I have read here and heard from others that the best way to implement no contact is for my SO to write a letter to the OW, not to call or do it in person. Before reading here I had told him that I wanted to be there when he did it and I wanted it to be in person because I wanted to be sure she knew what was going on. I didn't and still don't really understand why the non direct approach.. Plus I was reading on another site and this is what I saw...<p>[The affair is over after you asked me to quit and made me write that letter to bimbo. Of course, I called her back the next day at work and told her it was your idea.]<p>What if...I just don't want this to happen, and I feel like if we are both there and she sees him with me as a united front telling her its over, it might have a better chance of going through her thick skull. Of course I know that even then she may not get it but I just think its better than a letter she'll think I coerced him into writing and that he doesn't really mean it anyway. <p>Plus, if you know my story you know there are two of them, and despite their feelings and what they said to me on dday (last Sunday) I know they both still want to be with him because one of them was still emailing and imming him to come see her, and the other dropped off his clothes from her house today and in them I found a letter she was hoping he'd find telling him she still loved him and if he ever needed anything.....I just wanna strangle them both.<p>All advice appreciated,
Bridgette

Just because the Harleys suggest a no contact LETTER, that doesn't mean that is the only way to do it. IMO, it is there to allow no contact immediately.<p>Doing the no contact in person is quite risquee. I'm surprised to hear that you want to be a part of that (but that's b/c I know if I were to meet face to face with one of my H's other womEn, I'd pummel them to the ground - especially OW#1).<p>The no contact letter is more for a sense of closure, for both the WS and the BS. And by no means does is guarantee any follow through by any of the parties involved (usually the OP and the WS).<p>In my situation, there were never any no contact letters written by my H. I sent some emails and made a few phone calls, but H was too embarrassed (?) to do it. At one point I got him agreeing to calling OW#1 (in my presence), but he backed out of it. My H is a true avoider. Always has been.. but I'm thankful that he is changing now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You cannot make your H do anything. You know that, right? You are only able to control your own actions, not his. <p>And should he choose to be an 'avoider', although that will make closure more difficult for you (ie longer), recovery can still happen.<p>Keep us posted on what happens. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

I guess I would characterize him as something of an "avoider" too. But his avoidance only makes me think he doesn't really want to give up his affairs. I've already met them both as they came to my job to inform me that they had found out about each other (explain to me how either of them could be mad when they both knew he lived with and had a family with someone else, but they feel cheated on...hows that for a laugh). So I don't think I'll hit either, I honestly think it will make me feel better to see them get the news that they are not who he chose (I know he's no prize right now, but he has been before and can be again, I think). And I know if I were them and he told me to my face with his g/f present that it was over I would leave him alone. I don't know though...<p>Bridgette [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Bumping
Really want you guys advice here..

My H never wrote a no contact letter.
I asked him to when we first started recovery.....but he refused saying that he thought it would make the situation worse. That it would give the OW a reason to contact him and this and that. <p>The real reason.......he was still in contact with her. <p>Now that we are in true recovery I don't even feel a need for him to have to write one. It's not a bother to me anymore. I know that they don't have contact and my H does everything that I need him to do to earn my trust back.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> [The affair is over after you asked me to quit and made me write that letter to bimbo. Of course, I called her back the next day at work and told her it was your idea.] <hr></blockquote><p>This happens in WAY too many cases.
That bad thing is.....it happens no matter how they handle the situation. Whether you are there with both of them, he writes a letter or calls on the phone with you listening.....he could still tell her it was all your idea and he just did it to make you happy.<p>Actually....until he is completely ready to work on the relationship.....ei....no contact and through withdrawl he won't be able to do anything you ask.....he's sometimes even likely to get angry over the things that you ask him to do.<p>When he is through withdrawl that has involved no contact whatsoever....that's when you will see a change. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I honestly think it will make me feel better to see them get the news that they are not who he chose <hr></blockquote><p>Will it really?
First of all....I'm speaking from the experiences I had with my H's OW.....this might not be how it is in your case.<p>I've found out in the last recent months that what I thought would make me better and help me heal......really doesn't. I'm not saying it won't work for you.....but we get these ideas of this and that....and really....what we need is something else. It kinda sounds like you want to be able to see their faces when he tells them and then be able to say....I WON I WON.
I did this.....didn't make me feel better.<p>WHY?<p>Because I got to thinking......how humiliated I was and could be again when or if it happens again. Guess who gets to rub that in my face? OW. I decided to just let it go....since I can't control what my H does anyway. He has since said that he WOULD write a no contact letter but at the point that we are at now....I think it would be a bad idea. From here on out....the OW is not my problem and I don't think about her like I used to. She isn't a threat to me anymore....she really never was now that I really think about it.<p>Guess what I'm saying is.....sometimes there are cases where there doesn't have to be a no contact letter written....as for me.....my H does all he needs to do to let me know that there is no contact and that he doesn't intend on making any contact.<p>I don't think that your BF is ready to take these steps.

some1s_mom,
My H did a "no contact" email to her and cc: all our friends and family. But I still didn't believe it. I thought - he could've been on the phone with her all night as the two of them thought what to say. There is no 1 thing that is going to regain trust. It is time and consistancy of seeing behaviorial changes in him that will regain trust. <p>Do the "no contact" anyway you want. Of course, you never know what your dealing with with OW. You never know what she might do - if she knows yall are meeting will she bring a gun... you just never know. Even if you did the no-contact in person, H can call her the next day or before hand and tell her this is just to appease my W. The good thing about a letter is it is a one-sided communication. She can't interrupt.<p>No, you can't trust OW. And even if they were truly gone out of your lives there is always another OW who doesn't mind being second. The bottom line is that your H change his behaviors.
Only time and consistancy on his part will help regain the trust. <p>sorry your here.