I am the married man who has had posts "Wrong" and "Friends,' and in one of them a person suggested that I may be in withdrawl. I believe that person is perceptive.<p>I gave this some thought last night. If I graphed my involvement with this woman it would look like a mountain -- starting low and then building to a peak and now coming down to perhaps a hill. In October, I thought about this woman at least 15 hours a day. I was consumed with thoughts of her, wondering how she was doing, what she was doing, thinking of when I could talk with her. All those unrealistic, juvenile things.<p>Then I started to change. My heart ached a bit, but I got better. I realize that I clung to this woman because I am working in an office all alone for the duration of the project and she wasa my lifeline in a sense. I liked her, but I was also scared of the project and believed somehow that with her by my side, all would be well.<p>Now, the project is due to end in four weeks and I will go back to the main office and be around all my co-workers.<p>People have mentioned to me that I should stop thinking about what is in this woman's mind and concentrate on my actions. Very good point.<p>My question for today is this: If I view her as a friend, a friend that I have no expectations of it developing into anything more than that, can it work? <p>I am not exactly sure what is in her mind, and as you have all told me, it does not matter. I do not control her mind.<p>I like this lady, and feel I have made a friend. Just a friend.<p>Will this work?<p>Ask me questions, pummel me if need be!

This statement you made is precisely why you are not capable of being friends and you have an emotional attachment to her NOW (not in the passed)
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Being honest, I would have a far harder time not holding her hand.
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This is a Marriage Builders site. Instead of asking how you can somehow continue to be in this woman's life, why not ask how you can affair proof your marriage.

Nope.<p>Look at how much time you have spent just writing about her. <p>Will you PLEASE answer this question? Will you invite your wife to read your posts?

mmseekingadvice: is the sky green?<p>MB replys: no the sky is not green.<p>mmseekingadvice: are you sure the sky is not green?<p>MB replys: no the sky is not green.<p>mmseekingadvice: When I looked the other day, the sky looked green?<p>MB replys: no the sky is not green.<p>mmseekingadvice: Just check, I really think
the sky is green?<p>MB replys: no the sky is not green.<p>mmseekingadvice: Can I make the sky green?<p>MB replys: no the sky is not green.<p>mmseekingadvice: If I stand on one foot and cross my eyes then would the sky green?<p>MB replys: no the sky is not green.<p>mmseekingadvice: If I can convince one person the sky is green, will it be green then?<p>MB replys: no the sky is not green.<p>
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I hope one day you see how pretty the blue sky is and you will no longer want it to be green.

smog just makes it look green. pray for a wind...hg

By the way, the sky is green. It only looks blue because of the way the light is bent.

can it work? <p>Nope.<p>I like this lady, and feel I have made a friend. Just a friend.<p>Will this work?<p>You did not make a friend. You had an affair. This woman can never really be your friend again. You have broken a boundary that can never replaced. There are women that I have had relationships with in my earlier years (where they were friends first) that I simply cannot be friends with now. Regardless of the relationship, I have thoughts of them that are innapropriate if I were to see them. You can never see this woman again or talk to her if you want to have an truly intimate relationship with your wife.<p>You violated the sanctity of your marriage. You have betrayed the one person in your life that trusts you more than anyone else. You have sinned against your wife in a manner that hurts worse than any other.<p>Lastly, YOU MUST TELL YOUR WIFE. YOU HAVE LIED TO HER BY OMMISSION. SHOW HER SOME $#*%^ RESPECT AND TELL HER THE TRUTH.<p>Consider yourself pummeled.<p>[ March 01, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

Have you read the articles on ending an affair and the withdrawal process on this site? They are excellent.<p>There are also a lot of good articles on the web about relationship withdrawal. Just type in the key words in the search engine and you should be able to find them.<p>In reading your posts, it is evident that you are in denial. You are unwilling to let go of the "high, the excitment the rush" that this involvement provided you. Until you have dealt with your feelings, your actions, etc., it's not in you to be "just friends" with this woman.<p>Re-direct your energy to working on you, on what made you seek companionship, intimacy, etc., outside of your marriage.

Can't answer the question? I know it's been asked numerous times.<p>Will you invite your wife to read your posts?
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I know you cannot see where you are right now. I was there, I know. You can't make a decision to spite your face. <p>One thing you should do, before making your big future decisions is look at the past first. There is a commitment that you made to someone way back - your wife. So, before going off to other ventures - resolve that first.<p>You end the A for say, 6 months to a year, you cannot do this in only 2 or 3 months. It is just impossible. Okay, now, all you tell yourself is that you will resolve your M. This is not a promise to REBUILD, it is a promise to RESOLVE.<p>What this means is that you clear your head (by NO CONTACT with the OW) and you see how you feel after the period of time you have allowed yourself. In the meantime, yes, it would be in the best interest of YOURSELF and your W that she be told. Tell her that you stopped yourself before things were taken too far. Tell her that something is severely wrong in your M and you are telling her so that the two of you can find out what the problem is.<p>Then, I would hope that you both would go to MC. They will be able to direct you to the problem. There is no promise being made here. If the worst comes to worse, you will be able to carry with you, that you did the right thing by resolving your commitment. You will know that you and your W tried, but you parted in separate ways amicably.<p>Withdrawal is exactly what it means when you are on an addictive drug. You don't think clearly, you can't make decisions, you cannot see what is right or wrong. It also hurts like heck when you stop the drug (the OW). Just the sight of her, the sound of her voice, or even a note or email, gives you a fix and can drag you right back in. I'm not kidding. This is hard core facts.<p>So, take the pressure off of where you are in your thoughts right now. You cannot say - right here today - that I want my W and NO OTHER WOMAN. Okay, we get that. So don't make that decision today. Make the decision to RESOLVE the commitment you've already made. If the M doesn't work at the end of the time period you've set-up, then you are free to D and pursue whomever you want to. <p>You know that deep down inside, we all hope that if you are home long enough, that your head will clear and you will want your M. But, it just might not, so take the pressure off right now and then your future decisions can come later.<p>Good luck!

No, I will not invite my wife to read these posts. But I do appreciate the help you all have given me, good things to contemplatet

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>No, I will not invite my wife to read these posts. But I do appreciate the help you all have given me, good things to contemplatet</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Then you know what you did and what you are doing is wrong. Nothing further ever need be said on this subject.<p>If you must hide what you do from your spouse, then you should not be doing it.<p>I have only been posting here for two months now but I have to say that this is the worst case of denial and "fog" that I have ever seen. Now I know a bit of what my own wife went through when she tried to justify maintaining contact with the man she was lusting over. She risked her job, her house, her marriage, her relationship with friends and family; everything during the fog. Now that she is no longer "blinded" to it (her words, she can't believe she allowed herself to do many of the things that she did.<p>It absolutely is an addiction. One she risked all for to keep getting her fix. You seem to be doing the same.<p>The denial you are showing is rediculous. NO MAN would rationalize in the manner you have to maintain a platonic relationship with another MAN. Good grief man, examine your own behavior. You would not act this way over a friendship with a man.

MM,<p>Would you tell us a little about your W? What attracted you to her in the first place? What are her strong points? How does she make a comfortable home for you? What interests do the two of you share? What about her makes you proud of her? Did you share your fear of failure at this project with her? Is she supportive of you?<p>BTW, does she know about your earlier affair? How did she deal with it?<p>Let us hear some good things about your lady.<p>Estes<p>PS: MB believes that the BS can play a supportive role is helping the WS through withdrawal. But you have to be honest with her about your feelings of loss in order for her to really help.

My wife is great, in every way. I know this makes no sense. Many of the OW qualities are not qualities I would select if I was looking for a wife. <p>My wife has done nothing wrong, nothing to drive me away at all. The weakness is in me, the flaw is personal.<p>I can't explain this logically. Even as I type these words it seems absurd.

I do not know if you are a religious, MM. If you are not, this will not have meaning to you. According to Christian theology, what you are proposing is wrong. According to Dr. Harley who has seen hundreds of similar situations, it is wrong. According to the opinions of many people who know infidelity first-hand, it is wrong. According to the distress you are feeling in this situation, it is wrong. <p>I don't know what other evidence you need. As a final test, consider your parents, your children, your close friends, your minister, and most of all your wife. Would they think there was anything wrong with your relationship with this woman? Are you willing to tell them the truth about what has gone on between the two of you? If you cannot answer a resounding YES! to this last question, maybe this really, really is wrong. This situation will become what you make of it. If it is not wrong, you will feel good about your choice.<p>Estes

"just a friend" You don't get what this site is about, do you. you need to read the basics.<p>every time the ws has been busted by me for having contact my ws says "we are just friends"<p>no contact means just that, NO CONTACT. i would bet that everytime you have contact w/ ow your W can tell. it doesn't sound to me like you being honest with yourself. which in turn casuses you W pain.

Please answer this. EXACTLY why will you not invite your wife to view these posts? Also you did not answer a previous question, does your wife know about your previous affair? Paul Harvey always says "and that is the REST of the story". Something just does not ring true with the very limited info you have given us, somewhere in you is the REST of the story! It is safe here, just spill your guts. I saw a post on another site, where a former wayward husband told his wife that what he was doing when he had his EA was "emotional masturbation". I am not saying this to put you down, I just wanted to throw some thoughts out there. I am a BS and your posts have triggered pain in me bigtime, but you have given me insight into my own H`s behaviors that I could not have gotten without reading your posts. Also I need to say one thing more. When my H has problems with weakness for other women, I always instinctively know that something is going on, trust me, there is a very good chance that on some level your wife already knows. Also your OW is just as guilty as you are. You are very fortunate that SHE is not your wife, you already know that whenever she is alone with a man that she will allow them to hold her in there arms, stroke her hair, touch her cheek, kiss her, but not get emtionally involved. She allowed this, did not protest, it sounds like she may get some perverse pleasure out of watching you chase her. I am sure she will move on to the next weak man soon. Be careful of this OW, something odd is happening there.

I have an idea. HOw about if you take all of the time and energy you've poured into this non-existent 'relationship' and put it into your marriage? I'm sure you'll be well rewarded. But I DO feel that you'll never have a real marriage until you confess to your wife. She deserves to know the truth about the man she's giving her life to.