I have been married to my wife for seven wonderful years! The problem is that they have not been wonderful for her. I have never physically or verbally abused her in any way, but have obviously neglected her in some way. I am a teacher and wrestling coach who also has family ties to a dairy farm among other things. I have run and run my whole life. she is past the point of loving me at this time, but says she still cares. We have a daughter and a son who we both adore. We are both in our 30's. She says that she is so stressed out. My questions are: If she is stressed out does this mean she still cares? Does anyone think I still have a chance at saving my most precious thing in life? I am willing to try anything! Tonight we are meeting with our pastor. She says only because it may help me get through this.<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: djohnson ]</p>

Welcome!<p>Of course there is always hope for saving your marriage.<p>It might be that the stress in itself is causing her to "feel" the way she does.<p>I myself went through a tough period of stress and thought that I had fallen out of love with my H. That wasn't really the case. Actually....I had just gotten so caught up in the stress that it made me "feel" like I didn't love him anymore.....just cared for him as a human being and the father of my children.<p>Stress can have very harmful effects on a marriage and life in general.<p>When you say your wife said that she was going only because it may help you get through this......exactly what did she mean by that?
Did she mean that it may help you get through this so that you could be happy together or apart?<p>Also....do you know exactly what it was that your wife thought you neglected to get her to this point?
Not saying that you caused this at all.....but being neglected in any sort of way...big or small can really add to the stress that may have already had.

I believe that she means that she wants to get me through this and be apart. This is not acceptable for me. I love her and adore her too much. I am to blame from where I sit now. I can only hope that I find out enough in some counseling to begin a long journey back to happiness! How close to devorce were you at any time? I am a person who does not know how to say no. I go, go, go! Bad choice. I am ready for help and change!<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: djohnson ]</p>

I was never close to actually asking my H for a divorce when I went through this. I did think about it.....but never to the point of asking.
We have been very close to the brink of divorce though.....another story altogether.<p>Do you really know that doing this so that you will be prepared to be apart is your w's purpose for going?<p>By the way....you are not to blame.
I learned this a long time ago.<p>You may have been neglecting her in some way.....but if you were....she should have said something to you about it so that you could acknowledge the fact and act upon it then....and not get to the point you are now.<p>Have you asked her if she feels that she has done everything that she possibly could to get her love back for you?
My H asked this....and it hit home with me....I knew that I hadn't andI knew that if I ended it that I would regret not doing everything that I could to get it back.....the always wondering if I could have done something more would have eaten me up. <p>Also....can she explain exactly what is stressing her out so much?

I will ask her tonight and get back to you on how it goes. I thank you for your time and energy. She did seek some counseling last year and I did not know it at first. I found out and asked what she was doing it for and she did tell me that it involved her feelings for me and her depression. She never did ask me to go with her and the counselor told her that this was he way I was and that I would never change.<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: djohnson ]<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: djohnson ]<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: djohnson ]</p>

Hi DJ,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in a vulnerable spot right now. Why do you think your W is acting like this? What is it that you are to blame carry for? <p>Please take a look at the basic concepts at the top and search under my name for a post a few days back about welcoming new ones. It has a long list of threads which acquaint you with the info here. Plan A vs Plan B. Books such as surviving an affair and his needs/her needs are very helpful There is also an emotional needs questionnaire that may be revealing. That questionnaire is locate in the concepts section at the top. <p>Read as much as you can then come back and let us know your thoughts. Also this is not the time to be making life changing decisions. <p>L.<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

I feel that I have neglected many emotional, romantic, and companionship type things in our relationship for the last many years. At our meeting with the Pastor last night, she stated that she did not want to even try anymore. What a hard thing to hear for me. I know that she really does feel this way and her mind is pretty made up, but I am going to continue to try. We decided that we would file together in the next week and still try some counseling during the next six months. Does this mean that I do have a glimmer of hope? I think so. If we are to make it, we will need to start all over and I am not sure that she is ready to do that. I am going to go to counseling with her and also seek some on my own too. I feel that if there was no chance at all for us, she would have made that very clear last night. She tried, but still decided to go back again. I am going to make every possible attempt to allow her to find pleasure in her life. I am hoping that after sixth months, with a little progress, we can continue to work toward a happy life together with our family. We are to meet next Thursday to fill out a assessment about our relationship. This will give me an idea about what needs to be worked on. I am scared that it will be a lot. I am ready to work!

djohnson,<p>The counselor and she are right you cannot change. But, what needs to be changed isn't YOU. What needs to be changed is your focus and your approach to things. The basic person you are is the one your W loved and married.<p>So when she mentions this, consider these comments.<p>Now if there is one thing I would recommend you do it is get a copy of His Needs Her Needs by Harley and read it. Ask your W if she would read it.<p>I don't mean that this should supplant counseling but I do think it will open both of your eyes. It will very likely start a dialogue between you. My suspicion is that the dialogue won't be the He/She stuff but rather the WHAT CAN I DO approach to things.<p>Further, if she is depressed it is very likely she needs anti-depressants for a period of time. They don't make you happy but they do take out the valleys and peaks.<p>It appears she is going to give you time. You may have to stop coaching, you may have to make other changes, but I get the impression you feel she is worth it. If so, go for it my man. One thing to realize is that you will survive, the other thing for her to realize is that do love her, but you realize you need to show it in different ways.<p>Getting going man, times a wasting. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,<p>JL

I read the Bacic Concepts and have ordered the Book His Needs Her Needs, two copies! I am planning to continue showing a positive attitude to my wife and hope that she really does open up to our Pastors counseling. Maybe some of her feelings will come back. I am also going to seek some counseling on my own. Does anyone think that all love for someone that once was there can just vanish? I hope not! I'm hoping she will one day find it again. Maybe after a little time she will come to the additional counseling with me. I also had another thought while sitting in my class today. I think that I give so much during the day to my teaching and others that I don't have anything left for my wife. I do okay with the kids, but she was left out. Now, I need a lot of practice learning how I can do this again. Does this make sence to anyone?<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: djohnson ]</p>

Today I am back at schol for the little kids wrestling tournament here. My wife is gone with the kids to Forest Lake. My daughter trains on the team there for gymnastics. My W. went out with some friends from work last night. I think that she came home around 3:30. She did not drive and I told her I was happy that she had an ok time. She did not say that it was great. My seven year old daughter is too smart to not notice things and has started to ask quetions. I'm sure everyone knows how she feels. I am staying pleasant and trying to be a little like my real self that has been hiding. I Pray a lot.
Wish me luck and thank you for any advice you may give me. I so want everything to go good for this family. In God's name I pray!

Hi I'm back at school to do parent teachers conferences. Boy do I love doing them. My attitude is not so great now either. A I stated the other day, I Purchased the Book His Needs, Her Needs. and think that I willlook for outside counseling on my own. I will share this with my wife at a later time. I think that if we start making some progress, I would like to do the marriage builders weekend in June or August. I guess June would be best. She may not want to try that though. Pray for me everyone, I am Praying as much as I can.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: djohnson ]</p>

Hi, I am back. I have scheduled an outside counseling session on my own. The book His Needs Her Needs, should be here any time I suppose. My W and I have shared some pleasantries in the morning and are still sleeping in the same bed. I guess that from my standpoint, if she did not care at all, she would have me out of the house. Am I right? We need to plan some things together a little bit at time. Learning how to communicate again and enjoy each others company is a hard thing. I feel that she fights against my efforts a little and this is why I know I need to move slow. Any suggetsions? I am still so scared that I feel sick all the time. Still desperate!

I'm still here. My wife went to play pool in her league last night and I had a small discussion with her before she left. I basically pressed her a little to make sure that she tried to let some counseling help us. She is just not to receptive yet. We go to fill out the assessment with our pastor on Thursday night. I don't think that our problems are something that he can handle. There is a man from our synod that is specially there to help in marriages. I want to take a look into his services and pray he can help. I am going to call him today. I also told my wife that I felt we should not put things on hold that we were planning to do. We were going to fix up the bathroom and kitchen and talked some about a little newer car for her to drive. She went off to pool and did not show up until 5:45 this am. I cried and thought the worst. She came in and said that she had been in the car in the garage. The car had been running. There is no chance of Co2 poisoning because there is only one door on the old building. She did not seem too drunk or anything. What could this mean? I was up and did not see here drive in. I also saw that the car was very warm.