I need some help on my road to recovery. My WS (Wife)is becoming more and more distant. Ofcourse this was predicted by Jennifer H. during my counseling session (hats off to her) but I dont know how to react. So far I have been hands off. I do not want to promote any arguing, so I have been letting it go but damn I want to know what is going on. After 2 1/2 months I can feel the love bank being tugged on a little bit, especially with the cold shoulder routine. But it is not mean spirited, she is cordial. How can she not be when I am in the middle on an impeccable Plan A. She has told me some things, first she says "she wants to want to" in regard to us fixing the marriage. She also keeps telling me that she has to go through the "process" but she has not told me she even knows what it is. She has seen a counselor a couple of times in the beginning but has since quit going. She is taking advantage of me by having me watch our 3 kids while she "goes to work" on the weekends. I think if I knew the truth it would be better than the speculation that is going through my head. All right what is my point. Should I try and talk to her? Do I bring it up? She told me she feels very anxious whenever I try and talk to her about anything. What is she going through? How do I know she is going through anything? Does it do any good for her to fight through the anxiety to tell me anything or is that an LB for her. At any rate it is pissing me off and I start reading about the mis-application of plan A, but I got those 3 babies. I got to stay close. I am trapped. I got to post here because when I talk to anybody on the "outside" they think she is mental. That nobody would give up all that. You guys understand. This would be a lot easier if I did not love her so much. Is that the secret to those of you that have been holding on for over 6 months? You just dont care as much anymore? Your strength is incredible to me. Anyway, what do you think about me approaching her, should I let it lie? Is part of the "process" for her coming clean with me? I got to go, thanks for the vent, I feel much better, and any help is appreciated.<p>Hopeto someday

Hi Hopeto,<p>Where are you at? Plan A headed towards B? Remember the purpose of plan A vs plan B. <p>If she is taking undue advantage of you are her interests really for her family? Her working is really working? <p>Maybe not questioning her actions but let her know that you are hurt by her non feeling. <p>Are you aware of the cakeman/cakewoman concept? Have you read the book 'love must be tough' by James Dobson? It might give you more insight to this A confusing disorder. <p>L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>This would be a lot easier if I did not love her so much. Is that the secret to those of you that have been holding on for over 6 months? You just dont care as much anymore? Your strength
is incredible to me. Anyway, what do you think about me approaching her, should I let it lie? <hr></blockquote><p> Hopeto,<p> I only want to say a few things about this part of your post.

No, those of us holding on for more than 6 months has little to do with us not caring as much as we used to. I know that is not the case for myself. <p> All I can tell you is the need to know certian things sort of wanes. Or rather, the need to know versus the heartache of trying to find out, the LBers that occur on both sides. Really, when you figure out that your need to know something is, quite possibly, THE cause of your relationship not being able to move forward. Well, at that point, knowing, no longer matters as much and you can begin to let go of that need.<p> Speaking only for myself, I care as much as the day I decided to try to save my marriage. That will be one year on March 12th. However, I am also coming to the realization that this will have to end soon. I don't love my wife less. But actually being in Plan A is starting to help me know that;

• 1 I will survive if marriage ends.
• 2 I am a better person than I was before Plan A
• 3 I am not a doormat, although this is very hard to see at times
• 4 That Plan A is not about getting my wife back, it is everything about myself

<p> I would wager that many will tell you they still have much love and care for their WS.<p> jd<p>PS. Just wanted to add. There have been many, many times I have wished and even prayed that I could care less. That would have made this SOOOOO much easier. Just end everything and move on. But, I feel that in the end I WILL be a much better jd because of all this.<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

OK I like it, you know you guys really make me think. I danced around the issue, the issue is do I tell her how I feel. And if I do to what purpose? <p>OK change of subject, she has metioned that she would like to move out. She needs time to think. The longer I am in to this the more I see this as a necessary step. Do you agree? If that is the case then I want to help her do that. I want to have the attitude that this is a step in the right direction for us, not one that will eventually rip us apart. I think she is putting the ball in my court by her actions. It is something she wants but she knows how much it will hurt me so the alternative is to ignore the urge. Ignoring that makes her turn on me a little bit. Maybe she thinks if I get to where she's at then we will both agree its the right thing. Since the ball is in my court, I can suck it up and make her make the decision. I believe she will stay a couple more months. That will put us near my projected plan B date. So is it better to plan B at the time she moves out? A double whammy! Or do I initiate a seperation now and plan B later? Man this sucks. <p>One of our biggest hangups is the kids. They are 7,4,and 1. how can i find out about joint physical custody solutions. We cant seem to agree on this and it is one of the reasons we have not seperated yet. I should probably make this a seperate post.<p>
Hopeto