Hi,<p>With soo much hurt and pain on these boards I would like to share what I have learned about where I am today. <p>I am in recovery. I am. I have acceptance. This means that regardless of where the WS is at in their life, I as the BS know where I am at. <p>This is an important piece to recovery. There are basically 2 types of recovery here - <p>1. Marital recovery with BS & WS
2. Self recovery - BS or WS<p>Requirement is that acceptance level be attained before true recovery can take place. The test of this status is when one of the parties involved backslides or falls off the wagon completely. <p>See for most d/d sends the BS for a loop. From a standing position to landing flat on your back. Unsteady, unsure, not safe, frustrated and hurt. For some this turns to anger and a list of emotions until acceptance is attained. Acceptance is attainable for all. It is just a matter of when. <p>That is the key for this post. I wanted all to know that. This can be the beacon of hope that recovery (1 or 2) is available to the one who makes the effort. <p>The other point is that acceptance gives us more stabilization in recovery and allows all of us to move forward. <p>All you newbies. Take a look. There are some of us whose mates have backslided several times and a few that fell off the face of marital recovery completely. However, the remaining mate is still here and reaching acceptance/recovery or already there. <p>This is a good feeling. This is a big step. Bigger than going to plan B. But both going to plan B and reaching acceptant/recovery is not as difficult as it seems. <p>Hint: As long as the WS is trying to manipulate by instilling fear in the BS (I can call the police on you, I can get you fired, I can leave you and take the children and all the money, I can take the house from you).....whatever the excuse, as long as they are doing this. That WS is not in recovery. <p>Lot of WS/OPs plan many things to put false hopes in the BS. Let's become BS smart about this. Let's as a group help each other see when the BS is being taken for a ride. It is often much easier to see someone else's problem than our own. But that is the great advantage of being here. <p>So, pay attention when someone is saying....whoa looks like the WS is manipulating you or something like that. Don't discount those nagging feelings of doubt. Just be smart about it. <p>Unless you want to be in this kind of pain all your life...... be MB smart. Study hard and apply wisely. <p>JMHO,
L.

One week ago today, my H left to live with OW. However, he still says he is unsure of what he wants, if our M is really over, etc. I have been struggling with acceptance for this whole week. It has been really hard for me to accept that he is really gone and our M may be over. I struggle between having acceptance of the situation and having hope for the M. Also, the acceptance has been hard because I don't want this. This separation has been forced on me and my children and I have no say about it. There is nothing that I can do so I must just ACCEPT that this is my life and continue day after day. But that is hard!!!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sadathome:
<strong>One week ago today, my H left to live with OW. However, he still says he is unsure of what he wants, if our M is really over, etc. I have been struggling with acceptance for this whole week. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hello, Sad...
I see by your post that you have been on this rollercoaster since Nov. That is about the right time frame for you to have reached the "acceptance" stage of all this.....<p>Orchid does a wonderful job of keeping us up-to-date with the various stages that these various "trials" must bring us through. I'm sure you've felt the whole other range of emotions during this time: fear, anger, bargaining...<p>DO NOT let your H dictate to YOu what emotions you will feel. The other thing I want to point out to you is that it aint' over till YOU say it's over!!! This means (to me, at least) that the WS really doesn't have any hold over HOW you react, HOW you feel, HOW you think, or what you think of their shenanigans. It's up to YOU to decide how you will deal with this, and how you get through it. Some have chosen to rant, rave, scream, cry, beg, act "unworldly" in some other fashion, but only to their own peril. I think this is exactly Orchid's point.<p>Please do NOT become discouraged. It's too early in your journey for you to be "digging a grave" for your M. Your H is (his words) "unsure of what he wants...." this is a GOOD place!! Let him work this out in his mind. In the meantime, hone your Plan A skills, and change the things you can change about YOU, to make YOU a better person. This will serve you well far into the future, with OR without him!<p>God Bless you, and remember, WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE, so ask us anything you need to.

Dear sad@home,<p>I am sorry for your situation. Please understand that acceptance is when our heart settles and accepts. The fact that your H is out there doing....whatever is a fact you can not deny though it hurts. <p>The acceptance I am referring to is a stage when the mind and the heart together come to an understanding not to fight or try to change the inevitable. <p>The piece of hope or not is the fact that there is no guarantee that the WS will always stay or always come home. <p>Acceptance is that regardless of which decision or whim the WS is at in their stage of life, we the BS and family and move forward. With or without the WS. <p>From your input, it sounds like you are not at that level yet. Your heart is not ready to meld with your mind and this causes frustration. <p>Don't fight that. If your heart is not ready to give up, for now, don't beat yourself up. <p>I tried very hard to give my all (plan A) to my H for well over 1 year. There were plan B periods that happened twice. <p>Where am I now? My H is not in recovery, I am. I have reached acceptance. Kinda like riding a bike. <p>I struggled hard as many have here. I could not force myself to be in the acceptance stage even though my mind knew better. It was my heart that had to be at that level. <p>Be patient with yourself. <p>L.

/\/\/\ bump.<p>L.

L,
You know you will have my response ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... <p>All BS,
If you want to be a long distance plan A'ng, listen to Orchid. My peace came when I could say to myself ... I could live w/ or w/o my WW. We could Dv tommorow, I will be greiving but I will be fine. I still love my WW and I still prefers to have her back but she is not willing yet.<p>It takes a lot to arrive to that stage, thanks God I have 2 beautiful D that I put my energy and focus on. I have learn how to survive from a greiving ... I stop to bang my head against A or self pity or anger. I focus narrowly on addressing all the issues and focus something that is very positive ... my 2 D. Right away I learn to be single dad, too far that Steve Harley warned me to include WW in. Honestly, right now she is a burden rather than helper in this household. She was gone for one week at one point and this household didn't miss a beat. I gave her key chain engraved 1 Cor 13:4-7 and let her know that I set her free and I might and might not be here for her. My love for her is as deep as an ocean but it is not bottomless. I am a giver and I might snapped. When that happens I am ready to move on and never look back.<p>Does it help my M ?. Do not know yet, time will tell. But two things I could say, from nagging to Dv me, now my WW says you do it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] The biggest one is peace of mind. I make my WW stares at her A point blank, I detached my self out of its path. When Steve asked me on my last conseling, I told him that I could hold this forever but I will wait until 1 year or if any emotional effect shows up in my 2 D ... which ever come first. I am still in plan A and have some work to do including my peace w/ my Lord. My WW is still at la la land.<p>Hope this post help you, I hang around at Plan A/B and JFO ... sometime I'm lurking here (this board is too fast for me [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>Hi,<p>
I am in recovery. I am. I have acceptance. This means that regardless of where the WS is at in their life, I as the BS know where I am at. <p>JMHO,
L.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'M IN ACCEPTANCE!!!!!!<p>I have recovered without my WS, and guess what it is his lost not mine. Just think what a difference a year makes!

... and some of us are slow learners and really bull-headed. It took me far too long to reach that "acceptance" stage but when I did, WOW! <p>You're all absolutely right about accepting the advice of others. Sometimes it's not at all what you want to hear. You know, it's when you keep asking for advice and 10 people say one thing but one person says what you WANT to hear so you take that advice and run with it, ignoring the rest. <p>I hope I can explain this without offending anyone. My own personal rut was wanting to want my marriage. I felt I didn't want it, but that I should have it because the deterioration (as I saw it then) was not my fault. He owed me. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. And once I began to realize that the world would still ok, even without my M, all sorts of things fell into place. I guess it took a long time for me to really believe that self-recovery was possible on my own. And then I realized that it was ok to NOT want to rebuild the marriage, to work on myself instead. <p>Let me admit too that I have been a manipulative BS, albeit not intentionally. I was a "cake-woman", although without the "perks" of having an A myself. I could keep him at arms length and still have him around whenever I wanted to, knowing full well he was more than willing to ask "how high?" when I said "jump". [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . I don't think there are many BS's here in this position. It's not pretty. <p>Snow<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: Snowwhite ]</p>

I posted this on the EN Board and thought this was a good place to repeat it.<p>I am a success story.<p>What I have come out of rock bottom knowing is that it was all worth it for the person I am now. With or without my H I am totally complete and satisfied. That healthy mindset empowers me to set appropriate boundaries in my marriage and not settle for less than what I am worth.<p>Even if we divorce 10 years from now I will not look back and say I wasted my life. Because I like who I have become. The icing on the cake is that my marriage is becoming better but it does not determine my success in life.

ILuv, that is beautifully put -- wish I had the ability to put it in a nutshell so well! <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Even if we divorce ten years from now I will not look back and say I wasted my life. Because I like who I have become. <hr></blockquote><p>Worth remembering every day. <p>Snow

So, acceptance doesn't mean becoming compalciant or giving up on the marriage? I understand the self thing and that you can accept that you will be o.k. with or without M, but I don't think that I can ever become O.K. with my H affair...maybe I am missing something. My H moved in with OW on monday night, I don't give it long, for those of you who know my story you know why...and you yourselves have said it. I accept that he has made his choice, that I can only control me and my actions, but I still have a hard time accepting that my husband is this stranger, I know that he isn't. Make sense?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change<p>The courage to change the things I can<p>And the wisdom to know the difference.<p>No, never accept that its ok H had affair. But accept it happened then change what you have within your control.<p>Faith-n-hope,
I have followed a little of your story. From what I have read you are right on target. You are in Plan B. You sound good. You have ALREADY grown in leaps and bounds. Just the fact that you said it is not ok for H affair - I wasn't sure you felt that way in the beginning. no acceptance doesn't mean becoming compalciant or giving up on the marriage. you are talking of controlling you and your actions and your choices and his choices. God it just sounds so good to hear you. Keep posting. You are doing great!!!!<p>...not sure about this one though, but I still have a hard time accepting that my husband is this stranger...its called the fog. they can be there for awhile. My H also moved in with OW in 1994. I remember the heartache I felt. My heart goes out to you. We are in recovery now though so there is hope.

It is so very hard...mornings and nights...but I have to focus on my daughter, she is very angry, she sould not be that way for a 5 year old who loves the Lord. I have to concentrate on her. She is #1. I am angry though that he has not called her. I feel stronger, I don't cry very often. I do miss him like crazy. He wasn't just my H he was my best friend. I am going to get him back eventually, I have that little teeny piece of hope. Assurance almost. Yes I think I have accepted that I can't help him. It is like watching someone dying, you have the cure and they won't take it.

Faith-n-hope: My H is worlds greatest Dad. But he went 2 months without spending much time with them when he was in the fog. It is sooooo hard to watch our kids suffer. Its like hurt me all you want but don't hurt them!!!!<p>What a GREAT ANALOGY: It is like watching someone dying, you have the cure and they won't take it. <p>Faith-n-hope: You have really come full circle. You are a strong woman and your daughter will grow up to be strong just like you. What an excellent example you are showing her. God knows the desire of your heart is to restore your marriage and that is what God's wants too. Your H will suffer the consequences of his actions. Hopefully it won't take long for him to wake up and smell the coffee. Keep posting. You are in a healing process and have made huge steps already. cry and grieve all you want here. It hurts I know.

Please I have to ask a huge question. How do you get past all this. How are you able to forget and move on. I love my husband more than life. I never imagined myself without him, ever. And I just packed my car up and have been a hotel for a couple of days (my baby and me). How can I get to place when I look at him I get the butterflies again and not the hatred I am feeling. I left because I dont want to look at him, I miss him and my heart is breaking, but I dont want to see him God am I making sense???. When do get to the place when I want the marriage more than my self dignity. I sore never to be in this place again, and here I am. Same song different singer. God help me, why such bad choices in my life. My dad was a saint, why did I have to lose him (death). I thought the rule of thumb was you picked someone just like your parent. Whats wrong with me, I have man dyslexia (pick men out backwards)sorry poor attempt at humor. I admire all of you. I dont think I am going to make it

Thanks. It hasn't been easy at all.

Dear So Crushed,<p>Welcome to MB. This thread may be a bit ahead of where you are right now. See this as a direction to strive for. <p>There are many steps in the grieving process to go through. Acceptance is the final one. Please go and read my post to Newbies. I think it is back on the 2nd page. It has many links and will give you the support and strength you need to survive. And you will survive. <p>I will post the thread that is Redhat's sig line about the stages of grieving. It was a big help to me. <p>I like you humor by the way, it was more than an attempt. Right now that is a big step. I used humor to help me through this crisis in my life. Laughter is good medicine. Our children remind us of that. <p>Hugz,
L.

Bump

There will come a time for all of us (BS's) where we reach that point of acceptance. We realize we've done all that we can and that we have become better people having gone through this. I have grown as a person, learned much about myself (some of which I didn't like), and I've worked hard to make changes in myself so I could be the person I always wanted to be. I have realized that I am much stronger emotionally that I ever thought. <p>The guilt I once felt about the part I played in
in this whole mess is gone. I'm a good person, a good father and a good husband, flawed like anyone else. No more, no less. I will come out of this much stronger than my W, emotionally, finacially and spiritually. I'll be able to look my daughter in the eye lnowing I did everything I could to keep her family together. My W will not. I think she is finally seeing the of the situation she made for all of us. She seems to be in turmoil. She is seeing the reality and consequences of the choices she's made. She will not get out of this unscathed and is seeing the very real possibility that she could lose her daughter. I wish that I could help her, but I cannot. She has to deal with this on her own in her own way. I'm focusing all my energy on my daughter and I will be there for my W if she needs me, but for now I am taking care of me and my daughter. There's nothing more I can do for my W unless she let's me. I accept the situation as it is and any possible outcome. With that comes peace.<p>sad dad<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

I agree, we get a certain peace. Not a peace that our marriage is over but a peace that we are worth more than our marriage. Our marriages dont define us. We can still want out marriages with all of our hearts, but we are able to keep some dignity. Yes, we achieve peace, but speaking for myself, the peace has made me fee stronger, but it is a lonley peace, sometimes a cold peace...but peace non-the-less