Hello all,<p>I am not new to this site...just been trying to move on with my life without my H. We are currently going through the big D...but not without many months of me trying to hang on. To no avail, he chose the OW. Unfortunately I found this site too late...I LB'ed beyond any of your wildest dreams...but I was hurt, depressed, abandoned, etc...<p>Ok, to get to my question...H finally got an attorney...after almost a year of legal separation. During that time, the judge ordered him to take care of certain bills for me, even if I became employed. I admit...I was a *****, but I couldn't help it...he treated me so badly and asked for divorce while he was in another country. So, about a month ago, trying to be a human being and forgive, I emailed him to tell him I didn't need his help anymore financially. I have a great job, own my own home (my first [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) and am trying to move on. I told him I hope he is happy and that he has someone who is good to him. I was very nice and cordial and want to forgive, not forget, so that my life is happier. So, what does he do, he rushes out finds an attorney and is seeking reimbursement from me??? Why, after all that he did, would he now do this to me?? Why not just leave it alone and say ok it's over?? I don't understand you guys...any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks<p>Truthiseek

Sounds to me that he doesn't want to let go. Now that you've moved on, & doing better than ever, he's thinking, did he do the right thing? Oh, well. Too bad for him. Let him try, but I don't think he'll get anywhere. Good for you to have turned your life around. I'm going through the same thing, only we're not legally separated yet, so I can relate to the feelings of abandoment, rejection, etc. I'm still trying to deal with them. I don't know why my husband suddenly fell out of love with me, but be rest assured, I'll find out. He's also in another country, Korea, since last February. In the Navy. Then I found out from his detailer that he's extended his tour over there another year, never mentioning a word to me first, now isn't that special? Since you've been there done that, any suggestions or feedback in this area would be greatly appreciated. I only hope that I'm able to move on as well as you did, you should be very proud of yourself. God is on your side, don't worry. What goes around, comes around. Just sit back & watch! Take care & God Bless. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

well darling navywife...my h was in Korea as well when he lost his freaking mind!!! He is also military...decided he wanted to be with the base you know what! What a small damn world...I am sorry that you are going through this too. My advice to you is this, see a couselor for you, see a dr if you are battling depression...i did, and i am on paxil. If you have the opportunity to go to school...DO IT! Better yourself and try to make you happy...that is all you can do. I don't know what the Hell is wrong with our military or the H's in it that are supposed to be such loyal individuals...I think that we both got screwed! Write anytime you want and I will help you as much as I can. Oh, forgot to mention, my H revealed his A to me after returning to Korea off midtour...he told me over IM! Can you say coward??? Take care of yourself and stay positive. God bless.<p>Truth

Korea hmmmmm!!!!<p>Me too, WH was there 98/99 with the AF. Started e mailing old HS GF and started things back up slowly, first told me that he was having strong feelings for her the month before he was due home, and that perhaps we should go our own ways. Worked through some of that , went to the next base, things were good, then last Jan he had a TDY to FL and just had to go see her, came back and said that he wanted DV. Have been seperated since Aug of this year.<p>It's not intirally the military's fault, they do have a lot for them to do while away, they give them enough opportunities to contact home, it is whether they chose to use the advantages they are given.<p>I do however believe that the seperations are hard and do play into the seperation and divorce rates in the military. Marriage is hard enough, without the stress of being apart it makes keeping a marriage together that much harder!!<p>Just my 2 cents I am able to get up on a soap box on this one!!<p>At least I did get my 20 years in while he was/is active duty so when he retires I will get half of his retirement!!!<p>God Bless, stay strong, and grow in yourself. My e mail is at the bottom if either would like to chat somemore!! Do protect yourself and any childern that you have, check with your base/posts Family support center, there is info and help available to you.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

well, another statistic of Mil.Divorce...sorry to hear that you are one of the group...mine was AF, there in 99-00...had A with married coworker and ALOT of people knew it, including higher ups. So, I am not totally blaming the AF, but you know so many people knew about it and did NOTHING. I know separation is hard, been there and done that. In fact, I was alone while he was in Korea. In fact, I was finishing school...i was around 5-6000 men everyday...yet, my marriage meant everything to me and I stayed faithful. He didn't. There is no excuse for infidelity. period. It is just too bad the military basically condones that type of activity. Hope you get what you deserve from your ex...20 years of putting up with crap and tdy's is alot...good luck to you and i will probably email you soon. Thanks for your input. <p>Hey, maybe we should start a thread for military wives/husbands to talk???<p>Take care and God bless.

Ladies,<p> I thought that I would committ on this. I hope that I am not intruding. I am on active duty in the military. I understand what you talk about when you are seperated from loved ones for long periods of time. I was seperated from my wife for most of our first year of marriage. I can honestly tell you that not all people in the military can't control themselves. But, I have seen exactly what you have been talking about. I will say this about the military. They have aleast in my service tried to include the family in almost everything that their spouse does. I for one would feel like I would not only be dishonoring myself if I had an A because I was gone from home. I would also be dishonoring the branch of service that I serve in and all of the men and women that wore the uniform before me. <p>Indy

Hi,
First marriage..military...can you say Phillipines? Even Playboy refers to it as the "sexual Disneyland."<p>Anyway, I wanted to comment on the original thread. I wonder how much the new wife is behind this all of a sudden. I know once my x remarried things that had been settled were reopened...got real nasty...just a thought.
T

Indy_357,<p>I don't believe that you intruded. I have been a military dependent all of my life!! And the AF for one is very family oriented. The AF didn't fail me it was my H that failed.<p>And unfortunately as the saying so goes "what goes TDY stays TDY" I have always hated that phrase. That is what allows for some of the infedilty. Others own loose morals.<p>I know that my WH as a top 3 enlisted had to council troops on infidelty. So it is not always common for others to look the other way.<p>Yes there does seem to be quite a few of us Dependents on the forum, I would say that is probably because we were trained to act upon seeing a problem, and that is how or why we found MB. We acted to what was happening to us.<p>twlya, I looked back at the orignial post and I didn't see that there had been a remarriage yet, just stupid jealousy and greed.<p>Again my 2 cents that should be 4 now!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks to everyone for their input. I just want to state for the record...I am not blaming the military for the failure of my marriage, nor do I believe every military member is unfaithful to their spouse while away. All I can say is that people knew about my H's A, people warned him to stop, people were there to warn him, but didn't point him in the direction of help--chaplain, family support, anyone he could talk to about what was happening to him. I truly believe he never intended on me finding out. He told me because her husband found out and threatened to tell me.<p>I am still hurt to this day. We ended our marriage while he was in Korea. There were no chances to sit down and talk, no chances for counseling together. After months of his emotional abuse and me crying and vomiting 24 hours a day, I had to go away and be with people who cared about me and who would help me to recover. I went home to my parents and sister. I honestly tried everything I knew at the time to save my marriage. That is why I don't understand why he is doing this. If he is so happy, then why not just let things go? The military stationed them together in the US, so he has what he wants...why can't he just leave me alone? He wants me to drop adultery charges...that I know is to protect his military reputation. I don't know how he can even look himself in the mirror everyday, I wouldn't be able to. <p>It has gotten better. I survived. I made a new life for myself and I am proud of that. I am proud of me for not giving up and dying like I wanted to do so many times. I found this job and moved up north. I have new friends, a new home, and a new outlook on life. I just want the old ghosts to go away.

Sounds like he is not ready to let this go. After everything, YOU have finally moved on. That may be urking him. It's like he had you all this time and didn't want you. Now he doesn't have you and he's upset. Too bad for him.<p>I'm not sure about the reimbursement. I'm not a lawyer but I have a little experience. If it was a court order then he was required to follow it. Has anyone ever heard of of reversing a court order and then a new order that requires reimbursement? <p>Anyway, he sounds likes he just wants to win. He's not ready to move on...

bumping back to top...

Truthiseek,<p> Did you let his command know that he was having an affiar? If the command already knows about the affiar then there is nothing that will stop the legal proceedings that will follow. If the commander is interested in the good order and disipline of the service they will NJP him. Yes it can and depending on the type of feild destroy his military career. I am soory but if a spouse that is in the military has an affiar they should be punished. We have as you know higher standers set for our people than most places out in the civilian world. I will tell you as well. He dishonored his uniform and the contry that he serves.<p>Indy

Hi Indy,<p>Yes, my former attorney wrote several letters to his command in Korea, as well as to the command here at his new base in the US. Yet, for some reason, they were still stationed at the same base after their tour together. I was even infuriated enough with the AF's low standards to bring Senator Helms into the picture. His attempts brought no results either. SO, I am clueless. I guess one has to be a female pilot committing adultery before any action is taken! It is very sad that he wears the uniform and disgraces the people who do deserve to wear it!! But, I am sure that not many people know about his activities at his new base. He is a good liar and a good con...but, I have a feeling it is going to catch up with him one day. Thanks for replying and just so everyone knows, I have a new attorney who is going to fight for me and what I deserve. I will keep you all updated. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]