Today marks the 5-mo anniversary of D-Day and so far there has not been any real progress. Sure, W and I talk (sometimes), but besides a few fleeting moments of hope, things seem to be stagnant. I am growing very weary of this and wish that something would happen, either good or bad, so that I can make a final decision on where I want to go.<p>I think that is the hardest part of all of this, the waiting. In a way, I feel like the WS and am waiting for the BS to decide if they want me back or not. It really isnt fair, but there isnt anything I can do. I can not even file for a D until August, so even if we called the M quits right now, I couldn't even think about dating again. Not that I really want to, but the company of a lady sure would be nice. Nothing sexual, just someone to be with. Sure, my male friends are great, but having a lady friend to talk to would be even better.<p>But, by far, the worst thing about this is having to watch the kids suffer so much. It seems that they are all growing very bitter of their Mom. It hurts me to hear some of the things they say, but what can I do? W seems to have gotten all the control of this situation and there isnt much I can do. I don't want them to hate their Mom so I try and dispel their anger and fears, knowing darn well that there is a lot of truth in what they say. In a way I feel like I am lying to them.<p>I think what started all this was seeing 'Black Hawk Down" a few days ago. It sure brought back a lot of memories. I started thinking about how happy me, W and my oldest D's were when I got back home, how happy I was to be with my family again and how I never wanted to leave them like that again. Then I realized all that I have lost, all that has been taken away from me, and it hurts beyond anything I can explain. Maybe its just a phase, I've made it this far, sure I can keep on going, just seem to be running out of gas. Taking a break from this would be nice, but how can I do that?<p>Anyway, thanks for listening to me gripe.

lhs,<p>All I can tell you is it will get better. I've been there bud. It does get better.<p>"It" is your life. <p>
who

LHS,<p>I know that which you speak.....<p>I've been suffering for nearly 6 months now, still suffering from stagnation, fence sitting, vascilliation, and general numbness now.<p>I've been doing a very solid Plan A. Maybe too solid, because I feel like I've repressed a lot of anger. I'm probably too good at that. Just tonight, driving down the freeway, I started screaming - b*tch, w*ore, s*ut, etc. - had a vision of them together. Couldn't help it. This sure isn't healthy. Time to get out while I still have some gas left.<p>The sad thing is, I see so many stories of people here who have NOT succeeded in building something incredible. Even when they seem to have done so, there's so much risk there - of resumed contact or whatever - especially seems many WS's fail to make the real, honest changes necessary to heal and be real partners. It's days like today I have to really question the statistics... just reading the stories, it seems like there's far more failure than we BS would like to see or admit. And that just frustrates me. Makes me think about starting over - finding someone who I can "screen" more thoroughly, treat well, and be truly happy with, knowing that I gave my first M such a hard, hard effort to revive. But it takes two to tango.<p>But I also know I've got to end Plan A strong... keep going...<p>Think of it as a marathon... you're running along and the scenery looks pretty much the same as you go, but you are in fact getting closer to the finish - one way or another (thank God!).<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

LHS,<p> Man, do I know where you are coming from. Is there such a thing as a decent woman? Of course there is. There are many right here. It is a shame some of us don't live closer...and maybe best.<p> Yes, I have been having the same feelings as you. And sex has nothing to do with it. Just some female companionship with someone who enjoys spending quality time with me. <p> Yeah, the guys are great. Where would we be without our male friends? But we are missing so much more. <p> Stay strong LHS. Continue Plan A for now. You will get everything you deserve. Whether it be from current W, or eventually a new love. You have put in the work and one day you, me and everyone else will be happy again.<p> jd

LHS---<p>Been there for a year...I know what you mean...<p>It is very, very hard and it really, really sux.<p>E

Thanx all for the replies, misery does love company, doesn't it. Yesterday was a real down day for me, probably spent too much time thinking about our current situation. One thing that has really been bothering me is this nagging feeling that W is using me, stringing me along until she can make a decision on what she wants to do. And it is more than a feeling, some of the things that W has done and told me in the past seem to support this.<p>One of the worst things about all of this is W's continued contact with OM, it is just so disrepectful to me and the M. That in itself is going to put a huge roadblock in any recovery attempts. There are times when W lashes out at OM's W also, making it seem like it is her fault that W and OM are no longer together, that is a very sad situation. I also feel like I am the third wheel in all of this. I think that the times when W calls me is when BF cant talk to her and she needs to have some EN's met. Yes, I do feel like I am being used and it is starting to make me feel a lot of bitterness towards W.<p>So maybe it is time to pull the plug on this. I am tired of the one wanting to at least try and work things out and W is the one who keeps giving me the 'I love you, but I cant make any promises' line all the time. Yes, it does take two to tango, maybe I need to find another dance partner. Problem is, I am afraid that if I do go to a full-blown Plan B, W will use it as an excuse to end the M, but I guess that is her problem, not mine.<p>About the only positive I can think of right now is that W started counselling (finally) yesterday. Maybe after a few weeks she will start to come around. But then again, maybe this is exactly what she wants, she seems so happy and content with this current situation.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]