Had another heart to heart last night. WW said alot to get me thinking and I would appreciate any comments or opinions.<p>I asked her what she thought the ultimate relationship was to her. She said "us - before I screwed up." How can someone in love with someone and happy with them screw around on them? That seems so wrong, so fundamentally incorrect. Her ONS (one night stand) was during a period where we were both very happy and content with each other. I was home, we never fought and even she admits that I was meeting her needs then. The ONS has me confused.<p>And regarding how she is dealing with this now, she said "I deal with things by pushing them away - that's how my brain works." I get nervous to hear this as pushing away and forgetting what has happened seems like a trap door - a way to enable the same behaviours and keep avoiding dealing with her problems.<p>Anyone?

Hi Harley, I'm glad that you and Genevieve are communicating.<p>Could it be that she suffers from a multiple personality disorder? One is the one you know and fell in love with and the other the selfish,uncaring woman that craves sexual attention from men.<p>Best of luck and God bless you both.<p>Joe<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Joe,
Hey there.The thought crossed my mind about MPD before. I have no experience in mpd - other than stuff I read through the years and maybe the Discovery Channel, but it does seem a plausibility that she has a disorder like this.<p>I am afraid to pursue this though, as I have seen movies and seen that it is not easy to cure, that the people who love these types have a very hard and rough life.

Whoa, guys! I think you're getting carried away here. True MPD is extremely rare. I think what actually happened is that she met someone who flattered her and stroked her ego--something we all need--and she 'pushed away' her personal values and indulged selfishly in a ONS without wanting to think of the consequences. <p>I think the plus side of this is that it was a ONS and not an 'affair of the heart', so to speak.

Diddallas,
I also have discovered this line of thinking is way too far in the wrong direction. I did a few searches and found that this MPD (actually called Disassociative Behavioural Disorder) is so not my WW.<p>That disorder involves lost time, amnesia and a whole slew of other creepy things. My wife was fully cognitive and aware of what she was doing.<p>BTW the ONS was her first affair. She has had one more affair - lasting alot longer and it was totally an affair of the heart. <p>I do question and wonder how most of the WS's here (mine included) manage to block out their respective life and NOT think of their spouse during the affairs activity. This is somewhat disassociative. <p>What do you think about the statement "I deal with things by pushing them away, just not thinking about them" This can't be healthy behaviour and thought process.<p>
I think what actually happened is that she met someone who flattered her and stroked her ego--something we all need--<p>My wife gets her ego stroked all the time, she is an incredibly beautiful woman. There have been times in the past before Dday when men would ignore me and flirt with her - many occasions. I used to be proud of the fact that I had a gorgeous girl, now I know I didn't really have her.

VHH,<p>I wonder, too, about not thinking about the spouse---I and the OM used to regularly peep out the window to make sure my h hadn't found us! In fact, I thought about my husband so much when I was with the OM, that I really never had a good time with him. Too much stress.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What do you think about the statement "I deal with things by pushing them away, just not thinking about them" This can't be healthy behaviour and thought process.<hr></blockquote>
I don't think it's healthy, mature behavior but I think it's very, very common and not just in regard to affairs. My xh would never talk about anything unpleasant...kind of like if you close your eyes and can't see the monster, he can't see you either. Lots of people wander thru life as ostriches, blissfully (or not)ignorant.<p>Maybe she does get her ego stroked but there is SOME reason she cheats. Have you done the emotional needs quiz from this site? If she will do it, it can be a great tool to fix the problem (perceived as it may be)and prevent it in the future.

We have filled out the emotional needs portion of the SAA book - and in each case it was clearly stated that we (for the most part) met each others needs. I do feel that in my last business trip there were things I could have done more to fullfill her needs, but with her behaviour previous to that I can honestly say that her needs were being met. She even admits this. <p>Even after spelling it out and recognizing what "emotional needs" were, we came to find out that we naturally provided support for these needs in our relationship on most occasions. <p>Her problem stems from something more complex than just an emotional need - she unreasonably craves the sexual attention of other men. Upon coming clean with me - she has told me she is a manhunter, flirts abnormally with other men when I am not with her (no matter the circumstance) and has befriended men knowing full well their intention of sleeping with her. She has said it made her feel important - and also that somewhere inside her she sees it as a competition with other women - to be able to say "I could have him if I wanted." Classic "I like it when they jump through hoops for me" stuff.<p>How can I provide her with support for this need? I am an attractive guy - or so I have been told, but I don't think Brad Pitt could compete with this personality structure. I need to find ways to give her relief from this mode of behaviour, ways to enable her to see that this cannot happen anymore, for our sake. I know that intellectually she knows how wrong it is, but I have yet to see her "gut" prove this to me. She is doing nothing to show me she is capable of letting go this side of her, nothing that is except saying the right things. <p>It is the actions I need to see. <p>instead she still insists that "pushing things away" "forgetting about it" is the way she deals with it. This scares me.

Okay,<p>I saw this on an Oprah show, with Doctor Phil, and it was actually about compulsive spending behaviours..........but it fits here.<p>Dr Phil asked this wuestion "What is lacking in your life (your wife) that makes you (W) search out these expperiences?"<p>No-one goes out to look for that degree of recognition without a huge chip on their shoulder about themselves. She is searching constantly for approval? What was her home life like?<p>Just a thought, but I think you need to get to counselling together to work out what deep seated issue is making her do that stuff, otherwise she will never deal with it, and keep doing it.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

VHH,<p>I think Jackie and others have it right. From what you have said and even your W has said, she needs counseling. This is not simply a case of needs being met or not met. This a case of patterned behavior that is different from the norm.<p>You cannot hide her in the attic nor the basement. She will have to learn what commitment, honesty, and integrity mean. It sounds as if her value system really doesn't include those terms at this point.<p>This leaves you with decisions that cannot be easily made and her with issues that cannot be easily solved. Tough stuff to deal with VHH.<p>I do hope she is seeing a counselor.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

She does remind me of my mother. But maybe she's more extreme. I don't know. It could be a sexual addiction. It sounds like it to me. What do you think?

Perhaps it's because we are all human and we all make mistakes? She made a mistake. There could be a number of reasons why she made that choice. It could be that she doesn't even know what made her do it.<p>A lot of times people have their own internal issues EVEN when their marriages seem to be totally blissful... all the typical needs are being met. BUT marriage does not make you WHOLE. Each person is still an individual, we all feel things, we all have our insecurities from time to time... Perhaps having her ego stroked that one time was something that made her "fall" that one time.<p>A lot of people stray and it has to do with his/her own insecurities and self esteem issues. Who knows what she was thinking that day? But try to remember that the reasons people have affairs are not always about the spouse. It's about themselves.<p>Hope this helps...<p>Clear