My LoveBank is running critically/extremely low these days. There is very little deposits by my WW anymore. I notice that the lower my bank gets the more depressed I get. It has been a while since I've been happy. I get out of bed each day, for my boys. If they weren't here, I'd stay in bed each day. If I lived alone, without them, my contiplations of ending my life would be substantially closer to being fulfilled than the paths that my mind are allowed to wander at this point in time. I know that its my fault for being where I am at and I'm growing so tired and weak. I laugh and joke my way through the days and have subjected my body to pain.<p>I sit outside on the patio and just stare into the folliage, as the cold breeze chaps my face. Attempts to make myself feel better by tanning, bike riding, piercing and tattooing my flesh, have not given me the long term results that they use to. To get "my fix" of happiness now days, my mind wanders to things it shouldn't. Death sometimes, denial usually, and darkness. <p>NonSexualFulfillment... NSF (wonders about the coralation in banking terms) in my LoveBank, is at dangerous levels. I have ridden the coaster much to long now... the bull bucked me and threw me long ago to... now, I am just a skier bounceing from wake to wake, taking on water and running out of breath. I don't come here to MB anymore, certain individuals situations are just to OVERBEARING and create a great resentment in my heart for them and 'other' individuals like them, such as my W. <p>Acceptance is not to be owned by me. I am the type of man that will fight to the death for something that I believe in, and for someone I love. I am so numb now, I nor not what to say and I nor not what to do. My situation is unique as they come, and my pattern and ability to follow the MB plans has been somewhat less desireable. My worth is zero today.

H2U,<p>I am glad to hear from you and now want to help you past this point. I will post back in a while but know this, you are in a familar place. Your mind and temperment is common to many of us. You are not the only 'stubborn' one. Remember some of us have a few more years of stubborness than U. LOL!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keepa chuggin for the boys. Read up on Medic. He sounded like a diehard one himself and he has survived. Come on H2U, I know you can also. <p>Hugz,
L.<p>[ March 02, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

OMW. u doin your assignments?

L,<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks for reminding me that I ain't the most stubborn person around here. I made the mistake a few days ago, reading a post to OOOO by two WS. Ever since then its been a fast wingless decent from the pirch I thought I was on. To see two people who have all of you trying to help and convice each and every day, I realized that my WW has none of you, nor I to listen to. To further pour salt onto it... the two WS here have had the better part of the last 9 months that I have been here since I've been back and they are no closer to the answers than they were 9 months ago. Now I remember one of the reasons why I try and stay away. I have bitten my tongue with them OVER and OVER again and not posted the anger I feel when I read the BS (yes that's bull****) that comes out of their fingers. <p>I know that they will tag on here and post their ideals. My recent viewing only opened my closed eyes to what pain and anguish that I have tried to remove myself from. Altogether I guess I could avoid their postings, rants and idealistic propaganda. Now, my intentions where not to pull the scape off the goats here, but I need to come back here and get the help that I need but am having a very hard time doing so. I guess I could solve some of my problems here by voicing my thoughts regarding the WS that to often post for the sake of whisping their silver tongues... but I haven't the energy wouldn't be worth it and it wouldn't really help me save my marriage. Oh well... the other voices in my head are doing better now.. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

H2you,<p>Nice to see you here again, have missed seeing your post, didn't always have anything to post back to you, but did read and follow with interest and prayed for you and your family.<p>As glad as I am to see you here, I am very sad to see you feeling so low, it is sad that you are letting someone else have this type of control of your happiness.<p>As far as not posting here, am not real sure what happened in the past, (I too was gone for awhile)but from your writings I can guess who it is you are writing about, I have chosen to avoid all postings by that person, (doesn't leave me much to read sometimes) as they pop up all over the place! But I am dilegent about avoiding anything written. I'm not as smoothe of a talker (typer) as Orchid, Jo or Cali and some of the others, I had the feeling of anger from reading some of the posts, so for me I decided that I just had to avoid them. Again don't let someone else have control over your being here. Post to the person and get it all out if need be, so that you can feel better or just learn to avoid any post like I have.<p>Anyways hope you figure out what to do so that you are happy once more!!! <p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Kev,<p> Come back home man. Avoid any thread or poster that makes you mad or upset. There are many friends here that would like very much to see you posting again. <p> I hate it that you are feeling so down. Know that you are not alone. <p> H2Y, come on home, to MB. We miss ya man.<p> jd

Hello H2Y,<p>Glad to hear from you, although I am sorry for the despair you are feeling. I had thought you were gone. Talk to us. Many of us can identify with how you are feeling. <p>Estes

It's definitely good to hear from you - I'm just sorry that you're so down.<p>You're right though - you DO need to come back here. There are so many of us here who would like to help you. Just because your M is at another stalemate, doesn't mean you need to stay stuck. Come back more often, let us talk things out with you. YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR EMOTIONS OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM!!! Come and vent, share, laugh, cry, scream, etc. Hiding everything inside of you is no good for you - you know that. Let us help you get the gumption to bring back the H2Y we all love to chat with! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Hi H2U,<p>I don't suppose it's much consolation but I often feel as you do. I do know however that I MUST rise above this. If I'm too depressed to help myself, how can I help my boys. And what chance is there that she'd come back to a broken loser?<p>No, I must rebuild my life without her. That requires that I get something good going in it. I must recover my sense of humour to the point that I can laugh at elements within my situation. Before my life crashed, if I had seen my story in TV drama, I'm sure I'd have seen some funny bits among the sad. It's time for us to live it up a bit. I think concentrating on comedy would be a good place to start - laughter is infectious.<p>Stay positive and good luck.

H2Y,
I suspect that I am one of the WS that you're speaking of.<p>And I was stunned at the effect my words had to you. And I am very sorry if what I said caused you pain. It was eye-opening to me that what I had to say would be painful or cause another person a set-back in their recovery. <p>So, I'm not here to "post my ideals" -- just to say I'm sorry. I also suspect that other BS's feel the same as you.<p>H2H -- I'm not here to push my views. I thought that BS's might benefit from picking the brain of someone who is experiencing and saying many of the same things their own spouse says. <p>And for myself, what I get from this site is a view from the other side -- so that I can treat my H with respect and consideration.<p>I'm sure that my words have caused many BS's pain. <p>I've always thought of myself as a really nice person, unfortunatly in a really sad situation. But I was never here to be hurtful, and if thats the effect that I have on most people, then I should go. I hope you stay H2, to get the help you need, I followed your story for a long time and I am pulling for you -- as I do for many others. <p>Good luck and take care!

Hello H2Y, I have often find myself in the very state of mind that you have described. It's much easier to sink than to participate in this devastating experience, isn't it??? BUT YOU MUST RISE ABOVE this. You sound like an incredible person with an admirable sense of commitment and loyalty to your family. Don't underestimate the power of your commitment. <p>Faith1's recent reminder of expectations is an important one...don't expect anything from your WS. Find it from within yourself, surround yourself with support and come here. There are so many "angels" here that will help you detach with love.<p>My prayers are with you and your family.

Paul, Terrified and Lexy. Thank you for responding.<p>Lexy, Yes you are correct, it was you but not you alone. Thank you for being courageous enough to apoligize and think of me. I didn't want to oust anyone. I did and had planned on speaking directly to you and the 'other' individual in say open 'court' [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] of our peers. So they could mediate my feelings so things didn't get ugly, but resolved. I am the one who redirected my anger towards you and 'him'. But I need to let the both of you know why and what put me there. 6 months ago, I felt different. I'm not making you a target, but I feel I need to clear the air. I don't want you and him to leave. You have as much right to be here as I do (Although I have more seniority [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] in time and grade [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , unfortunately) <p>So... hugggggggs to you for being so very thoughtful. I'm sorry.

h2y, as the other "one", if you feel a need to post something, is ok...I do not seek to harm anyone either, and if I could make everyone happy, and their lives work out, I would, it is not in my power to do so unfortuneately. Because this site encompasses the entire range of marital circumstances, and human diversity there is going to be conflict....but for the record (if useful to say so), I have never posted anything designed to be harmful or hurtful, and those times my honest feelings and opinions were hurtful do distress me...I also do consider what I post, and do some self-censoring. Reading about the obvious pain in your life makes me sad H2y, and I wish you well...if um.... taking me to task on anything in particular would be helpful, go ahead, I will respond....I have not re your last few posts cause being defensive would not be helpful to you, and I did not think even being supportive was welcome. It will get better h2y, but you have to want it too, I hope you find your way.

Husband2You,
I don't have any advice, but I just want you to know, I am in the same exact spot you are describing, yet no matter how painful, we continue to walk through hell for our WS, we go through the hell of what we did to help make this possible and then the hell of our children's pain, and finally the hell of seeing our spouse turn into a stranger and loving someone else...knowing in some cases, the truth but refusing to act on it.
My prayers.