Hi Harley,<p>I will try to answer the best and most honest that I can. This is just my perspective, so remember,keep that in mind.<p>1. Were your affairs brief and sexual or were there any that lasted and had you develop a relationship with them - kind of "secret life" stuff.<p>I had several affairs. I believe that I was leading a secret life with all of them. However, with that I mean, just by having an affair, is a secret life. Two of them were when I was using drugs, they were one night stands. I knew them, I worked with one, and the other was a brother in law of a friend. <p>The next one, was long term. I guess it was about two years. We worked together, and we began to carpool. I would suppose that in my mind there was a relationship, however, that is not the case. He never bought me a gift, nothing. What did I get out of the relationship? Nothing. In my mind, it was attention, but even then, it wasn't positive attention. He eventually, got another job, and he left, and I thought that was the end, but he still would continue to contact me, and of course, I would agree to see him. I did try several times to break it off with him, but each time, it didn't last. He would continue to contact me, and I would respond. I just couldn't say no.
My next one, which was at the same time that one was ending, was with my I guess you could call her, best friends husband. That was a couple times. Again, nothing there either accept the sexual aspect. Lastly, there was an internet one. Never met, but at the time I got caught, I was making plans to meet.<p>Just writing all this out, makes me want to through up. I see that the pattern is that I was looking for validation from these men, and all it was, was sexual from them. They didn't care about me, and the only person, if I dare say that I may have liked, was the one I had the long term one with, and that is putting it loosly. <p>2. What can we do to help my wife correct her problem if councelling is not readily available. (Singapore has no treatment center and we r not wealthy enough to send her somewhere.)<p>Well, she is now taking Prozac, which has helped me a great deal. I have been on it for over a year. I was taking Paxil and then went off it, and shortly there after is when I started acting out with men. I started getting depressed, feeling bad about myself, worthless. Started doing drugs, (smoking pot), then the sex came into play. <p>She could see a therapist and read up on why she does the things she does. But, first and foremost, she has to be honest, with herself.<p>3. When you were in the act of infidelity, what - if anything - did you feel for David? Did you have any moments of guilt during these affairs?<p>This is a tough one. I did and I didn't. When you are being unfaithful, it takes an awful lot of denial to be able to get away with something so horrible, so you really put all things out of your mind. Husband, family, being put out, or really how could you do it? There were times that I did feel guilty, but then if something happened at home, if he was mad at me, or ignoring me (in my mind) then it was justified. I would tell myself, that he doesn't love me, (David), he is just with me because he is stuck with me. All those things, so I wouldn't have to feel guilty. <p>4. Can you elaborate on your husband's "tough love" approach?<p>There was plenty of love busting going on in my house. Angry outbursts, you name it. From the beginning, all contact was to stop. Period. No excuses nothing. I changed everything. Email, phone numbers, everything. I was not allowed to leave the house with the exception of work, without one of my kids with me. Anyone, who was part of the affairs, those people who knew about it, those friendships were terminated. <p>We did nothing for close to one year, except spend all of our free time together. Nights and weekends we were together. Not all was good either, let me tell you. There were weeks that all he did was yell, and all I did was cry, or vice verse. I did plenty of yelling too. There were times that I just wanted to get the h** out, and I'm sure he did too, but I loved him, and I was so sorry, that I just couldn't. That was when I finally told him the whole truth, and went to treatment.<p>He must have read every book written about infidlity, and sex addiction. I guess basically, what he did was state the rules, and if I wanted to keep my marriage, then this is what I was to do, if i didn't, then there was the door.<p>I hope that I was able to answer some of your questions. Right now, we are going thru another one of those "mini waves" as I sometimes refer to them. It isn't a big one, but still is a wave. I feel so helpless at a time like this. I just have to remember, that this too shall pass.<p>Take Care<p>PJ
