<p>[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: Replaced ]</p>

I do not wish to enflame anyone here. I apologize in advance if this post brings any hurt to any of you. mmseeking Advice, this post is for you.<p>I'm a guarded woman in a male dominated profession. I met mm at work. We got to be friends over time. It really was just friendship for the first year. We talked about everything happening in our lives. Sometimes we talked daily, other times it was weekly. We didn't exchange cards or gifts. We didn't touch or hug. We just talked. <p>Fast forward to year two of our friendship. MM started the emotional unloading just like you are doing with your OW. I resisted. I didn't want to get involved. I told him I did not think affairs were moral or right. He loves his wife and wants to make his marriage work. We went through withdrawal and tried to let the friendship fade. We didn't speak for several months.<p>There was a death in the family. He came to me in his grief. I thought I could support him without emotional entanglement. Ha! <p>He counted on the fact that I was guarded and against affairs to save him. It let him be too free with his emotions and fantasies. He did the hair stroking and hugging. I never initiated any of that but did not have enough guardedness to stop them. I responded to them in ways he couldn't see or know. He used to tell me that he was glad I was so guarded because it protected him from becoming an MM. <p>I was cold on the outside. What went on inside of my heart was mind blowingly painful. It was hurtful trying to keep the lid on my emotions while he spouted his so freely. Eventually, I couldn't hold it together and began to respond to him and confess my emotions.<p>I'm an OW now and it's the last thing I ever wanted to be. We don't have sex. We have drawn that stupid line in the sand and think that protects us from total immorality. We are incredibly stupid. Like you, I don't know how to break away without bringing incredible pain to myself because I am madly, passionately in love with this man even if it doesn't show on the outside.<p>I read MB to remind myself to keep that guard. We're both still relying on me not to give into my feelings. The pain of loving him has begun to exceed the pain of leaving the friendship. It is time for me to go no contact with him. <p>Be a man and find your own way to guard your emotions. Stop putting them onto OW and asking her to be the strong, silent guard of your marriage and fidelity. Do it yourself. You are bringing pain to two women you claim to love deeply all so that you have a spark to daydream about. Pick the love of your life and give her your all. <p>Again, I am deeply sorry if this post brings any of the betrayed spouses pain. I was compelled to respond to mmseekingadvice because of our similarities.

Wow. Thanks for sharing that. I think that will be very helpful to mmseekingadvice...

I started this thread because I am a BS. I wrote a long letter to mmseekingadvice and it ended up being way to harsh, I was trying to give him some different ideas to ponder, it didn`t work, I just made a mess of it just like when I try to talk to my own H. So I deleted it (my way of tearing it up throwing it in the garbage). He is asking WHY in an old thread and did not get much response, and I hope he might get some help on this thread. I have always told my H that our marriage problems, life circumstances, etc. all play their in making us vulnerable to an affair, but only he and his OW`s are responsible and accountable for having the A. Believe it or not, I used to try to blame the entire thing on myself, and I think his A went on even longer because of that.