On 1/12/02, my W of 18 years informed me she loves me, I&#8217;m her best friend but she&#8217;s not in love with me any longer. Later that day she admitted she has strong feelings for someone at work (we all work at the same company) and had become very good friends with this individual. I&#8217;m 40, my wife is 37 and we dated since she was 15 until marrying when she was 19 We have two children, ages 13 and 9, and I thought we had the happiest, most content marriage any two people could have, so this revelation was quite a shock.<p>My W went to one counseling session and I&#8217;ve gone to 3. The counselor told her to separate from me to find her individuality and find out how she feels about me and she moved out on 2/2/02. 2 days later, the other man slept with her (although she swears they&#8217;ve still not has sex). Since this time, they&#8217;ve slept together (still no sex she says) a number of times and I also found them kissing in his car prior to her moving out.<p>I&#8217;ve tried to convince her to try Dr. Harley&#8217;s telephone counseling or seminars but she say&#8217;s she doesn&#8217;t want to be with me and it&#8217;s a waste of time because she has no desire for me. She said she didn&#8217;t want to marry me to begin with and hasn&#8217;t loved me in years, despite all the cards telling me how much she loves me and all the conversations we&#8217;ve had where we express our love for each other. She also keeps saying she feels no attraction to me in her heart any longer. As recently as three month she said she&#8217;d never want another man in her life if anything ever happened to me. She&#8217;s also said I&#8217;ve given her the best life a woman could ask for but she is not attracted to me any longer.<p>She went to file for divorce yesterday and we are trying to remain friends. Last night we took the kids to a basketball game and Saturday we are going out to eat as a family. However, she gets upset whenever I ask her to come back and try to give the marriage a chance. We&#8217;re currently trying to figure out who will buy out the other person as far as the house goes or if we&#8217;ll need to sell it. I&#8217;d hate to do that because the kids love the house and neighborhood. This is all happening so fast but she&#8217;s possessed. It&#8217;s as if I don&#8217;t recognize the person I&#8217;ve loved for over 22 years. The OM is moving to our town Saturday, (he currently lives 40 minutes away&#8230;closer to work), so he&#8217;s only moving to be closer to my W. She keeps saying he&#8217;s only a very good friend and he could leave tomorrow and she wouldn&#8217;t care but it&#8217;s obvious that isn&#8217;t true. Only 5 days after moving out, she had him over to meet the kids and the kids were upset that he had a garage door opener to her townhome and let himself in and they sat there rubbing each others backs in front of the kids while watching television.<p>I can see when I&#8217;m with her that she still does care for me and for some crazy reason I still love her as much as ever. She keeps saying things like &#8220;if we end up getting divorced&#8221;, but yet she&#8217;s moving so quickly, I don&#8217;t see her backing off from it. Any ideas on how to convince her to try counseling by phone or any other options? Thanks.

I'm really sorry. I know it's confusing and painful. <p>I don't have much time to write right now but will get back tonight. Meantime, welcome to MB...read the site and learn what you can...others will be along shortly to help you as well.<p>Don't despair, we're here for you.

djw,<p>Welcome to MB. It seems that you read most about MB already. If not follow the General Welcome and most of the link under my signature, hope it will help you out. Learn about EN, LB, LB$, plan A/B. I would not be able to handle it if my W brings OM around my kids, that is a boundry that I draw and my W knows it. You have to determine if you still want your M and what price you are willing to pay for it.<p>You should stop persuing your W. She is determine and want to move on and there is a pop-pyschologist that confirming her behavior, you are wasting your time and effort. There is still time to work on your M. It will take time to Dv to be finalize anyway and you could always contest it .... Have you served yet ?, my WW wanted a Dv and had been saying it but I never got served.<p>I would start w/ fillin LBQ for your wife, try to remember from her complain and reactions. I would also fill in ENQ, try to find out the top 5 EN. Remember it takes two to get M and it takes three to screw it up. List her issues on your M, any hints ... think ... think ... even MLC shows some signs. Those are your basis for plan A.<p>Stay away from her A, don't LB, let her find out her self. No one could beside divine interventions. You need to call MB and get conseling right away w/ or w/o your W.<p>God Bless you.

you have given me the perspective on how my husband would feel if he would find out about my having an affair with his friend no less. You have just made me see what this would do to him. we have four children together, i have been with this OM about 8 times sexually. There will not be a 9th. Thank you !! in the meantime, may god be with you in leading you down the right path. OUr situations is kind of the same, my husband just turned 40, i myself am 37 and we will be married 17 years this june. i neve saw myself doing something like this till this friend came around with all his flattery etc. But he is only 23!! what was i thinking. the temptation is there, but you gave me a view from the other side side of the fence. email me if you wish, we can talk and give some support. balll@iowatelecom.net. good luck!!

djw,<p>Your marriage CAN survive this. Read everything you can get your hands on about affairs. Your W is a classic case. It will probably take months for her to become aware of the mistake she is making. Right now she is addicted to how the OM makes her feel. Keep reminding yourself that this A is not about you. You did not cause this, and there is not justification whatsoever for what she is doing.<p>Of course, they are not just friends. Of course, they are involved sexually. At this stage of an A, you cannot believe a word the WS (wayward spouse) says. They will say and do anything to be with the OP( other person) without regard for their spouse and children as your W has already shown.<p>Stall any way you can on the divorce. Get a lawyer to help you protect the children and yourself. Usually, an affair begins to unravel in a few months once everyone knows about it. Then, your W will slowly begin to admit to herself that she has made a huge mistake. Your job is to hold the household together, do a good Plan A, and avoid LBs love busters)until the A dies.<p>Come here to post and vent your frustrations rather than take it out on your W. Unfortunately, things will probably get worse before they get better, so hang on for a rough ride. Remember, you CAN get through this. We'll help.<p>Take care,
Estes

I haven't been served yet but expect to any day. Her attorney was completing the paperwork yesterday and was going to send it to the courthouse. In our state (WI), it takes 4 months for the divorce to become final from what I understand but if we end up selling our home even before that, I feel like any chance for reconciliation is gone.<p>I told my W that I would work with her amicably on the divorce and after initially being very upset with her when I first discovered the A, I've changed my approach to try to be positive and upbeat. That's why we're actually beginning to do things together again but she says she just wants me to be a very good friend to her.<p>The OM is a MM but he and his W are in the process of getting a Dv. He supposedly told my W on 12/21/01 that he was unhappy in his relationship with his W and he told his W he wanted a Dv. She happily agreed, and they have no kids and have been M 5 yrs. My wife said she was shocked when he told her that he hoped my W felt the same about her M and they could begin seeing each other. He also told my W that he smokes marijauna on weekends but that his W never knew about it. My W replied to him "to each his own" and she told me she'll never allow him to do this around her or the kids. In the past she never would have wanted anything to do with anyone that used drugs. I can't figure out how she'd be so eager to destroy our life together, hurt our kid's lives and fall for someone like this OM. He's the opposite of me and has told me he won't live his life for any woman, he has 2 motorcycles (which my W was never interested in before but now is), uses drugs, and can't handle money at all (according to his W).<p>The approach I'm trying to use is to not talk about the OM with my W and just try to stay positive and show her how great of a person she's leaving. The crazy part of all of this is that we've lived a storybook life and haven't ever had any troubles in our M at all. The way she's acting, is like someone completely oppostite from the woman I've known for more than 22 years. Even her best friend told me that she's always talked about how much she loves me but that the friend doesn't like the effect this OM is having on my W. Sorry to ramble. Thanks for the support so far.

djw,<p>One thing to do, while you are cooperating with W, is to protect your children. With drugs around, you need to fight for custody. In the state your W is in she will tell you anything, and then she will do things that you won't believe. She already has. Don't trust her with your children when the OM is around.<p>Losing your marriage is bad enough, having your children get lost in this mess is unconscionable. Fight for them.<p>Frankly, there is a reason his W isn't fighting for her marriage, and your W is going to find this out. But, you cannot tell her, nor can you teach her. Use Plan A effectively, protect your children to the best of your ability, and hang on. My guess, as is that of the others posting to you, is she will end up leaving him. If you have become an attractive alternative, there is hope. <p>But, do protect your children and don't believe a thing coming out of her mouth about what she will and won't tolerate around them. When it comes to the OM all truth is lost.<p>Experience around here shows that this will change but you will have to wait and protect those children in the meantime.<p>God Bless,<p>JL