<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by new_beginning:
<strong><p>But ya know, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's NORMAL to want to harm the person who harmed (or killed) your marriage. It doesn't mean we DO IT.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sheryl,<p>I would imagine that most of the anger on these boards, while justified, is directed towards those OP's who have no remorse and blame the affair on the WS. That is infuriating to see some sick [censored] glory in the destruction of your life and family and gloat about how you deserved it because your marriage wasn't perfect.<p>My situation is quite different and I am actually grateful to the OW in my case for the decent and honorable way she acted when I contacted her. She had been told by my H that we were getting a divorce. When she found out that was a lie, she sent my H a scathing email ending all contact. She then told me how sorry she was and gave me all the details of the affair. <p>I will be forever grateful to her for being so decent about it. I know I am very fortunate.

Oh yes, ML, I would suspect that a remorseful OP would make a HUGE difference.<p>Although, in honesty, the OW I faced was... um... well, I guess "nice" would fit... and I still wanted to punch her in the face -- but I DIDN'T.<p>She said things like, "He loves us both"... all the while holding her BIG BIBLE. Puke!<p>So, yes, I'm happy that your OW was remorseful. <p>I will also touch upon the fact that I was once an OW, and I was very, VERY remorseful when the SO of the OM IM'd me... I apologized profusely. I still don't expect her to be thankful to me... and I was AFRAID of her also. I will NEVER be able to face this woman EVER. That's the price I paid for being a WS. It sux, but it IS the price. Oh well, shoulda thought about THAT before I got involved with HER MAN, eh? <p>Infidelity is UGLY.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by TowardsTheFuture:
<strong>.....At some point, you have to begin to let go of your hurt and anger and work on recovering your marriage......It's very important to keep goals in mind, to think about our actions and what we want to ultimately accomplish, and whether our actions will lead us closer to that goal or push us farther away from it.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I must say that if your previous posts had the tone of this post, I doubt very seriously if you would have received any backlash. In most of your previous posts, intentionally or unintentionally, you seemed to place the blame of the affair on the BS, and that is what I believe infuriated most of the people here, or at least me. At least with this post, I must agree with you.<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: F A ]</p>

I don't hate the OW for her actions when my H and her were carrying on the affair prior to Dday. After all, who the hell knows what he was telling her? They could fantasize anything, particularly my H, who was telling himself that I wouldn't really care that the marriage was over.
I hate her because of my two telephone conversations with her. I hate her because I made it clear that my 3 children would be irrevocably damaged by a divorce. And she continued to try to suck my husband into her web. When you lie to me,(telling me you will back off and let my H figure things out, and then continuing contact) it's personal. And when you try to hurt my children, I am like a mother grizzly bear.
Not to mention that she has never shown a shred of remorse.

I also had angry, hurtful feelings towards the OW in my H's affair. I knew her she was one of his students. The night that my H finally came clean after months of my trying to drag it out of him, I was so angry at her that I got out the phone book and called her home at 5:00am. <p>Her mother answered the phone, she still lived at home. I then told her mother what had been going on and that my H had confessed everything. The next day I checked my H's cell phone and found out that she had called him after I had found out. I hit redial and she answered the phone. I let her have it. We talked for almost an hour. SHe told me what my H had been telling her several lies about our relationship. That angered me even more but I was happy to inform her that it was not true. <p>She was angry at my H. I know for a few months she continued to contact my H on his cell phone. I finally put a stop to hit by telling him that if I found out he was still in contact with her that I would pack his things for him. I know that this is a big LB but I had enough. I was ready for plan B if he continued contact. I still felt great anger towards this young girl becasue she knew me knew our son and did not care that she was hurting us. She even came to see him right in front of me. My H's occupation is a public one but I still knew something was going on and he continued to deny it for months to he confessed.<p>I thought I would never get over my anger towards her until 2 weeks ago. I was out having dinner with some girlfriends of mine. My H's was at home with our son doing some needed father son bonding. When OW walks into the resturant with her new boyfriend. I have to admit it was a shock to see her I had not seen her since dday. But I was not tempted to do anything. She was visanly shaken by the fact that I was there and almost left. She and her date however stayed.<p>She ate her dinner and quickly left. I didn't have the desire to even speak to her My H is at home with me and his son. He was the adult in the affair and just as responsible as she was. I have over the last few months lost my anger towards both of them. I love my H and I am glad that we have this chance to imporve our marriage. In my way of thinking I am the winner not because I got him and she didn't but because I know have the love of my H. We still have problems but I know knew she is no longer one of them.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by hrtng4lngtimenow:
<strong>Yes i did confront one of wife's OM, and yes i
beat the **** out of him in front of his wife,my
wife,and all of our mutual friends for his part in
my wife's A. I found it relieved alot of stress for me. Incidentally his wife is divorcing him,
and he has the nerve to blame me.(roflmao)
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Rusty, I'm not judging you for what you did here because as a betrayed husband I can understand the rage that takes place when you first discover an affair.<p>I'm just kind of using this as an example of some of the other posts I've seen here. <p>We all have a tendency to direct our furry at the other person - in some cases we transfer the anger that we should feel for our own spouses (who, by the way, did say "yes") to them. For some, that can be a way to release some of the pain. But keep in mind, your spouse, just like mine, said "yes!" I'm equally mad at her, at him, and at me for not being as good of a husband as I should have been.<p>I know all situations are not like this. In Rusty's case (and in mine), the OM was married. This technically means that his wife (and my wife) is an "other woman" to the OM's wife. I don't know about him, but I certainly wouldn't have wanted the OM's wife to come over and beat the **** out of my wife for having an affair with her husband.<p>Something to think about...<p>-HD

New Beginning - I am the BS and my WH posts here quite a bit. My WH's OW was suppose to be a christian too. Holding her bible high over her head, she exposed her body to my WH willingly. This is the Christian OW's 2nd sexual affair. The first was a minister of her church, she did it with him in Gods home in a back room. She didn't want to go out to dinner with my WH, when he was in her state visiting his ill dad. She wanted to go to a hotel instead. My WH to this day says he didn't realize that there would be sex. I wasn't born yesterday. The OW in his life, threatened me with suicide if my WH and I were to tell her poor BS husband. Afterall this is her 2nd physical affair, what the heck is he going to think. What about all those people in church that think this lady is so christian, teaches bible study, interacts with the people of the church. If I could, I would love to get a big billboard on the highway, and put her name on it with a BIG RED PHYSICAL AFFAIR x '2'. Only her H knows about the first affair. Her grown children don't know and now she is helping take care of her two little granddaughters. What will they think of grandma, you had sex with other men? <p>There is this want to hurt her so bad, that her face can't be seen anywhere without these 2 big Red 'A' Tattoos on her forhead. But she has to live with herself, and I know God is making it hard for her to live. Especially she was so adamant on not telling her H.

Yes, hurting the OP is probably a natural response. I too have had some pretty wild ideas about what I should do to OM_SOB. But, it really isnt our place to pass judgement on them, there is a far better power more capable than us to do that!<p>We should not focus on the OP so much as focusing on ourselves. Focusing on the OP is really a waste of time and energy that can be better used achieving more positive results. Why risk losing everything (ie family, job, freedom) fro a few brief moments of lustful pleasure, after all, isnt that what most A's are about anyway.<p>Besides, I would rather pain a huge scarlett letter 'A' on thier house, its more permanent and sure would get the neighborhood talking!

originally by loveherstill
Why risk losing everything (ie family, job, freedom) fro a few brief moments of lustful pleasure, after all, isnt that what most A's are about anyway.<p>Excellent point. Really makes me think. Something I will keep close - thanks.

I don't suppose this is probably a good thread for me to say anything in, is it?<p>But, I'm going to say a few things, anyway. First of all (and I guess this is obvious) not every OW is a skanky whoring so-and-so who needs her hair ripped out and her face slapped. I'm not defending indenfensible actions, however, there are incidents such as mine where I was led to believe a very different thing, and only now as the relationship has progressed passed the point where divorce is even being discussed anymore (yes, he initiated the relationship and he said he was leaving the W), am I trying to figure out what to do about this mess. I really did think he was going to leave his wife - it seemed possible, and he swears it still is - after all, I was dating someone when I left my husband (ex-H was abusive), and I left as I said I would. But, now I think he's lying to me AND to his wife. <p>Liar though he is, I still love him, which makes it difficult to give up on this, but after reading this thread, it occurs to me that she probably loves him too... maybe enough to kill me over it, if she had a suburban. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Maybe I should leave him for my own personal safety! I'm not sure that I'm joking!<p>I always thought I was pretty sensitive to the wife, even though he never had a nice word to say about her, being a mother and ex-wife myself and (I thought) a fairly conscientious human being. But, this thread opens up a whole other side of this relationship that I was simply blind to. I never really pictured this kind of anger - which honestly terrifies me - but, more importantly, the deep hurt that it points to. I just discovered this board today and it has been exceedingly enlightening.<p>I've been through plenty of hurt myself in this relationship as I've come to the slow but steady discovery that he is not going to leave his wife, he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a future with me (outside of more of this affair), and I'm not much more than a pleasant hiding place for him from his real life, despite his constant declarations to the contrary. But, I picture his wife writing some of these posts about the hatred, the anger, the feeling of betrayal, and I'm stunned. I wonder at myself - what have I done?<p>I'm not sure that I regret loving him. I think maybe I do, because it has changed me dramatically into someone I'm not sure I like anymore. But, even if that's so, I feel incredibly bad for the W as I read through these posts. I'm not sure if it is appropriate, and I'm sure it isn't representative of all OP, but for what it's worth, I am so sorry. I feel like I should say this to his W, but I don't think she knows and I think she might just be better off if she never knew and I just ended things with her WS, who has been acting rather erratic and obnoxiously selfish lately, anyway.<p>Or maybe I should send her a voodoo doll of me and hope for a mercifully quick thrust of the pin through center mass, n'est pas?<p>Yikes.<p>Okay, I'm going to go back to my corner now. Hope I haven't ruined anyone's day.

well that is a start, IMO unless one is a predator (and maybe your mm is, too bad for his wife though),one should fairly quickly realize a friendship that goes too far (and turns into an afair) has to end. Partly for the reasons you just mentioned, but also because humans cannot maintain 2 intimate relationships (IMO), and that should become clear. At that point there is only 2 courses of healthy action, leave the marriage immediately (usually because it was abusive, and the ws decides they are done)...or stop the affair, return to the marriage, tell the truth, face the dysfunctional marriage, and work through with spouse to reconcilliation or divorce. One cannot change the past, but facing the music is how humans right wrongs, taking responsibility, being accountable, and crafting fair outcomes.... Some like to brand a ws as some sort of evil forever soiled individual, that is their problem, and says more about the bs than the ws (although the ws may indeed be a serious loser, but so may the bs). Bs and ws are injured by an affair, and the healing is facing the music, not pre-decideing the outcome. In your case the mm is revealed as a predator, he seeks you for his benefit, not cause it is a um.... actual friendship (where all real relationships must start IMO). This is no reflection on you (except your judgement) just learn from this (about you), and move on...and do not date any more MM...and make sure they aren't married.

My husband wanted to beat OM's face in sooooo bad. He kept telling me he was gonna need some face reconstruction, and that I would need to expect to have to bail him out of jail. He finally calmed down, and realized it would do no good. He talked like that for about 2 weeks. I told OM, because I feared for his safety, he was so scared, he moved to another city. <p>Glad that part is over with...

OW that posted above and sd an I'm sorry, glad to hear you care... I know my ow did not... and as of the latest confession... found out she told my H... "she was sorry she could not be stepmother to my children" give me a break... "his children" whatever... what a ho... I raised these kids from conception carried them, etc... and some ho stesps in and wants to be their fing stepmother... no than k you miss.. just because my H has a screw lose you do not get to ruin my kids lives with your hoing ways... I am so sick over this comment... but it shows the ho in her.... I am wishing I had a suburban... if I saw her walking down the road... but I think my volvo could do the trick [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] - I know she deserves it, but she will get hers... My anger is so thick, and it gotten expressed a bit , thank and praise the lord... or it would be eating me up even more... I try so hard to let it go... but when a drunken barfly wants to be stepmom, and she knows nothing about kids... except fing my H... I just don't get it.<p>thanks, H

My wanted/wants to hurt the OM in the worst way. And I completely understand. Upon finding out about my A, the next morning he sent a couple of threatening emails, and left a couple of threatening phone messages, telling him that if he ever set foot in our town ever again he would not leave alive. I don't think that he (my H) will ever get over that feeling. He has also threatened every person that knew about the affair also. I don't think he would really do anything illegal at this point, but initially, I wouldn't have put it past him.
1step

for get it....<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Hey 1step, you're d-day is close to mine and I also ended contact with OM and set about fixing my marriage. I have truly enjoyed being able to look my family in the eye and know I'm not betraying them. The guilt and sneaking around was too much for me to take any longer. I was losing alot of weight, and felt very out of control.