Those of you on the board know my situation: Met a woman via a work project six months ago. I told her how I felt about her, she guarded her heart, eventually told me that she likes me, too. Never any sexual touching at all. I have held her hand, kissed her twice, stroked her hair, touched her cheek. I wear my heart on my sleeve -- more of an artist. She is more logical -- and gets her strokes at work where she is admired by all. She is the tops in her field.<p>My question is this: Is it wrong to be friends. She calls me on her way home from work and we talk 15 minutes or so. My wife knows she calls me, and knows we talk about the project. She does not know about my feelings towards her. Her husband, I believe, is not aware of the calls.<p>I ask because we are never going to have a physical relationship. And this woman is in such control of her heart that she will never fall in love with me. I have told her that having sex is not my goal. i dont want that at all, nor does she.<p>So is it wrong to just keep things where they are?

Oh how you are in denial! My OM would never fall in love either. He would never get involved with another woman outside of his marriage and if he did it would be a sexual thing and he would never fall in love. Actually, he made me promise to never fall in love with him. It just couldn't be that way. Oh, he was so in control and older so he was wiser, right? Guess what? He said I love you first! He told me he was "in love" with me. HE did! Wake up my friend and see that you are headed down an unclear road that could lead anywhere and if you don't turn off onto a familiar one you just might crash right into something you don't want to. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but you are not facing reality here. You keep asking the same question, but worded different, and even though you get the same answer all around from many others, you refuse to see it. Dream all you want that this will just be a friendship, but if that were so true why does she hide it from her husband? If anything, she is lieing to herself as well. The calls on the way home, they aren't as innocent as they seem and only time will prove that to you. Good luck my friend, but I think you are in dangerous waters. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Yes. If you have to ask the question... I think you really know the answer... ESPECIALLY because I doubt you would feel comfortable telling your wife about your 'feelings' for this woman... you keep it secret and are creating a wall between you and your wife. <p>Ask yourself how your wife would react to this post... how would she react to the kisses and the touching??? My H tells me that his relationship w/ OW was not about sex... that DID NOT make me feel better... 'cause I didn't think OUR relationship was about sex and I DON'T WANT TO SHARE THE INTIMATE part of him w/ anyone... and I don't mean INTIMATE = SEX... I mean his deepest thoughts and feelings...<p>Cali

In a nutshell, YES! <p>You KNOW this too. I know you do. This is a very dangerous situation. There is only one way to keep your marriage in tact and that is to keep your mind on your wife and not this fantasy.<p>There is NO ROOM whatsoever for this other person in your life. You are playing with fire.<p>PLEASE, get yourself together.<p>From what I remember, this woman is really not that "accepting" of your thoughts and/or advances. And yes they are advances on your part ~ no matter how subtle.<p>DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR WIFE? You said you don't. Remember that. There is no room for 3 people in your marriage.<p>AND you are fooling yourself if you think this is a "friendship" only. There's no room for even this friendship (it's more than that and you know this).

That's exactly how most of our husbands started their affairs - supposedly just being friends. Oh, just hearing those words makes me boil!!! Friends do not hold hands and they do not kiss. You are definitely playing with fire and I think you know it. Of course, her husband isn't aware of the calls.<p>How would you feel if your wife were doing these actions with another man? <p>Why don't you invest as much time and attention into your marriage as you are into this relationship? Also you might want to go to Oprah.com and watch the after the show program with Dr. Phil.

Is it wrong - yes. Why? Well, for a lot of reasons. Your wife may know of the calls, but she does not know the extent of your feelings for this woman. I doubt she knows that you have kissed her twice, held her hand and stroked her hair.<p>My advice to you is to do some serious soul searching. <p>Denial and addiction are power emotions.

mm-<p>You are already having an affair. <p>No need to ask any further questions. You are no longer friends with this woman. You need to end all contact with her. Period. You need to tell your wife so the TWO of you can make sure this does not happen again and that it does not continue.<p>Be thankful that nothing else has occured. Your wife and your marriage are likely to get over this issue in time.<p>A year ago, would you have thought you would be doing this with another woman? If not, then you cannot be sure of what you will be doing with her a year from now (e.g. sexual contact).

Excellent posts to my question, and they do make me think. I will try and answer a couple of the questions asked.<p>During the time I have known this woman, she has not embraced my advances, if that's what you want to call them, but she has never told me to stop. This all began in August. I told her I sensed a vulnerability about her, that I understood her, etc. Now, she tells me that I know her better than most anyone, that I am there for her and she is glad I am in her life.<p>But it is not about sex, and never will be. I have turned down opportunites to have sexual affairs -- sex with no strings attached. I have no interest in that. Sex for the sake of sex is overrated. I know you might find it hard to believe that coming from a man, but that is how I feel.<p>My conversations with this woman are about how our day's have gone. I tell her I admire what she does, that I see the unseen things that others do not notice. I totally believe in the goodness of her heart, soul and mind.<p>The reason that I dont think I am playing with fire is because this woman is totally in control of her emotions. She is simply not the kind to be all passionate with her feelings towards me. She is cautious, wounded a bit from the men in her life, including her husband. She does not trust because her heart has been hurt in the past. This is a very sucessful woman, by the way, with great self esteem. What I believe I offer her is a man who sees her and loves her unconditionally, no strings attached.<p>If I have no desire for a sexual affair and she does not either, sex will not be an issue<p>And if she is in such control of heart, then it will not spark into some wild love affair. She is more like a man in the sense that she is in great control of her feelings. <p>She does not speak of what is in her heart, the way I do. A woman did email me, though, and say that her allowing me to stroke her hair and touch her face is very intimate, actions that speak louder than words.<p>But I believe that both of us are in control here. That we can be friends at this level.<p>Tell me where it could go wrrong?<p>I don't see it

Wrong because you don't look at her as a friend, AND you will cause hurt to your wife... whom you should protect and love.

But I do love and protect my wife

and you won't till you get burned...<p>I am betting that many WSs said and thought the same things...<p>...my own H wrote in his journal that the problem w/ both OW and I was the he 'let' his feelings get involved...<p>...see right now you don't know what will 'push' you to the next level... it could be anything... but there is usually something that makes WSs 'snap' say 'F'it and I need to be with this person... and off they go... <p>...and I will forever remember him almost weeping "I want to be with her..." to me... not a pleasant memory... <p>
Cali

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>Tell me where it could go wrrong?<p>I don't see it</strong><hr></blockquote><p>No dude. You WON'T see it. You've been posting the same stuff over and over since Feb. 16. I don't think reposting is going to get you the answers you want to hear. Cool it with this woman and spend your passionate energy on your wife. 'nuff said.<p>NL4M

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you are living in a dream world. You are having an emotional affair which YES does betray your wife. If this woman were so wonderful, she wouldn't be sending you mixed signals. That's exactly what my former best friend did. These mixed signals which started as 'just trying to be friends' with my husband led to a major emotional affair which eventually turned physical. It destroyed my trust in both my H and friends in general, almost led to the end of my husband's business and caused us to separate for almost a year. <p>If you asked him if it was worth it....he'd give you a definite no. He was convinced he loved her, she was a GOOD LISTENER, etc. Well guess what? She had only been married 6 months at the time (to husband #2 who she slept with while married to husband #1). She never did admit the truth to me, and said she was being prosecuted for doing NOTHING wrong. It seems that when you're in the 'fog' of an affair, you can justify anything.<p>If you want to destroy 2 marriages, keep up this relationship. Otherwise honor your marriage vows. You can't have both. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

NO! You are not protecting your wife, because if you were you would not for one milisecond take any sort of minute chance of subjecting her to the sort of pains you see expressed here. Urgh!!! Quit hiding in shadows and trying to justify things you know in your heart are wrong. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Denial is a powerful emotion....<p>"She is cautious, wounded a bit from the men in her life, including her husband. What I believe I offer her is a man who sees her and loves her unconditionally, no strings attached".<p>So, you love her unconditionally; but want to be friends - at any level?<p>How would your wife react knowing that you love another woman unconditionally???

So how are you protecting her? Be honest!<p>Please answer this... how would you react if this entire time that you have been thinking of this other person that you realize your wife is involved with someone else?

But I believe that both of us are in control here. That we can be friends at this level.<p>Tell me where it could go wrrong?<p>Do you HONESTLY think what you are doing is behaving as a friend?<p>OK, if you do, I want you to go and kiss your male friends. I want you to hold their hands, to caress their hair. You are NOT acting in an appropriate manner for a friendship. You cannot possibly say what this woman will want a month down the road. Sex need not be an issue for an affair to have taken place. The simply fact that the two of you are meeting emotional needs to should be met by a spouse is all the indication you need to know that you are having an EA (an emotional affair). To many woman, it is more painful to know that their husband is having an EA than if their husband had a one-night stand.<p>You know your wife would not be happy with this, otherwise you would have already told her. You KNOW this is inappropriate behavior. You are addicted, the same as any other person in an affair. You know you are doing wrong but you continue to do it anyway. You are in denial. The simple fact that you are keeping it SECRET demonstrates that is wrong and that you know it.<p>I am not going to mince words on this issue with you. If you love and respect your wife, you know what you have to do. We don't have to tell. You knew it was wrong when you posted it. You knew it was wrong when you replied and tried to justify it based on the fact that it was not sexual.<p>You are having an affair. Do you have the courage to admit it to yourself?<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The reason that I dont think I am playing with fire is because this woman is totally in control of her emotions. <hr></blockquote><p>MM, no one is totally in control of their emotions 100% of the time. What will happen if she has a traumatic experience (huge fight with her H, death of a loved one, etc.) and turns to you for support? Many affairs progress this way, even among those who ever thought they would have an affair in a million years.<p>I haven't posted to you before, but I have read your thread with interest. Everyone is advising you to stop what you're doing, but you still continue to look for validation. OK, here you go:<p>Your friendship with this woman is perfectly OK, and not a threat to either of your marriages at all. As long as...<p>1. You tell your W everything you have written on this forum about your friendship with the OW, and your W is OK with it.
2. The OW tells her H everything about your friendship and he is also OK with it.
3. Neither of you ever hide anything about your friendship from either of your spouses again.<p>Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

AND, it's not HER responsibility to control a potential affair ~ whether emotional or physical.<p>YOU are responsible for your behavior. She is not. Do not put this on her. <p>I believe that you continue to give us excuses about why this is NOT wrong in an effort to justify your actions to yourself. Call me crazy but that's what I see.<p>If you KNOW this is not wrong, why are you here?<p>THINK THINK THINK. It will NOT be worth it.

Again, excellent posts and they do make me think. Please keep up the posts because it is a great way for me to think about all the ramifications - real or not.<p>I was thinking about this during my lunch hour -- I only talk with this woman once a day. I see her maybe every couple weeks. It's not like we are working in the same office, or we get together after work for a drink that leads to something else.<p>Let me be a devils advocate here, too. Let's say that I wanted a full-blown physical affair. It simply would not happen because this woman works such long hours that she has no free time. She can't sneak out in the afternoon to meet at a hotel. She can't start working late. So there are natural barriers to a physical affair. Not that I seek that, but I am just letting you know some of the realities of the situation.<p>In many ways it is more like an internet friend, except we are in the same city and we can talk on the phone.<p>I guess my definition of an affair is more sexual, although I have read the MB book and see that I may have built up love units with this woman. I know she has with me.<p>But it seems that we are both being clear headed about many aspects of this. She is NOT constantly telling me that she loves me. She tells me that she is glad I am in life, that I know how she thinks. <p>My wife does know that I talk with this woman and that I am getting to know her life for this project. No, she does not know what I have told her. This woman's husband knows I know his wife.<p>Part of the issue for me has been that since she is in such control of her emotions, I feel more at ease in letting go of mine, knowing that she has the ability to not fall in love with me.<p>I am not a dumb man -- well, some of you may think so!! -- but I have had chances for affairs. A woman I work with has approached me twice and I have not been interested. It is not what I seek.<p>What I have here is a very good friendship. One of the heart.<p>Is that so wrong?<p>And why can't I have that with my wife, too?<p>Love is not a limited thing