Hi folks and thanks Orchid- I've taken your advice and started my own thread. For those who haven't read the previous thread that Orchid started with my story- here it is again.
18months ago I found out my husband was having an affair- he'd been working away during the week and only home at weekends. For the next 2 months we discussed his relationship with OP and after Christmas 2000 he agreed to no more contact with her. However on Valentines day I found out he'd taken soemone else out for V>Dinner. I had by this time got a job and arranged to move myself and three children to live near to husbands job so we could be together. He then said I wasn't meeting his needs and he felt that even if I tried to it would be 'put on' so he didn't want to try and he left me. We have been separated for a year and he visits the children twice a week. At these times we spend time pleasntly together and he treats me like a close friend or sister. He in the meantime has a new girlfriend of 6 months. We did try counselling in the early days of separation but the counsellor told us to stop coming as he wouldn't make any changes though I was and am willing to change as needed. ( Counsellors words not mine). I feel I've been plan A for all this time though I didn't know it. That said in first 6 months of sep[aration there werte time s when I cried and begged him to come home. More recently I have been just making his visits as pleasnat as possible in the hope he would recognise what he had lost.
I onmly found thsi site on Saturday and wonder if anyone has comments or advice.
As a Christian I believe Gd can heal marriages and that is what I am praying for along with my husbands return to the lord.
Because we live 100 miles from husbands job- its changed again I find the idea of p;lan B - no contact between him and me difficult to implemant all though I did try last October when seeing him and losing him over and over became too painful.
Not sure where to go forward from here. Jante<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: jante ]<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: jante ]<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: jante ]<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: jante ]</p>

Jante,<p>I'm sorry for your pain. It is all too familiar.
I too had been basically separted for quite a while before finding out about Affair(s) I had probably started a version of plan A without realizing it.<p>Read all you can on this website, get the book Surviving an affair (not sure if that is exact title) by Harley, Learn all you can, post here frequently & read posts.<p>I found help with a christian counselor (by phone) - www.lifecoachinginternational.net and also have started sessions with Steve Harley.<p>I too am a Christian & have many praying for my husband. I found the book, the Power of a praying wife by Stormy Omartian (?) vey helpful. (I noticed the first day I said the prayers that something had changed.<p>Hopefully this helps. I will keep you & your family in my prayers.<p>GOD BLESS

Thanks wgtt, I have also found the Rejoice Ministry site and that helps a lot. I am in England and don't always have access to the same counsellors etc. However I have a Pastor and Wife who are very supportive and some very strong praying friends. However it helps to come and talk where others understand the emtions etc. Jante

Jante, <p>I too found rejoice ministries as well as Covenant keepers dot com (?) I find the daily emails from Charlene helpful. I try to focus on what I really want - a Christ Cetered marriage & try to keep my eyes on the Lord. Not always easy to do, but worht the effort.

Hey Jante,<p>Glad you posted your thread. So you are in England? There are a few posters from your end of the world here at MB. It may be nice to know how they are. I know Venus is one of them. Maybe she can identify more. <p>All of this may be new and overwhelming to you. The support here is good considering all of us are dealing with all this mess plus keeping up with our daily responsibilities. <p>Hang in there, you are doing good. <p>Hugz,
L.

Orchid thanks. I have been reading much oin gthese boards and found Calis very helpful. I have looked at Divorce Busters as well and think I'm looking at staying with plan A being positive ets but also putting some distance in not letting him always know whaty I am up to and being a bit more mysterious.
That said last nuight he complemented me aagain on my new hairstyle then went on to tell me about his new girlfriends redundancy. Not sure that being his friend is always that helpful to me!
Jante

Have done a lot more reading on this site and the questionnaires on emotional needs etc. Have looked back at my marriage and the last year of separation and am not sure what to do now. We had had a great marriage, we loved each other had regular and exciting sex, though my husband now tells me that he thinks I only hhad sex out of 'duty' . We talked many things through did things together and I had just taken up his new hobby of sailing not long before the affair. Since he left I have concentrated on being a better person in myself and to all around me. Not superwoman so have failed at times.
I have made sure I have looked after mky appearance taken up new pursuits and always try to meet as many needs of my husband as he will let me. He wont let me kiss him but will let me hug him as he leaves and on occasions recently have touched him in passing etc and he hasn't pulled away.But he continues to have a new girlfriend who I'm sure he sleeps with he took her to our old home which we still own at New Year and generally ignores me except when he is here to see the children. Then we have great family times together. Recently we went bowling as a family and had a meal out.
Question- do I keep on with this or do I look at plan B as he is cakeman? I know in the end its my decision but any imput from all those who have more experience of all this would be welcome. Jante
marries 17 years
3 boys- 13 11 8
d day 31.10.00
husband left home 24.02. 01
visits twice a week but sees other woman in between- don't think hes living with her. Been plan a-ing without realising for last 9 months

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I too enjoy the daily devotionals from Charlyne. Have you ordered any of their material...I suggest after the prodigal returns...it has his and her stories. Though it is geard for after the return, it is good insight now.
I too am hoping for my husbands return and return to the Lord...they are fighting it now.

Faiht and Hope- yes I have read Prodigals do reurn and After Prodigals return as well as the daily devotional e.mails. I have a friend whose husband is also living with OW and we share, pray and encourage each other. I suppose my problem at the moment is the feeling that praying is not enough - I should be doing something- afiht without works etc. I know that in the end God is Almighty and Powerful and He can do what ever H wills. My husband is still very much out of Gods hands because he jumpoed and doesn't want to come back. I actually talked a little wqith him the other noight about it but he still wants to end ousr marriage and continue with this girlfriend.
Jante

Do you have a copy of power of a praying wife? I just got one...great help!

Thanks Faith nad hope- no haven't got that book yert but will get it. Have been invited to join husbad when he takes the children out tomorrow- first time in ages hes suggested it instead of me asking if I can go or staying behind on my own perhaps plan a is working.jante

Well not sure where I'm at. Husband came over yesterday to see the kids and we went to the local shopping mall to by son some new clothes together. We had lunch then went to an electrical goods store as I was looking for a new dishwasher. H. sent boys to look at computer games and came with ME to look at dishwashers. Normally he would have stayed with the children and sent me off on my own. Was just beginning to think tghis was a positive move foprward when he startedtelling me about girlfriends dishwasher. He did comment it was probably not what I wanted to hear!! I laughed it off and changed subject. Was that the best thing to do? Does it sound like hes weanting to make moves towards me?? I'm really confused?

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HELP!!
Wish I knew whether I'm doing things right or not. After a lovely Saturday, tonight when he came he was very distant and uninterested in anything about me- not that I tried to tell him but he didn't ask.He came wearing tie and cufflinks which OW had bought him and that felt very strange. I really want to make things work but despite changing and trying to meet his EN I don't have any feed back so not sure whether its working. I'm tired of not knowing.
Have sent for SAA so perhaps that will give me a clearer picture as to what I should be doing and where I should be going. Jante

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What upsets me about the LisaOW post is that she gets answers and here \i am desperately seeking help and I'm ignored- is it cos I'm english or just boring! Unfortunately to me my situation is very real and very pailnfiul and I really would like to have others opinions as I am very isolated and don't know who else to ask.

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Jante,
I am so sorry for your pain. <p>You did good to hijack other threads to draw attention to yourself. Keep doing that if you don't get a response. Plus when I see a subject that has 18 replys as yours does, I think the person is taken care of so I don't read it. Another suggestion would be to start a new thread.
Another way to get attention is to write a spicy subject. All this is pretty pathetic. But I can relate to feeling as though no one hears you and it works!!! <p>I would like to recommend you read "Tough Love" by James Dobson (he is a Christian Author). I am a strong believer in Christ and I pray a lot too. But the thing to realize is that God has given us all free will so no matter what you pray, your Husband may choose to never come back. I say this because this journey nearly caused me to give up my faith completely. Rest assured, there will be consequences to your Husbands actions but God will not force him to come back. Although I do believe that God uses us as tools to shape one another (as iron sharpens iron). <p>I think if you have been trying the same thing for 6 months and you are not satisfied with the results, its time to try something new. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.<p>I think it is ABSOLUTLEY Ludicrous that he thinks it is ok that he talk so openly about his girlfriend. Another good book would be "Boundaries" by Henry Claude and Robert Townsend (Also Christian Authors). <p>Right now it sounds as though he is completely content with the way things are. There is no motivation to change because there are no consequences to his actions. So I would strongly recommend detaching from him emotionally (I will look up the Divorce Busters post to tell you how to do that). <p>There is a way to tell him in love (without LB) that you are worth more than this. Do not settle for the crumbs he throws you!!!!