I posted before about having an affair with my husbands friend. i told him i couldnt do this anymore and he got really (pardon me) pissy with me saying that i was the one who started it etc etc. I am sure he was in it for the sex only because he more than once told me that we could never have a serious relationship, not that i would want one with him, but it still hurt alot. i was so angry with the way he treated me and thought i would be okay, knowing how he really is when told "no more". today was a different story, i answered the phone and it was him calling my husband for something. he was civil, almost nice to me, and those feeling of desire started in again. i wanted so to meet him again, it took all the strenth i had not just hang up the phone. i have been trying to do a little more to spice up my marriage, it is really pretty happy, he treats me well and is a wonderful father to our four kids. i dont know why i strayed away, i hope i find out soon so i can overcome the temptation. it is going to be hard since he is a "friend" of my husband. BryanP posted a response as to what kind of friend would have an affair with his friends wife? I wish i could tell my husband what he is like, but i am afraid of the consequences. Bryanp, if you are out there now, i really need some help now, i want to call him so bad, even though i know that is the wrong answer. i love my husband, why am i doing this? Help Please!! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Oh Confused,
What are we going to do? Let's be honest with the situation here. This younger OM has made it clear to you that he just wishes to use you as a sex partner since he told you he would never have a serious relationship with you. I think you deserve better than to be just his playtoy. I also think he sounds very selfish to me. He has got a lot of nerve to even call your husband about something and remaining friends with him. He is laughing at your husband and he is laughing at you.<p>I have a hunch that the sex you have been having with the OM has been tremendous because it seems you are willing to accept all of this pain and hurt in your marriage and your life for the desire for this OM.<p>You are correct confused that you must be honest with yourself and understand why you have strayed in your marriage and are willing to throw everything away on a younger man who made it clear he just wishes to use you.<p>There is of course one way to end this affair once and for all and you know what that is. You need to be honest with your husband, honest with your problems and honest with trying to salvage your marriage. I really think you are continuing to humiliate your husband by not telling him about you and especially your friend. He thinks the OM is his friend. If you really love and respect your husband you will tell him the truth and start the process of rebuilding. There are so many relationship retreats and other activities to try to better your marriage. Your husband would never do this to you because he loves you. You have previously stated that you love your husband. Confused if you really do then be honest with him and your affair and stop this madness that you are doing with your life. It will all end badly if this does not stop. Look into the mirror and ask not only who you are but who you wish to be. I am really pulling for you. You are better than all of this and deserve so much more in your life. I wish you luck and happiness.

One thing that you could do to make your situation better is to give the OM a no contact letter. Also tell him that you are going to tell your H about he affair. With that I am sure that you will never see him again.<p>Having no contact will help you get beyond the affair much quicker.<p>Just a thought.

Bump Up!

bryanp, what does bump up mean?

Hi confused.<p>Bryanp's bump up is a way of pushing your thread to the top of the page in the hope that more people will reply to it.<p>Confused what was it that made it feel so good beign with him? the sex? the adoration? the tenderness? when compared with your intimacy with your husband.<p>I ask because there might be a possibility to help your husband become the lover this guy was for you.<p>God bless.<p>Joe

joe
i think it was the adoration. sex with a 23 year inexperienced man vs. a 40 year old, well my husband is a much better lover. This OM just said things to make me feel good about how i looked. My husband does too, but not in the same way. He is a good man, dont get me wrong, that is why i dont know why i strayed. some say maybe my marriage became stale and i was looking for the exitment of "new love". i admit, it felt so good, and now after he doenst want to continue the relationship (nor do i, i think) i find myself trying to cuddle with my husband more, but most times i bury my head in his chest and the tears come. mostly out of guilt. our marriage is not unhappy, we fight occassionly but in general, we are happy. this is the most difficult thing i have ever endured. i most certainly hope god will forgive me. thank you, but still offer your advise

Confused I am a divorced BS 44 year old man. I divorced my wife not so much because she slept with other men but because she had become an uncaring mother and a very unpleasant person overall to live with. I could have forgiven her for her affairs but what I found difficult to deal with was the constant hell our home had become with her bitterness. Every day she would be emotionally and verbally abusive by yelling and cussing at our daughters and throwing things around when she became very angry.
This behavior of hers I beleive could have been in part because of her affairs and OMs not beign the solution to her unhappiness.<p>So you see, not all men dump their wives because they had an affair. Your husband just may be one of us but you will never know unless you tell him the whole truth. Not all men have fragile egos you know.<p>God bless you and your family.<p>Joe<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

thank you Joe, i honestly believe if i came clean with my husband he would be totally devastated, but i dont think he would leave me. I am in counseling now, my therapist has given me lots of hope for my future with my husband, also alot of options i have to think about. she doesnt recommend telling my husband , right now anyway, i am really trying to put back into my marriage what i think has been missing for so long. we have been taking each other for granted for some time now. busy with work, `the kids.etc... this is no excuse i know. i miss the little things he did when we met, telling me i am beautiful (?) , things like that. well my counselor asked me if i did the same to him, you know compliments etc, i had to be honest, i dont. So today was a new beginning...please pray for me.... i saw the OM yesterday, i know he saw me so i turned my cell phone off so i wouldnt be tempted to answer if he did call. i hope this is a sign i am getting stronger. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

confused,<p>If OM starts to feel rejected by you he may want to retaliate the hurt and conspire to have your H find out you were having an affair.<p>If your H finds out from anyone other than you, it will be 100x harder to repair. <p>The truth always comes out.

[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

this is where i get confused. the OM told me that it would be best not to see each other anymore, he said she thinks alot of my husband etc. he is being unfaithful too, he has a girlfriend living with him and he is afraid she will find out too. so i dont know what to believe. i didnt mention he had a girlfriend in my previous post. they have alot of problems going on,, fighting etc. if i could go back 3 months...

I see you are hurt and confused and torn by this secret. If you get it out - there is nothing else to hide, there is nothing else to worry about. Basically you are free from the burden of this secret. It will also take away the power and pull of an affair - it exposes you to reality and the affair no longer controls your mind. The "dream" of what it was like with him will be squashed by your H pain and you will be consumed with thoughts of how you can make it up to him.

Confused,<p>The person that might tell is the girl friend. That is the problem with not telling, you never know. But, the bigger problem is coming Confused.<p>What is that bigger problem??? It is simple and it has already started. In your post you mentioned that your counselor has encouraged you to start to see your H as you used to. Tell him you love him, look in his eyes, etc.<p>As you do this two things will happen. You will start to really fall in love with him again, and he will fall in love with you again. In many ways it will seem deeper, BUT there is a problem and you will begin to feel it soon. GUILT. <p>The closer you get the more the guilt will bother you. The normal and natural reaction is to move away from it but that means moving away from your H. For if you keep getting closer the guilt becomes stronger. Now you can stay close, but then you must build walls to protect yourself and of course to keep from spilling the beans to your H.<p>The result is that you push your H away AND you feel terrible guilt.<p>It is recommended here that you tell your H about the affair, not so much to atone for what you have done, nor to hurt you, but to give your H a chance at a happy and deep marriage. He will have options: leave or stay. This choice will be followed by: stay in resentment or work on a better marriage. Since you want a better marriage and are starting to address your issues, the chances weigh heavily on his staying and working.<p>But, the issue here is the walls and the guilt. You cannot in all likelyhood get close to him without both and that means he will be pushed away.<p>Telling him is like lancing a boil, it hurts, it is ugly, but it begins the healing. Please think about this. If you do decide to tell your H, make use of your counselor to construct a way to do it in the positive light and in a way where both of you can get some help dealing with this.<p>Confused, I believe I recommended before, but I will again. Go into the archives and search for "Jill's" posts. She, as well as many others here, faced the same issues. She worried about it for over a year, the affair was long dead but it eat her up. She finally told and her marriage which was declining continually has been restored.<p>These are hard decisions, but my take on these things, when in doubt, be honest. You will be proud of yourself and your H will very likely end up being proud of you as well.<p>Please think about this.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

confused<p>I agree with the others: no contact letter to OM, tell OM you are going to confess to your husband and, most importantly, tell your husband. I strongly disagree with your counselor (but I am not a professional). I am BS to an A that my wife had with my best friend. I lost the purity of my marriage and my best buddy in one whack. Your husband will want to crawl in a hole and die. But, you have to tell him for your sake and his. In my opinion, there is no other way. My prayers are with you.<p>hg

Dear Confused,<p>As a WS I to contemplated telling my husband for several months. My story is extremely complicated and I have yet to have the courage to post it on this board...hopefully soon. My D-day was 10/30/01 (five days after our 4th wedding anniversary) and D-day #2 was 01/31/02. As you can see I strayed again. I tried to forget the affair but it was eating me up inside, not to mention the younger OM was threatening to tell my H. I think he hoped my H would leave me and I would go running to him. Both times my H saw past all the pain I caused and chose to work on our M. I thought he would leave me after the first D-day let alone after the second. I agree with everyone posting. Even though my H initially told me he wished I never told him of the A (even though he suspected for months), it has allowed us to make our M better. MB's has give us so much hope of recapturing what we lost. Stay tuned for my story...Young and Restless look out!!! Fight the withdrawly symptons no matter how hard it is. I am exactly 4 weeks R since second D-day. OM called and told my H this time around. Even though I was extremely angry at OM for doing this I find myself thinking about him again. Just be strong and don't give in to temptation. I come here when I feel weak and leave feeling so much stronger. If you need to talk more feel free to e-mail me at brianna_38@hotmail.com<p>Good Luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]