This is a very rough draft of "the" letter. I just want to note that in this letter I did not include any indication of taking him back or keeping the door open if he decides to come back. The reason for this is because I don't want him back. I can not even look at this man without feeling sick. This is probably a normal reaction after what happened Thursday night, but I just wanted to let you know why there is no mention of taking him back. Thanks in advance for any opinions/criticism. <p>Dear R
This is probably the most difficult letter I have ever had to write, but it also the most necessary one.<p>First of all, please know that I accept full responsbility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. You did not feel as though you were able to talk to me about your feelings because you thought I would cry. You were probably right! I am working on becoming an emotionally stronger person. As you know, I have been extremely sensitive my whole life, so this is not an easy task!

The past few months have been extremely difficult for all of us. The pain, emptiness, and sorrow that I endure every single day is too much for me to bear. The only thing that keeps me going are my memories of our years together, and I thank you for that. <p>Since you are unwilling to to end your affair with Julie, I need to end all contact with you. Please know that I am only doing this to protect my emotional well-being. Your relationship with our children is extremely important to me. You can see them whenever you like, as long as it is not at our house. You can leave a message for them on the answering machine or you can email them. If you wish to email me you can reach me at valchavin@yahoo.com. If you have an urgent matter to discuss, you can email me. Please do not call me. It is too difficult for me to talk to you right now. <p>I think you know that the only way we could possibly work out any of our problems is for you to end all contact with Julie, to seek counseling for yourself and for our marriage, and to start AA (as your drinking has gone way out of control). Without taking these steps there is no hope for a future for us. <p>I hope that you will respect this decision. You must realize how torturous this situation has been. I will not stay in a situation that is so disrespectful to me and to our children. With the stress and uncertainity in life, I need to fill my life with those who truly love and care for me.<p>I am ready to begin a new chapter in my life and I want to thank you for giving me 21 wonderful years together. <p>With my love,
P<p>Thanks everyone,
BH<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]</p>

Hi BH,<p>I'm getting ready to jet out of work and headed for aPilates class. I read your draft and think it's a good start BUT .... you're missing a very important element.<p>In the sample Plan B letters there is a place where you tell the WS you know you contributed to the state of the marriage or environment in which they were unhappy. And how you did that .... you know, like if you were emotionally unavailable or didn't meet their needs, etc. It's important for them to know you take that 100% responsibility of your 50% of the marriage breakdown, Hon.<p>I will try and get back on later this eve, okay?<p>You did good for a first stab. I'm hoping several MB members will help critique it.<p>BH, do you feel that you have a solid Plan A foundation to be able to go to Plan B? Do you feel that you have changed and that your WS recognized those changes?<p>Jo

Thanks Jo for the input. I have done a pretty good Plan A. I don't know if he has noticed that I have changed, but I definitely have. He is not one to compliment me on anything, so that fact that he hasn't mentioned a change in me doesn't surprise me. People at work have noticed that I have changed. I have become more confident in myself and able to stand up for myself in many situations. Before I would crumble when someone critized me. Now I accept it. I will think about what you have suggested and work on adding it to the letter. Thanks Jo!!
BH<p>I added the paragraph as you suggested...how does it sound?? Even after all of the reading I have done, this is still so difficult to put down on paper the words you want to say. so thanks for any input you can give.
BH<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]</p>

BH,<p>I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you. I read your edits. It's good but feels like something is still lacking, Hon.<p>Gosh, I hope you haven't already given it to him.<p>I'm bumping this up so others can help with critiquing it.<p>ANYONE HAVE INPUT FOR BH ON HER PLAN B LETTER UP ABOVE?<p>Jo

Hi Jo,
I haven't given it to him yet. I know it is lacking something, but I don't know what else to say. Maybe this isn't a good time to write the letter since I don't feel anything for him right except disgust. I wonder if that is why the letter doesn't have the "right stuff" ...I am not right. I have to try to compose myself before I can compose the letter. Thanks for your input Jo, I appreciate it. You really are a special lady!!
BH

BH,<p>I hope you don't change a thing. I think it is perfect in it's simplicity and not overly mooshy. Your firm resolve comes through loud and clear. I think you should send it just like it is now.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by brokenhearted:
<strong>
Since you are unable to to end your affair
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I would change this line to: Since you are unwilling to end your affair...

Thanks Conqueror and MelodyLane. I appreciate your input. I like the change from unable to unwilling! ML - that is what I striving for...short and sweet...not too mushy.
BH

Oh, oh, oh, you're missing what you need from him to rebuild the marriage (i.e., counseling, no contact, std test, etc.), and then you will lift Plan B, but without his agreement of those conditions met, it's "bye bye BH".<p>From what you write, BH, sounds as tho you really are starting to lose love for your H. Plan B looks like the inevitable.<p>Are you okay? How do you feel?<p>And Plan B reaction from H preparation is as follows:<p>He may be angry. He may insist on contact stating this is ridiculous, manipulative, inpratical, stupid, etc. He may try and trick you into contact using the kids, or try and ask you to dinner and schmooze you ... Don't Bite. It's interesting how they fight Plan B cause afterall, what did they expect?<p>He has to agree to meet your recovery conditions to lift Plan B.<p>So BH, edit your letter adding the Plan B conditions for recovery and let us see it one more time, then you're ready, k?<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Bump ^^^

Hi Jo,
I edited my letter with your suggestion. I hope it sounds OK. I guess I just don't want to say too much or the wrong thing. Let me know what you think OK. Thanks so much for all of your help with this. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I appreciate it!!
BH

BH,<p>This looks pretty good to me. Does anyone else have any input for BH on her Plan B letter (located on first thread of this post) before she delivers it to her H?<p>Jo<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

BH --
Good letter, and good changes.<p>When are you going to deliver it?

Hi Lexxy...I am going to try to give it to him on Sunday. He is taking the kids out to "talk" and I thought when he brings them back I could give it to him. With the way things are between us right now, it probably won't be a big change anyway. We hardly ever talk to each other unless he has a question or complaint about the bills. <p>Thanks so much everyone for your help (especially Jo...your input and bumping has been a great help!!) The board moves so fast lately that threads can be easily missed. I'll let you know how it goes. I am so nervous!!
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>BH

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by brokenhearted:
I am so nervous!!
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
<hr></blockquote><p>You'll be okay, BH. This letter will illustrate to your WH that you are a strong loving woman that respects herself and can forgive if forgiveness is desired. Remember, many have gone before you ...<p>And, as far as this letter not making a difference, it will. Once the A dies it's natural death, it gives him something to read again and again when he is in a quandry about what to do.<p>BTW: Are you going to give the OW a copy? Harley does suggest to do so in some cases. I think yours may apply.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hi Jo,
Thanks so much for those kind words!! I don't think I am going to give her a copy. I hadn't really thought about it. She doesn't deserve my time or thoughts. Everytime I think of her with my H my skin crawls!! Well anyway, before I start going on a tangent....I will think about giving her a copy. Thanks again for all of your help Jo. You are such a caring, wise person. I hope you are doing better. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are such a strong person! With all that you are going through, I find it amazing that you take the time to answer so many people here. Thank you for everything!
BH

I am happy to help others .... I have ulterior motives, it helps me feel good about myself.<p>And ... I'm just PAYING IT FORWARD [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck to you, BH. Let us know how it goes.<p>Jo<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong><p>
BTW: Are you going to give the OW a copy? Harley does suggest to do so in some cases. I think yours may apply.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>oh, I would SO LOVE to give the OW "something" on brokenhearted's behalf. I would be in prison right now if my H did this.

Jo - thanks and I will let you know how it goes. He is taking the kids out tomorrow to talk so I will decide how and when to give the letter to him after that. <p>ML - believe me...I have had many ideas of what I could do or send to her. My favorite one given to me at this site was the manure idea!! Oh would I have loved to have done that! LOL <p>BH

Good Luck, BH. I will say prayers for you this evening.<p>God Bless,
Jo