I see so many people today posting about how they feel they are being used like a doormat while they are in Plan A.<p>I too once thought that way.....and then today...while I was reading posts....something hit me.<p>It occured to me that at one time I treated my H like he was a doormat.
Before the A happened we had been having trouble for about 2 years.
I got so wrapped up in being a mom of 3 daughters (the youngest 2 are only 18 months apart) take care of the house and the bills and this and that....that I really just forgot who I really was...and what I really was.
I didn't want to be affectionate with my H because at the end of the day I didn't want anyone putting their hands on me....I'd had kids crawling on me all day....and quite frankly...I was disgusted with myself. I didn't like the way I looked....I didn't like anything about me.
Unfortunately....my H paid for the price for it.<p>For 2 years this man tried his hardest to win back the wife he once had.....but I didn't realize WHAT he did until after the A came into light.<p>When I realized my part in the destruction of our marriage I had MAJOR guilt. I couldn't believe what I had done......I couldn't believe what I had put my H through. I remember even saying to myself.....I don't blame him at all...I probably would have turned to someone else too.
Why did I say that?<p>Because....now that I can see it all clearly....my H did try to talk to me about our troubles.....he did suggest that we do this or that and suggested counseling several times.
He tried his hardest....did for 2 years...and I just wouldn't budge. He then just couldn't take it anymore and gave up.
Unfortunately....he decided to have an A BEFORE he decided to leave me. He knows it was wrong. I know what I did was wrong....and now we are working hard on fixing all those things to make sure that they never happen again.<p>Now.....I don't care if the kids have hung on me all day or not....I NEED that affection from my H and he needs it from me. Now.....we talk about everything....and that is even different...it's not just talking and not getting anywhere.<p>Now....I know that everyones situation is unique in it's own way.....but there was SOMETHING that made most of our spouses drift away that put them in a good position of having an A. Mine was my own stubborness and selfishness.
Maybe if we look back on what actually led to the destruction of things and realize our parts in what happened.....we won't feel so much like doormats when we are trying so hard to put the pieces back together and it seems like we aren't getting anything for it. Maybe some more people will realize that at one time.....they treated someone like they are being treated now and maybe it will help you understand how you are being treated now.<p>Plan A is and was different for me....it's not really consisent with the MB principles in my situation. I was not one to keep my mouth shut about anything. If I had a problem I voiced it....it didn't matter if it made my H mad or not. It wasn't my problem if he got mad about it.....I didn't ask for any of this to happen to me....and I sure as heck wasn't going to lay down and take it by keeping my mouth shut about something that bothered me.
I did some Major LB'ing.....but this is what worked for me. My H no longer saw me as a weak person....he saw me for the strong woman that I am today.
Not everyone agreed with the way I was doing things....but it worked for me.<p>I'm not really sure what the reason for this post was.....other than a realization that I myself had......maybe just hoping some others could relate to it and that it would make them feel a little more at ease at the stage they are in.

Just wanted to say I could post your post! Except my H retreated instead of voicing what he was feeling...we fed off eachother's pushing away and pushed each other away further and further. I often struggle with the realization "Would I have changed if the worst case scenario hadn't happened?" I don't think I would've and that scares me. It scares me really bad. I had the chance (as did WH) and we both chose to suffer in our own private hell instead of biting the bullet and working on our marriage. And it all came to head when I quit work to stay at home with my little boy. I put my focus into all that you had mentioned and when WH came home, I didn't tell him I missed him or jump up and greet him and kiss him like I should have...I should have shown and told him how much I missed him all day, but instead I resented him and left the room when he came home so that I could get a break from our toddler. WH says it felt like it was always "me and our S" and that he (H) was just an outsider, just part of the equation that was necessary, but not really important (if that makes sense).<p>Sigh.....

Well said. Is it that third kid that does it???And I didn't appreciate what he was doing because it wasn't done "my way."<p>In fact a couple of months ago I was frustrated about me being the only one working on the marriage. Then I realized I was defining "working on the marriage" as reading a lot of books and discussing topics and filling out questionnaires and maybe for him, working on the marriage right now is fighting fog, or respecting the boundaries I am learning to erect, or telling the truth about being on the fence instead of lying just to have a smooth life... and I have no idea how hard these behaviors are for him so I'd better not judge.