Well, the affair ended last Sunday when my H and the OW went forward in Church and asked for forgiveness. The OW went back to her H and they are working on their marriage...even went bowling together that night. But, as far as me and my H... well .. he asked me to go stay with family so he could be alone that night. He said it feels like somone just died. He never asked if we could reconcil or tell me anything at all. He just came home and felt bad. I have read all parts of the infidelity articles ... thank God it was here... having an idea what he is going through helped a lot.. However, I have been going along thinking he wanted to work it out... Since the A he has lost his job and we are in a house that is provided so we have to move out. I work but hours have been cut to 25 a week... I filed Bankrupsy yesterday and he will loose the car next... how bad can it get. To top it off... he has told me he is not himself and doesnt know who he is anymore... may never have feelings for me... and wants me to leave and go stay with my daughter in VA... I cant leave for 4 or6 weeks so I am just hoping that he will gradually get out of the fog during this time period. I am affraid to leave him because I have read so much about male sucides and although he knows God will not forgive him... he has thought about it at least 3 times since October. I still love him and want him back so bad. Should I leave as he wants or try to say here if possible and get a better job, apartment etc. And if this OW really loved him, why is she and her husband doing good and my H wont even hold my hand??? He lost everything and she is better off than before her A.

Morning 2u<p>Im sorry you havent had a reponse yet. Its real early in the morning, and weekends seem to be slow round here.<p>I am really not good at advise. Im sure someone will be along shortly to help you.<p>Hang in there.<p>Susie

Dear morning2U,<p>I am so sorry for the pain that your H's actions have brought into your life. Since you have done a lot of reading, I hope that you believe that his A was not your fault! <p>Please do not move out. How would that help your M? It is your home. You did no wrong. Why should your H's painful withdrawal cost you your home? Your H is probably suffering from depression. He is ill. MB believes that the BS can be helpful to the WS who is suffering through withdrawal. You can't help if you are not there.
And H really sounds like he needs you, even though he may not appreciate the fact. <p>Lovingly tell H that you intend to stay, that you are not giving up on your M, and that you are willing to give him space now and support when he wants it. H is in for a tough few months, especially when it looks like the OW is doing so well. Your H came out on the losing end of his A all the way around. He needs you whether he knows it or not.<p>Take care,
Estes

Hi, <p>It looks like manipulation in a desparate effort to shift blame. Talk with Steve or Jennifer or a counselor ASAP. Learn your rights and protect yourself. Is this defensive actions? Yes. But what you will show is firmness and tact. <p>My H did the same to me and later admitted he was trying his best to push me to D him. Why? He was and is a major conflict avoider. I came here to MB and was helped to see this. For me, I told him when I was strong enough to mean it:<p>WS: I don't love you and never did......go get the D. <p>BS: Sure, go ahead get the D. <p>WS: No, U go get it. <p>BS: Ok, you can go get it. (mind you I had already checked stuff out by this point). <p>In other words don't be afraid to be the onis of this back in his lap. Make sure you have enough support behind you when this happens and that you are strong enough to handle his responses. The fact that he is pushing U shows he is a bit weak in this matter. Use that knowledge to your advatange. Don't freak out if he tries to move out or even does. Let him. Remember the fog distorts reality. <p>U pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. Then remember what kind of mentality you are dealing with 'a stranger from within'. <p>L.

Thank guys, I needed that! I really blew it today... I asked questions about a 3 day trip he took on Val. Day because I found out the OW made plans to go see her aunt those same days.. sounded like very convient timing.. however he tells me he went alone...and really has no reason to lie to me now. So I have to let it go.. I suppose there is no reason to question him about what they have done together. No this is not my home...My husband was a minister so the house was provided. The church is letting me stay here for a few months to get things worked out. We both at this time have no place to go unless I want to move to VA with my daughter and her family. I really don't want to be that far away and burden her. It will be a last resort. He is still thinking about the A I had that lasted less than a week when he was in the Navy... This was 29 years ago!!! He says its like a tape that keeps playing in his mind but what he did has lasted almost 7 months and... I cant believe he is bring this up after all these years! so he now says we have nothing to build a marriage on... Thanks for your comments and the support here.... We sure need each other dont we. Hugs

My H did the same thing last year. Told me right after he confessed that he was not in love with me, was in love with OW( a single coworker of his) and since I would never forgive him he was going to leave me for OW! What a shocker that was after 15 yrs of marriage!H then kept telling me he would end the A but after 10 days he was still seeing her so I asked him to move out to think.Of course he immediately turned this around to say I threw him out! He dashed off to OW's condo and the two plotted how to make me the 'enemy' of their 'love' and OW pressured H to divorce me and marry her! H kept coming over to see our 3 kids and would tell me he wanted me to agree to a no fault divorce. I told him no WAY! I said I was totally against divorce and that it would be an all-out divorce if he insisted on filing on me. Eventually he DID file but then the night he was served he broke down crying and cancelled it. He told a counselor that he felt caught in a cycle with OW that he didnt know how to get out of. He then went thru a several month emotional withdrawal period from OW after that where he wouldnt touch me and felt horribly guilty. Its been a year now and we are slowly recovering. But H says now he wanted me to D him so that he wouldnt feel so guilty about ending our marriage. lifeismessy

Morning2U- I just really feel for you so I wanted to post to you again today. I would recommend that if you truly DONT want your marriage to end dont separate from him during his emotional withdrawal. The reason your H is in such despair is that he has compartmentalized his A in his mind like my H did.They are in super heavy duty FOG! Think of him as being temporarily insane for a few months thats what my pastor recommended.I even tried to look at the whole situation as a psychology experiment sometimes! My H was so in the fog that he would go to church with me and the kids every wk, comment on what a great sermon we heard, then drop us all off at home then say he was going to the gym and sneak off to be with OW! Now that takes incredible rationalizing on his part to be able to live like that when he is a moral person deep down inside. The more they are behaving out of their usual character the more they have to be in the fog to be able to do it!Read Harley's descriptions of the state of emotional withdrawal from the OP and read it often! It is normal and common for them to pine away for the OP for at least 2 months or so. My H slept on our couch downstairs during this time.He wasnt physically intimate with me for 7 mo- during the A and a few months afterwards. Affection from him was non-existent except for the occasional hug. He had moved back home after living with OW for 6 wks but was still attached to her and very very confused when he moved back in. I had to learn not to pester him with relationship talk and do my own thing for awhile and just trust in the Lord to 'fix him.' Turn over the control to God and quit trying to fix this mess yourself.Eventually God did his job! Do you read the book The Power of a Praying Wife? I did daily and it made a real difference over time. H now thanks me for not deserting him thru all this and says it was me that turned him around and back to the church.Our intimate life is great now! It is so hard to get thru this when your heart is already broken but lean not on your own understanding.Some of us here can encourage you as we have lived thru this and come out on the other side.lifeismessy