H had the affiar (or two) last year. I've been broken-hearted and in therapy since.<p>So, now I've had more therapy I can stand and read all of the books I can stand. H wants nothing to do with reading "His needs..." or Surviving...." (which I think would save marriage) and he plays this 'I was an abused kid' crap at any mention of any marital argument. Instead of going to his PHd for help; he goes for his quartly supply of prozak and he's off again to face life on his own selfish terms.<p>I guess that you can call it an art. Getting someone to do as you like with out being threatining. Well, I don't have it. I suggested the reading material only twice in a helpfull non-threatening way (at shrinks advice). No luck. I've even made the suggestions contained in the books (such as the total honesty policy, etc.) H doesn't seem to feel it should apply to him.<p>H is willing to 'be nice' and promise to be faithful which I believe to be sincere; but I feel that It will all be in vain over time if the core issues aren't addressed and modified.<p>Im miserable but I have a pre-teen son that is keeping me from divorcing. Both of us are on first marriage of 12 years.<p>Does anyone have any ideas?<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: DJC99801 ]</p>

Hi DJC,<p>Looking back over your previous posts, I don't have a really good feel for your situation. But one thing to keep in mind is that there is no way to control what anybody does except yourself. Just doing the things you need to do to be what you want to be is all you can do...and that, really, is plan A if you are trying to preserve your marriage. Your DDay was not too long ago...November, right? He's probably foggy still, and if there has been no contact, he's going through withdrawal. There's no way around it except for time. Concentrate on being the best you can be at what you want to be best at! <p>Rusty

((( DJC ))) .... hugs to you<p>You are freshly wounded. You are hemorrhaging stress and anxiety. You are reeling with feelings and out-of-control emotions. The pain is at an insane level right now. Make NO major decisions at this time (like divorce) .... you are in no shape for such a decision until the pain level subsides, and you get your feet underneath you.<p>Deal with yourself right now, not your H. Journal, talk with your best girlfriend, your clergy, your God. Exercise, take long walks. Listen to your favourite music. Cry. Get on your knees and pray. Rant here, or in your journal. Take long baths. Make lists of all sorts of things (that's what worked for me). Lists like: "My needs in a marriage are..." or "Things I know I can change about myself" or "Reasons I am strong enough to live through this and come out stronger still".<p>You are NOT ready to be in recovery! (Neither is your H) You are where you are ..... in the acute, awful, butt-ugly phase of discovery. You cannot do the recovery unless you experience this phase fully first.<p>It sucks big time! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Pepper<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>

I know that you say your are tired of reading self help books. But.... have you read the Divorce Busting books? They are specifically targeted to situations where only one spouse seems to really want to work on the marriage. It seems like very good, sound advice and approach. I am a staunch believer in the MB approach. The interesting thing is that the DB approach fits into Plan A wonderfully. It’s the other half of Plan A (and I believe that Plan A is really for life in so many ways). MB gives the basic framework for Plan A and “Plan A’ing for life” and DB gives the nuts and bolts of what to do on a day-to-day basis. At least this is how I interpret the material.<p>You have been doing something for a while and it’s not having a affect you want. So stop doing the same thing. You need a different approach. You and your H are caught in a dance, each making complementary steps. So change the steps to that dance and you will force him to change his… without saying a word to him about your wanting to change him.<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's so good to stand aside and see the situation with yourself in it.