On February 2nd, my H told me he was going to move out for a while to figure out what he wanted (to be married to me or not). Since then he looked at a couple apartments, but hasn't found anything he likes. About two weeks ago, he told me he was going to be a man and do the right thing and end his R with the OW. He told me he was meeting her at 4 that afternoon. Well, he didn't get home until 1:30 a.m. He said he met her at her friends house and they took them out for dinner, etc. The next day he went out looking for apartments and when I came home I told him that I really thought he needed to find a place soon. He sounded surprised and asked why. I told him it was because I didn't believe his story (I know it doesn't take 9 hours to end a R). I started to cry and told him that this is really difficult for me, but I just cannot deal with his lies any longer. He started crying and told me that just because he was leaving, it doesn't mean our M is over, etc. I told him I just cannot get my hopes up any longer because I have done that many times before only to be let down again. Well, he still hasn't found a place to live. However, he now ignores me, snaps at me if I ask him a question and goes out at night constantly. The other night I asked him if he hated me because that is how he acted. He said he doesn't think he is acting any differently and he doesn't hate me. He said he can't understand why I don't hate him and thinks I am too nice. I just told him it is hard to hate a person you love so much. He said we just have to wait and see if this time apart will do anything for him. I believe that his moving out will mean they will spend more time together without having to account for his time to me. My friends told me I have been way too patient with him and that I should again ask him to leave tonight. I know I should do this because his being there is becoming so stressful to me that I am sick to my stomach every night and can't eat. I am so afraid, though, that if he leaves, he won't come back. I know he is planning on leaving anyway so it isn't like I am throwing him out. I just feel like he is dragging his feet and wants to have his cake and eat it too! That is not fair to me, though. For almost 5 months now I have continued to love him and attempted to make our marriage work. The couple times he said he wanted to work on our marriage and asked if I could forgive him, I did, without hesitation. Unfortunately, as soon as he gets back to work and sees her, he continues the A. Now, he doesn't talk to me much, doesn't touch me, doesn't ask how I'm doing, etc. It just keeps getting worse. My kids are suffering also and my 14 yr old daughter is suffering from depression (but my H says he doesn't think it is because of what is going on). <p>Do I tell him tonight that he needs to leave? I am so afraid and so confused I don't know what to do and don't want to make an irrational decision based on my emotional state. I have scheduled a telephone conference with Steve, but it isn't until March 11th. It hurts so much to know he is still seeing her. This just isn't the person I married. He was SO caring and thoughtful before. What do I do????? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 02, 2002: Message edited by: hurtandafraid ]</p>

Hurt,
How's your lovebank holding up...sounds pretty empty from that post...are you ready for B?<p>While it is scary, I also found it made me stronger...it gave me some control in a situation where I had none. Plus, I removed myself from the source of pain.<p>Did he move in with her?..sorta..he was certainly there most nights. Could he have left me forever..Yup. and that was hard to face. But I had gotten to the point where I realized I had to live in a respectful, honest environment...<p>So how do you feel about this? How would you feel if you entered Plan B and he moved in with her and not an apartment?
T

He is making excuses about not finding the right apt. I will locate the thread with plan B info and if you can ahold of the book "love must be tough" by James Dobson, you will find some ways to build your inner strength. <p>You can get through this. We have seem all the trailings of what you are going through. We can help you sustain until you get to talk with Steve. <p>I have to go to an appointment but will check back this afternoon. If you can research my name., there is a thread addressed to newbies, it has the plan B info there. <p>Read and absorb. You will be needing to do something but you must be in the right frame of mind first. <p>Hugz,
L.

I am not sure I am ready to implement Plan B, although I am not totally giving up that possibility. I would like to try and keep the lines of communication open a bit at first and then see how that goes.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> So how do you feel about this? How would you feel if you entered Plan B and he moved in with her and not an apartment? <hr></blockquote><p>I don't believe he could move in with her because she still lives with her husband and 14 year old daughter. <p>I do think,though, that when he gets home tonight I am going to tell him he needs to leave soon because I can't handle any more emotionally and because I don't believe he should stay here while he is seeing her too. He seems to have made a choice to continue his A, and it is not fair to me for him to continue to treat me in this way. He swears he doesn't want to hurt me any longer, but then continues to in this way. <p>I will post an update later tonight after I have talked to him. I am going to try and do it in a way that doesn't LB (I am not someone who yells and screams anyway so I should be able to do it in a way that makes he know I still love him very much, but I need to start setting some boundaries). I have to tell him that I need to start thinking about myself (because it is obvious he isn't right now). My children are also caught in this state of limbo too and it really is affecting them.<p>Thanks for helping me and giving me some moral support right now. I am so nervous about all of this.

Well, my H ended up coming home 2 hours late tonight. I confronted him and told him he needs to find an apartment soon. He asked why and I said that I know he is still seeing OW. He wanted to know how I knew, but I told him I just suspect he is. I told him I could tell by his behavior because he has acted the same way before when he was seeing her. He denied it all, but I have proof (which I couldn't reveal to him) that he is still contacting her. He just won't admit it. He said he was looking at a place tomorrow and would try to find something soon. He also said he is meeting some "guys" from work tomorrow night. I don't believe that, though. I know the place he is going she has gone to before. I told him that throughout all of this for the last 5 months, no matter how much he has hurt me, I have continued to love him and treat him good. I felt I deserve the same courtesy. I told him I would not bring up the R any longer, he knows exactly how I feel. I told him I need to think about me now (since he isn't) and try to make myself stronger and I just cannot do that when he is here knowing that the OW is on his mind and with him withdrawing from me so much. I took my son out for dinner tonight (my teenaged daughter wouldn't go-she is very depressed right now). We talked about what was going on and he said he was upset that his dad is never home any more and that he thinks he has been mean. I told him to tell his dad that because he needs to know. When my H got home, he told him. He didn't think he was acting mean to him. Now he is trying to make it up to my son by playing video games with him. He doesn't realize how much kids see everything that is going on. I hope he comes out of his fog before he loses them!

dear hurtandafraid,<p> Do you have any idea if the OW H knows about this A she is having w/ your H? From everything I have read here, an A usually doesn't last too long once it hits the light of day. Him becoming aware of his wifes behavior would really bring it all into the light of day, would it not? <p> I would like to ask others here about what they think about this, whether or not informing the OW H could be a good idea or not. I know that it would be major LB, but is it better to be a conspirator in hiding the truth to another BS?There might be pressure from her H to end the A with your H if he knew. Is it our responsibility the inform all involved to the truth of the matter? I would like to know...

Hi Firefly:<p>From what I understand, she does not have a R with her H (at least that is what she tells my H). She has been trying to get him to move out, but he won't. So if that is the case, he probably wouldn't care what she is doing. I am not sure I could contact him anyway. For one, I don't know his name and I don't know exactly where they live (and it is probably better that way). I do know it is somewhere near where they work. Unfortunately, one of the apartments my H is looking at today in near his work too, so that will mean they will live near each other!!! It just keeps getting worse!! What I need to determine is how to handle telling him I absolutely oppose him seeing her at any of the times he has our children for visits. Right now he denies having any R with her. I guess I'll just have to trust him because I certainly don't want to put my children in the middle and have to ask them if their father had any visitors, etc. That is the last thing they need and I would never expect them to be spies against their own father, but I do think it would be inappropriate for him to see her when they are with him. <p>Well, thanks again for all your help and support.

Well, just an update. My H found an apartment today. He is moving in two weeks. He called me on his way home to tell me about it. Unfortunately, it is right near where he works and coincidentally, the OW lives about a mile from there. I couldn't say a thing. Even though I knew this day was coming and in some way I needed it to happen soon because the stress is killing me, I am devastated now that he has actually found a place. He asked if I was okay and I just said I'll be okay. When he came home, I just went to the basement because I was crying. He came down and saw me and hugged me and asked if I was okay again. I told him it is really hard to know that this may be the end of everything for us. He said not to think like that because it isn't necessarily true. He said he is thinking positively. Of course, he is, he is able to spend time with "her", while I am home with our children by myself. I told him I have had nothing positive happen in 5 months, how could I possibly feel positive. He said he knew, but said it doesn't mean it is over. I just can't get my hopes up. Even tonight, he is going out with the "guys" from work. Every time he has done that in the past, she was there too. Yet I am supposed to think positive. Am I ever going to stop wondering if he is with her every night. I feel like the thought of that happening is going to make me crazy. At least while he is here, I know he is not with her. How do you allow yourself not to worry about it, but think about becoming a stronger person yourself. I just cannot stand the thought of them together! Does that ever go away?

You said, "I just cannot stand the thought of them together. Does this ever go away?"<p>It does. I promise. But you are nowhere near that point. Five months is nothing into this. I know your pain, really, I do. <p>My husband moved out two weeks after his affair was discovered. I was so devastated, freaked out, full of rage and hurt. It broke my heart for my children (ages 4 and 18 months at the time). I kept thinking about him with her. I also thought about how my kids wouldn't remember their Dad living with them.<p>Everyone used to say to me "focus on YOU right now". THAT IS SOOOO HARD in the midst of this pain. You are in crisis. What has happened to you is totally traumatic. BUT, you are going to get through it, I promise. It just takes time. <p>I loved my husband so much too! Once you get a little further into this you WILL see that you deserve more and much better. You are going to be fine. Again, I am so, so sorry.<p>Love,
BB

Thanks BB for help. I am so sorry you had to go through that with such young children. I couldn't imagine how hard it is for children that young. My children are 11 and 13. My 13 year old daughter has become very depressed and I am taking her to the doctor next week to hopefully get her on an anti-depressant. She won't come out of her room and is extremely angry at everyone. My son, on the other hand, is trying to take over caring for me. My H just left to meet his friends (and I suspect the OW too) and I just panicked. I called him on his cell phone crying. I know that is absolutely the wrong thing to do because he only gets angry. I just can't control it. I am SO devastated. He told me he would talk to me in the morning, but then he leaves for a business trip for 2 days. I came out of my room and my son saw me and asked if I was okay. I just told him I was upset because daddy was leaving and I was going to miss him because I love him so much. He hugged me and said he was going to too and that he was scared. He runs around getting things for me, he knows I have been sick today so he comes in and covers me up with the blanket. He is just so adorable and he really keeps me going. I try not to let him see me when I'm really upset, but I think he is old enough to know that I love his father and I want our marriage to work more than anything. I think it helps him talk about what he is feeling when I talk about how I am feeling also. I am really trying, but we have been married for 16 years and this is all I know. I was happy with our life and I hate that I know have to get used to a whole new life. Thanks again, and best wishes to you and your children. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hurtandafraid,
I know all of what you are going through. My ex used to come to the house to pick up some things, then leave to go be with the OW. I would immediately start calling his cell phone. He knew I was calling and sometimes he just refused to answer (which always sent me into a tailspin). But when he DID answer, I would cry, scream, whatever. In order to get me off of the phone he would say, "Let's talk about this tomorrow." That always made it worse for me because he was basically telling me that he had no time for me and that the OW was more important than his wife and kids. For about a year, that was exactly the case. <p>Just remember, he's in another world right now. Eventually reality will set in and it won't be pretty for them when it does. <p>I'm thinking of you.<p>Love,
BB

<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: hurtandafraid ]</p>