I am 10 wks in and I am trying to get my WS to communicate a little more so I have an idea of what is going on with her. Following is a letter that I want to send to her. It is an attempt to back door some info out of her and maybe spark some dialogue. Ofcourse I am an avid MBer and she knows it. She has read some of the concepts just so she would understand what the hell I am talking about so there are some references. She has not been totally closed off. Through e-mail she has told me why this A happened. I even posted them here to get help with a response. that is as much detail as I have time for so here it goes, I should note we are getting along good. She knows either way she needs us to remain friends.<p>Hey, How are you? In an attempt for things like this to go unsaid because that is the way I have always approached it I am going to take a wack at this. I have an appreciation for you that generally goes unsaid. For 2 months after you told me that you were in love with someone else I took upon myself to understand what it was like to handle everything possible. It was hard. This I understand is what it is like for you when I am gone, and to a certain extent Thursday nights. It is funny, the comment that I made to you last night was off handed, I did not think. But the fact that you thought about it enough to mention it to me this morning tells me that it had more than an effect than an off handed remark would. I am sorry. <p>One of the things I am struggling with is the ability to share my deepest thoughts and feelings. What makes me mad, and what makes me feel good. I am struggling with this - how do I tell you how I feel. It is new ground for me. Can I do it without "Love Busting" ? I dont know. In trying to become the person I want to be, being able to do this is a big part of it so, one step at a time. Writing it, means admitting it, which I am hoping is a step. Hopefully through some counseling I can figure it out. <p>So that is where I am at, let me take a crack at you. I want to understand what makes you tick. To understand your EN's and create habits that fulfill them. It is part of the reason I started these "one a days". To simply take 15 minutes out of my day to let you know what is going on and that I love you. One of my goals is to try and figure out how I missed your signals so bad. How you could of been so unhappy without me knowing. That I did not have the ability to take sparse information and put it together. I have been doing a lot of research on this, no matter what happens I dont want this to happen to me again right? So with everything I learned so far here is an attempt to gage you. So happy reading and dont try and laugh too hard.<p>You are still embroiled in an emotional affair with him. Contact has been relegated to work because you have respect for my feelings in that regard. (I forgot about that one, I did share that one time) However it is still strong, and I think it is one of the reasons you are increasing your time there (although new boss has to be a big part of it also) . The time that you communicate and share still fulfills you and your needs. The physical part of your affair is diminished, I am not positive about this but from what I know about your character, Quickies during the middle of the day are not your style. As for me you are still confused about what to do about me. I did not leave like you expected so now you are forced to deal with me. And not just the person you thought you knew but this person who is showing things that you never knew was possible. You tell me you love me out of respect or guilt I am not sure which, although you do not actually feel it. (Of everything I appreciate this the most) You do not hate me, in fact you are counting on us being life long friends because of the bond we share in our children. You told me I am a little above average on my plan a. I take this to mean that I am taking positive steps in regard to making me a better person in general. Not that plan a is instilling any feelings of love for me but atleast you appreciate the effort I have in the areas that directly effect you. The kids, the house etc. The attempts like the cards I sent you you do not appreciate, they probably made you feel a little uncomfortable. Although it was intriguing to put the clues together to find out what I had planned. Any talk of committment to affection, conversation etc. is not welcomed at this point. The date itself you had the courtesy to go through with it because of the respect for each other that we do have. It would be vindictive to not atleast recognize the effort, by trait you are not a vindictive person. The pressure was off when I told you that your dad would be there also. You did not have a BAD time. You are not interested in me fulfilling any need for affection or conversation at this point.<p>Any conversation with me about our situation is still difficult. You feel anxious any time it is brought up, this keeps you from ever initiating a conversation about it. Any information shared would have to be initiated by me, and since you feel anxious about it, dealt with in a defensive manner. When I approached you about you wearing your ring you became defensive, like I was stupid for not knowing or even asking about it, from that I get that your ring is a symbol of our love and committment to each other and right now you have neither. Not communicating and being cordial allows for maintaining the status quo. To buy time, to allow for more information to come in so that you can be lead to a decision on what to do next. Right now you are content with just talking to him about it, to share you inner thoughts, feelings, struggles with someone that understands, who is going through the same thing. Neither of you are convinced that ending your marriage is the right thing to do at this point, you are relying on each other to help you through the "process". <p>You have stopped seeing the counselor, I dont see you talking much with your friends. You say that are situation is like a "cliche" but you dont read the end of the book to find out what generally happens. Any input from outside your union with him is not welcomed at this point. You feel that you have to get along in the "process" before you can do that. You told me "you want to want to" but I think that was your head talking and not your heart. You are not taking any steps your head tells you how to get there. That is why any input from outside is uncomfortable, as outsiders we can only see the facts which influence the head, not the heart. You have told me that seperation will get you along in the "process" . You have metioned it numerous times you felt the need to seperate, to find yourself, to find out what makes you happy. To finally do something that was not for someone else. Seperating will give you the freedom to do that. You are not sure if leaving me for him or a new life is the right thing to do. You see the same facts as the outsiders do. You are balancing the facts against the feelings that are in your heart. Outsiders do not have that luxury, therefore in your eyes they are not much help to you at this point.<p>In regard to me, generally you feel uncomfortable around me. When I go out of town you have to balance those feelings versus the extra burden you take on by handling the household by yourself. You are not interested in my feelings about your affair. Feelings like betrayal, or rejection when expressed by me can only trigger guilt or anxiousness in you. You are content in the fact that I love you and that I will be there for you if you choose that road. Over time you have de-personalized me and my feelings in allowing yourself to finally do something that is for you, that makes you happy no matter the consequences. Therefore any attempt of me to share my thoughts brings up the barrier of anxiousness. When I see this hurt I retreat. This allows you to maintain your "de-personalization" of me. Which allows you more time, which you need to get through the "process".<p>How did I do? Remember this was an exercise for me to try and understand you , these are all assumptions that I am making based on the information that I have, I could be way off! You cant go from not being able to read someone at all to being able to read them like a book overnight. Like Tom Cruise said "Help Me, Help You!" (good movie) Tell me if I am off, that I read too much or not enough into it. That I concentrated on these facts too much when others where truly the significant ones. <p>I wish I had the time to make this all grammatically correct and not so jumbled but you get the point. I love you Kath and I am going off the premise that your are going to get through the process and want to work on our marriage. Plan a is a head start for me to make it all the easier when it happens. If it doesn't, then it still makes me a better person by trying to figure out how to make a relationship work. Can you imagine the poor women that dared to cross my path in the future. What I would put her through now that I know all this. I always wanted a tattoo, maybe I will get the EN Questionaire tattoed on my [censored] so I never forget.<p>I love You
