Well WS is coming out of fog----he admits that OW is not what he thought as a matter of fact she is very demanding. He admits to have made a huge mistake and says it would be easier if he just ran away from everything but he is wiling to some back and face all the people we know and rebuild and mend things with me and others, too. We went to dinner 2x to discuss our future and he wants to know if we can work on our M. Whether we do or not, he claims he is ending it with her. He bought SAA and is supposed to be reading it. I have been very encouraged about his willingness to work on things. He has shown small demonstrations of his desire to work things out. We had a little fight and I just wanted to ignore the whole thing and he kept at it til we came to some understanding.....(he never did this before. He is a major conflict avoider so this surprised me)<p>My fears are working on the M because of his drinking problem and his major reluctance to go to counseling. He wants to read the Harley books and have us work things out that way. He only drinks about 4 to 5 beers a weekend but it was just enough to keep him from dealing with some things or looking at conflict. I do over react to his drinking cause Drinkers have always caused me such pain all my life so I am going to Alanon to get perspective and work on myself.<p>I have learned that I do love my H. He is a decent man with many wonderful attributes....I love who he is but I do not like his addictive thinking and some of his behavior. <p>The advice I need for the moment is that WS is meeting a friend of his at "our" house tomorrow morning to do some repair work. He left me a message on voice mail (I was not home) that his friend does not know we are separated and when he comes I did not have to be here if I did not want to. This made me very mad that he can't even tell his friend he is separated. I know it is because of shame but I think that he needs to take a step of honesty here and admit we are separated. Is this not one of those people he needs to face to mend things? I feel like I am in a tough spot if the friend calls looking for him before he gets here. I will not lie but I do not feel it is my place to tell this friend the truth.<p>TW

Hi tossedwave,<p>Well, are you encouraged by his change of heart? Wary? Angry? <p>IMO, do not make excuses for him, but don't make a big issue out of it either. I read another thread recently in which it was discussed that the WH who desires to come home should make the necessary changes FIRST, THEN be invited to come home.<p>Best wishes,
Estes

tossedwave,<p>You put down the terms ... please protect yourself and stick w/ your boundary. Take this opportunity to help him out on his drinking. IMHO, make counseling as part of the deal. H has to earn your trust and M. Check on need2bhappy at plan A/B board ... she did the right thing.

Dear TW,<p>This is a toughie. Well you may need to decide which of these things are harder than others. Prioritize where you need your H to concentrate. <p>IMHO, letting your H know what he needs to do to come home is more important now than telling his friends about the separation. If he is feeling remorse or showing shame, these are feelings that lead to healing. <p>L.

Thanks everybody----It worked out funny. The friend got here before my H did and I felt a little uncomfortable....I apologized that H was not here yet and mentioned we were separated. He was devastated....but it all worked out and may be in God's plan cause the friend may be just the right person to come along side my H for support. H has no one and this man is a Christian who once lived the rough, addicted life and has changed with God's help. My Pastor suggested that there be a person who my H can be accountable to as he ends A.....This may be a person who would do that with H.<p>Thanks, Estes for reminding me not to make a big issue out of the friend not knowing.....that was just the advice I needed. I was not real encouraged about his wishes to return til last Tues night when I saw some evidence of real repentance. He is very weak, though, in doing the right thing and following through on things, so that scares me. I know he will work his butt off for a few months but he backslides real easy. With no support or counsel, we all fall prey to wrong feelings and choices. He did make a point that I thought was very astute. He is a paraplegic and struggled for over a year accepting his disability until one day he decided to accept it and work through it all. Well it has been 23 years and he has done an excellent job at living with his disability after he became willing to work on it and he has very little struggle with it. He is successful, active and inspiring. His struggles lie in his upbringing and the drinking he has done since he was 15 yrs old. His drinking is minimal but is something he hides so I believe it is a problem that propels him to make wrong decisions or numbs him to escape feelings.<p>Redhat and Orchid, thanks for the reminder also about my boundaries. I am insisting that he end the A before we will decide to live together again (this seems unattainable to me cause they work in the same building) And I also asked him to tell me what he has to offer me in our M. Will see if he can do these two things. I also told him that I need counseling to work on M even if he thinks he does not....I told him I cannot go alone for M counseling. He agreed and I may have penetrated some of his wall of resistance to this. <p>I wonder, though, if he ends A and does not move right back in here ....What happens to the void left by no relationship? That confuses me...anyone have any insight into what usually happens with the hole left when A ends. <p>Thanks for being there and all being so faithful in responding to the needs of others,
TW

bump

Hi tossedwave,<p>What a blessing that your friend may be able to serve as a mentor for your H. A Christian friend who can be nonjudgmental yet hold your H accountable for his choices in relation to scripture could be just what is needed. I know that my son's friends at church have helped him hold himself together and keep hopeful. Any chance that your H will see a Christian counselor? <p>Even though MB says that a M can't recover unless ALL contact ceases, I hope that there may be some way for people like your H who have to continue working in the same office. I keep hoping that with strong resolve, it can be done. My DIL refuses to move from the town where the OM also lives. They are old HS friends. I don't want to believe that there is no hope for S and DIL because OM is still nearby.<p>Boy, the drinking is a big hurdle to get over. It really complicates issues that are already hard enough to deal with. <p>Take care,
Estes

Oh, I almost forgot. From what I read, MB believes that the BS can play a big role in supporting the WS through withdrawal. The trick seems to be making the WS feel safe enough to open up to BS. Tough, isn't it? BS get thir feeling crushed, then they find themselves in a position to comfort the one who hurt them. Do you feel strong enough to do that?<p>Estes

I am feeling a bit disillusioned right now and I am trying to keep my persepctive. My H asked me yesterday to get together with him today and I told him I would be home around 3 p.m. He said that he would be here at 3:00 to talk. Well, I did not get home til 3:30 and when I was coming toward the house, I saw WS drive by with his brother. I left the house at 5 pm to go somewhere so we never got together. His brother is his drinking buddy so it has stirred up all the old crap and feelings of disregard that his drinking times bring. There was no note that he waited to 3:30 and decided to do something else. This is upsetting to me cause again it feels like old times. I was always 4 or 5 on his list on weekends. Now I am feeling like the A is not really the issue for us only a symptom of a deeper problem that I do not know if I can live with.<p>It seems what happened is so small and insginificant but yet inside me it is big. Wow will I ever know if I want to live with this man again. My life is so good right now and I have such peace and serenity that I wonder why I am anticipating another round with him in M. I cannot see if the good outweighs the bad. There is alot of good in our M and we have very normal Mondays thru Fridays but when the weekend comes, it is a whole different lifestyle and he turns into a different person. I guess it is the addiction and it is impossible to understand that whole thing. Well I just needed to vent and get this out.....God will use time to show me the answers. I pray that God will use this painful time in our life to lead my H to understand that he is powerless over his compulsions and they make his life unmanageable.<p>Now I don't know whether to confront this or just wait and see if he contacts me to talk it out. Does anyone see anything I can't see here?<p>TW

IMHO, take some more time. See how serious he is and how serious the breakup is. You are happy now. Don't rush back into anything. Let the key word be SLOW.

tossed wave,<p>check out heartpain - his WW works with OM.<p>He has a thread in GQ with in last week. Near end is where he talks about them working together.