As I have been reading around here, my perception is that the majority of people have the problem that the WS cannot decide what they want to do. It seems that in most cases, it is the BS that is fighting to save the M. Please correct me if I am wrong in this.<p>In my case, I am the WS. Once the fog lifted, it took me about a second to realize that I was so very wrong and it was my H that I wanted most in my life. It is my H (the BS) that cannot decide what to do. <p>If I may possibly ramble a bit, let me explain where I am coming from with this. The first 5 weeks or so after D-day, were naturally hell for both of us. Me trying to stay strong and reassure him that I wanted to stay. Him not sure if he was strong enough to work through things. Eventually, he decided that no decision would be made until mid-April. This is a decision he stands by. He will not make any decision on our M until then. <p>The next several weeks were bliss by comparison to the first few weeks. Yes, there were rough days but all in all things were good. Then suddenly things changed.<p>One day we were having a good time. Spending some good quality time together, talking. What seemed to me as very suddenly, he blew up. Told me that things just weren't going to work out. I begged and pleaded but he was definate. Things were over, he was done. He didn't want this but he just couldn't see how things could get better.<p>Over the next few days, things got better. But since then, it just depends on what day it is. One day, he has no hope for us. The next day, he thinks we can make it through this mess.<p>We have been to a MB weekend and have started the follow up course. But he doesn't seem to want to work on any of it if he is in one of us "down" moods. As I understand the Plan A, he is doing this but only when he is in one of his "up" moods. When he is in a down mood, he pretty much withdraws. He won't touch me and will hardly talk to me. When he is in an up mood, he tells me that I am doing everything I can for him and doing it well. When he is in a down mood, he tells me that my best just isn't good enough.<p>It is all very frustrating. I am on a rollercoaster of my own making and don't know what else I can do but ride it out. I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I have betrayed the ultimate trust. I know that there isn't anything I can do to totally repay for that wrong but I to try. I want to save my M. <p>So, my question, is the "normal"? Do most BS go through this? What, if anything, can I do to help him and my M through this? Comments and suggestions are very welcome. I need help!<p>Thanks in advance<p>Regretting

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair<p>Do you realize how many things can trigger a downspell in the BS's recovery? Just turn on the TV, every other show is dealing with cheating or affairs of some form. Just last night, the news reported a new documentary by Monica Lewinsky. Sometimes certain dates or holidays or casual workplace conversations can trigger depression in a BS. OPEN YOUR EYES.<p>Quit waiting for the pain to end and just work on how you can ease the pain by proving yourself.<p>I'm not a BS, so I'm sure someone else can elaborate. Just my thoughts as a former (single) OW/OC who is now married and MBing my heart out!

I'm sorry, initially in the above post, I had this really super-sensitive heartfelt message, but lost it cuz my login was timed out or something weird. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just please know that I sense your pain and feelings of despair. I'm sorry this has happened to your marriage. There is nothing you can do to make your husband believe you, even when you tell him you love him (he may forever be wondering "IF you loved me then how could you..."), but still keep on telling him and still keep on following up on your word and keeping ALL of your promises. BE where you say you will be, make regular phone calls, DO what you say you will do and only time after time of consistent behavior can you show him that you mean these things and that you are sincerely regretting your A. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Regretting,<p>Yes, it seems to be normal. This seems particularly true once there seems a chance that the marriage can be saved. The BS now realizes that they must "commit" and they have tremendous doubts about their ability to make the WS happy. They have tremendous doubts about it ever happening again.<p>You have been to an MB weekend. So you probably know better than I, but even Dr. Harley states he would divorce his W if he found she had an affair. There are no kids etc. Your marriage is only two years old, there are no children, probably few assets acquired. If ever there was a time to end the marriage now is it.<p>So my suspicion is that your H is dealing with the realization that did not love him. That the promises made when wed have been broken. Can he trust you? What would happen if children enter the picture? All of these what ifs?<p>He is also probably struggling because he does love you. If he didn't he would be gone, there is nothing in the marriage to hold him now.<p>Sounds pretty negative doesn't it??? It is.<p>But there are positives. As I said he does love you. More than apparently you realized. There are no guarentees that the next woman he found wouldn't cheat on him. In fact there are few guarentees' at all.<p>So he struggles, he was wise to take more time. The 6 month time frame seems to be critical. Anger in the BS seems to come out. Fog starts clearing, the depths of the relationship are finally starting to be addressed as the pain subsides.<p>My advice is hang in there. Reassure your H, but most of all fully understand why this really happened. What is it YOU can do to prevent it from happening again and what is HE can do to prevent it again.<p>This is tough stuff Regretting, but as you well know it can be overcome. Keep talking to him and realize that his and your roller coaster ride are pretty normal. Even the BS's that work tirelessly to save a marriage come to a point, when there is hope, of wondering "do they want this person as their spouse?" Pretty normal.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Is it possible for the two of you to attend couples therapy together? It sounds like the two of you need a safe environment to talk out your feelings. I know that it did a world of good for me and my SO to have that "mediator" there...he helped us to see the source of all of these feelings and how to deal with them in a healthy manner.

Is it possible for the two of you to attend couples therapy together? It sounds like the two of you need a safe environment to talk out your feelings. I know that it did a world of good for me and my SO to have that "mediator" there...he helped us to see the source of all of these feelings and how to deal with them in a healthy manner.

I'm the BS and I'm the fence-sitter. I still don't know what my H can do to keep me. But I do know that without certain things from him I definitely will exit. I figure that if and when I get those things from him and see the things I need to see, then I may be able to know if it's enough to keep me here. So far, he's made minimal progress on those things, so I just don't worry about it. I won't make a decision to commit unless and until he does all the hard stuff.<p>I can't guarantee that your H eventually will commit, but if he's anything like me, he knows there are things that will prevent him from doing so. Maybe you can ask him to focus on those things so that you can address them and work through them.<p>After I posted, it occurred to me that it might be helpful for me to be more specific. If you've read SAA and haven't done the extraordinary precautions very consistently and very well, I suggest starting there, and I would err on the side of too much information than just enough or not enough. I'm still waiting for my H to follow through on everything on that checklist. He doesn't like the accountability stuff and doesn't want to "be treated like a kid having to explain a gas receipt!"<p>You may already be doing a great job on those and your H is needing something else, but it can't hurt to do a status and progress check on those extraordinary precautions.<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Most of the cases you see here on this forum are of the type in which the WS is fence sitting. But there are many WS who choose their marriage and stop all contact from the first day of discovery. <p>You will find that just about any combination of behaviors occurs quite a bit. So it's all normal. A person just needs to deal with what they are presented with.

Hi Regretting -<p>This is "normal" (if there is such a thing). Please realize that your H is experiencing complete chaos in his thinking. What he has known all during his relationship with you (blind trust) as crumbled at his feet. He is overwhelmed with Why, Fear, Anger, Resentment, Feeling Foolish, Should I Rebuild or Should I Not. It creates havoc and is a vicious circle that the BS's have claimed they almost feel NUTS at times. The pain is gut wrenching and it may take years to get past all these questions and emotions.<p>For me, once I read about 7 books on affairs, I finally realized what my H is experiencing as well as my own thoughts and feelings. "Torn Asunder" is a big thumbs up as it really talks about the WS.<p>All you can do is be there for him. Communicate, answer his questions open and honestly, and if you are both willing, MC is another good tool. Seek out a MC who has dealt with alot of M with A. This takes alot of hard work, love, and patience with a capital "P".