I have a nack for taking myself out of the current problem and "looking in on" the situation. Here is something that puzzles me and I would love your thoughts.<p>I know that many WS's blame their "unhappy relationship/needs not being met" for having an A. Is it not their strength of character and courage that actually lead them to this choice. One that they choose not to share their unhappiness with their spouse, to give them the chance to be what they need, and if they do with no positive results, they don't have enough courage to ask for a divorce. Instead involve another person and more pain for all.<p>I just don't get it.

Although my H and I have never really discussed why he didn't tell me he was unhappy, other than to say that he "wasn't getting any from me", I can look back and see that he did let me know he was unhappy, but how did he tell me?<p>By jumping my @$$ about any and every thing, which made me even more resentful and not want to meet his DEMANDS. In turn, I would show my resent in my tone of voice and lack of action to meet his needs. What a vicious circle!<p>He doesn't understand that his DEMANDS for sex after LBing me all day were a total turn-off for me. He doesn't see that when he kept insisting on oral sex in the middle of lovemaking even after I told him I didn't want to, it totally dried me up, to put it bluntly. Bear in mind that oral sex was a "new" demand after about 15 years of marriage, and being that I was a virgin and very naive when we married, it took a lot of getting accustomed to. Not to mention that I didn't appreciate the head-pushing he did when I did try it. He finally did learn to stop the head-pushing stuff, and I have no problems with oral sex now....even enjoy it.<p>Still, I wonder who turned him on to oral sex to start with. Was it the STD Tramp or someone else? I'm quite sure that it must have been, else he would have been wanting oral sex from the beginning of our marriage.<p>Anyway, this isn't meant to be a vent, but I can see that he did try to communicate his unhappiness to me, but since he wasn't hearing my unhappiness, I guess we just sort of blocked each other out.

lady clueless.... <p>My H did th4e same thing.. instead of asking for or communicating what he needed and wanted.. he demanded... lbed and hurt me in horrible ways.. put downs... criticisms.. etc...<p>
I just this morning was reading a book about men... what every woman should know about men, or something like that... that says... MEN are not taught to express emotions or feelings.. and often go looking for love, reassurance, and acceptance with sex... they even use sex as a release for pent up angry feelings... or being upset from a hard day at work... the sex just makes htem feel more loved, and gives them the acceptance they are looking for... which really could be reached trhough intimate talks... self expression, etc... which men know so little about generally... <p>while I was sleeping- yes... it is the spouses moral character that leads them to it... they like to blame others to make themselves feel better about what they have done wrong... and yes, that is part of the character as well. At least in my humble opinion... I agree... with that statemnt.... I do not think divorce is to be an option when a spouse does not meet your need on demand or request even - marriage takes a lot of giving and growing and yes... receiving, but mostly giving, and to leave your spouse because they do not meet a need is generally selfish and eventually I think this same person will end up with a nother person claiming they do not meet a particular need.<p>I think the more loving one chooses to be in a marrige the more love that person gets back...<p>I wish divorce were not such an easy out... and was for the extreme cases of TRUE marital problems... and not just when one spouse is not everythuing the other expects... I think that is sooo selfish... and I guess I am getting that from how my spouse has treated me... I became quit ill with a back injury, and also as mother of two was not there to give him the attention my H cra ves.. that is when the A happened... also with a bunch of lb's ... my H is just selfish, and I am beginning to see.. so much of a taker... even though our relationship is improving... it is hard to believe... he will not turn to other women in the future.. when his needs are not being met... as he has done this to me throughout our marriage... (I only found out 6 months ago about the first one, and one night confessions followed that there were other one nighters... but none of them mattered....)<p>MEN?? It is just sad that when you love someone so much, when you need them and can't be there for them... they leave you for someone with NO KIDS< and no injury... (JUST A VENT)<p>RMM

I think that it has to do a lot with beign afraid of beign single. <p>In fact I think that most married people, even the ones in bad marriages, are scared to death of beign on their own. That could explain why they latch onto a lover even though they are still married.<p>How many times have we heard of a WW begging on her hands and knees to be forgiven by her H after he has told her that he wants to divorce her because he found out she was cheating on him?<p>I once read a humorous saying and it said that sex was like pizza because even when it's bad it's still good. Well take out the word 'sex' and substitute it for 'marriage' and I think it has the same ring of truth.<p>Joe

I know that my WW had EN that I was not filling EFFECTIVELY. I was trying, and the way she talked sometimes, you'd think I was perfect somehow. So I do feel somewhat deceived myself - she allowed me to fall into a false set of beliefs - that I was somehow superman. Taking that fateful "step back" I can now see how yes, if I'd done some more work on meeting some of her EN, this may have been avoided. Or not. WW does have some issues that run deep, possibly deeper than unmet EN. Each case is different to a degree I guess.