Here is a good link too. It has articles on "The Simple Scoop on Boundaries" and "Picking Safe People" <p>http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm

I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

jante,
Please be patient with us while we get to know you a bit. This board has been really crazy lately... just the regular ups and downs of a community of real people I think.<p>My general, basic advice for you is to continue Plan A. There's lots of conflicting advice lately about the 180's. You will have to study the Harley's Plan A, and compare it to the 180's and decide what you think will best fit you and your situation. They are similar in a lot of ways. You don't want to go to Plan B until you have laid down a solid Plan A for several months, and your love bank gets low. <p>Have you identified your H's biggest EN's? In what ways are you trying to meet them? How has your plan A been? <p>Focus on yourself, and relax a little on expecting to see any major feedback from your H.<p>Have you considered calling Steve or Jennifer? Even one session with one of them and help you get on a clear plan of action, and you will feel better about what you are doing.<p>THis is quite a roller coaster ride, as you know, so hold on tight!

Hi Jante,<p>I would suggest you stay firm in your Plan A. You can't MAKE your H do anything, he is in his own affair-time-zone. <p>I'm sorry you find yourself here, altho, if you have to be in this mess, this IS the best place to find support and help, IMVHO. You really need to read SAA, I hope it arrives soon.<p>DO not become a door mat in your Plan A, be nice to your H and work on you. Change your behavior that helped contribute to the marriage discord and don't LB your H. <p>Those cufflinks are probably really bugging you, they would me too. I bet you fantasize about tossing them in the lieu, but don't do it. Just know that almost all affairs end and die a natural death, but on their own timeframe, you can't accelerate no matter what you do. And if you do try to sabbotage it, those type of actions almost always guarantee it will bring the OW and your H closer together. <GAG!><p>Just take care of you, work on you and sit back and observe. <p>Lv,
Jo

One other minor nit pick (and I may be the only person that feels this way) but I don't like to read very long first posts. Perhaps give us a nibble to get us interested. If I see that the first post is rather long, I often will skip it or scim it. I also don't like to read posts that don't have paragraphs or paragraphs that are too long.<p>Again, I may be the only one that feels that way, maybe not.<p>Posting a new topic with a specific issue would help. Please don't stoop to posting a racy title to get attention. I try to always ignore those posts (but again, I may be the only one. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

double post<p>[ March 07, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

Hi Jante Just wanted to say hi and im sorry you find yourself having to be here.
But you have found the best place to be at this time in your life.
I am also in England and it gets a bit odd with the time differance sometimes.
Please dont feel ignored, my last two posts only got two replys, it takes a while to get to know people.<p>Also the boards are very busy lately with lots of new members, i have been coming here since August and have found it sooo helpful.
I thought i was the only one going through all this when H could not decide what he wanted, so MB was a real eye opener and how i wished i had found it sooner.<p>My advice to you would be to plan A for now, and take care of you and your kids and just try to make the best you can of it when H visits, its hard when he is wearing things you know OW gave him, my H does that and i have a hard time to not LB.<p>Dont know where you are in England or if you want anyone to know that?? i am in Bristol Area.
Take care and hugs to you and your kids.
Liz

Jante,<p>See my post in prayers to Faith Hope Love. Trust God.<p>Faithwalk

Jante,
I don't have alot of advice that is any different than those that have been offered already.
I can however, suggest you do a search on lostva.
She plan A'd her butt off while her H was living with the OW so you may pick up a few pointers there.
I will research it for you and put a link to her success story post shortly.

Here's the link I was telling you about. Her story is about the 5th post down on the page.<p>
Lostva's story

Hmmm... I see you have received some GRRRREAT MB advice here. I'm sorry for your situation. Your husband sounds like he is very confused. Maybe call the Harley's for some phone counseling and for some quick answers? <p>In the meantime, you have A LOT of reading to do. I suspect that is the best way to get answers to your many, many questions as the answers are probably already on this website in the concepts, Q&A section and articles. Try that, plus keep starting NEW threads of your own. Be persistent. Don't become controversial, just be persistent--in your prayers and in your posting--try it and see what happens?<p>Prayer is very effective! Probably more effective than any advice you could receive from this board... God is right there with you, in you and knows your situation better than anyone out here in the world. He's only a prayer away!

Thanks folks- you really came in when I needed you !
Sorry if I made a nuisance of myself but being new here I wanted to talk and felt scared I wasn't getting anywhere. MY problem but thanks for responding you've certainly given me plenty to read and put into practice.
I'll be back with an update when I've absorbed it all. !! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi again, Jante.<p>It would REEEELLY help us if you placed a 6 line or less status signature on your profile info, Hon <p>You can go greater than 6 lines, it's just that some of the older MBer's (lol) have trouble reading more than six.<p>[LMAO! Ha ha Chris!]<p>Jo

Jante,<p>How are you doing? Looks like you have a lot of support here. Yep, they are giving you homework but all for a good cause. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep us posted. <p>L.

How do I do that about the profile??????????

Found out the answer - I can be thick at times!!

Well just a brief update- still plan A-ing like mad and seeing baby steps. Thanks for all your encouragement its kept me going. H. came over for the day yesterday and we took the boys out for dinner as its eldest sons b.day today. While at dinner we chatted a lot with much eye contact. He has agreed to take son to a footbal chaplains talk at our old church on Tues. To my knowledge first time near a church in a year. Also made a couple of comments that show he has been looking up details of the church group we belonged to together, on the internet.
He also said he would be interested in the job details I had found for a job in this town. At the moment he is working about 150 miles away so its difficult for him to see boys. On ther own these may not seem much but they are the first positive moves in a long time. Praise God He answers prayer. Jante

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just wanted you to know I'm following up on your thread. Great news! Keep moving forward and keep the faith!

Oh well three steps forward two steps back. Tonight he sent me an email to cancel visiting at all tomorrwe as he has to be at *am meeting the following day. Son upset and has emailed to say so. I just emailed a chatty reply saying how sorry I was but would look forward to seeing him on Sat. The email from him was much chattier than usual so still some improvemnt

Have just received my copy of SAA and read about 2/3rds this afternoon.
One thing still puzzles me. There is much made about breraking all contact with other woman. My H did that then chose to leave me(he was seeing another one by that time) finishes with 2nd but nowe lives away from me and has a new girlfriend. They have been together since Aug.2001. I at the moment am Plan Aing to best of ability but it just seems that he gets best of both worlds. When he sees the children he has me along to be chatty grown up company, cook meals etc. though there is no meeting of my en's Itry hard to meet all his.Then hgoes away and spends time(not sure if hes living with her or not) with his girlfriend who meets his en for sex,recreation,converstion etc. Do I keep this up for ever?
I feel so uncertain at the moment. D. is very much against my religion and I can't bring myself to even think of filing.I did try no contact with him in thye autumn- though as I hadn't found this site or book I didn't send a letter. It only lasted 2 wweeks as it was so difficult with the children. This is their home and they don't want to have to be away every weekend with their dad- they want him to be here and spend time in the background while they see there friends for part of the day.
I just find my whole situation so confusing at times. Help??
Jante