As I roll into what seems like another in an endless amount of new weeks with nothing to speak of changing, I ask this question. How to you keep from not caring what happens ? I am a BS and I have been detaching from my M for fear I will be hurt again. I find myself getting real close to not caring what happens. By this I mean If things work out great, if not That's OK too. I wonder how many others have had these feeling and are they normal ? What do they mean ? Do they mean I am losing my love for my WS ? Anyone care to comment ?

I hope you'll get some more input on this....<p>but I believe it means you are losing love... your love bank is draining. <p>Are you in Plan A? Sorry, I'm not that familiar with your story. YOu need to move to Plan B if your love bank gets dangerously low, and the A continues.<p>I moved to Plan B after 6 months. My love bank was getting a little low, but it was mainly to avoid contat with my H, because every conversation drained major love bank units from me. So yes, to answer your question, I was feeling, and still am, like it didn't matter. I feel like that's also acceptance. I think of like this, I WANT my marriage to succeed. I LOVE my H. But my door is almost closed. It's open enough for him to come back in, if he pushes. But I'm not on the porch waving him in. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Mark:<p>lupolady posted the following link this weekend.<p>http://www.visionseminar.com/Learn_to_Let_Go.htm<p>It might help you focus.<p>I know I feel the same way some days, but I don't think I am losing love for my W...just frustration, which I try to manage...<p>Good luck <p>Hang in there...<p>E

Hi Mark i tend to agree with Elad im not losing my love for H. but but my frustration at this whole situation and the lenghth of time involved is starting to get to me.<p>Some days i honestly think i would be better off cutting my losses, giving up hope and starting D proceedings, but it passes and i know i cant be the one to end this M if thats what H wants he will do it when he is ready. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I sometimes wonder why we stay. is it fear or love. Are we just as unable to act as our WS's or do we do it out of love.
Clearly there is no respect for us from them ( their actions proved that) but by continuing as we are , are we just allowing this lack of respect to happen to us. I know this sounds kind of selfish, but these are my thoughts today.

Mark,
Are you in Plan A? Is the A still going on? <p>I understand how you feel... completely.... <p>What brought you to MB? I believe you still love your W, or you wouldn't STILL be at MB. <p>A long Plan A takes its toll on the BS. It's easy to get that "doormat" feeling.

markh,<p>I think what you're feeling is normal. It's part of acceptance. Myself, I have very little love left for my W and I am prepared for any outcome. The only thing keeping me going is my daughter and my desire to keep her family together. However, I'm sure given the chance, I could love my W more than ever. I'm probably way past the point that most BS's go to plan B, but since we still live together, I decided I could stay and fight for custody of my daughter or leave, plan B and basically say goodbye to my custody chances. I choose the former because I felt my chances of getting custody were better than my chances of saving my marriage. In the end, I may lose both, but I'm doing what I feel is right for me and only YOU can determine what is right for you. Either way I'll know I did everything I can and I can live with that.<p>sad dad

I've been moving toward indifference for a couple months now, and I've found that I function better overall and have fewer meltdowns. I tend to get more angry than sad when I do get triggered, which for some reason feels better, even though I don't let it out except on here and in my journal. Figure I can go on like this for a long time, especially if I keep getting stronger. Most of my M has been like this--the giving up of hope after hope. Not much hope left as H continues his denial on top of his usual historical lack of interest in meeting my needs.

Mark,<p>I got where I really didn't care. When my STBX finallydecided that he couldn't live without the OW, it was almost YEAH, IT'S OVER.<p>I am not saying in the 8 mths since I haven't had some bad patches but overall I am at peace.<p>I only did Plan A, a pretty good one for a yr. and then well I was going to Plan B but things happened and then I was where I couldn't go to Plan B. I was stuck overseas & felt I could do nothing till the school term ended. If you want to see what a difference a yr makes read my posts from Feb to June of this yr. <p>Talk about crying all over the board. I know everyone was sick of me but they were kind as most knew I had no other outlet & like I said I was stuck till school was out.<p>But that is what Plan A and Plan B are for so you can move on with your life with or without your WS.<p>Do I like my life now, it could be better but my sons are doing good and I am starting to get out more. Am I healed no but I am getting there, I only cry over my WS when he makes me mad, something that really dosen't happen very often. I try to avoid him as much as I can and think he feels the same way.<p>If you are losing your love, it is time for Plan B, that is if you want to keep it.

You are a longtime MBer and have probably already read this article about the 3 States of Mind in Marriage? Anyways, if you haven't, it could help you discern where you are and where you need to go.<p>Your state of withdrawal probably surprises you, but according to Harley, there is an undealt-with conflict that needs to be confronted by the two of you... Maybe???<p>Check this out:<p>The Three States of Mind in Marriage<p>Excerpt:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
When you're in the state of Conflict, your Taker tries to force your spouse to meet your needs, making demands, showing disrespect, and threatening your spouse with angry outbursts to get its way. But if that doesn't work--if your spouse does not meet your needs--your Taker suggests a new approach to the problem: Withdrawal. It tries to convince you that your spouse is not worth the effort, and you should engage in emotional divorce. <p>In the state of Withdrawal, spouses no longer feel emotionally bonded or in love, and emotional defenses are raised.
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