit of tolerance. Now it would be much easier for H to leave since the front door has swung open so many times. Yet he stays. Hm........... makes me wonder now. Why is he staying? I am certainly not on my hands and knees to him..........awhhhhh he does not want to be treated like royalty when he has been acting like a bum...... instead he wants to be treated like a man who needs to meet his family's needs. Sometimes he forgets but then he remembers where he is and then he acts like a family man. <p>Find those 2 points Lizzle. Don't allow him to be a cakeman with you. Remove your piece from him and force the OW to be all that she can be. More likely he will not like it. If he does then he probably wasn't going to come back anyway and you saving yourself less pain. <p>JMHO,
L.

Hi Jo i know i have to stop the LB and i know it does make a differance to H when im not saying anything, i even know it drives him away!!!
But sometimes i just get so mad i forget all that.
I have to make a big effort and try and keep a check on my feelings, thankyou for posting and i hope you are feeling a little better now.<p>Hi Orchid yes i think my H can be called a cake man, but then that is probably my fault for giving him the chance.
I think i will probably send a sorry text today and then leave it alone.
I know i have to let go, but how do you stop loving someone??<p>You said you took 5 months to realise that its taken me 20 months, how dumb can that be.
If someone had said to me a few years ago that i would put up with all this i would have laughed in there face and said no way!!!<p>This last 2 years have been the worst of my life, i have H on his second A my daughter fighting heroin addiction and me going through the menopause UGH!!! what a life.
Still i suppose it can only get better. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]