Thanks Heartpain for your reply.<p>I feel that I am getting stronger & willing to look at really getting on with my life. I went to visit my oldest S & also went to look at the town where he lives to possibly move ther - withor without WH.<p>WH left me in a small town that I love on one hand but really want to get back to a larger city. I'm taking my time, building support in the new city. I understand he probably was bored where we live now too. He chose a different road to dea with it than I did.<p>I see that your W still works with OM. It would be interesting to hear more about that. (MY WH's OW1 have known each other since high school)

WillGetThruThis - I believe you are on the right road as far as getting stronger is concerned. Dr. Phil always says you should never get divorced until you have "earned it". By that he means that you have tried everything you can to save the marriage and you have reached the point where you can leave it with no anger or resentment. Once you achieve inner peace, people around you can see that, including your H. Who knows, maybe he will find that that is what he has been missing...<p>As far as W and OM working together, I will try to give you a summary(however, I am known as rather long-winded).<p>W and OM both work in the IT department for a medium-sized company. There are probably 40 people in IT. They are both programmers. In Dec 1999, my W was working on a small project team; one manager and two worker-bees. She was a worker-bee. The other one left to move out of state and lo and behold, OM was chosen to fill the other slot. W had a lot of clout about who was selected, but rather than exclude him from consideration, she stayed neutral and her boss chose him.<p>I was livid, to say the least. W tried to placate me by saying that the probable outcome of working so closely together would be that they would hate each other. Well, that didn't happen, but she has been able to keep the friendship at work.<p>There have been bumps in this "friendship", you see, OM still loves W. She has made it clear that she wants no more than friendship. If he pushes her at all, they have an argument and don't speak to each other for several days, until he comes crawling back and says it's all his fault and he understands her position.<p>Well, for most people here, this situation would be unacceptable. They would end up divorced over this issue. However, I know my W and I know that friendship is all she will accept from him.<p>The things that piss him off at her are really kind of funny to me. One example is that on a Monday, he might ask her how her weekend was and what she did. She rarely does much alone(her choice) so she will reply "Oh, we did this...then we went there and later we watched a movie. She has told me that he really gets fried when he hears all of these "we"s. I think that sometimes she emphasizes it on purpose to let him know our status.<p>Anyway, there's a lot more, history and otherwise I can tell you about this work relationship if you really want to hear it.

Hi, just didn't want the importanc of this message to get lost.

So I did a little experiment and made a new thread with sex and money in the title... and the link comes here, to this thread.<p>Sorry for the subterfuge (sp?) anyone who gets here... but this is SO IMPORTANT!!<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by new_beginning:
So I did a little experiment and made a new thread with sex and money in the title... and the link comes here, to this thread.
<hr></blockquote><p>OK Sheryl...you got me! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm glad you helped me stumble on to this thread. It's good to see some of the older members come back and set everyone straight.<p>Thanks DeWayne for the great post!<p>Hope things are going well for all of you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>-HD<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: HurtingDeeply ]</p>

back to the top! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Great post!

Needed Bump ^

<waving to HD, who I haven't seen in a bazillion years!><p>Hey friend!!!!!!!!<p>Soooooo, gotcha over here, eh? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

WOW... I'm definitely checking out your story DeWayne... sounds oddly similar to my own...<p>Thanks for a great post!!!<p>Cali<p>...and thanks sheryl for bringing it to our attention!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by new_beginning:
<strong><waving to HD, who I haven't seen in a bazillion years!><p>Hey friend!!!!!!!!<p>Soooooo, gotcha over here, eh? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yeah. I kind of took a break for a while. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I've mostly been over at Recovery these days, but your title did get me! [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Things are going fairly well. My wife is 21 weeks pregnant, and we just found out on Monday that it's a boy. Unfortunately, the ultrasound also showed an increased chance that he may be at risk for Down's Syndrom - there was a white spot inside one of the chambers of the heart. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My wife had an Amnio this morning, and we should get the results within the next couple of weeks. Neither of our families have a history of this, and no other risk factors have shown up. I feel pretty good, but I'm still scared. Pray for us - I don't know what we are going to do if it comes back positive. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>-HD

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HurtingDeeply:
<strong><p>Yeah. I kind of took a break for a while. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I've mostly been over at Recovery these days, but your title did get me! [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Things are going fairly well. My wife is 21 weeks pregnant, and we just found out on Monday that it's a boy. Unfortunately, the ultrasound also showed an increased chance that he may be at risk for Down's Syndrom - there was a white spot inside one of the chambers of the heart. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My wife had an Amnio this morning, and we should get the results within the next couple of weeks. Neither of our families have a history of this, and no other risk factors have shown up. I feel pretty good, but I'm still scared. Pray for us - I don't know what we are going to do if it comes back positive. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>-HD</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh, you and your wife and son have my prayers... and if I may (and I'm assuming I can) I would like to begin a thread for prayers...<p>Listen, as the mother to a child with disabilities, I know how scary it is... and it may be a God send to know about it before hand. I went into a bit of denial and was afraid to love my son when he was first born... but it is AMAZING what LOVE can accomplish!<p>I am sending the most positive and peaceful prayers over to your family... <p>Much love to you and your wife,
Sheryl

Nudge to top, and also to let everyone know that I've begun a post in Recovery for HD and his family:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=006102

back to the top....

time for a bump up again

Heeeeeere's To DeWayne.....<p>Thanks for sharing your "wisdom" with us. I am a "newbie" and was quite amazed at your thread and posts.<p>I agree about "knowing your spouse" and the need to "modify". I too feel that Plan B would cause my WH to feel that I had given up on him and "quit us". He has basically B'd me (He doesn't know about MB and Plan A & B), but in a very real sense has "cut me out of his life". <p>I do not know where he is and haven't since 4/26/02. He hasn't called, made contact or responded to any e-mails. I still send e-mails of love, encouragement and desire to rebuild our marriage, yet I have clearly told him that I will not be in a 3-way relationship. That I am willingly to do everything in my power but not until WH "chooses" to end his relationship with "OW". I am not doing this to control him. I am doing this because it hurts "ME", and since we already are living apart, I feel my continued physical contact is contributing to his cake-walking/fencesitting. I cannot be with him if he is being physical with her as well (Not risking me here, not now days)!<p>Any contact with "OW", sets me back and I'm taking care of me right now and protecting the Love I still have for WH.<p>If and when he contacts me, I will follow my heart and GOD'S lead. For me WH "continued contact", (Knowing how it has hurt us, our marriage and me) is actually worse than the "A" itself. WH leading me to believe the last 1 1/2 years that "OW" was no longer an issue, than finding out he was still turning to her, hurt worse than my initial discovery in 4/99.<p>Now, if we start to re-build, get back under same roof and contact happens, I'll know that he is backsliding and can "lovingly but firmly" handle that without LB. Since we are still living apart, I cannot control him or his actions but i can control how I allow it to affect me. Make sense?<p>Well, I still think your words of wisdom are "GREAT"! THANK YOU!<p>Maybe 1 year from now, I can come back with "GOOD NEWS".<p>HUGS<p>
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

BetrayedAgain - Thank you for the vote of confidence...Is there a "blushing" smilie?? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway, I understand completely what you are saying. I realize that it's very tough for you now, but you really have it together for someone in your position and I am very proud of you and what you have done.<p>There are several people here right now who could really benefit by using you as a role model. In fact, in my "dark" days, I would have looked up to you with deep admiration and a desire to emulate what you are doing.<p>Even though he is "gone", I think the fact that it has gone no farther than it has bespeaks the fact that your WH has not completely given up on the M. He seems to be leaving a "lifeline" as long as you volunteer to be there to reel him in. It's really sad that people can treat others like this.<p>I do very much hope that you can return in a year with "GOOD NEWS"...<p>Take Care.....

Heartpain (DeWayne),<p>Morning. Well I'm still breathing so I guess this means I'm stronger? (Look at my profile).<p>Thanks for your very encouraging and kind words. Yes, this is really, really hard for me. My WH is the "Love Of My Life" and he used to tell me that too. From 4/99 till 12/01 he told me that he loved me 1 time and I never stopped telling him. In the beginning of this, when I would tell him "I love you", he asked me to stop because it made him feel guilty, that he knew I loved him. I reminded him that I was "his wife" and it was normal for a wife to not only love her husband but to say it. I NEVER stopped telling him.<p>WH started telling me that he loved me, missed me and only reason we were apart was because of his job in 12/01. Well, 4/13/02, I was informed by sources that he had picked "OW" up at our former worksite, driving her mini-van. "OW" told these same sources that his truck had broke down and she was taking him back to the city. WH during this same time frame, had told me himself that he was having truck problems and needed to be thinking about getting a different one. And sources (Saw my WH in person).<p>4/14/02, my WH called me shortly after I got off duty, on my cell phone. A male co-worker had a wreck and asked me to take him home. "Jeff" also details my car for me and his wife buys MK from me. I was turning across traffic when my cell rang and "because I had nothing to hide", asked Jeff to grab the phone, he did. WH was very obviously agitated and asked me "Who the h**l just answered your phone"? I answered him honestly. Then my WH informs me that he is NOT going to answer any of my d**n questions, how he (WH) was not even going to tolerate my leaving messages like that on his company phones (they monitor calls) and how he (WH) is sick of me going off on him everytime I hear something from every Tom, [censored] and Harry. So he dumped it in my lap and acted like it was just a "rumor".<p>(HHHHHmmmmmm). Wonder where WH's concern about company monitoring his calls was when WH was talking sexy to me on that business cell phone????????<p>Well, on 4/22/02, I called WH after days of nothing from him and he informed me that he had lost his job that morning. He didn't state why and that he had to go back in to find out why. (Company had lay-off 1 month prior and WH thought he was going to get the ax then). My guess, it was probably due to company cut-backs but WH probably "blames me" for his losing his job. When WH told me he lost job, I calmly said: "I love you and I'm here if you need me" and WH said "OK". Well, WH was staying in company apt.(So he claims), if that was true, than he had to find somewhere else to live and I don't know about our truck's condition.<p>On 4/26/02, WH calls and informs me by phone that "He is sick of everyone having their damn noses stuck in his business" and "I'm not telling you where I am at"! I calmly asked: "Not even your wife"...and he replies: "NO, NOT EVEN YOU"! Then he screams that he has 2 job interviews and he doesn't have time for this s**t. I said nothing and quietly hung up on him. (Ok, tired of everyone's nose stuck in his business, why tell me he had 2 job interviews)?<p>WH has made no contact since 4/26/02. I have e-mailed with no response from WH. First ones are pretty angry and irrate (I know love-busters) but have completely turned in tone, based on MB principals and my re-newed growth in GOD the last 3 weeks.<p>One thing, My WH since beginning of this in 4/99, has "NEVER" told me that he does not love me or that he loves "OW". He only admitted having feelings for her and he didn't know the nature (that was in 8/99). For the last 1 1/2 years, we laughed, talked, loved when he came home. "Now all that seems to simply not matter to him". I showed him how great we could be (under circumstance and our living 150 miles apart) but I guess that just went right out the window when I confronted him last month.<p>When I found out in April, I screamed divorce and even made an apt. with my attorney and I told him the date and time. Well It was for 4/30/02 and he cut me off and basically went into hiding 4/26/02. I never kept the appt. (my heart couldn't do it). I still love him.<p>If he's with her.....oh well...maybe they'll burn out. If not, then hopefully "GOD" is using this time to deal with WH.<p>When WH first left in 4/99, we had a fight because I found out that he had known for about 2 months that he had a "heart condition" and was on medication. It was the "OW" whom he went through for Dr.'s and etc. (She is an LPN). I was FURIOUS that he had hid it from me and especially that he went through her. My WH answered me that he had kept me in the dark because I was too controlling, possessive and etc. I responded: "If I am so possessive and controlling, than how did you get this pulled off and hide it from me"?<p>"OW" went through her divorce about same time as my WH moved out (4/99). For about 6 weeks I didn't know where he had moved but I found him. Went up to his door at 2am, he stepped outside of apt. and was "irrate that I had found him", (he had told me not to hunt him). I never said a word to him about her van being parked right next to "OUR" truck in the parking lot. That's when I knew it was more than just "rumor's" at work.<p>Well, I left there and transfered back to facility near our home that very night,(gave up my stipes to do so).<p>4/00, WH went back to college and resigned from the department 8/11/00 (my birthday). He started his new job in the city 11/02 (job he lost on 4/22/02). Christmas 2000, he came home and said that he "had to close his apt. down, just had to get away from there", (Apt. where they had the "A"). I never questioned, just listened and sensed she was putting pressure on him or he was trying to break away then. 3/31/01, he closed apt. out and stayed in the city with his cousin. Then he started staying (supposedly) in the company apt. and was traveling all over with his job. WH came home more and more and called frequently. He even told me last October that he was sorry about 2 years ago. On that day, it had been 2 years since I had my wedding rings delivered to him at her backdoor. WH gave me my rings back but wouldn't put them back on my hand. He said "You took them off". What, he didn't give me a reason???? (((((FOG))))). Well I have been wearing them every since and even through this since discovery last month, they are on my hand.<p>Really hurts that he has done this and mis-lead me, Hurts really bad that he has "cut me out and off". Even when I screamed that I would divorce him (even though I still loved him) if he didn't "Get rid of her" and I swore to "GOD" that I would drag her right into the middle of this, if it went that far, WH HAS NOT said anything about wanting a divorce. I KNOW this was love-busting and "STUPID" on my part but that was my "snapping moment". Found MB "after I did that".<p>I have not tried to find him, unlike the first time he left. Sources tell me that he HAS NOT been seen over there and "OW" has been looking like "road-kill" since this all blew up with us last month. So, he has either cut her off too or moved in with her and his moods are wearing her down? Either way, it's ok. I have learned so much through MB, the psots, books and since turning back to the "Lord". I'm really doing pretty good under the circumstances. "Hurt is what I feel now", anger, hate, wanting to kill someone mode and all that "yucky stuff" is gone. Hurt is being comforted by "GOD".<p>"All I can do is PRAY-PRAY-PRAY"!!!!! Since WH hasn't said anything about divorce and hasn't seemed to take any steps that direction or remove anything else from our home, I'm trusting in "GOD", that is a good sign. I'm taking that as GOD answering my prayers. As I said, I'm taking care of me now.<p>WH has to fight this battle himself (OF course, I am praying for him, so he's gonna have "GOD" on his tail and side). And out of obedience to GOD, I'm even praying for "OW" as well. I don't hate her, just hate her involvement in our marriage and her influence on my WH. I really don't believe they will last. How can they? <p>I'm staying strong in my faith and walk with "GOD". Wow, I didn't mean to "unload"....(Feel better though)....I have 2 choices, find a rock and crawl under it or hold my head high and go on... "I choose the latter".....Sure, I made human mistakes but I never left him, gave up or brought another into our marraige. I have never hurt him in this way nor will I.<p>GOD BLESS AND HUGS
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 25, 2002: Message edited by: BetrayedAgain ]</p>

^ up ^

up again [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]