Hello everyone. I want to start off by saying thank you for the wonderful responses I have received, especially for the quick help I got on Friday when I needed my little boost. Conqueror, thank you for the insights from the other side of the fence. I believe I have been very good at being open, honest and answer all of hubby's questions and concerns (at least the ones he expresses to me). There have been times when he's asked questions that were extremely hard to fess up to, but I did because that's what he was asking of me, that's what he needed to know to help him along, and that's what I needed to do to help my marriage heal. In any event, I believe he has come to a point where he is for the most content with what I've told him. He finally, a few months ago, came to me to talk and ended up saying that he just wants to be done with this (the pain, the affair, etc.), that he wants to move on already. Now, although we both know it's not all that simple, for him to express he's ready to do that is/was an extremely large step. However, I do realize that there will still be plenty to work past and times of triggers, etc., but I do believe that for the most he is comfortable with my answers. He hasn't asked much about the affair since then. Then again, we did have several times where we just sat for a couple of hours in a question (he) and answer (me) session. Our therapist said I needed to be able to let him do that. In any event, thanks for the insights and all. And everyone, thanks for continuing to be so welcoming.<p>Update. . . when I saw hubby on Friday he was pretty much fine. I asked him about earlier in the day and he said he was just really upset because I snapped at him. I apologized and it was pretty much done. The rest of the weekend went really nice. No bad moments, no triggers, just fun and family. We went to dinner last night to celebrate my birthday (which is Wednesday). It was a really nice weekend.<p>Now, something I need to share and get out. This is something that's really difficult for me to face, and I have yet to share it anywhere, except with hubby. However, last night I had a really, really hard time with this, and I think that many of you will be able to help me to help myself past this. I was up later than hubby last night. We were both in bed, but since he has a torn muscle and taking a muscle relaxer, he fell asleep and I watched TV for a couple of hours. When I tried to go to sleep I started thinking about when I was involved in my affair. I thought about the nights that hubby asked me not to go out (now I know he asked 'cause deep down he knew what I was doing and was trying to get me to stay in his arms), and the couple of times he called 'cause my son woke up and wanted me home to put him back to sleep, but I felt hubby could handle it and finished my fun evening out. I thought about how I wasn't there for them, and how much it had to have hurt him even then. I thought about how he tried to keep me in his arms, but how I ventured out into anothers arms [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . I think about this and I hate myself sometimes. Hubby says he forgives me and that's in the past and over with. He tells me I'm not a bad person and I shouldn't beat myself up over this, but last night was really hard. I was so angry with me. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] I cried and pulled him close to me, with him arm around me and his hand close to my face safe and secure. I hated that I ever ventured away from that (I'm crying now as I write this). It hurts me inside to look at this dismal side of my affair. Hubby has tried to help me release this bitterness I hold against myself, but sometimes I can't help it. That image, those thoughts, still pop us, and when they do they hurt. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Then, I woke up several times and had a panic attack because hubby wasn't glued to me and when I came out of my sleep and he wasn't right glued to me I thought he was gone. It was a rough night for me. I am so ashamed to admit that I neglected my family that way. Although my husband says I didn't really neglect my son. That I was and still am a wonderful mother. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Also, he has told me, since d-day, that he is proud to have me as his wife. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] In any event, when I think of him at home having asked me to stay home, I fall apart thinking I was so heartless and evil [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . Anyhow, I really needed to share this with someone 'cause I had a rather rough night with it last night. I told my husband about it this morning and he held me tight, hugged me, and said "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." He is so wonderful. <p>So, anyone who has made it this far, thank you so much for sharing with me my lingering turmoil. Have a wonderful day. Mine will be as soon as I get home in my husbands arms. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks for listening. You guys really are wonderful.

Tutter13- I cried as I read your post. I have been your husband- asking my wife not to call OM-not to see him-when I knew she would and she did.
I sincerely do not want my WW to ever go through the pain you are experiencing. But gosh, the fact that you are shows your remorse is genuine and, IMHO, you really love your husband. I pray that my WW will one day be where you are.<p>Don't beat yourself up. Your husband has forgiven you and God has too. Look forward and stay out of the mental trap of reliving past mistakes. (hey, I should take my own advice!)<p>God Bless.<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

tutter...<p>I am the BS and your post made me think how (if I ever get there) I would deal with my W's feeling the way you did....<p>It sounds like you have a wonderful and understanding H.<p>Allow him to be that understanding for you....<p>Your H says he wants to put this behind him. I understand how he feels. If we were in recovery that is exactly what I would ant to do....it's the only way to heal.<p>You need to let the past be the past... Don't beat youself up over stuff that you can do nothing about.... <p>I urge you to put that negative energy into your relationship with your H and your son. Turn it into a positive....<p>It may be hard to not beat yourself up but look---it is excactly what you have to do....<p>Let it go...allow your H the chance to have what he wants---you---the best you, tutter13, can be. <p>That means not someone tormented by past mistakes or consumed by guilt over things that can't be changed.<p>Accept yourself as your H has...as an imperfect human being who is capable of making mistakes...just as we all are...<p>I read the quote below somewhere here and have kept it becuz it kind of makes sense to me about how this works for the BS who wants to continue:<p>"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."<p>Do your best to free yourself from the guilt....<p>Good luck to you and your H<p>E

Tutter, thanks again for sharing with us. You have learned so much and hopefully will be able to forgive yourself soon. My hubby is not very verbal and so many times you put words to his actions....I really think he feels the same as you. Thank you.<p>And Happy Birthday! Hope it's wonderful!<p>Lots of hugs,
JJ

Thanks Tutter for helping me this morning. I hope I might help you some. The first part of your post is so right on the nose for a BS. There are triggers and the thoughts roll on. They get fewer and fewer and farther between, but they pop up all the same. I'm hoping I'm at the end of that. I don't know the reasons for your A. But that doesn't really matter a whole lot now does it? What you said about forgiving yourself...Do you know the story of gosh, what's his name? In the Bible, Old Test. A man married a harlot. He kept taking her back and kept taking her back. I believe God used that example to show his unconditional love for us. He forgives over and over. I understand your pain. But isn't it wonderful to know that someone loves you no matter what? You will hurt for a while, but that will cease. There is a wonderful poem. I think I lost it a while ago but it's call "The Weaver." "My life is but a weaving between my God and me..." It talks about mistakes we make that God incorporates into the fabric of our lives and even though it deviates from the plan, the end result is still as beautiful and sometimes even moreso. Keep going.

Tutter it is so good to get the person doing the betraying to write about how they feel. My husband revealed his betrayal to me just last week. I know he feels horrible and he cries all the time. But you were so open with your feelings to talk about what was going on in your head. Good luck to you and your H. My husband and I are going to start counseling tomorrow night. <p>What has helped us so far is that we have a great faith in God. Pray together and see how it changes your relationship. You have a good man there.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and share my turmoil. Also, thank you so much for your encouraging words. They help alot. I just really needed to be able to finally let all those feelings out. To be able to face them, say them out loud, and hopefully be done with them so I can move on away from them. Thanks so very much for caring. I really needed you guys today, and, as always, you pulled through for me. I am so glad I can offer the other side in such a beneficial way. I am also glad you are all so willing to listen, because not only to WS's help me by the BS's help oh so much too. Thanks again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lalaram - I just wanted to note something to you. Be patient with your husband. It took me some time and a few sessions with our counselor before I was strong enough to be as open as I needed to be. I had to get to the point that I could listen for the sake of listening and answer for the sake of healing, and intertwined with all that realize that the emotions and anger were just a release not an attack at the time. It's hard, but work together and I'm sure your husband can get to that point too. Good luck in your healing. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Read my quote in my signature line. It is oh so true. Take care.

Tutter,<p>I think facing that part of yourself you don't want to face is always healing. It takes courage, but I think it always makes us stronger.<p>Your ability to do that and to share that process with your H is what enables him to reassure you. When you are able to look at it from your side and articulate it in a way so that your BS knows you're both looking at the same picture, it reassures the BS that you understand what it looks and feels like from their side, which equals empathy, which I think is crucial.

Thank you Tutter for sharing your pain. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can forgive yourself soon. Your husband has forgiven you, God has forgiven, it is time to forgive yourself. You have done a tremendous job at restoring your marriage! God sees that. I wish I had the same depth of commitment in my marriage that you and your husband share. Good luck and God bless!
BH

Dear Tutter,<p>Thanks for sharing your pain with us. I can see how difficult it was for you but feel that this revelation is part of your healing process. Kinda like putting closure on the past. <p>We all make mistakes in our life, some worse than others. The piece about forgiveness is that it helps us move forward. WE need forgiveness from others and from ourselves. <p>What I read in your posts is that you are sincere in your thoughts and very angry with your past indescretions. Ok. Get that out, change the anger and focus on now making your family the love of your life. Then both you and your H can continue on the road to recovery. <p>Actually, I am glad you went through this. This is a postive sign. I am sorry for the hurt it caused but just think, you have survived and your marriage is still in tact. <p>Hugz,
L.

Thank you all for responding to me and helping me to embrace this strength in my healing. I understand and agree with all of what you have said. I know this is a big step for me and it really helped to be able to share it here. Last night I talked with my husband about it. He simply listened and held me while I cried. He didn't really want to talk (on his part) because he didn't want to get bitter about it, but he let me talk and shared my pain with me. It was so good to express it to him. Thank you all for your encouraging words. My evening went well, and I think that hubby and I have now stepped into a slightly better stage in our rebuilding. You guys are wonderful. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Oh, {{{{{Tutter-bug}}}}}~<p>I only know too damn well these feelings you are having. When you and your hubby are first dealing with all of this right after discovery/admission there are so many issues you have to keep focused on. His pain, your actions, rebuilding, etc, etc. There are many things that don't come to the surface because other more important things are being dealt with and there is almost a state of panic in trying to deal with them.<p>The reason I post as I do (as the mean ole judgemental reformed Ex-OW) is because I care enough about others (my fellow sisters and brothers) to give them some sort of wake-up call before it's too late. SO they can avoid what I went through and what you are now going through. Don't get me wrong, when I think of the type of person I had to stoop to......the level of deceit, the level of selfishness, the level of compartmentalization....it still tears me up inside. To think I was capable and actually carried out my whims (no matter how important I thought they were) is just something I am so ashamed of.<p>I can remember my husband begging me to stay home with him.....I had expressly told him that I did not want him to go out with me......I remember as I backed out of the driveway while he was standing there with shoulders slumped and the most crestfallen beaten look on his face. Tutter, that memory will never leave me. It haunts me now. There is so much I remember and you know what? I didn't think about these things at first. These realizations didn't pop up until I was several months into rebuilding.<p>My love for my husband was being restored more and more. With each day my love grew....and that made all of those realizations even harder to bear. If someone else had hurt my husband in those ways, you had better believe I would be ready to don my battle gear. But, the fact of the matter is that I was the one who did those things. What was I going to do, fight myself? When it hit me.....when I fully realized everything I had done........things that ran much deeper than just lying or having sex with someone else........when I finally realized the enormity of my actions.....girl, you could've knocked me over with a feather.<p>The issues with my husband are completely seperate from the ones I had to confront concerning my daughter. Oh, how many times I neglected her so that I could be out of the house doing what I wanted to do?!?!?! How many love-building sessions I missed out on because I wasn't there. The guilt (for me) of not giving her something better than I had when I was growing up smacked me in the face. She was young when it happened, but she still needed her Mommy....and I wasn't there many times. OR, I was there but I wasn't really present because I had other things on my mind.<p>Tutter, I hate with a passion the things I did. I hate with a passion the person I was (or the person I had to become to do the things I did). I hate that part of my past. But you know what????? That part of me.......THOSE realizations keep me grounded. I have to remind myself...when I start feeling the guilt overtake me...that the lessons I learned from my actions are the BIGGEST lessons I have ever learned. I learned and I grew. I can apply those lessons from here on out. I can remember what I gave up during my affair and vow to never give it up again. That's what I'm doing now. That's all I can do. Keep moving forward.<p>Not once, as a child, do I ever remember personally learning honor, integrity, loyalty, honesty, or love. You know what???? I know them now!!! I have learned them in such a way that I will NEVER forget them. That is a good thing. <p>I look at my father (the person I was cloned from). We both did the same things. Adultery and all it entails. I am absolutely/completely/utterly amazed that he is 50 years old and he doesn't posess any of these things. He hasn't learned one single lesson other than being more covert in his actions. I thank my Heavenly Father and all of creation that I'm not like that. I thank GOD that I was there willing to accept the lessons in all of this that were there for the taking. I am no longer blinded. Tutter, neither are you. WE got to the bottom line in all of this. You and I have been gifted(?) in a way that every other person who has an affair has been gifted. We chose/choose to accept that gift.<p>Tut, you have learned so much in all of this. You just have to tell yourself that you KNOW you screwed up but NOW you are receptive to learning and NOT repeating those actions. We all do things in our life that we regret or wished we hadn't done. All of us. So we have to learn everything we can from those lessons and NEVER lose sight of them. <p>THAT is the beauty in being given a second chance.<p>How many times have I told you to remember yourself in all of this? Take care of YOU, too, Tutter. Don't let the guilt overwhelm you to the point that you feel like you don't deserve or you aren't worthy. You do and you are, Sweetie. You have to forgive yourself. <p>with much love, respect, support and friendship,<p>sel<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</p>

Tutter,<p>You made me cry (not a hard thing to do [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) but I found your post very moving.<p>I bet, your H did too. Knowing you feel remorse I believe helps the BS get over the A, as much as the WS needs to know they are forgiven.<p>Now both of you need to put it behind you and work on your marriage.<p>Remember God has forgiven you, now forgive yourself (easier said than done) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Tutter dear,<p>I've only just read your post sharing something difficult. I choked on the moving depth of your clarity and wisdom. You have a very special gift, Tutter. It will make this world a better place for us all. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you DWW, for the kind words. These boards have helped me tremendously. It helps to share so openly and get such a diverse set of responses. It also feels good that I can touch others and help others see things on the betrayer's side of the fence maybe a little clearer, as many have helped me see things on the BS's side so much more efficiently. Thanks again. <p>Oh, by the way, good to see you here. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Tutter~<p>Sweet One....how are you today?<p>I think I need to apologize to you for something. I feel so connected to you (our situations are so much alike)...and when I read your posts, I always have a flood of memories wash over me. I never journaled at the time of my affair...nor after my affair. I didn't find the board until several years into recovery. I know I still have issues I need to deal with....and I respond to you MOSTLY because I want you to know you are not alone....and PARTLY because I am still working on my own growth. Anyway, my apology would be this.....I'm sorry if I ramble on too much about myself and my memories in my responses to you. I was thinking yesterday about my response on this thread. I think I may have pushed to far in my response. I'm sorry. Sometimes you just have to tell me to "shut up". [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Tutter, you are doing so well, I truly admire you.<p>selket<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</p>

Selke: No apologies needed. I would never tell you to shut up. Actually, it's great that you are there to share in my progress and gain something. However, I know that it's important to be able to share your pains, triumphs, etc. So, if I spark something feel free to ramble all you want. I read your posts and enjoy sharing with you as well. Don't alter your ways my friend, I enjoy the responses, from everyone, no matter how short or how long. Thanks for the thought though, but it's not a problem at all. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Tutter13,<p>Happy b-day. Mine is today as well. Not going through what you are but feel like my wife is heading in that direction. Read my postin "Internet Affair". <p>Confronted W about relationship and she says she has no plans to see him or meet him and that I am stuck with her for good. Being supportive but still hurt form what was going on.<p>Hang in ther!

Happy Birthday to you too Something. I will read your post. My day is going great, and I hope you can say the same. Hubby wished me a happy b-day when we woke (not even out of bed). Oh, how nice that was. He made a cake last night and we are going over my parents house tonight to have it. I'm having a good day. Progressing well too. Thank you for posting. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]