The thread about going to a wedding made me think about a discussion we once had on the Redbook board about renewing wedding vows as part of rebuilding a marriage after an affair. We got mixed opinions on it and I was wondering how people here felt.<p>Personally, at first I thought it was a good idea and hoped my WS would suggest it. But then after thinking about it I started dreading that he might ask me to do this because I felt I would say no (I wasn't sure if I wanted to make the commitment this time). It's been almost 2 years now of rebuilding and actually the subject has never come up. I honestly don't know what I would say. I have very mixed feelings about it that I really can't put into words right now.<p>What are your opinions and has anyone here renewed vows?<p>Thanks,
JJ

It's a very touchy subject for me. I really need to do this to know that he is really recommitted to our marriage. I've told him and he still hasnt done it.<p>I'm waiting for the day he gives me a ring and asks me to marry him again.<p>It will be a new beginning for us/me. I will be able to bury the old. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Read my signature line. <p>To me renewing wedding vows and words in general mean nothing. Show me through actions, honesty, loyalty, and consistantly over a LONG period of time. If the vows meant nothing the first time (and in my case the second time either) than why would they means something the second (or third time).

I feel strongly about this. My wife and I were never married in a church, before God. We came to Christ at different times at least 5 years after our marriage. We renewed vows in a large impersonal church service with 300 or more married folk. Didn't mean much.<p>I have a vision. Others have told me to be careful, that it might not be what my wife wants. But my vision involves a point in the future where my wife and I make some type of confession that restores each of us to purity, gaining forgiveness for past indiscretions, pornographic addiction, etc. Basically washing us totally clean.<p>Then, we renew our wedding vows privately, just with our children present. Then we honeymoon again, as basically recycled virgins. Then we spend the rest of our lives together, committed, and faithful, growing old.

My H had always talked about returning to where we got married and doing it again on our 10th anniversary. As that day approached and we were so emotionally distant, I kept thinking maybe he will surprise me (which he has done on previous anniversaries) with a trip there and this time do the renewal of vows thing and we'd finally close the emotional distance and reconnect as we'd always done in the past. He had even mentioned it within the past year!<p>He was heavy in the A by the time our anniversary came along (which I wasn't aware of at the time), but I kept hoping for that surprise up to that date. I had no idea that our M didn't even exist anymore. I didn't even get a card. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>On D-day when he wanted to reconcile, I told him I did not want the old M, that I could never celebrate that anniversary again, that it was forever tainted by his betrayal of me, probably on that very day in fact. I said that if we reconciled I wanted a whole new M, new wedding date, new rings, new everything.<p>Shortly after that, while shopping, I discovered the center stone of my wedding ring missing, which seemed so appropos it was almost funny. We designed the ring ourselves and that stone represented God as the center and foundation of our M, so totally appropriate for it to disappear since H ejected God from our M. I'll never wear that ring again--was only wearing it then because H wanted me to.<p>He hasn't worn his ring since before his A. After D-day he wanted me to get it re-sized so he could wear it, but it's still sitting in my purse and I have no intention of doing it since it's a match to the ring I'm never going to wear again.<p>Now I'm torn. Sometimes I wish he would do something really big like present me with a new ring and ask me to marry him, but then reality hits and I realize I'm not ready to commit and couldn't say yes or say the wedding vows again and mean them. That line from the Backstreet Boys song comes back to me: He promised you forever, but forever's come and gone.<p>And ultimately, the big stuff like that has already been done and it ended up meaning nothing, so I agree with I LuvNProtect Me that words mean nothing. And I would add that gestures reminiscent of the gestures from the past that proved to be empty and have no substance are not what I'm looking for either.<p>I'm looking for someone who has boldly faced everything in him and then grown up to be a true man, whose word actually means what it says.

JJ,
I have been thinking about this subject for two years now, but I don&#8217;t think I will get there because it is just in my dream. Before I get to talk about exchanging vows (or re-exchanging vows), I want to get through this step first. What is this step is all about? Well, after d-day 2 years ago, my wife told me that she&#8217;s resented me for all these years (16 years of marriage) that I didn&#8217;t kneel down when I proposed to her (the OM did that to her during the affair). The A ended more than a year ago, but my wife has not yet recommitted to be married to me. So I was thinking about asking my wife to &#8220;re-marry me&#8221; by kneeling down and proposal to her with a ring. Depend on the answer to this I might or might not have a chance to re-exchanging vows. I wish my dream will come true, but then again, it is only my dream. I plan to ask her to re-marry me on my birthday less than a month from now. We will see.

Before I knew that my H had an affair, I always thought that renewing vows would be such a beautiful thing to do. Now, even though he has asked me to be his W on bended knee, I would not be able to renew our vows. I want to rebuild our relationship, however the vows I made were forever, his were not. I simply don't have anything to "renew", it would only serve as a horrible reminder of what he was willing to break for casual sex with a stranger. We are working on rebuilding, but the sacred "till death do us part" can not be repeated...it's just not going to be part of the equation for me.<p>I know that these feelings are contrary to MB principles, i've read the books and prayed for emotional healing but it is not coming easily for me. <p>I think that to many, the renewing would be a very positive step, and pray for those couples. I'm just not at that point yet, don't know if I will ever be... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Before making the decision to renew vows, make sure both are totally committed to the idea and what it means.<p>I surprised my wife on our 20th anniversary in 1998 by arranging a renewal ceremony in the little chapel at the Grand Wailea in Maui. It was a magical week, and the ceremony meant so much to me. I assumed the same for her, but, as I found out three weeks ago, by that time she was 2 1/2 years into the EA and a year before it turned into PA. Now I feel foolish for having tried to surprise her, and the once "magical week" is now just a bitter reminder of how oblivious I was and how one can be so blinded by trust.<p>I agree that, in the long run, words mean very little, especially to those who don't comprehend the meaning of the word "promise."

I am longing for the day that my WH asks me to marry him again! The biggest reason is because I want a new anniversary day to celebrate!! Our original one is EXTREMELY tainted because it's the first time my WH was intimate with the OW. YUK!!! As a matter of fact, that day is coming up on March 22nd and I am dreading it! It should be a wonderful day to celebrate 16 years together!! Instead, it is a day that they started their PA and I hate the thought of it!!<p>Le<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Moving Forward ]</p>

Two months into our 7th reconciliation, we went to Mexico, my H brought our wedding rings, which neither of us had worn for awhile.<p>We stood on the beach and said our apologies and resaid our vows. Cried a little. Put on the rings. <p>It felt like a formal ritual, another rite of passage. For us it was right.<p>Oddly we still have trouble with those rings, both sets are too tight. So last fall we bought silver Celtic knot bands.<p>Our counselor is an ordained pastor, and we talked with him about redoing the vows, and in a way through our sessions we did. Maybe in 6 years on our 25th? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .

I definately want to remarry - not renew vows. The vows were broken the first time. I want a new marriage, a new anniversary date, new vows, and in a church. My first marriage is not one I look fondly one. The A started less than a year into it, she thought of the OM while on our anniversary, and lusted for him nearly the majority of our marriage. The OM was even a guest at our wedding.<p>I don't want to go back to that relationship. I want a new one with my wife - my new wife.