Hi - sorry, I've been extremely busy and haven't been on the boards much. My H and I are trying to get a new business off the ground, and sometimes I'm so deep in coding that I forget to check over here to see whats going on!<p>Yes, I did find that initially, recovery was far worse than living through the affair.<p>I personally wouldn't base my decision to reconcile on that fact however.<p>I'm starting on month #9 of recovery - and its MUCH better now than it was at first.<p>Why was it so hard?<p>Because ultimately, the problems in the marriage are NOT the affair. So not only are you sitting there face to face with your spouse over this horrible hurt and betrayal, but you have some how got to face the real problems of the marriage and deal with those. The marriage certainly wasn't getting better while the affair was going on, and the problems didn't go away. They've just been multiplied with the affair.<p>At the initial stages of recovery, theres NO trust yet. <p>While my H was involved with the OW, I got to a place of acceptance. I accepted that I couldn't change my H, I couldn't stop him from doing anything, and that he was who he was. I learned to accept that no matter what came out of his mouth was a lie.<p>Well...what I never counted on, was having to drop the SECURITY (heehee) of knowing he was lying, to try and sort it out, with absolutey zero trust to build on.<p>So everytime my H made a mistake in those initial stages, it did alot of harm to me. Fortunately for me - they were mistakes - and my H has worked hard to resolve those things. Had he not been sincere, those "mistakes" could have been indications of continued contact. For example, early on, he had a Friday evening after work get-together with his co-workers. He left his cell phone turned off for several hours and didn't call me until he was on his way home. I was absolutely hysterical. (Before recovery, i would have shrugged it off, same old lies and behavior). But now we were in recovery and I had to somehow start believing and trusting! <p>Turns out that he really didn't understand the triggers and how that would upset me. He was able to account for his time to me and had an "alibi" and so while he didn't do anything wrong, the lack of communication caused me a great deal of pain. Since then, obviously, my H has come to understand and take steps to avoid doing that to me. But it took some time - he had also been living on his own for 18 months, and there was definitely an adjustment phase.<p>So there we were with all the affair stuff, the triggers, the lack of trust, all that stuff going on....AND we still had to deal with both of our parts in how it all happened. And I had to hear about how my H had been feeling prior to the affair, and how he felt about me...and how he felt about her...There were was alot of extremely devastating honesty that I had to go experience.<p>Having your marriage under a microscope under stressful conditions like that, with no trust on either side, emotionally or factually...its hell.<p>Was it worth it? I think so. We still have alot of stuff to work out, but the last 9 months have really shown me that my recovery has been real, and that gives me at least some kind of place to orient myself with.<p>The alcoholic issues - hmmmm - I've reached a place with it that I simply say that I go to Al-Anon because of MY reaction to my H's drinking. His drinking is HIS responsibilty. I don't demand that he deal with it MY way, its his problem (or not depending on his viewpoint) and his responsibility. As long as he is walking the walk, with his actions matching his words, and he is meeting the needs that I have in our marriage, then I am willing to remain in the marriage.<p>So I take it one day at a time. For today, his drinking is not a problem so for today, I am in the marriage. <p>If that changes...I'll be reevaluating my position! <p>Anyway, I hope that sheds some light on the subject.
