Not alot of new stuff to report. I tried the "backing off" tactics throughout the weekend. It was very difficult NOT to kiss, or touch, or try to be passionate with my wife. Of course, every one of these sessions is abrubtly ended by her, so by avoiding them I do avoid the pain of rejection. My wife did cuddle with me on the couch, not at my prompting.<p>Found myself very, very tense trying this plan. I decided to NOT ask my wife to accompany me anywhere, thought I'd see if she would volunteer to go. She didn't. So- I went out alone Friday night to pick up DD's from youth Group, Saturday to run errands, with DD's to church Saturday nite (WW didn't feel up to church). Out alone on Sunday to pick DD up at movies. Also- no snooping- so I don't know if she called OM when I was out. Who cares, anyway? What could I do? <p>I was on edge all weekend, though. Then, Sunday afternoon, my wife asked what was wrong. I said nothing. She pushed. So I talked. I asked her what is holding her back from re-committing to marriage. She repeated that she doesn't trust that my newly professed love for her is real. I asked if I am now on trial for my marriage. She said no. She said she is listening to her heart, and trying to decide what to do. I asked her point blank if she has any intention of leaving our marriage for OM. She said she did at one point, but not now. She knows it is wrong, she can't hurt our family. I said I didn't want her married to me out of "duty' but rather out of love. I said that I am beginning to think it is best to just let go of her, because the pain is too much. She said she didn't want me to do that. I said you can't be sorta married, you either are or you are not-and right now she is not.<p>She then said something that blew me away. She said that she is sure that when (not if) she comes to me and tells me that all contact with OM has stopped, I will expect her to immediately love me the way I say I love her, the way I think she loved him. And she won't and I'll sulk and pout and be miserable. All I could say was trust me, and try it. I said she would be surprised. I said that doing that would give me the faith and assurance I have prayed for that she really does want me. <p>So- back to work. And she is now back in his world. But, I can honestly say that I believe things are different between them. I honestly believe that she has accepted that she will stay married. Since this guy wants to marry my wife (he told me that)and believes she is his soulmate (he told me that, too) I have to believe that as it sinks in that she is going nowhere, he will move on. In fact, unbeknownst to my wife, I lurked in a chat room OM was in. When asked point blank if his soulmate decided to stay with her husband, what would he do, he replied "I guess I'll start all over again," which leads me to believe he will not stick around too long after he realizes wife is going nowhere.<p>Anyway, that's my update. I'm not real confident right now. Just trying to stay on an even keel-not expecting much. Life ain't real good-but it could be much worse.<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

Sounds as if you are on the right track.<p>You had the kind of talk you need to with your W. She started it (always a key for WS). She noticed that YOU were withdrawning & didn't like.<p>Slow & steady wins the race & NO LB's, easier said than done.

Hey Boppo!<p>It all sounds quite positive to me! In fact, I would love to be in your shoes right about now! My H has moved out, I'm Plan A-ing from a distance and my H's A, as far as I know, shows no signs of being over. (And I stress "as far as I know" part!)<p>It's a blessing that your wife initiated a cuddle. And the things she said sound so positive! Well done to you! And keep up the good work! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>hugs,
VE

Thanks for the encouragement Sing and VE. Another perspective on the situation always helps. <p>One thing I left out was that while we were cuddling on couch watching Olympic closing I told my wife that I haven't felt "special" or "loved" in a really long time, and I wish I could feel that. She squeezed my arm, but then she said, sadly, "Now you know how I have felt for so many years." That has haunted me all last night and today. I feel so terrible that I have neglected my wife for so long. I also hurt to think that this OM came along and filled that need, to the point of my wife falling in love with him.<p>I am overwhelmed with sadness to think of what my wife must have been feeling all these years. I apologized to her last night, but I guess only consistent efforts on my part to convince her that she is "special" will ever undo the damage.<p>And, in the meantime, my desire to feel special will have to either be put on hold, or maybe satisfied by the Lord and you people here at MB. I thank God for leading me to this resource. It is the only outlet I have and it is a life line.

Boppo, <p>Hang in there. I am going to make a comparison here between what we are doing here and weight loss. It may seem crazy, but work with me here. I have lost 90 pounds in the past year and I was thinking while I was reading your post that saving a marriage is kind of like losing weight. If you do either too quickly, you will not get the long term results that you want. Who cares if I lose a lot of weight in the short term if I put it back on. Where am I in the end? The same can be said for what we are doing. If we take our time and we are patient we can have the long term results we want. Do I want my old body back because I was in a hurry to lose weight and did not do it right? Heck no! And I don't want my old marriage back either. I want a better one and I am willing to put in the work and effort to do it right. I realize this may take time, but it will be worth it. <p>Hang in there and lets all do this right the first time so there isn't a second time.

Boppo,<p>Here is something for her to think about. She may have "felt" like you didn't love her, but you did. You don't "feel" like she loves you and she doesn't. She love another man.<p>There is a hugh difference between "feeling" you aren't loved and "knowing" you aren't loved. That is why there is a difference between feeling bad about a marriage and having an affair. One, may be a misunderstanding or miscalculation, the other is an obvious act and not subject to misunderstanding.<p>Hopefully, your W will come to the later understanding.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Your wife is starting to feel OK about opening up with her feelings with you and being able to confide in you...this is a very solid first step as far as rebuilding trust and love between the two of you. Be as willing as possible to listen to her non-judgementally and try not to ask too much of her yet, and you'll be doing well. Good Luck!

Boppo57,<p>I am glad there is a ray of sunshine poke through your W's fog. Yes, PTC will bring your W back. It is a huge turn around from few months ago. Thanks for sharing.

Boppo,<p>I have been working on the same issues for the last 11 months. My wife has finally seen that she was in love with how she felt in the affair not so much in love with the other man. I can feel your pain in wanting to "get it back." But what my wife said was "why do I want the past, I want a better future." I was so hurting that the past was comfortable but it was not for her! I know it is very difficult now but you can create a better future by working on changing yourself and if she sees those changes she will be able to see a future full of positives.
I would recommend getting Dobsons book Love Must Be Tough. It was very helpful for me and was what helped turn our marriage around.
Good Luck and God Bless,
You are in our prayers.
Jim