I am\have been feeling pretty worthless lately, and I did meet a really extraordinary person not too long ago, we have become good friends, she has started meeting some of my ENs of acceptance, validation and that I am an ok person, ect ect. I realized that this person does mean something to me, she is a fantastic friend, who like me is going thru this and is a BS as well. <p>So it is easy to build each other up really fast, and whamo, next thing you know I am now the WS, NO I AM NOT. but it is easy to see how that could happen. I don’t know if this letter stating my feelings about keeping our friendship, just that, friendship, will be of any help to others that maybe straying down that WS road, but if I don’t then maybe the person that needs it may not find it. Btw she is familiar with this site.<p>--------------------------------------------------<p>Wow, I can clearly see how much more positive I feel about what is happening in my life right now, it is undeniably a direct reflection of our friendship, and for this I am very grateful to have met you. I wanted to take this opportunity to say a few things that I have been thinking about on somewhat of a more serious level. First since the future is never what we think it is, it is what happens while we live each day, this is ultimately what will control where our lives may end up. In this journey we have many obstacles to over come, our current situations are a very vivid example of that, in this we have found each other, and you have given me a lot of great happy feelings of acceptance, you have validated me as a human being when I felt somewhat worthless, something I will remember for a long time. This is also what causes me to write this, it is easy to see that we are making deposits in each others love bank, we are meeting some of each others important emotional needs right now, at least you are for me, I have no doubt that one of my most important ENs is acceptance on an intimate level, not sex, but the kind of bond that establishes a meaningful relationship over time, I grew up in an abusive home, my need for acceptance on an intimate level comes from the lack of love as a child, my ‘Taker’ looks for this EN to be met, and out of self preservation, aka my sanity, I find myself wondering . . . . is the ‘Taker’ in charge, or am I? <p>This all may sound weird or odd, but I believe in the policy of Radical Honesty, so here I am writing you this to tell you that I have been thinking about you a lot lately, like maybe its too much work to try with a woman that has already shown me a lot of disrespect, where on the other hand the kindness you have shown me has done wonders for my aching heart. I hope I have not offended you by saying all this, but we both know that things like this start off very innocently and wind up in places that we may never have imagined, as is proven many times over at MB.com. I just wanted to make sure that we have each others support about not taking things too far, at least while we are still married, maybe that is a given, maybe its not, maybe we just need to be able to talk to each other about how we feel regardless of what the topic is.<p>There may come a time when we are lucky enough to get a second chance at our marriages, and we may have to set our friendship on the side while we try and mend our families, for example your husband/ my wife is not happy about us chatting with a member of the opposite sex, I know I would not be happy with my wife if I found out about her conversations with any other man should the day come for reconciliation. NO CONTACT with any man would be tolerable during the healing process, out side our known group of friends. The truth is that my wife/your husband does not know what the status of our relationship is with each other, and if it is a LB then we must do what we would want them to do. I don’t think that we have to stop talking forever; in fact I would be really disappointed if that happens; just during the initial recovery phase should it be a problem for either one of them. I would respect your request without hesitation, as I want you to know you will always have my support; however I may be able to offer it. <p>Well with all that being said, I will be waiting for your um, validation? <p>--------------------------------------------------<p>btw her reply was of 100% acceptance, she understood what I was saying, I respect you and want to make sure that we are aware that we are both at risk to having our own A, but that is not the right thing to do, right now anyway. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
not to mention I feel really good knowing I can address my issues now in new ways that are positive rather than destructive, and that makes me feel really great about me!!!!

I think you have done a great thing...it's too easy to let hurt feelings lead you down the wrong road. And we all crave validation and comfort--things that lead to an affair in the first place.<p>I think you were wise.<p>Please let me also say that I believe this person IS truly extraordinary in your eyes but so was the OW in my husband's. He felt that she understood him and cared about him in ways that I did not anymore. Suffice it to say, she didn't have the history of misery that I had with him (plus she needed a green card)and I'm sure she seemed like an angel of mercy to him whereas I won't put up with his crap anymore. Plus she didn't know that he was a habitual liar and probably believed everything he said. So it was infatuation built upon lies. Sorry, I digress. <p>What I'm trying to say is that it's easy to 'love' someone who hasn't been through the 'downs' with us---we haven't seen their flaws (and vice versa) and they look marvelous at first glance. You were smart to safeguard against this.<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

Um, wow, Digital likes the same music I do. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The only thing I would caution you on is that your friendship with the (for lack of a better term) other woman may have to end one day in entirety. If your marriage recovers and your wife wants you to put her first and does not want any other woman to meet ANY of your ENs, then that friendship may need to end.<p>I know that I am not fond of my wife getting her EN for conversation met by another man. Another woman would be OK but not another man (that is how the A started in many respects).

Uh Oh. This sounds like the beginning of something. Please be careful. This is how they all start...

I agree with Shannon. When I read your letter I thought Oh my god...this is the exact thing that the OW told her H in a letter about things she had said to MY H. It was one of those 'red flag' waving moments. I would say that you are treading on very dangerous ground...find a male to talk to about your troubles. A woman is just too much temptation , especially one that is just as vulnerable as you are. It just spells disaster. Believe me I know where you are coming from. I feel much as you do, but the LAST thing I would do is talk to a male about it, unless they were a therapist. There is just too much room for a little slip here and there... BTW the tone of your letter, i'm sorry, leads me to believe that you have already embarked on an EA with this woman, and she with you. It just feels too 'familiar', and you stated you were hiding the status of your friendship with your spouses...that alone should set off the alarms.

Thanks for your support and comments, first I am well aware that I am at high risk to having an A myself, as is she, we are both working on the concepts of MB, this all was quite innocent at first, but over our converstaions we cant help but fill those ENs, that is a dangerous position to be in, I realize that, and thank you for pointing it out. <p>The reason this post is here is 2 fold, first there may be other BS right now that are doing the same thing I am, talking/being validated by another, they may not realize that they are setting themselves up for an A, I know because I have been thinking about her more than my WS, that is wrong of me, but I am human and I do have ENs that have not been met for many months, my WS and I have been apart less than 2 months, but our marriage was having problems before she had the A, i.e. my ENs have not been met for awhile.<p>Secondly I stated that I belive in the policy of Radical Honesty, you all here are my friends, my support group, my life, right now. I need to keep my life in the open, I am weak, I need to be guided sometimes in my weakness, this letter is a gesture of my return of that kindness/friendship/support by being honest and not hiding my weakness.<p>I hope that others, who are doing the same things are able to see themselves in a smiliar situation and stop doing anything that they may regret later.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by victoria farrar:
<strong>I agree with Shannon. When I read your letter I thought Oh my god...this is the exact thing that the OW told her H in a letter about things she had said to MY H. It was one of those 'red flag' waving moments. I would say that you are treading on very dangerous ground...find a male to talk to about your troubles. A woman is just too much temptation , especially one that is just as vulnerable as you are. It just spells disaster. Believe me I know where you are coming from. I feel much as you do, but the LAST thing I would do is talk to a male about it, unless they were a therapist. There is just too much room for a little slip here and there... BTW the tone of your letter, i'm sorry, leads me to believe that you have already embarked on an EA with this woman, and she with you. It just feels too 'familiar', and you stated you were hiding the status of your friendship with your spouses...that alone should set off the alarms.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>She's absolutely right you know.<p>You might also want to check the following thread:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=015878<p>Joe

point well taken, contact has been broken. Thanks for keeping me on the right track.

victoria beat me to it, indeed the ea had allready started and the only possible action you can take is no contact, if you intend to restore, than do so, if not then start divorce proceedings....and keep in mind the clock is ticking, you will not be able to sustain the no contact....unless and untill you are actually doing something else, do not underestimate the power of human bonding.