I hope someone replies to this post. I am so mixed up right now. I want to choke B so bad sometimes. (I don't know how to link or I would do that.) I guess I should be happy her roommate is about to do that for me. I don't even know where to start because this isn't the only point I am pondering.
I am extremely upset because I LB'd to my kids for being kids. I do the angry outbursts and the judgements thing. I also do a lot of belittling. I'm getting under control with my H. But how do I get there with my kids? To me, if I LB to my kids, I might as well be saying it to my H. I always tell my H when I do it so as to be accountable. He never says anything. He just tries to be there for me. I don't know if this is good or bad. I do know where my actions come from (my heavy-handed father raised me, not an excuse, just a fact) and don't have 120 bucks for 45 min that a therapist calls an hour (my husband makes less than a 10th of that); plus, I've already been in counseling (2 or 3 sessions). I also have read enough that I think with much prayer and advice from you I can help get on the right track. I just bought 3 parenting books with my b-day money, and two books about praying for your partner. I am intent on getting it through my thick skull.
Switch topic (I think)
About B. I don't even know where to start, as I said before. Gosh!!! Ma'am is at it again with another MM (J). Only his wife is a 1000 times the lady she is. I don't think anything is going on but he did get offended when my H was teasing him about having her phone no. Word is that her roommate who is less than enchanted with her right now is spreading rumors about her and the other MM (Br) that she confessed her love to. I think this other MM (J) is probably just her friend and not interested in anything else. But, why does he need her phone no.? J doesn't even have our phone no. and he and H are friends. Should I just let it go about her? I keep my eye on her to try to make sure that she is not successful in an A with MM at H's work. Plus, I'm relishing the thought that her roommate is upset with her, but I don't know who's right or wrong. I don't want her to have a successful A for 2 reasons. 1) all the obvious reasons, reasons for MB existing; 2) she is young, still in college, and probably hasn't decided what kind of woman she will be. I don't want her to become a chronic OW. I guess I care about her a little bit. Or do I? I don't know. I have invited her to church and really followed up with her, and invited her to a Christmas brunch. I feel I've gone the whole nine-yards. What should I do? I feel wrong and like a gossip trying to find out what's going on with her. Okay, I know my kids come before her--hands down. I need to work on my relationship with my kids. However, if I see disaster on the horizon, shouldn't I act? And what could this do to my marriage? Please help.

I don't know if this helps but while I've been plan Aing my wife I've become short tempered with my children and have really blown up at them for small things. Once I cool down I apologise to them and try to be affectionate, spending time with them, listening to them, touching them. They obviously know something is going on between W and me and I think the closeness that is building between us will make it harder for W to walk away. Don't feel you need to be perfect. Perfect is the enemy of the good. You need to be able to make mistakes and recover. Perfection is a heavy burden to bear - accept the faults in your loved ones and yourself. I think thats a lesson I'm learning through all this. I've always tried hard to be perfect so I've tended to avoid good actions
and seemed insensitive as a result. What an amateur.

Thank you for replying, Paul. Yes that is part of it. I grew up in a perfectionistic home. I try fighting it, but fall down again and again. When I do blow my top, I apologise and love on them. They know I'm on meds to help "my sadness." I can't remeber if I told them about my anger issues. (This is mostly to my 5 yo.)
It's good to hear that I don't have to be perfect. I just keep imagining them in therapy someday, because they can't keep their feelings under wraps. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I think i needed therapy to understand that I shouldn't keep my feelings under wraps. I'm letting them out more now because it's the only way I can cope. I just wish I'd been more forthcoming before I got into this mess - who knows I may have avoided it altogether.<p>Could you look at my WAW post?<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: Paul Bradley ]</p>

Dear Hoping & Mr. Paul-<p>I am sorry you are dealing with this, it is so hard, and unfair. After reading your posts, and thinking about your comments regarding your children, I would just like to add, have you considered pretending that your children are your WS? <p>Practice your techniques and patient with your children, you will never be able to be the strong solid person that your WS will want to come back to if you have not honed your skill set. <p>Take time to practice the 4 rules of recovery;
with your children;<p>PROTECTION
CARE
TIME
HONESTY<p>they need and deserve it just as much as your WS would. Also getting them involved and letting them know that you still care and want to help your WS may have a very positive outcome.<p>I think when you begin to foucs on immediate family members, aka your children, and put these rules into practice you will be more than ready to open your heart and your home back up to your WS. I find myself using these and other things I have recenly learned to all of the relationships I have with everyone, my boss, co workers, neighbors, the clerk at the grocery store, that cute girl next door, whoops! well you get the idea.<p>It is hard at first, just like anything new, but you must be able to get your mind set, well, set! <p>did any of that make sense?

I think you are on the right track regarding how to stop being so hard on your kids. I see that your children are very young and close in age- try to remind yourself that this is an EXTREMELY demanding task to raise 3 kids that are so close in age. When things start building up and your stress level is rising try sending yourself to your bedroom lock the door and take a 10 minute breather break. I found this very helpful when my 3 kids were small. Listen to music, do stretching exercises, close your eyes, whatever calms you most quickly. Also I wanted to share something I studied last wk in my neighborhood Bible study- we were learning about how not to be so judgmental and unforgiving. The Bible verses they used said that 'you will be judged according to how you have judged others' and forgiven in the same measure that you yourself forgive others. That made me think long and hard.Take care- lifeismessy

Hi Hope: Hope you are feeling a little better after reading some of the above posts. They make sense. Choose your challenges wisely my dear. This other person who is possible treading on the edge of an affair is not your concern. I understand wanting to save someone else from the pains you have seen, but you cannot force them to see what is ahead if they don't want to. Free yourself of that burden because you and your family are way more important. If there comes a time when she is involved with a MM or considered it and wants off that road and comes to you, then you can help if you like, and at that time you communicate with her the way you are with us here. You can't make her see something she may not be ready to see.<p>Now, the more important issue, the way you feel about your interactions with your children. I have to agree with what's all been said. Oh, how I can relate to you today about beating myself up about how I've treated my son because if the A. We have to remember, my friend, we are human and we don't have to be perfect. Children can really test us and our patience. At moments when you feel you are about to loose control (with your children) here are a couple of other ideas to try; 1) if hubby is around ask him to take over. It helps to let a fresh heart move in to deal with situations and allow you time to calm down and regroup. 2) Simply ask them to go give you a couple of minutes - go play in another room for a few minues and mommy will be right with you. This will allow you the same as 1 - to calm down and regroup. However, you will still have your moments and then all you can do is apologize and reassure them that you love them, which I'm sure you do. The better you learn to find peace and calm inside yourself the easier it will be. Don't beat yourself up about it because you cannot change what's done, only work to do it differently in the future. I don't know that they will end up in therapy. All parents tend to scream or yell at their kids sometimes for no reason. It's how you handle it after that matters. <p>I hope this helps you and I pray that you are doing better. I'll see you around. You are a good person, and a wonderful mom.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm welling up. I need to start school in the next few minutes, but I'm sure I can check back later today. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I just had a moment that I needed it so badly. I think I handled it okay. I'm trying not to spank unless the offender poses a danger to herself or someone else, which it was the someone else in this case. They got a ribbon off their little animals they got from Nana last night and tried to make the baby's neck pretty, I guess. I got so upset, but I only whacked twice and then cuddled her and talked to her about it. I just get so-o-o mad. I wish I could stay calm when dealing with them. Even before near EA, this was a problem. Zoloft helps when I take it. But I start to take it and in a few days, I'm acting better and it's supposed to take a couple of weeks (I usually go longer than that between dosages.) I think, "Oh, I must be changing!" and then I stop taking it. I guess I just need to keep on taking it no matter how I feel. And if you didn't notice, we have money issues. I think I'm also uptight because on Thurs, I go to the dentist to have my wisdom teeth out. My dentist said that with one, he may have to take out bone. I said, "I would have been fine and lived a long and happy life, if you didn't tell me that." He could take out nearly anything he wants as long as I don't know about it. I only had morphine when my kids were born. I didn't use nitrous oxide when my last W tooth was taken. I'm wondering if I can be that strong this next trip. Does anyone know if they knock you out if they take bone? At least it's only been scheduled a week and is early in the a.m. I just keep thinking that I won't be able to meet H's need for an attractive spouse after going through that ordeal and have blood oozing out of my mouth for several hours and who knows what other horror may come of it. Talking about this has helped me to realize that may be where my angst is coming from. Oh well, das ist scheide (okay, I only know this phrase phonetically, anyone else know the correct spelling?) If it's a bad word, let me know so I can tell my stepmother she's been cursing at everyone. LOL! I meant to say, "That's a shame."
I thank God for your help and your listening eyes. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] I feel like I have a better handle on things. I kept getting down because I replayed the verse, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Proverbs 29:11. This is true even in my situation with my kids. But, with your encouragement and wonderful advice, I know that my kids will grow to be loving people. My 5 yo already is. She wants to comfort me when I get upset. I am such a perfectionist and have a hard time letting myself off the hook. Paul, I really identified there. Digi, I am going to practice "Protection, time, care and honesty" more often. I'm glad you wrote that. Those have been my values, but seeing it in writing reminds me (somehow) that those are things that must be worked at, but do not come in a package for automatic use. Lifeismessy, yes it is. I know that verse very well. I try not to judge and try to be quick to forgive. I think mercy is a strong point for me. But, the initial pointing out a person's flaws so they can fix them, that's my problem. I see my own flaws a lot, but that verse about the speck in your bother's eye, I need to remove the plankS in my eyes. I wonder if I'd get my 20/20 back and not need glasses anymore. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Tutter, I am scared of this woman, and angry. I think she is a 4 on a scale of 1-10, and she walks around like she's Mother Theresa. All these people are defending her in her spat with her roommate. That makes me angry. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't try getting unlawful attention from married men, esp my H. I took some spiritual gifts tests, my biggest is "prophecy." No, I'm not a seer. I just expose the truth, and "tell it like it is." I want the spotlight on this girl, with every flaw revealed (to herself, unless she refuses to change and poses a threat to others). Last night, I prayed that MM wouldn't think anything of her and that a nice young single man would come along and they could be together. I know I can't make decisions for people. I mostly want to keep my marriage safe. I know I can't keep her from hurting someone else. I just want to make it more difficult for her. Is that wrong? Gosh, I feel so foolish. I mean, I know you're right. I should focus on my family and let her do her own thing. I know God will take care of it. I prayed for revenge. I left it to Him to deal with her as He sees fit. 1, He'll do a better job, 2, He knows what she needs, 3, He's perfect and can make demands of her that I can't. I just need help to let it go. UHHH!!! much frustration. I need to go. Thanks again.

Dear Hope: It's ok to feel this frustration and desire for revenge. It's normal. Don't try to let it go - allow it to go. The harder you TRY the harder it will be for it to subside. If you accept that in some aspect or another it will always be there, and that the only thing you can do is look at the reality of what has happened and work to making the future better, then the pains you feel will slowly subside as you find peace inside for you, not against the pain you feel but for you. As for this OW and your H, eventually you have to take that leap of faith. You cannot control the situation and by trying you will drive yourself crazy. Let your husband know how you feel and ask him to do certain things to assure you that he has no interest in her. Sure the very thought of her hiting on him, even if he's unreceptive, will annoy the p--s out of you, but that's normal. Just don't allow it to control you! As for the kids, I it's ok to disipline, especially because it doesn't seem you go over board as some people do. From what you've wrote I think you are doing good. Remember my friend, what is important - your kids, you and your husband. I had a friend who used to drill into me what was most important and what matters most (when I'd get all stressed about several aspects in life). Know what that one thing was - my son. When I remind myself of that, everything else seems so small and minor and then things like me and my husband seem to fall into place. Take care of yourself. I'll see you around. And again, don't beat yourself up. You are doing fine.