<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>OK, I will call it a love affair. But I don't see her emotions involved. She never, or rather, rarely tells me what she is thinking about all this. She is quite even-keeled about it all. I am the one leading with me heart, and she is not. Much more in control</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Ugh! What utter nonsense. You are in love with another woman. That OW is allowing you to express your feelings for her - inappropriate feelings. You are having an affair. She is as well. No matter how you try to rationalize it, it is an affair. I don't care if you only see each other once a year and then only hold hands and swap valentine cards. It is an affair. You have dozens of people, that KNOW what an affair is, that you are having one yet you continue to argue otherwise.<p>Good grief man, you KNOW that this is wrong. You know your wife would not approve. I am done wasting my time trying to help you.<p>
Some kids simply don't believe the stove is hot until the burn their hands on it.

Could this woman being toying with me? Maybe. But I don't think so. I truly believe she guards her heart because it has been hurt. Her father hit her mother as a child and loved his kids based on their achievements. Her husband has struck her several times over the last five years and has yelled at her. She is an incredibly sucesful professional woman.<p>But I believe that she does not need the kind of emotional strokes that we need. Twice she has told me she loved me. She said that feelings are hard for her to express.<p>My point is that it was ME who brought all the love stuff to the table and I can control MY feelings toward hers. And she can clearly control HER feelings. She is not the one loosing control, it was me.<p>Yes, I have read the books and believe that early on I may have been in an EA. The woman had a bunch of Love Units built up with me. I dont know if I had many with her. She did let me hold hands, etc. She did give me a valanetines day card. But she is simply not emotional and passionate in that sense.<p>So, if I back off and I am control of my feelings, I believe I can be friends. I dont want to go to bed with her, and it is clear that she is in control enough of her heart to not "fall in love" with me.<p>So where is the danger?<p>And by the way, I really appreciate all these posts and aswners.<p>thanks

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>So far no one has answered my one question: If it was me who led with the heart and I now back off, why can't this remain a friendship?<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>Instead of asking strangers on the internet how to justify your little emotional affair, why not show this thread to your WIFE and ask her if she minds your having a "friendship" with a married woman whom you have kissed? And to whom you are attracted to? Since this directly impacts her life, she should be the one who answers your question. <p>And if you two are truly just "friends" then there is no reason that your wife cannot be in on this "friendship" with full knowledge of what has transpired. Same for her husband. You can all just be "friends."

Dear MM,<p>I have been the ultimate lurker for months, but this one really got me. I am a WSx2...I married OM#1....he turned out to be verbally and physically abusive and I am trying to decide what to do as I sit here...but enough about that. In July, while my husband was out of town, I asked a co-worker to go have a drink with me. We had worked on projects, he was interested in moving to my city and the house next door was for sale, so we basically just had a "friendly" relationship. Anyway, he agreed to go for a drink. I had NOOOOOOOO romantic inclinations toward this man, and my heart was cast iron. <p>Next thing I know, he's telling me he's had this crush on me for 6 months....heart on the table. I sat there and didn't know what to say. But, I was flattered...he's 32, me 42 and he's unbelievable looking. I really didn't say anything. Heart guarded.<p>Fast forward 6 weeks later...EA goes PA....fast forward 6 more weeks...my H finds out. Things cool til after new year...fast forward to today. My heart is out there, his is guarded...a mess lies all around.<p>MM, the bottom line is...you are kidding yourself. What if she wakes up one day and realizes she cares about you? What WILL you do. My guess is you won't walk away. I didn't. Be careful for everyone's sake. Been there dun that...twice. I know where you are coming from, but it really won't work. Hearts don't stay guarded forever.<p>A

Do you love your wife? If you did, you wouldn't be putting your marriage in danger like this.

Dear Amarkham:
You are right about hearts not being guarded forever. When I met this woman, I was not looking for anything, but I really liked her. I wear my heart on my sleeve -- but I dont go looking for affairs, sexual or emotional.<p>But this woman guards her heart like it is fort knox. We have known each other six months. And for the first four I told her all the time how I felt: Left private voice messages for her, wrote her a letter, talked with her when she was out of town, or I was; had dinner with her, etc. <p>She NEVER weakened and said "Oh, I love you, too" You make me feel so good. She never told me to stop, but she never encouraged either. During that time I did hold her hand, stroke hair, etc. I told her that I realized a part of her that she kept hidden from the world, and I sensed it<p>My point is that after all that she emerged a bit -- cautiously. But I realized she was only going to go so far.<p>My point, a point that I am not making well I think -- is that because she will share only a bit of her heart, that precludes it from developing into a full blown EA affair.<p>My feelings have waned as it became clear that she was not going to share more of her heart with me. And now we seem to be settling into a place where we can be friends.<p>I am not hiding her from wife. I am sure that we will do things as a couple. And it will be clear that we are friends because whe have shared work on this project.<p>I guess my point is this: Earlier on I came on very heavy, telling her how I felt. She resisted and I learned what she wanted and did not want. Now I am fine with that. If she did not weaken then, she will not weaken as I pull back.<p>This woman is in total control of her emotions

I guess you think your need for this woman is so much more important than your marriage. Why don't you tell your wife - ask if it's okay with her? You are playing with fire and those who play with fire usually get burned. Go ahead and take that chance - your wife deserves better

I don't think it is an either or question. I love my wife. I care for this other woman as a friend.

mm,<p>you can call it a baloney sandwich or you can call it an EA, it makes no difference because the problem is still there. It doesn't matter that she doesn't return your "I love you's." What matters is that you a married man who is INAPPROPRIATELY pursuing a married woman. Your actions with her are INAPPROPRIATE and are placing your marriage in peril. <p>And if you would bring your wife into contact with this woman as a "friend" in total ignorance of what has transpired, I would greatly question your decency and committment to your wife. It would be an enormous betrayal to bring your wife around this woman not knowing what has transpired and not knowing your feelings for this woman. How shabby.<p>If you care anything about your wife and your marriage, you need to come clean with your wife and stay away from this other woman. Quit trying to justify the unjustifiable with silly rationalizations.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>I don't think it is an either or question. I love my wife. I care for this other woman as a friend.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>But you aren't "friends."

So we get it, shes a cold fish. Doesnt sound too attractive for an affair or a friendship to me, sounds rather one sided, you doing serious persuing of this cold woman who gives you a crumb of returned affection. What do you get out of it? Do you wnat to be the knight in shining armour that melts her cold heart? If you could do that it would really be an ego boost wouldnt it? It already feeds your ego that she is so cold, yet you got her to tell you she loves you, that she spends her precious workahalic time with you sometimes.<p>I think you are doing all the persuing, so she doesnt have to , but if you tried to end the relationship I would bet that she would find a way to continue it. You are both getting something out of it, and dont want to stop. You are being very selfish to want to continue somthing that would devestate your wife. You are driving a wedge between you and your wife by feeding your feelings for another woman and by lieing by ommission to your wife. It will affeect your marrige adversly. You may never know it untill one day your wife has an affair or just walks out, tired of the emotional distance between you.

Am I the only one who is starting to see that we are wasting our time talking to this fellow? <p>The old saying, "none are so blind than those who REFUSE to see" comes to mind.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>I can guarantee that this woman will never let her guard down in that way. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>There you are again... putting ALLLLL the responsibility of this on her.<p>WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF!?<p>You are asking all these what ifs. There are a few you are missing!<p>What if your wife finds out?
What if she leaves you?
What if you hurt her?
What if OW takes you for a ride?<p>Quit making excuses.

I agree MelodyLane. I made my one post and I have nothing further to say. It's a useless cause.

MM, you continue to change your story. And you continue to make excuses and unrealistic reasoning about why you can pursue this woman.<p>Let me remind you of this first post. The answers to all your questions are in here. You wrote 'em. I am convinced that there is nothing anyone can say on here that would make a difference in your decision. I sincerely hope that you do not pursue this "friendship" because I know in my heart of hearts that if you do, you are headed for some very serious trouble. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I stumbled upon this board and have been coming here reading, looking for help. My situation is as follows, and I am looking for advice from both men and women.
I am in my mid 40s, married for more than 20 years and happy. Health is good, good job, quite content with my life. I had one brief affair years ago with an old girlfriend. That lasted a couple months and it ended and that was the end of that. I am not the kind of guy who goes out looking for affairs, have have turned down two outright propositions over the last couple years.<p>Five months ago my company assigned me to work on a project with a company that had hired us. My job was to move out of the main office and into a private office where I worked totally alone. I had to meet with a woman from this other company. I liked her right away at the first meeting. The second meeting, I sensed something about her. The third meeting, I told her how I felt. <p>She is a high-level professional in a male dominated field. Guards her heart extremely closing. I told her over the last six months that I lover her, soul mates, all that kind of stuff. Left voice mails for her to check. The woman closely guards her heart, told me that she has a hard time with feelings.<p>To make a long story short, she has told me she loves me -- a few times, glad I am in her life. But I am very open with my feelings. Her actions have confused me, and I need help for women in understanding what this means. I have no desire to go to bed with her. This is not sexual, and I have told her that. I have held her hand, stroked her hair, touched her cheek, held her in my arms and kissed her a few times. I am always the agresssor, and she never tells me to stop, but she never encourages me or tells me how wonderful it is. I sense something in her eyes, though, a softness and vulnerabilty. What is she telling me?<p>A few months ago I was totally obsessed with her. Thought about her all the time. Working alone did not help. I am trying to see this for what it is: A fantasy. I want to move on, but I find that my heart -- while it does not ache like it used to -- still can miss her.<p>At times I feel as if I assumed the woman's role -- falling emotionally for someone.<p>My questions are these:
1. What has this woman told me without speaking? Does she care? I need to know that before I can move on.
2. How does one move on, and not let the ache in the heart hurt so bad.<p>Thank you, esvoed heIt has never been sexual, but more of an emotinoal thing -- as if I am falling in love with her. I have no desire to leave my wife, nor does she desires to leave her husband.<p>My questions are these: iswmti other coiwht pnt,
<hr></blockquote>

No, Melody, you are not alone. I have come back and read every reply to this man's post, and have not replied once, why? Because he is a brick wall. He does not see that his question has been answered several times, just not with an answer he is willing to accept. He has not and will not answer your questions about coming clean to his wife, he will avoid that at all costs because he knows what will happen. That said, I think you are all running into this brick wall and it is all for naught. Save your breath and your keystrokes, either he is so far gone that he can not be helped RIGHT NOW or he is just getting off on the attention he's getting here.<p>MM
My advice to you would be to go check out the ivillage>relationships>My Affair board, they will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Good luck to you, and even more so for your wife.<p>Bridgette [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

MM,<p>You specifically asked these questions:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So is it wrong to just keep things where they are?
<hr></blockquote>
and<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So far no one has answered my one question: If it was me who led with the heart and I now back off, why can't this remain a friendship?
<hr></blockquote>
and<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>...do you ever get over the feeling that you are missing something special? How did you get over that feeling?
<hr></blockquote><p>We have answered these questions over and over. Let's try it one more time, this time straight from Dr. Harley.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The Policy of Radical Honesty
Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future.<p> <hr></blockquote><p>and: Cut off all contact with the OP permanently.<p>How Should an Affair End?<p>You asked. We answered. <p>Good luck,
Estes

I hope you have done something to end this farce, it is disguisting, sick and crzed.. end it if you have not.. your wife deserves so much better.. go to oprah.com and download what dr. phil has to say about adultery.<p>OK, and tell your wife everything, and end everything with this woman at work.. before your life is totally messed up to never be the same again, quit being so stupid and in denial... LOVE YOUR WIFE< AS YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD>>> embrace your marriage as you should... PLEASE.... this is dangerous... please.<p>RMM

My point, a point that I am not making well I think -- is that because she will share only a bit of her heart, that precludes it from developing into a full blown EA affair.<p>this is crzy.. you are in an ea affair.. you want more... obviously.. you have a wife... did you go to oprah .com yet. and see what dr. phil says... print this whole column out of q and a's, tell your wife.. and get her opinion,... you are to forsake all others... DID YOU Forget that part of the marriage vows... forsaking all others? until death do us part... please for the sake of yourself. and your wife.. end it now...<p>RMM

MM
Let me tell you a brief version of my story. A person from my past came back into my life. We started emailing. Just wanted to be friends again. Nothing more. Never anything more. It wouldn't hurt to meet him for breakfast. It did hurt. What seemed to be suddenly, it was much more than just friendship. Now, it is over between us and I may have ruined my marriage. <p>Through all of this my H knew that there was some contact with this person. But he didn't know how much contact until it was all over. I would profess to myself that I was not telling him all from the beginning because I cared for him and I didn't think he cared. How wrong I was about all of it!!!! <p>You can make a thousand excuses to justify your behavior. God knows I have been there at one point or another. But excuses is all they are. In the end you cannot justify your actions. Eventually it will be more than an emotional affair. Eventually it will become physical.<p>If you truly love your wife as you claim to, tell her about what has been going on and tell her now. Stop seeing the OW. Stop having all contact with her. I urge you to save your M before it is too late. Love is protection. Lying to your wife is not protecting her! This is a lesson I had to learn that had a very high tuition cost!<p>Regretting