It's been 4 weeks today since D-day #2. Things between my H and I seem better this time around. I'm extremely lucky to have such an understanding and forgiving H. We are in MC and have both read everything on inffidelity on this site which I discovered. There's only one problem. Even though I haven't had the urge to call the OM (no cotact since last D-day - ended very bad - he called my husband and told him of A), I have been having withdrawl symptons again. It was difficult the first week and then got better and now I'm feeling it again in our 4th week of recovery. Does it get better?? I really want to make my marriage work but sometimes I can't help my feelings of "what if" with OM. Any advice?? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] brianna_38@hotmail.com

Did you ever move beyond the fantasy phase of the relationship?<p>What my wife tries to do is to make a list of all his negative qualities and when she feels that longing, she will look at it. She knows that I love her more than he does because I was willing to sacrifice all for her. The OM left her because he could not trust her. He called her a liar. I never called my wife a liar. She has a serious problem with honesty and it is my love for her that lets me see past any faults that she may have and to love her any way. The OM was married and would not divorce his wife. He had an affair just after having a new baby, etc. Many negatives that she can look at when she feels a longing for that fantasy.<p>Your husband stood by you during this. Think of how much he loves you based on his capacity for forgiveness. Do you think the OM, who you know is an adulterer, would be as understanding?

I will help start the list of negatives Longing suggested.<p>trust issue 1) he called your husband and told him of A. <p>trust issue 2) he knowingly was seeing a married woman. what does that say of his views on marriage?<p>Read Talitha Cumi post to see what its like marrying OM

Try the behavioral therapy described in the book, Letting Go:<p>http://www.half.com/cat/buy/prod.cgi?cpid=753821<p>I used it during my divorce, and it really does help. One of the exercises the authors suggest is one that has already been suggested on this thread--they call it a Crime List. But there is lots more, and if you follow the program, it really works like they say it will.

It may take a few months or more to be completely free from withdrawal. Take the pressure off yourself. You are back in the M to try to come to a resolution, whether that is to go on or not. During withdrawal, many of us WS are completely unable to make firm decisions as to our future goals. When you put the pressure on yourself, that you SHOULD be able to make future decisions, then the thoughts of the OM can come back with more frequency and more strength.<p>Many of us WS became involved in the A for many reasons. Fantasy world (the A) kept us from so many things. It is difficult for us to come back to the real world because we have to DEAL with our issues and feel the pain. It would be so much more simple to run back into the world of fantasy.<p>So take the pressure off of yourself. You don't have to make the big decisions. They will come to you naturally as you work on yourself and the marriage. No one is forcing you to set permanent goals for the future. You're just being asked to clear your head and figure out what brought you to where you are today. Your future goals will come to you once you're able to stand up and look at your life with full strength. You will not be capable of building this strength while in withdrawal or especially if you fall back and contact the OP.<p>Also, keep in mind that during the healing process, you will be on a different road than your H. So, I strongly suggest that you start reading ("Torn Asunder", Harley's books, affair survival books, etc.) This gives you a good understanding of what you are feeling and gives you a good insight as to your H's feelings and emotions too. The books were very good in taking me to the understanding of how I got to "that place". <p>Take care. This is not easy. It is the hardest thing you will probably even encounter in your life. Don't pressure yourself into thinking you should be at a certain highway by now because you're still on the dirt road 5 miles away. It's okay.<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: Kim101 ]</p>

Brianna,
Hi! Yes, it is normal!!!!! I am in almost 5 months of recovery and something happened recently to trigger withdrawal. H and I figured out that after this long it was because I wasn't letting him meet one of my EN'S. So we talked about it and are now focusing on that.
You are NOT ALONE!!! Come here when you feel withdrawal, I did. Loof for those of us who are in your shoes, we can help you. Even if it is only to say, YEAH I KNOW!! BEEN THERE! DONE THAT! That can be tremendously helpful at times like these.
Just in case you haven't read my story, here it is! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . Talk to us, vent let it out, share with your H what you can, as far as what you are feeling, let him help you. It will only get better, that I am sure of! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]