Hi Jante,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have entered into a support group that deals primarily with infidelity issues. We do discuss other subjects as well. <p>I would like to direct you to the links in my post where you previously posted. Also the concepts section under the MB logo at the top of this screen will give a brief outline of plan a and plan b. It is important that you familiarize yourself with the basic concept info first. <p>There are several good books on infidelity: Surviving an Affair and His needs/her needs. These cover how to recover in a marriage. Also lets us individually know our abilities and limits along with our needs and rights. <p>This board welcomes all newcomers and I would like to encourage you to post your story either here or on the Just found out section. Most people visit this GQII site and other sites here at MB. <p>We hope this info will be helpful. For me when I came here about 1 year ago, I did a lot of reading. <p>Hope this helps. <p>Take Care,
L.

/\/\/\ bump up for Jante.
Please post your story here. <p>Thanks,
L.

Hi Orchid, thanks for your reply- not sure what
/\/\/\Bump up is?
My story is as follows- November 2000 found out my husband was having an affair having been working away from home in the week and only home at weekends for 2 years. We had been married almost 16 years at the time with three sons 11,9 and 6. He promised it would all end, I begged him to stay and promised to make changes necessay and also set out to get a job and move nearer to where he was working. He finished with OW1 in Jan 2001 but then on Valentines day took another woman out for dinner.He then told the kids he was leaving - his reason being he couldn't trust himself not to have other affairs.We went for marriage counselling but it they stopped it as H wasn't willing to change or make any moves towards me (their words) August he found a new girlfriend. I live about 100 miles from his new job- I moved last Easter but his job changed iat Christmas and now he lives where new OW is.He visits the children twice a week at my home and we spend pleasant time together. November 2001 I tried stopping all contact but found for the childrens sake and my own emotional well being it was impossible to maintain. We seem to have settled at the moment into a pattern of pleasnat times together and he still had girlfriend.
As a christian I believe marriage is for life and that God can heal marriages and so that is what I am praying for and asking God for guidance. I found this site today and so have begun to read all there is on Marriage Buildres. It will take some time LOL.Anyu advice is gratefully received.
Jante

Hi Jante,<p>You definitely have found the right place to learn, understand and heal. <p>Now since you are dealing with a full blown A and multiple A's at that, we can get some here to help. <p>First of all read up on all that is here. Also find the book love must be tough by James Dobson. <p>You sound like you have been in plan A which allows the BS - betrayed spouse (yourself) to try to better yourself and win back the WS - wayward spouse (your H). <p>But it seems this has been going on for too long and your Love bank (feeling of love for your H) is now in jeporady. H is letting both you and the OWs meet his emotional needs of sorts (we call this the cakeman syndrome). However he is not meeting the needs of his W and his family. <p>The balance of love at this point is out of sync. You need to learn from here how to strengthen yourself and your support group. Learn your options (emotionally, physically and legally). Put a plan in action that protects your family and yourself. <p>Post here to ask questions, vent, share your situation. I personally have been here for about 13 months and can say that I have learned a lot. Emotionally it has taken it's toll but this site has helped me keep my santity. <p>Take Care,
L.<p>ps: /\/\/\ bump up = bumping the post up so that it does not get buried in the bottom. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thanks will do as you say and will be back Jante

Thanks Orchid.
I have spent last 2 days reading as much as I can. As far as I can see despite my husband moving out I have been working on plan A thought in tyhe early days there were numerous times when I would beg, cry and plead for him to return but for the last 3-4 months I have concentrated on being as pleasant as possible. We have spent time as a family and also chatted together in a friendly way when the children are off doing their own thing. We spent Christmas Day night and Boxing day together though we didn't sleep together.His parents commented at Christmas that if you didn't know about the separation you would never know.That said mwhen hes not with the famoily he does spend time with his new girlfriend and she obviously meets many needs that he won't let me meet. He will occasionally give me a hug, once even without me making the first move but there has been little physical contact between us for 12 months.
I do still love him and want to rebuild my marriage but it must be said that at the moment he seems to be happy with the status quo.
I'm not sure what Plan B woiuld achieve and whether I should implement it and if I did how I could work it out when there are still the children to consider. Sorry if this sounds very fence sitting but I feel so unsure of what is the best way forward.
Over the last year I have also worked on being a person in my own right, looking after my looks, health and taking up new work and university course while looking after the three boys on my own.I feel very unsure of the next move but doon't want to go on as things are. Jante

ps can the title to thsi be changed or should I start a new post as it doesn't give any one any idea what is being discussed

Jante,<p>Would you like this title changed or would you rather start a post with your name as the originator? I think the 2nd is better, JMHO. The purpose of this thread was to get you over here. The good people here will start posting to you more if you do your own thread. I could even kick start a few. K? LOL!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will respond to your other post in a little while. Thanks for coming over here. <p>Take Care,
L.