I posted on Just Found Out a couple of weeks ago, and I'm still struggling with our M. My H has not yet come to me with any comment whatsoever on what has happened between us - things got so bad that we agreed we couldn't talk about anything except in the presence of a counsellor. I told him I was ready to go to counselling whenever he wanted with whoever he chose. But I can't wait forever, and I'm afraid to bring up the subject for fear of LB'ing. I know that he still sees and e-mails his "friend" - it's not a PA - but I feel it's an EA - his 2nd in 6 months. Now I'm in the position of just waiting - so what do I do while I wait? I feel like a complete doormat. I tell myself that I can only be the best person I can be and if it isn't good enough, so be it. But when do I tell him enough is enough? In the mean time, he still comes home to all his meals made (of course I cook - I have kids to feed) - the laundry done, the house clean, and my salary which pays half the bills. Where's the initiative for him to change anything? Our M is a shell - he takes all the emotional content out of it and gives it away over the internet and the cell phone. What kind of a marriage is this? Someone help me.
Odile

odile,<p>This must be such a hard time for you. I am sorry for you and the children.<p>MB does not require that the BS allow the WS to do whatever he wants with not expectations of change on his part. Your Plan A is for a relatively short period of time to give WS time to break off from OP. You must set boundaries for what behavior is tolerable from WS. First, he must stop all contact with OW. Second, he must discuss with you what needs are not being met for both of you in the M. Third, he must be completely open and honest with you and give you access to his email account and his cell phone records.<p>If your H is unwillng or unable to comply with these perfectly reasonable requests, then you must make some hard decisions. Are you familiar with Plan B? If your H will not cooperate with healing your M, then you have to be willing to move to Plan B or continue to tolerate his disrespect for you, the M and the family. You will be the only one who can make the decision about what is best for you. <p>Do you have any idea why H is making the choice to seek out other women? Are they co-workers, internet acquaintances?<p>Best wishes,
Estes

Hi, <p>What have you read here so far? Sounds like you need to build up your personal support group to help you through this time of despair. Your H does not sound like he wants to be a willing participant in your family and he needsto know that you are aware of that. <p>Take a look at Surviving and A, His needs/her needs and Dr James Dobson's book: Love must be tough. <p>You will need to do a bit of reading while your H is out there wallowing in the bad thing. Watch his actions and prepare yourself for future rough weather. We call it the roller coaster and yep, it can get ugly. Learn your rights as a wife and when he starts with his babble, learn to recognize it and then walk away. If you listen or try to communicate too much while he is babbling it will depress you. Know that he may blame you for stuff that will make you doubt your own santity. A great ploy by those in the fog. I think they have a WS/OP handbook out there somewhere because their excuses are almost verbatim!!! <p>If you could give us a brief status of where you are now in addition to the info above, it would be helpful. <p>Welcome to MB. <p>Take care,
L.

Thank you so much for your advice. I am trying to read as much as I can on this website. I have seen a lawyer (he doesn't know this). I am afraid he would try to tear me apart because I suffered (moderate) Post Natal Depression twice - PND lasts 3 years max when properly treated (this was not Post Partum Psychosis which is different) - and because I suffer from SAD (Winter Blues) - I live in UK. He puts down all my "negative" reactions to my impaired mental state - I call it standing up to his bullying. I am not prepared to spend my life on anti-depressants in order to make life with him bearable. I accept that he is not having a PA - but his E attention is so much going into these cyber relationships that I feel betrayed. I am going to go and have a complete psychological evaluation done on myself and have the results sent to my lawyer in case he tries to fight me for the kids if things get nasty. He has said absolutely nothing to me about his e-mail relationship, but I have snooped and know the OW is going back to her own country soon - i haven't asked for access to his e-mail account or his cellphone - I guess I have been too scared, since he was so furious with me when he found out I had e-mailed OW and asked her to keep her promise to stop chatting - she hasn't kept her promise - he said he was sorry the next day, and things have continued to soften between us - he asked me on Thurs eve if I was ready to go to counselling and basically I said anytime - he's been gone since Fri eve and will be home in about an hour. So I'm kind of feeling I'm willing to give this another two weeks, but I need him to make some movement here, or else the time has come to ask him to leave. I'm willing for him to stay if he makes a commitment to work on 'us' and that will include his need for EA's, but I can't begin to address how I fail him if he won't talk to me. As far as I'm concerned, these EA's and the secrecy have to end. Period. Or no marriage. Tha't s the bottom line for me. But I haven't made this clear to him. Have been too scared to rock the boat.
Does this help?
Odile

Hi, <p>Take it one step at a time. Watch his reactions. If you see a sense of reasoning return then you know he is coming out of the fog. Sometimes due to renewed contact, they revert quickly. Take advantage of the couseling sessions he has agreed to. Try hard to make sure these decisions are his so that when he tries to give you flack, you can remind him how it was his decision. You may see his frustration when his own words are used back at him but let that be. <p>As for your condition, make sure you are getting proper care. There are several from MB that are in the England area. If you want to know who they are, you can put a post out there. I know Venus and Lizzle are 2 and there are more. <p>Hope this helps. <p>L.

Odile - this is the pits to be in the manner of depression you are in. This affair doesn't help out any either.<p>I have been pretty depressed with my WH, and his affair and his attitude here. In talking with people I also found out that I am probably going into a 2nd depression now with not being able to grieve properly with my fathers death, he died in January. I haven't been able to go through the 4 steps of grieving, because of WH attitude here.<p>I would give counseling a try, sounds like you need to have a weekly session, if possible. Counseling will help, and can help, sounds like you two are willing to make a go of it. <p>But like Orchid said, the OW has to be out of the picture. I wouldn't think 100% that his affair wasn't physical. My H told me for 6 months it wasn't physical, just emotional. Then I found out it was, and it was a big blow to bear. I think of all the lies, the deceit, the betrayal, and I had sex with my H between the times, and the possiblity of him having STD.<p>Remember, the WS will lie, take money, and etc. Don't trust their statements, I was lied to all the time. He needs to give you his cell phone, and be accountable for all his time, money, etc. Yes the WS feel like captives, but their actions show that they are not to be trusted.<p>This is hard, and it could be good going as long as the two of you make a committment with each other. Otherwise, a divorce will probably happen. Remember, he is the father, you two have made history together, and vows and committment.

Thanks again, everyone. Just for the record. I am not currently 'depressed'. Since I have been depressed in the past, I know what it feels like - the fatigue, despair, lack of interest in life, constant weeping. That is not me right now, and that's why I feel I want to try to make it through this thing without AD's. But my H HAS been cruel to me when I was depressed - even his own family members feel he doesn't understand depression - so what I'm saying is he really doesn't know what NORMAL means - it's very convenient for him to put my anger and frustration down to 'depression' instead of seeing my reactions as legitimate reactions to the situations I find myself in. I think getting angry and feeling hurt at finding out your H has a secret E life is normal - he says I'm pathologically jealous. Well - a little difference of opinion there. I do think he wants to come to counselling, and I'm holding out hope that this will help us - I recognize that it wasn't easy living with a W with PND - but I'm not an ogress, I'm the woman he loved and married, still the same kind and loving woman he loved and married - I haven't changed - the kids are beautiful - I'm not afraid to have a psych evaluation, and I'm not afraid to have my kids questioned by a Child Welfare Officer - so I don't know - he needs to wake up to what he has got to lose. He seems to be trying, and I'm trying to accept that he's making babysteps, but at some point, big decisions are going to have to be made, and I have to be prepared, and be willing to take the steps I need to take with peace of mind. What tears me up is my boys. I remember the day my own father left (DV) - coming home from school and finding his clothes gone - the PAIN and ANGUISH - he came to see us that w/end and was a faithful w/end father - I'm very close to him now, but it has always been my worst nightmare to think my own kids would go through that. I also understand the pain of not being able to grieve - my brother died in May last year - I found out about EA no. 1 a few days after his funeral - my sister-in-law died in Nov (suicide)and I really thought my H had learned the value of a faithful and loving wife, but I found EA no. 2 beg of Feb. Here I am. One day at a time.
Grateful for this board,
odile

thanks Orchid and Estes - I find your ideas very stabilizing. H is home after w/end away - now seems v. withdrawn to me - tonight 1st eve he won't see her - I think she's gone back to home country for awhile - don't know how long - and no e-mails from her since 01 Mar - but that one made it clear she'd found some excuse to see him again, and she signed herself out "til next time" - when H came home last night, didn't even say hello, or kiss me when he got into bed - today said he had a job to do Fri so cant come to some event which our son is involved in - legitimate work, I believe him - but I asked him what, when and where - he replied v. carefully, as if pacifiying me - hard for me not to LB when this happens - "am I allowed to ask these questions?" i say, trying not to be sarcastic - "Wierd" he says - "I'm not wierd," i say "Perfectly innocent questions - and that's a disrespectful thing to say to me, calling me wierd" Here I go again, getting frustrated - LB'ing. Where is the H who says "Hi, honey I'm home, comes in, wraps his arms around me and says something warm like "haven't seen you ALL DAY!" My H came home after 3 days away and grunted at me. What am I doing here????
Is he going into withdrawal?
Odile

H seems v. down, but responds sometimes to positive attention - gave him 5 Love Languages to read - asked him to read Quality Time, and told him I would read the chapter he chose as his Love Language - I think he's reading it - this AM gave him telephone nos. of 2 priests and asked if he could give me 10 min. Undivided Attention each day - that's what I need - not a lot to ask. Said OK - I think he's unhappy - prob in Withdrawal, but don't know - tired of snooping and have decided (day by day) to choose wht makes me strong instead of what makes me sad. Do I really want to know? Feeling down - had IUD put in yesterday -feeling some discomfort today - H showing concern. Somebody tell me whether I am plan A'ing OK - feeling lost and out of touch - am going to doctor next wk to ask for prof counselling (in England we have to wait our turn in line for these things).
Odile

Hello,<p>I know you are feeling really alone. This is a very hard time because you are hurt, frustrated, confused and at the same time realize that you have to avoid LBs and be considerate of H.<p>First, be patient - as hard as it is. There is no need to push too quickly to resolve this. As you will read at MB, most couples take months, sometimes years, before it becomes clear to them whether the M will recover or whether it is time to D. Take your time because your family's future is at stake.<p>Your H probably is in withdrawal. You can expect it to take him 6 weeks or more of NO contact to begin to work his way out of his depression. During this time you probably will not get much in the way of a positive response from him because he is wrapped up in his own distress. That H will read the material you offer him is a good sign. <p>You ask what to do in the meantime while you wait.
It is so tough. IMO, concentrate on the children and on yourself. Try to keep the kids' routines as normal as possible. Maybe try to schedule some fun outings with them. Be very careful about having them overhear any emotional conversations between you and H. Let them talk to you about their concerns if they seem stressed. Stress that you and H love them.<p>You say H is not willing yet to talk about the state of your marriage. Don't push it. He is not ready. Do reflect on how you and he related up until the time the A began. Can you identify any areas of continued conflict or tension? If H willing, ask him to identify his top emotional needs (There is a questionnaire that you can print from the main site or you can get the book.)
However, don't have high expectations. H can't handle much, yet. Once he is recovering from withdrawal, he will probably be more receptive.<p>Study MB principles. Read the relationship books suggested on the forums. Concentrate on building your confidence and skills. It will help you have more faith in your ability to cope. Actually, odile, you sound like a strong woman. You seem to be doing rather well, considering.<p>As hard as it is, pretend that you are OK when you are around your H. Show him (pretend, if necessary) that you will be OK even if things don't work out between you. Be polite and respectful of your H's struggles. But, IMO, you have a right to set boundaries. You have a right to ask H to cease communicating with OW. Decide what you will tolerate and what action you will take if H violates those boundaries, then tell your H. Think hard about your boundaries because you have to be willing to follow through if H chooses to cross the boundaries.<p>Whew, sorry to be so long-winded. It's always easier to give the advice than to take the action. In brief, what I am saying is - Don't rush things, concentrate on strengthening yourself, and help the kids feel safe. MB teaches us that we can't change WS. We can't make them stop seeing OP. However, we can use this time of their indecision to strengthen ourselves so that we WILL be OK regardless of what WS decides.<p>BTW, I had a wonderful opportunity to spend 3 weeks in the UK summer before last. I had a great time and hope to return this coming August.
Also, my brother-in-law is from Manchester.<p>Wishing you well,
Estes

Dear Estes,
Thank you so much for your advice. I am sobbing my heart out right now, reading it, because I have been trying to be so strong, and I hear everything you are saying, and know what I have to do - doing it without LB'ing is the hard part. I have dived into my H's e-mail a/c w/ the commitment to myself that I will not react to anything I find - but I have printed everything out and am handing it to my lawyer on Wed (these papers are at work right now - he can't get them) - I feel I need to do this in the event of a D in the future, although that will be months or years away if that happens. These msgs reveal to me that the EA is ongoing, has not passed into a PA yet, but could - the only thing holding them back is that this girl is in a committed long-term relationship, which is part of her conversation with my H - she tells him about her BF - signs are that my H is deeply in love, and showing signs of anxiety and poss jealousy - she has needed to reassure him about her feelings for her - her BF is in France and visits her every 2 weeks or so - my H is obviously feeling the strain of holding back - he promises her he will not "overstep the mark" again - she says she is anxious that other people might find out they are still meeting "from time to time" - they meet (he lies about this) for drinks, they TXT msg each other every day, and e-mail each other on waking, or on going to bed. The truth for me to realize is that my H is deeply in love with someone else, and involved with her in every way but sex - but that still may come - the affair still hasn't run it's course. She is supposed to go back to F in June "for good" - the quotation marks are my H's - and he is obviously trying to prepare himself to deal with this loss - she's only 22 and I think she's bitten off more than she can chew, but shows few signs yet of wanting to give up the happy feelings she gets out of seeing him - my warnings to her have made no difference. Yes, the only thing holding me back is the memory I have of coming home and finding my father's clothes gone, after he left us for a young woman (how history repeats itself!). I don't want to inflict that sorrow on my boys, so I am trying to hang on. My priest gives me the same advice as you, although he says that this may be something my H has to go through and trying to put the lid on it won't work - give him some slack in the lead, let the A run its course - then he will either hang himself with it, or climb back up the rope. He tells me to strengthen myself and my own position before I confront him - and I think he's right - for now this is very painful for me to watch, but I have to work on myself - my H has his own choices to make - whenever I do talk to him, I try to make sure he knows those choices are his. PLEASE keep in touch with me - my friends all have their own opinions - this site is the only one which gives my real, solid, support, which I really need right now - I don't always know if I'm doing the right thing.
Thanks so much, Odile

Hi Odile,<p>It is 10:30 PM in West Texas. I think it's about 4:30 AM UK time.<p>I went to JFO and read the replies to your original post there. It looks like you found several people there who can be supportive to you. Bump your post if you want to renew your thread. Just type anything, BUMP or ^^, and your post will go to the top again.<p>I want to tell you a little about my experience so that you know where I have learned what I do about infidelity. I am not BS. My 33 year-old son is. My DIL has been like a daughter to us. When she became involved in an A a year ago this month, she filed for D (on hold) and moved to another state to be with OM. She took our then 2 year-old grandson with her. Our son has experienced all of the classic feelings that all BS do. I have suffered the feelings of betrayal by a DIL I love and the anger and sadness from seeing my S and GS hurt by her selfish choices. There is no end in sight for their situation. She does not see OM romantically any more, but is still in contact. Son moved there a few months ago to be able to work on the M better and be near his son. They are in MC and IC. He is still waiting to see what DIL will do regarding regaining feelings for him and rebuilding the M. I found MB while looking for help for him. <p>What I have learned by reading here and SAA and other books on infidelity is that the BS can't do anything to stop the affair. Any pressuring, arguing, begging will only give the WS an excuse to justify his actions and prove he was right to look for OW. So what is the BS to do in the face of the disgraceful treatment that the WS is giving them?<p>First, give yourself permission to grieve. It is normal and expected to go through the whole range of painful feelings. Accept that you will be hurting for a long time, BUT you will make it through this, one way or the other. If you choose to follow MB principles, you will emerge a winner. No one says it will not hurt, but you will have your own self-respect and be someone your children will be proud of and that your H must respect, regardless of his eventual choice.
I know that my son has said that he wants to be able to tell his little boy that he did everything he could to keep the family together. When all is said and done, he wants it to be clear that it was DIL's choices that broke up the family, not his. <p>I think that you H's relationship with this girl is doomed. He is a temporary diversion for her. She doesn't want to marry him. I think that your H is being set up for a huge letdown when she goes home. However, the easy internet access will still be a cause for worry. For your M to be safe, something has to change about your H's need to have these online affairs. He must get some counseling to get over this weakness of his.
He probably will not be willing to do this until she is gone.<p>Your priest has given you excellent advice. If you can hold on, let the A play out. It will. Then, it's up to your H. He will either go into counseling to get over his behavior that threatens your M, or he won't. Then, it will be your turn. If he will not change, you have the choice of staying in spite of the infidelity which will probably happen again, or divorcing. You have to decide what you can tolerate.<p>Are you familiar with MB's Plan B? You may not be to that point yet, but it is an option for the future. If while waiting for the A to die, you reach the point that you are losing all love for your H, Plan B allows you to separate - cut off all contact - and avoid the continuing pain from the blatant disrespect the A is causing. That is, tell him to move out until the A is over and he is ready to make the changes necessary to rebuild your M.<p>A few questions: You say that the only thing holding you back is the memory of your father leaving. Are you saying that you want H out of your life for good, that you definitely would D him if it weren't for the children? Or that you want him to move out for the duration of the A? Or that you are hurting so much that you can't stand the pain anymore? If H were to give up this destructive behavior for good, do you still want him? What does your priest advise you about D? I am Anglican, not Catholic, so I don't know what the Catholic church says about D as a result of infidelity.<p>I'm here when you need to talk. <p>Take care,
Estes<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Hi Estes and Orchid - Having a good day today, Monday - H not home from W yet. I have started to play squash (like racketball) with a friend (also a beginner) - last week went to squash club by myself and felt v. shy, but persevered and managed 2 games with total strangers who were v. nice d- I laughed a lot, and am finding out how much I enjoy myself when I am not around my H, standing in his shadow. Last Fri, had a mini-argument w/ H - guess I have pushed him too hard - have been trying gently to approach him about EN's
- said could he give me 10 minutes out of each day, didn't have to talk, could just cuddle - he v positive, but it ended in an argument - he complained my cuddling was too uncomfortable and I got hurt - went from there - in the end he said if being married to him and living in the same house wasn't good enough for me, that was too bad. I said, actually it isn't good enough. And he left and slept in the guest room. the next AM, when I got out of the shower, he was standing there with my morning coffee and said "Now where were we before we got mad at each other?" I accepted his peace offering and we went upstairs and "got close" while our son watched TV downstairs. It's hard - I just think he's such a yo-yo right now - one day he's terribly down, the next he's trying to be normal with me - I realize his EA is ongoing, and hasn't run it's course yet, and I think I've finally got a handle on keeping calm about that - in fact, today I had this incredibly peaceful feeling come over me in my morning prayer ( I get up every AM at 6 and read the Bible with a publication called Bible Alive) - for the first time, I actually felt THANKFUL, strange as this sounds, for having received this chance to grow. I can't really explain that, but I'm trying to hold onto that thought. It helps me to just let go of dear old H and his mixed-up feelings (not that I really think he has any left for me right now) - oh well, keep my eyes on the ball - squash tonight - choir practice tomorrow and my friends are trying to organize us all going salsa dancing (I speak fluent Spanish and so do some of my friends - we want to get together and practice. Sometimes, when I'm feeling strong I think to myself - you carry on with whatever it is you have to do, but me, I've got a life to live. How do I reconcile this feeling with wanting to stay and work on the M? Because if it weren't for the kids, I think I would be long gone by now after all this. BUMP
Odile

Just wanted to post to you to let you know you are not alone. You are doing great so far. Just read everything and remember to get ready for the roller-coaster ride. <p>Some days you feel good, others you feel terrible. My H also had an EA -- the only reason it wasn't PA was because there was no opportunity to get together. I think he is out of the fog -- we are going to MC and reading SAA. <p>Just hang in there. Try to look at your marriage before D-day and think about what needs you H might have had that you were not meeting -- not that you are responsible for your H's choice to have an A. I know my H said he liked the attention he got from the OW. I have been trying to meet his need for Admiration and give him more attention.<p>Anyway, just keep posting and reading -- I know it has helped me.

Hello,<p>I think you are dealing beautifully with your situation. You are taking care of yourself spiritually, you are involved socially, you're getting exercise, your are learning to stay calm with your H and pull back from things you can't change. GREAT!<p>Now, remember that you will do really well some days and feel like all is lost on others. If you can do it, hang in with Plan A and try really hard to avoid pressuring H for anything until after OW leaves. H won't be ready to work on things for awhile yet. <p>I'm flying to New Mexico this afternoon for a 4-day visit with my son and grandson, but I'll check in from there. I will probably see my DIL while I am there. I'll have to remember Plan A myself. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care,
Estes<p>PS: Like FormerHopelessOne said, try to figure out what your H's EN might be since he's not talking. Pick an EN-of-the-day or EN-of-the-week, and practice it on him. Make him an experiment and see how it goes. Can you tell I'm a science teacher? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi all!
Oh, you are all so great! Sometimes I get so stressed I can't think of anything positive to do with my H - making him an EN experiment is a great idea - I'll try it - I guess I haven't been thinking about our M BEFORE because in some ways its too painful to face what I think I have lost - but I know one thing - I wouldn't want to go back to that M and the way I was - I am trying to figure out how I have let my H down - and have been trying to change those things that I think I can see - I think I am making progress with the LB's - as far as meeting his EN's, that's a hard one - Admiration is one of them, Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship - all these I think are issues for him - I can do the first two, but RC is something hard for me right now - he's having this need met by OW, AND being in his company ain't something I feel much like doing right now, since inside I'm still so mad at him - BUT - CAUSE FOR REJOICING TODAY - my H told me this AM that he is going for his first counselling session today w/ our priest. Babysteps. And no expectations. But its good he's finally going on his own and good he let me know. This eve I'm going back to choir rehearsal. H is out too - will poss meet with OW, but I'm trying not to worry about that - keep telling myself it has to run it's course, even if it gets physical.
Estes - good luck with your trip to NM - enjoy the time with your S and GS - how happy they will be to see you - you have been so supportive of me, I am sure you are tremendously loved by them. I'd love to visit NM someday - that's what I miss about America - the open space and the big sky.
Ciao for now!
Odile

Just to say thank you to FHO - yes, I'm glad you remind me that I have to be prepared for the rollercoaster ride and also that sometimes things can be ugly. This I'm already seeing - he's up and down like a yo-yo - quite aloof these last few days - he goes through withdrawal on the days he doesn't see her and also reacts nastily to me if he senses I don't like something he is doing - he doesn't know that I know he is still seeing her and is v. suspicious of me - suspects me of snooping and talking to other people but can't prove it. I am, to be honest, afraid that he's going to snap and have a breakdown - counsellng might release a lot of STUFF for him which I'm not sure he can handle - so yes, I'm concerned about him - but I just have to hold on to my hat and try to respond to him in a positive way when and if he comes my way. I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. The most helpful thing is knowing I'm not alone and that other people are going through and have gone through so much of the same kind of things. I hope things are going well for you and thank you for your post to me.
Odile

Just saying HI from NM. You are right to try not to think about possible contact w/OW as there is nothing you can do to change it without LB in a big way.<p>Choir practice!! Sigh..I do not have a musical bone in my entire body. I am good at catching snakes and lizards, though. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Estes

Checking in - feeling a little low - H came home from counselling session yesterday aft - I was making dinner in the kitchen - walked in, said "Well, that wasn't very productive!" I said, v quietly "Do you want to talk about it/ You don't have to." He was standing next to me, and suddenly slammed something down on the counter next to me and started shouting "YOU are entirely in the clear, and I am ENTIRELY to blame! I get punched in the face, but I'm the one entirely to blame. So much for the F-ing Church!" He stormed out into the backyard and started kicking things and breaking up pieces of wood and throwing things. He came back into the kitchen and kicked the laundry basket across the room. I just stood there looking down, hoping he wouldn't hit me. He left the kitchen, slammmed the door and kicked it and went upstairs. I could hear him striding around upstairs. I quickly finished dinner and then got my coat and shoes on - my 6 yr old was with a friend - she was supposed to bring him back in half and hour, and my H was supposed to go out in 20 min to do a service - I decided to just go to my friends house and get my son myself - I called up the stairs that dinner was ready if he wanted some and left - I told him I'd be back soon. I stayed at my friend's and talked to her a little - she's a psychiatrist and I haven't confided in her before - she's a mum from school and our little boys play together. But I was really scared of my H, and still am - I don't really know what he's capable of and it's like watching a volcano boiling over. She said he would prob calm down - he reacted like that because he was told something he didn't want to hear. She said if I really felt in danger, to get out with my son. I went home and met my next-door neighbor on the street outside our house, b/c her 16 yr old daughter was supposed to babysit for us last night - our houses share a wall, so we can each hear each other's fights - I can talk to her - she has been thru Hell - her H had an affair 3 yrs ago, left, and then died of cancer 18 mos ago - her 2 kids have both had lots of problems since then - anyway, my H was gone, she said she'd seen him leave and when I didn't answer the door, they were worried about me - so I let her daughter take my son and I went in with her to talk. We talked a lot, which helped, and I asked her if she heard all Hell break loose at my house, to please call the police and she said she would - b/c I think my H is becoming more and more unglued and more and more irrational - I have to confess I'm scared of him now - he doesn't seem to be able to take any responsibility for what's happening in our lives and blames me - I'm afraid he's going to snap and hurt me - well, he came home very late - I made sure I was in bed with the lights off when he came in - and I had my coat, shoes and keys ready to grab if I needed them in a hurry. He came upstairs and got into bed and that was that - no fireworks. I just dozed all night and got up this AM at 6 - I tried to just be normal and brought a cup of tea to him as per usual - he stayed in bed longer than usual - he said thank you - and we had about 15 minutes in each other's presence before I left for work - I don't really know if he's calmed down - just more in control - seemed to be v withdrawn - today I see my lawyer - appt I made earlier - also talking to my neighbor last night have a better idea about some of my rights and how I might survive as a single mom, although it would be hard. I'm not leaping out of this just yet - still feel I have to give it time, but feeling anxious and not altogether safe - if things get REALLY bad, violence-wise, ofcourse I will leave. I guess this is the roller coaster.
Odile

^^BUMP^^