just when i was set to hate the OM for being such a jerk to me, he calls, says he is sorry for being such a butt to me when i told him i couldnt see him anymore, he says he is okay with that because she thinks alot of my husband and myself and is afraid if the affair continues he isnt worth my losing my marriage over. He says that is why he said he couldnt have a serious relationship with me, because of my being married and he doesnt think he is worth my leaving my husband for if he found out about my seeing the OM. He said my husband is a much better man than he will ever be. He said if we continued seeing each other, in time it would be discovered, maybe a week maybe a year from now. i was so set to hate him, no the hurt starts all over again. This is so emotionally upsetting. any advice would sure be appreciated right now. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

boy does he know how to manipulate you!<p>all I hear him saying is don't worry about poor little ole me, I'll be fine all by myself. you just go ahead in your wonderful marriage and don't worry about me, I am not worth it. <p>If he really felt that way he wouldve left you alone and NOT called to "apologize"<p>and you feel like he needs you and it feels good to feel needed, maybe I should go rescue him.

I agree with ILuvNprotectME, he is manipulating you. He doesn't want to lose his lover (you) by making you hate him.<p>I suggest you seriously go to counseling if you haven't already. The counseling can help you identify your weaknesses and possibly your husband's, that are causing you to be with this guy, and hopefully control them so you won't be at their mercy.<p>God bless.<p>Joe

I agree with the above posts. The OM is a classic manipulator. If he thought so highly of you, your husband and your marriage he would not have started and continued the affair and still be friends with your husband. I am guessing for whatever reason he needs your husband for something and does not wish his friendship to be disrupted. The OM does not have a clue what the word friend means.
Secondly, I think he is setting you up down the road to continue the affair after a while because he figures you will see him in a better light and when you have an argument with your husband you will eventually still turn towards him. I am guessing he probably has a new girlfriend and plans maybe to have you as a backup down the line.
I am sure his first reaction when he was pissy toward you for breaking up was his true reaction.<p>He is your husband's friend (sic) and he is screwing you which means he is screwing your husband as well. I again hate to be harsh but I am sure he is scared to death that you will get too serious toward him and he will look bad in front
of his friends if he left you on your own after he destroyed your marriage.<p>He is trying to act moral since he is immoral. Don't be a sucker and fall for it. Your husband has a right to know what kind of person his friend is. Your husband has a right to know what you have done and what you wish to change in the future.
I can tell that if you are not honest with your husband you will be sucked back into this mess again. Stand up and be courageous and be honest with everyone and stop this madness.
Your OM has crippled your marriage, has used you for sex, emotionally hurt you and he could have cared less about your four children, your husband and your marriage. Stop being in denial and wake up!

Well Confused,<p>Bryanp and others have put it on the line for you. I don't think there is really any way to misinterpret the situation. He is getting free exciting sex from an older woman. His friends W. There is the type of conquest men like him live for.<p>Trust me I know. Had a few acquaintences in my younger days who really really enjoyed getting older married women. Their comment: "They were so grateful." I am not making it up. Now, to my knowledge none of them got to try the power trip of having an older man as their friend and then taking their W. We were all in our mid-20's then, but then again they didn't have friends in there late 30's and 40's.<p>They just liked the no strings attached grateful older married woman. The women were experienced would do about anything with them and it was absolutely free. No emotional baggage, no financial problems, often no chance of children.<p>Confused, don't be. What I have just told you is the God's honest truth. When I first read your posts, I puzzled if I should respond. But, I have read most of them and in reading Bryanp's post to you I thought maybe I'd better say a few things to you about some of the guys I have known in that age bracket.<p>It is not a pretty picture, but what amazed me was how many married women there were that were willing to jeapordize everything to give it to basically a kid. <p>I never understood. Still don't. But, after reading here at MB for three years I do have a better clue about this. You will also if you do some reading.<p>Frankly, your best defense against this is telling your H. It may end your marriage, it will definitely hurt your H, but it is most likely going to make your marriage stronger in the long run. Otherwise the guilt will just eat at you, and the only way to stop will to be to build a wall around your heart and keep your H at a distance so that he won't get too close and you will slip up.<p>Don't believe me? Go find the posts by "Jill" here. She debated for over a year about whether to tell her H. It almost killed her. She eventually did and her marriage is healing well.<p>Many things to think about, but I will tell you for sure that I am right about what your OM is thinking. What a rush: "a greatful older woman, and getting to his "friends" W. Nothing could be more exciting."<p>I am not joking here, Confused.<p>God Bless You and Your Family,<p>JL

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>He is trying to act moral since he is immoral. Don't be a sucker and fall for it. Your husband has a right to know what kind of person his friend is. Your husband has a right to know what you have done and what you wish to change in the future.
I can tell that if you are not honest with your husband you will be sucked back into this mess again. Stand up and be courageous and be honest with everyone and stop this madness.
Your OM has crippled your marriage, has used you for sex, emotionally hurt you and he could have cared less about your four children, your husband and your marriage. Stop being in denial and wake up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Bryanp is right confused. The only lasting way for this guy to be out of your life and your husband's life, is to come clean with your husband. Otherwise he will always be around to make your life a living hell.<p>Your husband definetely needs to know what kind of a 'friend' this guy really is. Of course the truth will probably devastate your husband's trust in you, but if he decides to forgive you if you committ to rebuilding the marriage, then your husband can also start to discover what he has not given you that made you an easy target for this predator, and hopefully he will be able to again become your one and only lover.<p>Another point that probably has not been made is that whether you beleive it or not, your affair has in all probability, changed your behavior around your household and has probably been felt by your husband and children. It could be in the form of beign stressed out all the time or beign irritable most of the time for minor things. So as you can see, your affair can have consequences to those closest to you. even though it is still remains a secret.<p>Also the longer the affair goes on the more of a likelyhood that it will be discovered by your husband or by somebody close to him. Then you will be in a much weaker position than if you had decided to confess to him in the first place.<p>And let's say that in the unlikely event that this guy leaves your life for good, and you don't confess to your husband about your affair, the secret you carry will fester like an infected wound inside of you, eventually destroying your life and the lives of those you love. <p>Remember this confused, there is no security in this life and everything must come to an end. You must accept the risk of losing your husband, but there is also the hope that you will not lose him at all.<p>Chose wisely and God bless.<p>Joe

oh my gosh, you guys are so on target about this OM. Yes, he does like my husband, the OM is an avid hunter and we have 1000 acres for him to hunt on, so of course he doesnt want to lose that. he called my husband just yesterday to have him meet him for lunch. my husband gets irratated with him, the OM doesnt think he has a family and will jump at his command. The hunting thing is really the only friendship they share, they are not close friends. i have begun counseling and go for my second session tomorrow. thank you all so much! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

oh my gosh, you guys are so on target about this OM. Yes, he does like my husband, the OM is an avid hunter and we have 1000 acres for him to hunt on, so of course he doesnt want to lose that. he called my husband just yesterday to have him meet him for lunch. my husband gets irratated with him, the OM doesnt think he has a family and will jump at his command. The hunting thing is really the only friendship they share, they are not close friends. i have begun counseling and go for my second session tomorrow. thank you all so much! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

confused,
everybody around here is so damn civilized! well, weather it's welcome or not here's thought for you. leave your husband! tell the poor man the truth and then take a walk. give the guy a break. let him know what an up standing citizen his wife really is. yuk!!<p>what is this nonsense about the OM, slime bag that he is, telling you what a great guy your H is while he screws the sh*t out of you? and you, not only loving every minute of it but coming here like little mary sunshine with a play by play...like you're discussing a baseball game!<p>what is this nonsense about? "what should i do?" you ask. well here's the answer, punt! you are some piece of work. why don't you and that piece of trash that you enjoy screwing so much get lost together and give the world a break. <p>my God, if your husband was adolph hitler he still wouldn't deserve a wife like you.<p>poodlepapa

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>my God, if your husband was adolph hitler he still wouldn't deserve a wife like you.<p>I take it that you consider a sociopath that was responsable for the death of millions of people from many nations to be higher on the morality ladder than a remorseful woman that committed adultery. Thanks for the belly laugh [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Joe<p>[ February 27, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

That was entirely out of line, Barry. A disgusting display of immature posting, IMO. Maybe you shouldn't relate so personally with your past history if THAT's what is going to splat out as a response.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by poodlepapa/barry:
<strong>confused,
everybody around here is so damn civilized! well, weather it's welcome or not here's thought for you. leave your husband! tell the poor man the truth and then take a walk. give the guy a break. let him know what an up standing citizen his wife really is. yuk!!<p>what is this nonsense about the OM, slime bag that he is, telling you what a great guy your H is while he screws the sh*t out of you? and you, not only loving every minute of it but coming here like little mary sunshine with a play by play...like you're discussing a baseball game!<p>what is this nonsense about? "what should i do?" you ask. well here's the answer, punt! you are some piece of work. why don't you and that piece of trash that you enjoy screwing so much get lost together and give the world a break. <p>my God, if your husband was adolph hitler he still wouldn't deserve a wife like you.<p>poodlepapa</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Barry ----<p>There are some BS out there who just don't get it, can I assume you are one of them?<p>Did you not learn anything from your situation? Are you really so hell bent on breaking up the marriages of all the rest of these good people? Talk about civility --- where was yours.<p>The polite thing would be for you to apologize for what you said here --- if you're man enough to accomplish it. You should be ashamed of yourself taking your anxieties out on a WS who is here trying to make it work. If that's truly the kind of person you are --- NO WONDER your wife left you for someone else.<p>What a piece of work you turned out to be. A total waste of skin in my book!!!<p>Get a clue --- as a BS part of the fault for the break down of your marriage lies at your door... you weren't perfect either.<p>So -- are you man enough to apologize?<p>Jan

You say this man is your husband's 'friend?' Some friend I'd say. Reminds me of my H sleeping with his 'best friend's' wife 6 mos after their wedding. By the way, she was MY former best friend. Your husband deserves to know, and if you don't tell him...you will never have a good marriage. My H lied for 6 years and they both made me look like a fool, convincing everyone that NOTHING Happened. I guess taking your wife's 'best friend' into your bed doesn't count. Quit playing games. Go to counseling and tell your husband. Maybe he'll leave you and you and the 'friend' can be together. You'll have about a 5% chance of staying together but who knows? Maybe you'll beat the odds. Sorry for the sarcasm but your story hits way too close to home. I will NEVER trust girlfriends again, or my H completely. That's the price of the game you're playing. Is it worth it?