I have always considered myself to be a very patient person, but lately I'm struggling with my desire to get out of limbo and move forward with my life. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm in a position to move forward, and I might not be for weeks, or even months.<p>After 6 months of limbo, and very little contact with WW, I've been her best friend for the past few weeks since her suicide attempt. I have made no mention of a reconciliation or a divorce between us, but I ask questions about how she's feeling, how her job search is going, and I have made attempts to plan some platonic activities together. I never bring up OM or their relationship, but she has a few times, and I have demonstrated that I will listen and support her without judging or advising. My mantra has been one of the Plan A principles-- be a safe place for her.<p>For the first 2 weeks after her suicide attempt, I felt really good about the way I was helping her. She was clearly in bad shape emotionally, but I felt her reaching out to me. She initiated contact with me several times during those weeks, and she offered ideas for things we could do together (we did go to a movie and dinner-- her ideas). She opened up to me in conversation, cried to me, and told me that it made her feel better. Of course, I felt good about this.<p>For the past week and a half or so, I feel a lot less effective. She doesn't initiate contact anymore, and more than once it has taken her 2 days to return a phone call. She seems much less eager to do anything with me in person; she won't offer ideas of her own, and she's lukewarm at best to any of my suggestions. She said she'd have lunch with me this week, but that she'd get back to me and let me know which day is best. Somehow I don't think it's going to happen. Also, she sounds a little less depressed and seems to have no need to vent or cry to me right now. Perhaps her antidepressants are kicking in (she's been on them for about 2.5 weeks now).<p>I'm starting to feel like I'm pursuing her again. That was one of my big mistakes over the past few years, and I don't want to do it again. Besides, it's hard to respect myself when I'm reaching out and being rejected by someone who really doesn't even deserve my friendship. It's difficult for me to find the balance between giving her space and being there for her.<p>Even though she seemed less depressed when we last spoke, I highly doubt she's all better-- this is the woman who tried to take her own life less than a month ago! I know she's riding a rollercoaster, and I'm sure there will be more low points. That's why I'm still trying to be patient. I'd like to try to catch her when she falls. Man, is it hard to hang in here when I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing but keeping myself in limbo. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>On a positive note (these are SO important to me), I'm still taking good care of myself. I visited a bunch of old college friends over the weekend that I hadn't seen in years! We had a blast! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for letting me vent my frustration. If anyone has advice and/or encouragement, I'd really appreciate it.<p>Have a good day!
BP

B_P,<p>If she is on anti-D's, and seems to be functioning well, then she doesn't need your help. More importantly she doesn't feel she needs your help. So my recommendation is to return to your regularly scheduled programing. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You were filing for divorce and I think that you have helped her through her crisis, so it is time to continue with that process.<p>Frankly, your W needs considerable help and only a true and very good professional can do that. She won't seek it. As evidenced by her 3 affairs, she won't have trouble finding a replacement for OM when he dumps her. Finally, you have no children.<p>B_P it is time to live up to your name. You have been there when she needed you. Yes, she probably still does need you, but she is moving on with her life. You move on with your life now.<p>Oh, and B_P make it a great life will you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL, thanks for your candid advice. You have a way of putting things in perspective and helping me see them more clearly. I still think I may be patient just a little longer, and then I will get back to the divorce process as you suggest. I'm still not completely convinced that she is over her crisis, or that she really is functioning well. I think there's a very real possibility that she's putting on a good act and/or she's just at one of the rollercoaster's high points.<p>Anyway, I did speak to my lawyer this morning. We talked some about divorce mediation, and I wasn't surprised that he seemed against it. However, he thinks (and I agree) that my case is very straightforward since there are no children, we've already divided our savings and belongings, and we are on friendly speaking terms. He says the only debatable issues are home equity and retirement benefits, and we might very well be able to agree on those issues ourselves without a mediator. I will consider his advice.<p>I had a pleasant surprise this afternoon-- W called and said she checked her schedule and wants to meet for lunch on Friday. I will meet her for lunch, and continue to be her friend the way I have for the past 3 weeks-- I'll do a lot of listening, offer support and empathy when appropriate, and maybe try to get her to laugh a few times. I don't think I'll directly mention divorce, but I might try to get a feel for how ready she might be to handle the situation.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Oh, and B_P make it a great life will you. <hr></blockquote><p>Thanks, JL. Actually it already is a great life! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] The past year hasn't been easy, but it has been a learning experience. And no amount of pain can ever take away the many things that I'm thankful for.<p>Speaking of things I'm thankful for, this forum has been a huge help to me over the past 6 months when I've lurked, and especially during the past several weeks when I've been posting. Thanks to all!

B_P,<p>Please don't misunderstand one thing. If I were running the world, you would up happily married to a woman that loved you dearly and that woman would be your current W. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It may happen, and I fully support (not that you need it) you continuing on.<p>My point is that when you are ready and if things don't progess, you need to realize it and move on. In many ways you are somewhat unique here in that you have gotten your mind straight about many things. <p>My recommendation is not to lose the things you have figured out and straightened out chasing something that is making you unhappy. If it pleases you to continue to try you should by all means.<p>One never knows what will happen, but one cannot usually make it happen by themselves, especially if has to do with love and another person.<p>How is that for side stepping the issue???? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Seriously, you control your destiny now, just don't forget it.<p>Good luck with Fri.<p>God Bless,<p>JL