I am trying to figure this whole mess out...and I am afraid my feelings are getting in the way.<p>Last week, I allowed my H to take the kids during the middle of the school week for visitation. He had asked for three days two weeks in a row because he said that he couldn't get a weekend off. We talked through the lawyers and decided to try 1 day so it wouldn't disrupt their school. He took the kids, but violated our visitation decree by having his girlfriend with him the entire time. He also drove the kids back to our town and went into their schools with her!!<p>On Thursday, he wrote that unexpectedly, he had the weekend off and he wanted the kids. We already had plenty of activities planned, so I said no.....but how can I trust him anyway.<p>He called the kids 6 times yesterday. He also wrote them emails asking them if they had a great time learning to play basketball (his girlfriend played basketball in highschool and college).<p>He then wrote our intermediary and gave his schedule for March. He is now out of work. He is supposed to have the kids 2 weekends a month. He said that because March has 5 weekends, he wants the kids for the 1-3, 15-17 and over Spring break. He wants to take all 4 kids skiing over spring break (with no money, mind you---we are struggling to refinance our houses and pay off tons of debt). He also wants the older girls on the 8,9 and 21 and 22. He says it is time to start healing with the kids.<p>How in the H** can he start healing with the kids when he doesn't even realize what he has done to their lives and to my life. He is flaunting his OW in their faces---acting like nothing is wrong when we are still married. <p>I am hurt and I know the kids are hurting. He wants to do what he wants to do--a court order doesn't even deter him. I feel like he has lost his right to have the kids for visitation. Will he ever wake up?<p>I have been reading Terrifieds posts...I too feel awful---I have to keep going with everyday life here. The kids have chores, homework, piano, etc. etc. He has big play time when they go to visit him. My son loves it. Life really sucks!!!!<p>[ February 24, 2002: Message edited by: miserynmissouri ]</p>

What to do, what to do......<p>Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat too. We don't even have a separation agreement in place, we're not divorced, we're married in the Catholic church, so will need an annulment to end the marriage, and I am giving birth to WH's 4th child on Wed. - Sooo does this make WH have any sense about how to act with the children - NO!<p>They come home talking about how daddy has a girlfriend etc. and he continues to take the kids to do things with her and her kids(she's not divorced either, as far as I know.) In fact right now they are all together.<p>The kids are hurting! They can't deal with what their father is doing to them, but he still swears up and down that he loves them, cares about them etc, but then just confuses them and hurts them with the excuse that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing with the kids, OW and OW's kids.<p>Of course he doesn't, because he doesn't think what he is doing to me is wrong.<p>I've been struggling with a solution for this. I mean how can I protect the children from his emotional abuse? So far, the only thing I can come up with is prayer. <p>If I can't be there with them, then God and all the saints can watch over them and protect them. I have to believe in that, and that when opportunities arise for me to protect them, I'll be able to see those opportunities and take advantage of them.<p>Never underestimate the power of prayer. Especially the prayers of a mother for her children. It's also important that we continue to create a safe and healthy and loving enviroment for them, so that they have a place to deal with their emotions, because they can't deal with them while thy are with their dad.<p>I also have heard that the Disneyland dad thing doesn't last forever, and the kids know that while they have fun activities, they can't ever really connect with dad, and that will hurt them and their relationship with him. <p>It just takes time. Not that I want the kids to suffer, but I know it is happening and will continue to happen, and I just have to be there for them the best I can. God will look out for us and our children. <p>Now I need to start practicing what I preach. It's not easy, and I'm open to any other suggestions, but remember, we're in the right and they are not and it will catch up with them one day. K

Dear God is Control,<p>I appreciate your post. I do pray for the kids all the time. I am worried about their emotional welfare. He has been trying to shove the OW at them since he left April 1. They have told him how they feel....but he doesn't believe them...in fact, he thinks I am influencing their beliefs. It is so sad.<p>He also doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. The kids are hurting. I am amazed at his total insensitivity. <p>Best wishes on your new little one. How difficult it is to be going through labor and delivery and have marital problems too. You will be in my prayers. Take Care.

MnM,<p>Do I know where you are coming from or what?<p>I don't have the court orders to keep OW away from my sons, I wanted but the STBX threaten me with a major custody battle (we had a pysch report done on OS, which basically said we were rotten parents & STBX's A had little or nothing to do with OS being out of control at the time)<p>I backed down, he did agree to her not spending the night when the boys are there, she has some but not in the same room (STBX doesn't know I know this)<p>STBX introduced OW to our sons 2 days after us telling them we were getting a divorce. OS had know about OW for almost 2 yr.<p>The boys put up with her, they both prefer to do things with just them & thier dad, but OW is very skillful, OS loves clothes, she buys but he knows it is a bribe & comes home laughing about it.<p>NOt long ago OS asked why I didn't try & keep them away from OW; I told him it was money.<p>I could so easily ruin my sons relationship with thier dad but what good would that do anyone. Don't get me wrong I make many catty remarks about OW (OS current favorite that if we got a dog I name after OW)<p>I hate the fact the OW is my sons life (I have wished & still do many a painful death on her). I refuse to meet her, I will not. STBX is still afrid what I will say to her, so he keeps us very far apart<p>My belabored point, is who will you hurt if you try & keep your children especially your son away from your WH. Who is he going to resent your or his dad?<p>I am not saying letting him go anytime your WH asks but do it according to the plan?<p>The STBX & I are pretty flexible, I asked him to take YS all this wkend (I have project & midterm I am avoiding)OS was going also but his social life got in the way, I met STBX less than halfway yesterday with OS, they will be home late this afternoon.<p>I know it hurts, vent here all you need but don't let the kids know. When I do it usually backfires on me.<p>We will be okay

Sing,<p>Thanks. I really don't want the kids to not have a relationship with their father. But it really hurts.<p>First, he leaves us...and now he wants his kids too. I feel so thrown away. <p>The kids don't want to be around the OW. They have told me that and him. He continues to bring them around her. Does he just need validation.<p>He would like nothing better than if I would just drop off the face of the earth...then he could have his mistress, his kids and this new life he wants.<p>It is so sad. When I think what we should be doing as a family right now. There is so many things that need to be done around the house, getting Meg ready for college, her graduation, cub scouts, soccer, basketball. THose are family activities. <p>He wants the family...but he wants to replace me. I wish he would just go away and just leave us alone. My oldest daughter told me today "I never had a relationship with him before...why would I want one with him now...I don't have time to deal with this". My 16 year old still wants absolutely nothing to do with him. My 10 year old is confused and Kyle just wants his dad back.<p>I hate him and what he has done to this family. HE is teaching my kids it is ok not to honor promises. He is teaching them it is ok to lie and manipulate the truth. I am getting angry at everyone telling me to be accomodating to him and understanding. I really hate him at this point.

I know the feeling. My stbx is nicer than yours but he most likely would love it if I was not here. Nothing showed me this more than in Jan he was traveling for business, I was letting him know about the boys, at the bottom of an email I mentioned that I my brakes were going out, that I had replaced them & how much it cost. I never asked him for money (if had offered I would have taken it)but he never asked anything about it. I drive his sons everywhere but to his house. <p>I take that back he love to have the boys, but he doesn't want all the hassle of having to deal with them everyday, or blending the 2 famlies together, he is happy for 36 hrs a wkend, sometimes longer & visits in the wk, This he & the tramp can have all the time the need for thier relationship. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Time he never gave to me but oh well it is water under the bridge and life does go on.

You are right about that...my H doesn't want to deal with the day to day activities...he just wants to play "dad" with them.<p>He never was very good with dealing with the day to day issues. He got very frustrated with the kids. <p>Life does go on....but it sure as h** is a lot harder than it used to be.<p>I need to to and try to figure out how to pay the bills.....take care...

MnM,<p>Just had to let you know that I feel the same way because my WH acts the same way. You just want to pull your hair out sometimes because he is so blind to what the kids really need. It's just the selfishness of the affair.<p>If I run across any good advice, I'll be sure to pass it on. As for now, it sounds like we're doing all we can do, and somehow God will pull us and our kids through. <p>K

Dear God is in Control,<p>I hope you are right. This is just so disappointing. This is not the life I wanted for us. I hate that the kids have to go thru this. I hate that I have to go through it.<p>I feel the legacy of this divorce will affect our family for generations. I don't understand how some people can commit and honor their pledge to their families...and others can't. I believe that love is an action and a commitment--it has nothing to do with fit.<p>If I hadn't felt that I "fit" with my husband, I wouldn't have married him. We chose our life together, we chose to have kids, we chose to work for his military career and we pledged our love to each other. Now, he decides to not honor his family--he has found a new soulmate that truely understands him. He doesn't realize that he had a wife that knew him inside and out and still honored and loved him. He had kids who were always there for him. There is no such thing as a perfect fit...and in the process of learning that...he has destroyed his family. Sorry, I am venting. <p>Love changes...I think some people don't accept or understand that. Love is accepting someone even tho they aren't perfect. Love is an action--a verb--not a noun.<p>I think I was an object to my husband. I think he needed me for his military career...he loved showing me off when I was younger...Now, he no longer needs this object...and traded me in for another. I feel sorry for her (just a little tho). I don't think he will be much different for her. Guess I have rambled long enough--it doesn't make it any easier. <p>Take care God is in Control...I hope God gives us a sign that everything will be ok.