My H is moving in today after 12 long months living with his OW. I would be jumping for joy, except that he is being totally honest with me(which is good) but he tells me that he is going to wean her off of him (she's clinging to him desperately). He tells me that he will see her as a friend to help her through getting over him. He's promised me that it will be 100% over in 3 months time, maybe shorter. He is totally honest with me and that is why I have agreed to let him move home as it is a huge step for him to move out of her house. If things do not go my way, I can ask him to leave again. <p>I know this is far from an ideal situation but I feel like is is realistic.
Do you people think this situation could work? He says she is driving him crazy and that he has to get out of there. Please give advice.

It sounds a little off to me. He has to wean her off while he is back home? Unacceptable. He needs to have no contact with her if he's at home with you. It's disrespectful to you if he's still in contact with the OW while with you. Please reconsider. I know you are desperate to have him back, but do you want it like this??

Hi MAEZY,<p>I think you should make an appt. with Steve or Jenn and see what your course of action should be .... that, and have them help you outline a Plan for recovery that does not include "weaning" OW from your H. Then YOU present THAT plan to your H.<p>I know the WS feels guilt regarding OP once the A dies it's natural death. I've heard they do things like take them on a cruise and such before dropping the "bye-bye" bomb on them. But I'm quite skeptical that you and H should be back together while he "attempts" (operative word) to break it off. I'm sure he is being honest with his intentions but you need to remember he is still addicted and in selfish mode.<p>Good luck and prayers for you,
Jo<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

taking him back under these conditions is very bad choice. He is essentially asking you to meet his needs while he continues his affair....he needs to prove he is worthy of you first, the old marriage is done, finished, do you really want to date this guy? Much less move in with him on the first date? What kind of person would even ask this? Why doesn't he end it first (take as long as he wants) then pursue you? He can live cheap somewhere, work 2 jobs, make the sacrifices.....frankly it just sounds like he is trading in her for you, is that how you want to be loved? Until something better comes along again...he obviously hasn't learned a thing, I am not so sure you have either...this sounds like co-dependentcy act II.....don't do it, work on yourself and figure out why you would even contemplate such a thing...something is not right here.

I don't think this is a good idea. I know how much you want him home, but this is letting him have his cake... After all, you KNOW that he is still seeing the OW so he can throw that in your face if you get upset over it (which you will). How are you going to feel the first time he stays out all night or doesn't come home until 3 am? Devastated of course. This also means that the OW is being thrown some big lies too which could make the situation much worse in the end. He's definitley not telling her that he is moving home and is "going to wean her off of him in 3 months". Probably more like "I'm not sure what I want. Let's just see what happens. i just need some time to think, I'll be sleeping in the spare bedroom. I need to be nice to my wife so she doesn't take me to the cleaners financially. Of course I still love you.." blah blah blah. It's one thing when the BS comes home and still sneaks some contact, pretty much par for the course. But when he is laying out that he is going to be involved with her for the next 3 months it puts you in a really bad position. If it were me I'd tell him how much I still wanted him home, but the relationship with the OW needed to be over first because it would be too painful to have it going on right in front of my face.

Think Jo gave the soundest advice call Steve or Jen and let them help you make a plan.<p>I personally don't like the idea of him letting her down; my STBX did that sort of & guess what he is with the OW now, of course he hadn't lived with her before then either.<p>However you go GOOD LUCK, remember the road is long & rough but it can be WONDERFUL at the end.

I personally don't think this is good. I had a similar case, H lived here in the home, took our money to have fun talking to the OW (she lives in another state) paid for her cellphone and bills, in the thousands. After they saw each other in her state and committed adultery, he came back after a 1 week vacation, and it was pure h*ll. He said the same thing to me and the same to Jennifer Harley (we were counseling with her at that time). He told us that he needed more time to figure things out, he needed to help her, he needed to... you get the gist of things. He continued talking to her at our expense, she didn't pay a dime, out of her pocket. Jennifer asked H to leave the house, and not come back until the OW is gone. He didn't, and it was pure ugly, anger on his part, he went ballistic when I or the kids saw him talking to the OW, he kept his cellphone in bed with him, he continued to talk to her, until one day the OW called me and manipulated me with suicide. She promised after the 3rd time she called me that there were to be no more talking to my H. <p>I would say, he is using you, I was used. Sure it is comfortable to have everything done here for the WS, get their meals, do the bookwork, do the laundry, clean sheets, etc. And they can have their sexual lovebomb on the other end of the line. According to the Harleys, whenever the WS hears the voice of the OP, it triggers the love, fantasy(?) they shared. That is why nothing can be accomplished until the OP is totally gone. I had to deal with idiot psycho woman and my H talking for over a year. It was not good, and to tell you now, it still is not good. <p>Don't accept his moving in, tell him he is welcome when the OW is gone. Talk to the Harleys about this, they will tell you the same.<p>Also, we went to Retrouvaille, the same was said there. Nothing can be accomplished until the OP is gone. Therefore Retrouvaille was a flop too. <p>Look hard at what we all are saying, this is so true, and so hard to deal with. Yes you want your H back, but not this way. Believe us, and like I said, I experienced it with my H.

It's taken me awhile to reply as H has been around. You are all right. I am happy that H has left OW's house buthe can't stay here any longer. He has been honest and we have had a wonderful 4 days together but now he's talking about seeing her on the weekend and it is more than I can take.
I've asked him to get his own place, which he's also suggested. This will happen soon, I hope. The conditions he agreed to when he moved in are already being stretched.<p>I need to figure out what kind of boundaries to set once he's out. Plan B is not suitable.(Been there 3 times).
I do know I'm getting tired of being second choice in his life.

Sounds like OW is lovebusting her buns off and that's a good place for H to be!<p>If he can get relief from her LBing by running to you, then he can just run back to her when he cools off and calms down. Don't enable him to do this even tho you love him so much and you care. Care enough to block out his whining until he has already dropped her. For good, not "in time" and at your expense. What do you look like? Desperate?!! NOT!<p>And anyway, what's with letting her down easy over a period of 3 months? HUH? He still has feelings for her! You already know that this is only going to enable OW to quit LBing and refill his love bank, next thing ya know, he will be right back in her arms and house.<p>I think you should make yourself emotionally unavailable, if you can detach a bit, even if it is painful for you and for him and even tho he is home. The goal is to have OW completely out of the picture. Right? *sigh* Be strong, I know this must be so rough on your emotions. <p>Protect yourself and your future marriage. Don't be his safe haven from OW's LBing. Quit letting him cry on your shoulder only to find out he's not seriously recommitting to you (HURTING YOU MORE), and obviously still has feelings for OW. More love busting is exactly what you NEED for OW to do!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hmmm.... maybe YOU should find a new place? Is that possible? And come "home" on the weekends while he is gone with OW, letting her down easy...<p>What does that mean anyway? Only have sex with her on the weekends, but get away from her when she is stressed out from the workweek? What the heck does this MEAN!!!??? YUCK!!! I don't like it! I don't like how it is making you feel.<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Maezy- how the heck are you? I know EXACTLY how it feels to want your H to come back home so bad and then they do and unfortunately they continue to step over the boundaries that are necessary to even begin a true recovery. The emotional component of their affairs makes it SO tempting for them to keep going back to the OW time and time again- and they will lie or hide the fact that they are still in contact with her. It happened to me. I am now going to a new therapist to find out why I fail to set firm boundaries with my H. My counselor says I never set firm boundaries of respect and behavior with him right from the beginning and over the years H has taken more and more advantage of that. I am finding out that one reason I allow this is that it feels familiar and secure to me because my father was very controlling toward my mother and she puts up with it. Have you ever read any books about emotional and verbal abuse? I highly recommend the book The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel and a book about verbal abuse by Patricia Evans. These books talk alot about what happens when a woman is not firm enough with her H. Take care- lifeismessy

MAEZY,
How nice of him to think of her needs. <p>What about your needs? <p>You are taking him back just the way he left - he cared more for her needs than yours.<p>so sorry for yor pain.<p>As far as boundaries I would think as long as he cares for her and her needs there is no place to be but Plan B. That is me though, only you know whats best for your unique situation.<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

I know you guys are all right in your responces. I have such a hard time to keep a stand against my WH!
lifeismessy-So nice to hear from you again. I feel we have the same problem. My parents are both the biggest pushovers in the world and my father is an alcoholic-neither ever stood up to the other for anything-not and stuck with it. Maybe it's in my genetics-just kiddinng. I know I have to take some kind of stand-even if it's not a drastic one.<p>This is my plan as of this moment. When WH comes home today I'll tell him that his moving out tommorrow has to be a win-win situation for both me and him. He gets his space and I want mine too. I want a phone call from him if he wants to spend time with me and there will be absolutely nothing beyond friendship as long as he's still seeing her.(and unsure what he wants in life).This may not sound like much but it is a big step for me. Sticking with it is the hard part.If my life becomes very interesting and fulfilling without him and I don't have much time for him-He asked for it.