MM<p>Maybe you missed my post where I pointed you towards a board that would answer your question the way you want it to be answered. It was ivillage.com>relationships>MyAffair
These people will gladly tell you to continue what you are doing no matter the consequences. And you will be doing a great service to the good people of MB by leaving them to help someone who really does want help.<p>To ALL repliers of this post:<p>I challenge you to leave this man to his selfish thoughts and turn your kestrokes and brain energy to the other people here who really do seek your advice.<p>Bridgette

Thanks for the advice. As to the person who suggested not posting, isn't that a little bit like preaching to the choir? I thought the idea was to help people like myself, men and woman who are questioning, learning and struggling as we go along.<p>My answers may not be what you like, but they are where I am now. My questions may drive you nuts.<p>I am not looking for a board to condone an affair. But if you it would make people feel more at ease, I will stop posting.<p>But the truth is that I represent a lot of men and women grappling with these issues, probably similar to many of your spouses -- the ones who are "an open book' and yet who still wonder and have questions.<p>I guess I am just hones enough to admit here that I have questions<p>And yes, I would be strong enough to resist this woman if she sexually proposed to me. Being honest, I would have a far harder time not holding her hand.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>Dear New Beginning:
He knows everything? I doubt it. We all harbor thoughts that would shock people. Come on. You share most everything, but there is a part of you, a part of everyone that will always remain a secret.<p>If not, where is the mystery that comes from getting to know someone.<p>I agree that some secrets are worse than others, but we all have secrets</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sorry guy, but we're speaking different languages here...<p>... you're talking about a bit of mystery, like how the bubbles of champagne make me burp, and he doesn't know because we've never had champagne... <p>... or your spouse not knowing you really never liked mauve because the subject never came up ...<p>I'm talking about SECRETS... ya know... like that you used to be hot for the chick at work, kissed her a few times, told her you loved her, and now you're ONLY FRIENDS so it's okay... BIG DIFFERENCE!

You are a very selfish man. If this is so innocent tell your wife, everything you told us. If she agrees this is acceptable then you are not considered cheating. But if you hide it (not completely open with your wife), what you are doing is called INFIDELITY. this hurts as much as if you were having SEX. because it is a dirty secret. Friendship my butt. YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR. get a grip, call a spade a spade.
You have a very twisted view of reality

This statement you made is precisely why you are not friends and you have an emotional attachment to her NOW (not in the passed)
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Being honest, I would have a far harder time not holding her hand.
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This is a Marriage Builders board for people who want to build better marriages. The principles taught here throughout this site are overcoming affairs. That is what we are all doing overcoming it. You can't overcome it until you can admit what it is. We do encourage a lot of wayward spouses but you are unwilling to take on that title. The first step is to admit you have a problem.

Here is So Crushed story:<p>So Crushed
Junior Member
Member # 17347
posted February 28, 2002 12:39 PM
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Hi,
I am sure glad I found this forum. I need some help. I found out for sure that my husband has been having an EA for a few months now. I became suspious when this person phone # should up on our cell phone bill, then the dufus used our credit card to call her while we were on vacation. I called her (she is married too, with two small kids), and she said what he did- they are just friends. Well I packed up our baby and I left. I am now staying in a hotel, with my toddler. I told both of them that I am NOT coming home until one of them leaves their job. Period. She said she would, because if my husband did it would create a big problem in the company, and alot of people would lose there jobs. They both swear it was innocent, but I told them if they were such good friends, why could we have not gotten together as "couples". No answer.
I hate everyone right now, and I am having serious trust factors with my husband. he swears it was nothing, and he wants me home. Too bad, I am not coming home until one is GONE. I am so angry how could he risk everything for a "friend"
My husband is very powerful in his job, and it comes with a very high income, so I will be OK financially. But emotionally I dont know how I will ever get over it. I never want to see him again, he disgusts me. I feel Like I never knew him at all. I read plan A and B, but I am not the kind of person that can do plan A. I dont believe that a grown person does not know how to behave, I believe they do know what is right and wrong and what they have done is just purely SELFISH. If my Husband robbed a bank he will have to pay that price, well he robbed me of my heart. So do I do plan B?? no communcating until she is gone?..at all? what do I do?? I am so crushed, he was suppose to love me the way i love him..why does this happen, I cant deal with this.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>mmseekingadvice...<p>or mmseekingvalidation?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is too funny Cali lol and I believe you have hit the nail or in this case the male right on the head. <p>You won't find validation here mister married man, This is a place for saving marriages not for finding ways to validate infidelity. I'll say a prayer for you tonight because it's quite evident that you really need it and then I'll say an extra one for your poor wife who has no clue how you are betraying her.

A married man and woman exchanging valentine's is ok? With other people than their spouses? Since when?<p>Sorry folks, but this reminds me of the woman who had the affair with the priest and shook everybody up by writing about it everyday. That was a hoax and maybe this is too?

A hoax?
I could come up with something better than this if I wanted to write about a hoax

I keep having this amusing vision of the OW sitting there like a "guarded" stump with you fawning and pawing her. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] It would seem silly if it weren't so sad.<p>You say:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My question is not to justify the past, but to ask about the future. If all the touching stops, what is wrong with being friends? <p> <hr></blockquote><p>What is wrong is that your attention to the woman diverts emotional energy from your marriage. She is a preoccupation that results in less time spent attending to your W's ENS. Try this. Every time you find yourself thinking of OW, go pay attention to your W instead. <p>Another thing that is wrong is that it would hurt your W if she knew how you feel about OW. If you doubt that, tell your W and see if she thinks it's not wrong. Tell you minister. Tell your kids. Tell your parents. See what they think. It really doesn't matter that we think your behavior is wrong. The only one whose opinion really matters is your W.<p>Estes

....because MM, 'friendship' with these kinds of women for you now is toxic. You are not capable at this time to truly create and maintain a true friendship. Crossing the line from friendship to lust has already been done. The next time will be even easier. <p>The A has been likened to a drug or alcohol dependancy. For one in withdrawal, a scent or thought of the addictive source could be enough to cause a breakdown. Therefore it is toxic. <p>Now what line of 'reasoning' can use you to talk your way out of that?<p>L.

Hi mmseekingadvice,
Hmmm... it sounds like you are a wayward spouse in withdrawal. It sounds to me like IF the OW was willing to open up to you, as you stated, then it WOULD have been a full-blown physical affair and probably still going on as you are in a business relationship.<p>So you wish to remain friends? In what capacity? Talking about your personal life? Not good. Here's why, according to Harley:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dr.Harley on Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity:
<strong>
Whenever I counsel someone who seems incurably attracted to the opposite sex, I give them the following rules to avoid temptation: 1) Spend all your recreational time either alone or with your spouse, 2) no meals alone with someone of the opposite sex, 3) no rides in cars alone with those of the opposite sex, 4) never tell someone of the opposite sex thay you find them attractive or that you like them and 5) if someone of the opposite sex ever tells you that they find you attractive, start talking about how much you love your spouse.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Maybe you believe you have not harmed your marriage nor your wife because you have not had sex with this woman, but you have already had the OW in bed with you through your own fantasies.<p>It's not about protecting your wife from the secrets you have that could hurt her right now, YOU ALREADY KNOW THEY WOULD. It's about protecting yourself from your own weaknesses. For one, stop lying to yourself, man. Just face the truth. Okay, so you believe that you can trust yourself to be friends with this woman, if so, then introduce her to your wife and all three of you go on an outing together.<p>I bet you didn't take the Valentine card she gave you home and put it on your desk? I also bet that you didn't shop for HER Valentine together with your wife?!? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Doubt that very seriously...<p>But you already knew that...<p>How to deal with ending your huge love busting behavior of dishonesty...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dr.Harley on Love Busters
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Finally, the fifth Love Buster, Dishonesty, causes massive Love Bank withdrawals whenever it's discovered. And spouses usually discover each other's dishonesty because of their emotional closeness to each other. If you or your spouse have a tendency to lie or distort the truth, you have little hope of maintaining your love for each other. <p>But dishonesty does more than ruin your love for each other -- it also prevents you from finding solutions to your problems. After all, how can you and your spouse solve a problem if your cards are not on the table. So I have posted two Q&A columns that encourage spouses to be completely honest with each other, Honesty and Openness (Part_1) and Honesty and Openness (Part 2). In these columns, I explain that honesty is essential in solving marital problems, meets a very important emotional need, and helps avoid one of the most destructive Love Busters.
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<hr></blockquote><p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>