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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 47
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I really can't put my finger on why. Two years after the fact I still have days like this. I can deal with that and thank goodness the pain is usually gone the next day.<p>I haven't told my whole story here (I'm riff-raff from the Redbook board), just a bit of it. I think it will help to get it out again.<p>OK, I met my ex husband in 1989. We were friends for a year, dated for a year, broke up for a year, got back together in 1992. Moved to California with him in 1993, got engaged in 1994, married in 1995. It was a great relationship until we got married.<p>Both of us wanted to have a child right away. So exactly a year and one week after we were married, our first child arrived. I became a stay at home mom (we had both agreed on this). <p>About six months into our marriage, my husband began distancing himself. He worked long hours. When he was at home he didn't want to do anything with me. He usually just ate his dinner, watched tv and went straight to bed. Whenever I tried to talk to him about this he would tell me that he loved me so much, he was just really tired.<p>Even before our daughter was born he resented helping me. At one point, I told him I thought I should leave him. He talked me out of it. Said I was the most important person in his life nad that he wanted this marriage. So, I was supportive of him and since he was working so hard for us, I let a lot of his behavior slide. <p>He stopped having sex with me 6 months into my first pregnancy and didn't touch me again until she was five months old. I became extremely ashamed. He didn't like that my body had changed. It wasn't until I lost all of the weight from pregancy that he was interested in me again. And then, I got pregnant again. This time, 4 months into the pregancy he wouldn't touch me. It wasn't until she was 8 months old that he could come near me. And then, it took an enormous amount of effort on his part. I felt terrible.<p>He told me that my attitude was bad and that if I didn't shape up he was going to leave me. So what did I do? Everything to change myself. I stopped complaining, stopped asking him for anything. I did what I could to make his life easier and happier. And, he agreed that things were better. He said he loved me, seemed more considerate and told me he was happy.<p>Life seemed really good. We had just bought our first house with the birth of the second child, his career was going well, we joined a church that we really liked, had dinner parties etc... The typical suburban family type stuff. I thought I was perfectly content.<p>On our 5th wedding anniversary (April 2000) he didn't give me anything, spent the entire day on his motorcyle and walked into the house in the late afternoon to tell me he was unhappy and didn't think we were going to make it. I completely fell apart. The first question I asked was "Are you having an affair?" Of course he said no. Well, the next day I found out the truth. She was a co-worker. He had known her for two months and the affair was one month old. He said he never loved me, had never had a meaningful conversation with me, and that he didn't even like being with me. I begged him to stay and work it out but there was no discussion about recovering or trying. Just talk about separation and divorce.<p>Two weeks later, he moved out. Went straight to her apartment (They are no longer together) and has never come back. My children were 4 and 18months old when he left.<p>We are divorced now. For some reason, my heart is breaking today over the whole mess.<p>There's more to the story, ie: what I went through after he left but I don't have the energy to get into it. Just the normal craziness, sadness and depression.<p>Oh well. Thanks for listening to me babble.<p>Love,
BB

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Hi BB, and Big {{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}} to you.<p>I know what you mean about the sadness at the strangest times... my kids and I have not even heard from my ex in over 5 years, and for some reason today his step-sister (who has also been out of contact with us for the same amount of time) called me out of the blue. Hi blah blah blah.....I miss you and the kids, blah blah blah.... oh I got evicted, can you spare some cash?!!!!! Yeah right, her brother has not paid a cent in child support in 5 years, I am back in school and have student loans up the wazoo to make a better future for my kids, and she wants a loan.......she did not even know that my father had died 2 years ago. Arrrrggg
Anyway, enough of my vent, I was just trying to let you know that these things happen every once in a while, and in time they become less of a dagger and more of a pinprick, and eventually they just become an annoying itch that goes away quickly. Just love yourself love your children and love those who willingly return it.... more hugs to you {{{{{{{{{BB}}}}}}}}

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Hey BB, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Girlfriend! you shouldn't be down, you should be CELEBRATING! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know it hurts sometimes. But you're an amazing woman, Bright, you deserve so much more. Tomorrow is a new day! Do a little something nice just for you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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Hi BurningBright,<p>I read your story, and I hurt for you. Your H is a fool and probably still in his FOG. <p>I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt and anguish, I know what you're going thru, just weighs on you, and some days worse than others. <p>You have two beautiful babies, and you're a lovely person who deserves to be loved and cherished. Please know that God is watching over you and your children. He is also working on your H, and one day your H will realize what he has given up for a life of uncertainty. <p>I hope you'll feel better this week-end, and every day after will get better and better for you. That you'll soon experience true Joy again, and derive happiness from knowing you're good, decent and loving person. One day someone will be fortunate to have you as their spouse and appreciate you for you, all of you. <p>Prayers for you and your children.
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Lyndy, DWW and Resiliant,<p>Thanks! It's a new day and I really DO feel better. After two years of this I know that's always the case. The key for me is to sit tight, put my energy into something productive and wait for it to pass. <p>Last night when my ex called, from his ski vacation in the Canadian Rockies, to speak to the children, I freaked out on him for a couple of minutes. Not the right thing to do but, hell, it just happens sometimes. Whenever he is away on a trip indulging himself I tend to get a little bent out of shape. Especially when it's a long one<p>Anyway, I'm all better today. My girls and I are going for a bike ride. <p>Love to you,
BB

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Whenever he is away on a trip indulging himself I tend to get a little bent out of shape. Especially when it's a long one<hr></blockquote><p>Now this I understand completely! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Silly man. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Keep reminding yourself just how lucky you really are. His trips will end and he'll have nothing to show for them save, maybe, a couple of photos. YOU Bright, have sooooo much more ...way more valuable than any self-indulgence. You ROCK! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

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Hey BB,<p>Dances is right - you are one AWESOME lady.<p>Are you doing things to make YOU feel better?<p>When I was having some difficult times, I had to work really, really hard at keeping my spirits up.<p>Do you work? If so, grab a fresh bouquet of flowers to put in your office every Monday. The smell and beauty of them will up lift your spirits!<p>Pamper yourself. Do something special and nice for you at least once a week. It doesn't have to be expensive. Beauty schools and Massage schools have excellent reduced rates at pedicures, manicures, facials, massages, etc. Treat yourself!<p>BB, know when times are difficult that you have people who care about you.<p>Take care!


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