My H and I are truly in recovery and although it has been only 4 weeks since complete contact stopped my H is over withdrawal and we are working on building our marriage.We are both very happy and things are going well.<p>My question for all you MB veterans is how do you draw a balance between moving on with your lives and answering all the questions you have as the BS about the A.<p>Last night for example, I have been bottling up questions about A for several weeks, as I know how draining on both of us dredging up that nightmare time is on both of us. I know my H feels that is raking up old ground and I know it is difficult for him to face the guilt etc. - but because of the bottling the questions came out in a LBing way rather than what I had planned. My H was so very good and suggested I take these questions to our next counselling session on Friday as last night really wasn't the time .I agreed. <p>I re-read the Harley article on "Overcoming Resentment" this morning and he clearly states not to dredge up the past and concentrate on the now and the future where you can have an effect.<p>We are both moving on and working hard on building our marriage - but I still have questions about A (this secret life)- I am now torn between whether I should ask these questions or try to move on without asking.<p>Comments, perspectives anyone?

Pixie, Hi, have you tried journeling? I wrote down all of my questions as they popped up. Then I was able to concentrate on other things because I had addressed them, given them a place, and then was able to put them away. My husband and I would sit and talk at a time when we would not be interrupted and go through them. He felt less interrogated, and I had an outlet in the meantime between the talks. Hats off to your husband for going to counseling, and it sounds like a great idea to address many of your questions there. If he is willing to be open with you about A and your feelings, you are already off to a great start.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pixie7:
<strong><p>I re-read the Harley article on "Overcoming Resentment" this morning and he clearly states not to dredge up the past and concentrate on the now and the future where you can have an effect.<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p> I agree with Dr. Harley. You can only beat a dead horse for so long. My H showed great remorse (which was a big key to recovery for me). As much as he would have loved to go back and change the past, he couldn't. It was over and done with. I tried to put myself in his place. If I had been the one to make a horrible mistake, was truly soory for it and doing everythign in my power to make up for it, how would I feel if someone kept bringing it back up? Not good, and eventually it would probably push me away, with thoughts like "no matter what I do this will never be over." I don't think the A has been mentioned at all since maybe 3 months after it was over. The only reason it was discussed at all for that long was because the OW was harassing us and that's how long it took to get her to go away. I felt that we needed to put the past behind us and move ahead towards the positive. He was already doing everything he could to make it up to me. Continuing to discuss it wasn't going to make anything better IMO and it would only keep us wallowing in the unchangeable past.

And if the WH isn't over the affair? Does that entitle us, the BS's, to ask questions? This still probably makes things worse, because the WS's feel we're all over them. For me, I panicked. I called all the time. And the lack of trust I showed only exacerbated the problem. So what, then, is the proper forum and when is the proper time to ask questions and hopefully lay them to rest?<p>I admire the strength and resolve so many of you show . . . I'm just not there yet.

I asked so many questions at first and WH was very good about answering. Now I wish I hadn't asked. It just increased triggers. I wish I had stuck to the reasons WHY the A happened, not what happened in the A or about OW.<p>Journaling is a fantastic outlet as Sfmc suggests.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Twinkles:
<strong>I asked so many questions at first and WH was very good about answering. Now I wish I hadn't asked. It just increased triggers. I wish I had stuck to the reasons WHY the A happened, not what happened in the A or about OW.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>That's exactly why I didn't ask a ton of detailed questions. The unasked for details I got from the OW were bad enough triggers for me already, I didn't need any more. I go the necessary information and moved on. I chose to focus on the WHY, not then when, where and how. The why could be worked on, improved and done away with, the when where and how were over and couldn't be changed. One of the many unfairnesses to the BS in this scenario is that there are some things that most of us just have to work out on our own if we want the marriage to be a success. My H was very patient and understanding with me after we got back together, but consistent badgering and questioning about things he wanted to forget over a long period of time would not have been conducive to recovery in our case.

Thanks for all your responses.
Journelling is a fantastic suggestion and provides a good framework to work through any questions and avoids me LBing.<p>Just some background and more information....<p>We have been married only 5 months but have been together for 7 years.
The affair started just 6 weeks into our marriage.
DDay was 12/8 when PA ended, this was 4 weeks later.
H was the one who confessed on D-Day but only initially to the EA. I had known something was wrong in the 4 weeks of the affair so wasn't completely surprised when H told me. <p>EA and contact ended 1/25. I found the continued torture of him contacting OW and the lies very hard to take as everyone does.<p>The A was with gf of a couple we were both friends with and had known for about 3 years.<p>My H and I have attended Marriage Counselling since before the EA ended, the counselling we are receiving is excellent and helped us examine our ENs and really understand the meaning of marriage and what we need to do to maintain it.
It also intially helped H decided which relationship he wanted. Since we were hardly married before the affair, this feels like a fresh start for both of us.<p>I have already asked some questions about the A when contact ended and understand my H ENs that were not being met before the A. My H is not extremely remorseful but does understand my pain but I also understand and recognize his pain- we are both trying to work this through the best we can and concentrate on our marriage.<p>I had actually started to write down my questions in preparation for our counselling session on Friday.<p>
What are your feelings now towards the A?
What are feeling now towards OW?
How did the A finish?
When promises of no-contact were broken - who was it that broke them - or was it just a ploy to keep bf and I off away from your affair? I thinking particularly about when you promised before Christmas when I just found out and when you went to see OW just after New Year.
Were you both as keen on each other - as you mentioned OW came on to you initially?
Did you ever talk about a future together?
Did you have feelings for OW before we got married?<p>I now have to decide whether I should ask the questions or not- still feeling torn.....<p>
Advice?

The problem for me is that without all of my questions being resolved, I cannot move on. The reason is that my H is NOT doing everything he can to rebuild the M and he never has, before or after his A. He has not demonstrated appropriate responsibility and accountability for what he did, doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of it, the devastation of it. He has no insight into the WHYs. Acts like he just tripped, but landed on his feet, so no problem. He has not gone back and looked at what made him trip so that he can see it coming next time.<p>He has no sensitivity or empathy for my pain, which makes it clear to me that my life is not safe in his hands. If someone doesn't understand and appreciate the pain they caused someone, then how can they be remorseful about it or mindful enough of it to avoid it in the future?<p>What I see is that he is in denial and is refusing to face and deal with that part of himself he doesn't want to admit exists. As long as that is the case, then just as before, that part can take over at any time, and he will be just as powerless as he was last time. His whole take on it is that he "was a different person then" and now that he is not that person anymore (by HIS perception), it is over and done with.<p>IMO, he needs to integrate and own all the parts of himself so that he can control them within appropriate boundaries. As long as he can pretend that "someone else did it", then "someone else" is in control.<p>That is why I need all of my questions answered, so that he has to FACE them, acknowledge their validity, own what he did to me, integrate himself. Until he can articulate and demonstrate empathy and remorse born of it (instead of his own discomfort) and insight into all of his choices that led down that road and how to make different ones in the future with a commitment to that, I will remain stuck where I am.<p>Another part of it is that it was not one act. It was a multitude of choices and attacks and offenses and assaults, and as each one comes up and he brushes it off or refuses to deal with it or lumps it into "the past" or blames it on that "someone else", I become less and less willing to reveal my pain to someone who has no empathy for it. There can be no intimacy when you bear your pain alone.<p>Yesterday I came upon the Mother's Day card he gave me during the A: For my wife, Though I may not often thank you for all the love you show, I appreciate it always, more deeply than you know...And as we go on sharing what life will bring our way, I'll always be in love with you just as I am today! Happy Mother's Day with All My Love.<p>Some kind of thought process took place that day when he purchased this card. According to what he's told me so far, he was "in love" with the OW on that date, so my question is why give me a message like this when it is not true? He also claims that he considered himself single when he pursued and conducted his R with the OW. Does that sound like a card from a single man? Obviously he wanted me to believe I was in a M while he pursued his A. He also asserts that I should have known he was having an A, that he didn't try to hide anything. Is this card consistent with that?<p>The reason I want to pursue questions like these is more for HIS benefit than mine, or maybe the M's benefit since I cannot commit to it while he is where he is. I fully grasp and understand the inconsistency, the deception, the double standard. And I NEED to know that he fully grasps all of it as well.