Hi,
I am sure glad I found this forum. I need some help. I found out for sure that my husband has been having an EA for a few months now. I became suspious when this person phone # should up on our cell phone bill, then the dufus used our credit card to call her while we were on vacation. I called her (she is married too, with two small kids), and she said what he did- they are just friends. Well I packed up our baby and I left. I am now staying in a hotel, with my toddler. I told both of them that I am NOT coming home until one of them leaves their job. Period. She said she would, because if my husband did it would create a big problem in the company, and alot of people would lose there jobs. They both swear it was innocent, but I told them if they were such good friends, why could we have not gotten together as "couples". No answer.
I hate everyone right now, and I am having serious trust factors with my husband. he swears it was nothing, and he wants me home. Too bad, I am not coming home until one is GONE. I am so angry how could he risk everything for a "friend"
My husband is very powerful in his job, and it comes with a very high income, so I will be OK financially. But emotionally I dont know how I will ever get over it. I never want to see him again, he disgusts me. I feel Like I never knew him at all. I read plan A and B, but I am not the kind of person that can do plan A. I dont believe that a grown person does not know how to behave, I believe they do know what is right and wrong and what they have done is just purely SELFISH. If my Husband robbed a bank he will have to pay that price, well he robbed me of my heart. So do I do plan B?? no communcating until she is gone?..at all? what do I do?? I am so crushed, he was suppose to love me the way i love him..why does this happen, I cant deal with this.

If you can't do plan a, and can live with the possible consequences of plan B (divorce) then plan b may certainly be in order. I caution you to do it in an assertive manner. Love Must Be Tough is a book that is likely right up your alley. My guess is, based on your situation, that it may work. Both of you will likely need counseling as well. Your anger is natural but it won't help you to rebuild your marriage. It is also likely that your husband cannot comprehend just how you feel. We all wish they could but until they have been through it, they simply cannot do so.

SC --
It sounds as though your H is remorseful and willing to take the steps he needs to fix your marriage. That is really good news.<p>I personally think you're doing the right thing by having boundries -- and it sounds like OW is willing to leave her job.<p>Read about No Contact letters. This is something your H should be willing to do for you. You also need to think about how you feel about notifying OW husband. <p>There are sections to read on recovery, and on protecting each other.<p>You've found a great place for support!

I am so proud of you. Yes, you did the right thing. <p>Where you go from here, I am not sure, only you can answer that.<p>But don't make any hasty decisions - like divorce. <p>You definately can't start recovery until he has admitting it was something. he swears it was nothing?????<p>This is a good boundary: I told both of them that I am NOT coming home until one of them leaves their job. Period. <p>...She said she would, because if my husband did it would create a big problem in the company, and alot of people would lose there jobs. Gee how noble of her.<p>Don't count on her leaving. But stick to your boundary. If it will be a big problem in the company if he leaves and a lot of people lose their jobs - well bummer. He should've thought of that. Remember, you are not to blame IF those people lose their jobs - it was your H and this other woman's actions that caused it. <p>If it was nothing:
why would he call her while you are on vacation. <p>why is she willing to leave her job.<p>why could you have not gotten together as "couples". No answer.<p>How refreshing to see someone with this view: I dont believe that a grown person does not know how to behave, I believe they do know what is right and wrong and what they have done is just purely SELFISH. <p>Read Surviving an affair and Torn Assunder. There are a lot of good recovery steps to take but not until he admits it was an inappropriate relationship.

So Crushed,
I am a WH and my W has endured 3yrs of agony over an EA that in the end became a PA. I have learned from this site that different people have different tolerance levels. Some are just like you and some are like my W. I'm not sure that cutting all communication is the right thing to do this early. Maybe giving your H and the OW time to do what they need to do and you and your H discussing the "why's" of this situation and some counseling would be a path to consider. I agree even though I'm the WH that you need to set boundaries, too. I just think that there may be a middle ground between how you approach this and how my W did. Just some thoughts.
Brw [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Yes you did the right thing. I wish I could've done so. I told myself my H would never have sex with another & it must be EA. (right under my nose for MONTHS!!) I found out when he filed for D and our names were in the paper, that many strangers to me were aware of what was going on. But they wouldnt tell me before, though they knew who I was and where I was. They approached me after the filing & told me a whole lot of things that matched my original suspicions. There was lots of sex. And when he came home & we were intimate he was acting VERY different & afterward told me it was a mistake!! <p>I snooped in his pockets & saw receipts for things he bought her, I looked on the computer & saw 1 or 2 things before he got a laptop & started hiding things. He also started hiding $ statements after I saw some phone bills & got himself a phone card to call her!!<p>He recently filed dismissal, but I have not signed it yet. He has been a total jerk since I left him back into our house & does not even speak to me. He sleeps on the floor of our family room downstairs & refuses to come upstairs to sleep. He constantly barrages me with criticism or insults before the silent treatment. I quit cooking now. The house is a mess. He told me more than once he would refile & take the house from me or sell it. I am in hell. The last yr has been a rollercoaster that wont shut off. I take antidepressants now & there have been less tears but I still hurt.<p>I hope you know what it is you want and admire you for standing your ground. Dont trust him too soon. It will be a while before him & OW quit. Let him show you he is willing to go out of his way to apologize and make you trust him again. He must stop any late night dinners and long luncheon meetings. Gott go for now. Good luck.

Crushed,<p>Wow! Are you really angry!!! And, rightfully so, but I feel so much bitterness in your post. If your marriage is going to work, you're going to have let go of that.<p>I know it's new and still so painful (and truthfully I don't know if it will ever NOT be painful--it's been 14 months for me and so many questions and doubts plague me)and as I said, you have every right to be p*ssed and it's a normal response. <p>What I would ask you to do is start counseling with a good therapist to help you come to grips with this...maybe at this point individual would be best because it sounds like you might beat the crap out of your husband if he says anything! <p>What I mean, sweetie, is that for any chance of recovery to begin, you're going to have to deal with your anger. You can't recover your marriage if you harbor hate and resentment. Of course, this is the perfect place to vent those feelings and we'll cry with you. Cause we've all been there.<p>Yes, you probably did the right thing for NOW. The right thing may be different in a day or two. Divorce isn't about money, it's about the death of a marriage and while yours, like many of ours is ill, I don't think it's terminal. Your husband sounds like he will do anything to make you happy. Try to help him do that. Lots of love.<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

Thank you so much for all the replies. I know I sound so angry, but I just found out yesterday. I had a feeling something was up. But he denied it. and I believed him. My Husband is a real romantic, and he treats me for the most part just wonderful (slips up with job stress). The only thing I have ever asked of him was HONESTY & Fidelity, that was it. We all make mistakes, but come on. If you get caught, fess up. I feel like he tried to make me feel I was a nut case, imagining things, for what a "friendship". I really resent it. I am really forgiving, and not quick to get angry. BUT he knew how I felt about infidelity, and that it destroyed my last relationship (I left after X cheated). We have a child, why would he take such a risk? I did exactly what I told him I would do, if he ever cheated, BUT I told him I would be willing to work on our marriage when she or he left the job (It will not affect my husband to leave, we have a business, and this is just a contract they will lose...A very big one, he can easily take it else where) which he said he will do if she does not leave with in the week. She said she was leaving. But we will see. I am not going to turn the other way.
You know what I hate the most about this. I can never just relax in my marriage ever again. I never took anything for granted, I always took good care of my husband, and our child. I gave a 100% of myself. He keeps calling and asking me to come home. I told him no. I would come home when business is taken care of. Period.
I know someone said that divorce maybe the result of my "drastic" measures. But he will have to file it, or if he does not follow through then I have too. This is not what I want, But I really dont want to live the rest of my life with someone I cant trust. I am hard headed. but this was one thing I swore I would never endure that pain again, I went through pure hell, and self esteem issues with my last relationship. I cant do it again.
As far as her husband, I dont know what to do.
when I called her, this adorible little voice answered the phone. I am not vendictive, I would hate to be the cause of her little kids (4&6) to have a broken family. I know she mad bad choices, but I cant be the cause. Hopefully her Husband does some digging, when she quits. I did tell her That the next time she decided to be "friends" with a married man, she should make sure it is OK with his wife, because I just packed up and left, so she is now responsible for my child of not having his family. The NERVE, she said to me" well I am not in a great marriage, but I will do anything to make sure my daughters grow up with their father". I told her I thought I had a great marriage, but the sneaking "friendship", made it a marriage like her's, and that was not acceptable to me. Thank you all for listening, I love and I really miss my husband, but I dont want to sell my soul. I feel like if I give in and go home, he will figure oh "the last time I did this, she just left for a couple of days" and this behavior may repeat itself (can you tell I have a history of working with children?), and that is how he behaved.
last question (sorry so long) I agree that we will need counciling. we live in So. Cal (LA)
are their marriage builders counceling here?
I have a believe that marriage counceling should not be long term, but more like a work shop, that is what I like about the MB thing. Thanks again<p>[ February 28, 2002: Message edited by: So Crushed ]</p>

DidDallas,
I am lol, beat the crap out of my H, I am a little thing H is twice my weight and size.
I really am not violent (verbally or physically) I think I have a good emotional stabilty. But I am emotionally destroyed (my marriage is not what I thought it was). I agree I will need IC, because I am having issues (probably from past relationship). I am more concerned about depression. I have been on the computer all morning in a hotel room, while my toddler is throwing seseme street cookies all over the room, and I dont care. Baby is having a good time, I just need to stop crying.

Hi Crushed...<p>Glad you found this site and that you are here. It means that despite your situation, extreme anger, sadness and disappointment that you are willing to do what it takes to get your marriage back on track.
Keep reading and posting on this site, its going to really help you grow through this. <p>Just a couple things I would like to get you to think about. It sounds very much like you are making decisions right now out of your anger and that is a dangerous place to be. This EA that your husband is/was having is going to unravel and anger will have you chasing down every single rabbit hole you find. This is unproductive and is only going to frustrate you even more. If your husband is willing and wants to work this marriage out, that is the first huge step. You need to go home to him and start recovery. That means a no contact letter and yes a job change if necessary. If she is going great, but don't think that the job will stop anything. What will, is his escape from the fog and willingness to apply the same MB principles that you are. <p>Have you read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley? If not, I would recommend this for two reasons. First and most importantly, its going to help YOU recover from this. Secondly, it gives clear steps for how to start getting this marriage together. If your husband has come out of the fog and is willing to work...you are so far better than so many here! God is already blessing your efforts, but by making some pretty hefty demands out of the box and forcing issues, you could be doing more damage than good. Should the EA be exposed, YES, should he admit to it and come clean, OF COURSE...Now you need to go home with your child and start the very long road to recovery. There is a whole list of this things that can mess it up, and saying you won't come home until one of them quits is called a "selfish demand". Its a LB that should be avoided at all costs. <p>I pray that you just keep reading and posting! There are so many here who can help you through some really tough times...they have me and I know they will you too.