Things have been tough recently. I've been struggling with what looks like a lot of BSs on this board are dealing with at the moment. I want to be wanted again. I want to feel how you do when someone is attracted to you and wants to be with you. I want to feel funny and alluring and beautiful. I want validation that I'm a good person and worthy of love, affection and respect. <p>What I learned is that I don't need another person to make me feel that way. It comes from within me. I *know* all the above things about me are true. So why did it take a very handsome and charming man luring me to the brink of my own full-blown affair to wake me up to this?<p>Who knows. I've been praying daily for clarity and strength and guidance. On Saturday night, I was given all those things, ten-fold.<p>I posted about this situation briefly on Elad's thread ("Why shouldn't I?"). In a nutshell, I met a very good-looking and charming man in a coffee shop. We talked for hours and then he invited me to a pub. Foolishly, I went. On Saturday afternoon, I ran into him again. We chatted some more and he asked for my phone number, but I said no. I ran into him again that night at a club. He asked me to dance. He asked to buy me a drink. I said no to both. He finally got blunt and said that he found me very attractive, thought that we "connected" (which we did) and asked if I wanted to come home with him. <p>As I said in the other thread, when my heart and head began to work in sync together, the answers to his question were so clear, they may as well have been under a spotlight. I told him I was married and my heart and soul belonged to my H. I then gathered my things, and went home. Alone.<p>When I got home, I thanked my Guardian angels for looking out for me. I thanked everyone who answered my prayers for guidance and clarity. I certainly know that I put myself in a dangerous situation, but I what I learned from that experience was amazing. If I ever had doubts about my dedication to my H and my M, they are gone. I now know that I will never give up hope and will never stop believing in myself and my future. No amount of smooth talking from a sexy guy can work to confirm my beliefs in myself. I *know* who I am and I know where my heart lies.<p>So I guess I'm posting this experience of mine for any BS who is feeling how I was recently. I even had all my friends saying things like, "you should start dating again." "You're an attractive woman. Any guy would kill to go out with you." "You're H is having an affair - why shouldn't you?"<p>No. No. and NO again. It felt wrong as I was talking and "connecting" to this guy. It felt wrong that he pursued me. It felt even worse when I got home and realised that I was *that* close to becoming the WS, as well. Two wrongs don't make a right. Period. <p>I just wanted to get this all out and share my experience with you all. Maybe it will help someone who is considering going down the same road as your WS. Maybe it won't. At the end of the day, we BS's are married and in love and that's why we are here. Rebuilding your marriage doesn't involve anyone except you and your spouse. <p>love,
VE<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: venusenvy ]</p>

Wonderful post Venus.
I met an old coworker of my H's last night. He glanced two or three times at my chest, with my H right there. Men don't care (or women for that matter) about marriage anymore. It's good to see that you do.<p>Hoping

Wow VE I am so proud of you. It feels so good to have someone pay attention to you and it is so hard to walk away from. I have heard the same things about how lucky any guy would be and that I should start moving on and dating. The funny thing is that I was hearing most of it from my WH's B and SIL. I spent a lot of time with them over the summer and my BIL and his wife were so mad at my WH. Since then my WH and BIL have began talking and my BIL told me that he was sorry for pushing me to file and that he had no idea how messed up and depressed my WH was. Lucky for me the guy I was interested in was a freind of my BIL and after a four hour talk with my WH one night access to him has been non-existent.<p>God does work in mysterious ways.

VE--<p>Good for you-- [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Because of all we BSs go thru and the need for this "validation" I know how tough this must have been...<p>But it does show the strengh you have gained...<p>I am sure many BSs have been (or perhaps wished to be) in your position...<p>I wonder how we all would handle it.<p>I am glad you posted this example...and your feelings...it is a good experience for all of us to consider...<p>Thanks V [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>E

Venus-- [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] good job. Now, the problem that finally caused me to cross that line was that the "hunk" kept coming around, and kept coming around, and my H continued to not want the marriage, then want to try, then move out again...<p>It sounds like the "Hunk" is a real charmer, and if you want to follow the MB goals you have set for yourself, you'll have to watch out for him...and others just like him. I've never been hit on so often as when I was most vulnerable [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . And for everybody but the eventual OM, I had no problem saying "NO."<p>Not that you are just like I was...but it seems like the patterns don't vary a whole lot, for BS or WS.

V,<p>good for you - I was feeling exactly like you were last year. I had the revenge A - say no more [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. And Lor, I don't think I will ever allow myself to be put in that position again. Believe me, I've learned my lesson - it felt horrible and I won't go down that road again.<p>But now I'm having a thought or two....<p>Should I tell my H about this? When I first asked myself this question, it seemed insane. But then I thought about it some more and the term "radical honesty" entered into my head. But if I tell him what happened, I may run the risk of doing the "education" thing, which is a huge LB. <p>Not really sure. What are your thoughts and opinions on this everyone?<p>Thanks!
VE

Venus,
I told my H about half the times someone asked me out. In the really bad times he encouraged me to go. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I didn't want to.<p>Then when I did...I had already told him about the guy who had caught my interest. And, I had introduced my H to the eventual OM a couple times in my store prior to my going out with him.<p>Early on--very bad times--I don't think it had any effect whatsoever, except my H seemed a little relieved that maybe I would be off his hands. Later on, when H wanted the marriage and I was pursuing the divorce, the OM's existence caused my H as much distress as any BS.<p>The reason I told at first was that I didn't want to have any secrets from my H. The reason I told later was that I didn't think it would make any difference to my H, and I could be a little honest...didn't really want to be totally honest by that point.<p>Does that even make sense? The last 6 months before we reconciled were such a tangled mess that even almost 2 years later I can barely sort through it.

ve, good for you, but keep in mind this was not marriage material (regardless of your emotional status) this was a predator, which should always be avoided....and your radar worked well....for a predator.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>ve, good for you, but keep in mind this was not marriage material (regardless of your emotional status) this was a predator, which should always be avoided....and your radar worked well....for a predator. <p>First of all good job.<p>Second, I agree with S_n_L, you have been targeted by a PREDATOR. Just like a shark is attracted to blood, this guy has been attracted to a bleeding and wounded beautiful woman's heart (yours). If he shows up at your usual hang outs, run in the other direction, because he will be persistent and you must drive your point of NO with actions to match your words.<p>Joe

Did this guy know about your usual club or do you think it was a coincidence that he was there? Either way, don't even talk to him anymore I think. About telling your husband. Pray for God's timing. I think it could help your H heal. Knowing that he's not the only one that can be tempted can do a lot for his self-esteem.