I just wanted to introduce myself...I am the wayward wife of Zane. He has posted but will be moving the topic over here shortly. We are not living together at the moment and have so many issues that even National Geographic cant rival us. So here we are to share our story with complete strangers who should have no biased opinions of us. Im going to let him post first since he was the one who was betrayed. Hopefully someone can give advice that we will hear. Thank You.

I was just thinking if there were any married couples here where both spouses posts here. My WS isn't online yet, but when he does get online I'm going to give him the link to this site. <p>He did ask me if being here, on the site, really has helped me..<p>My response: It's helping me learn how to "get over it" as you call it. Said w/ a smile. <p>Welcome Wendy.. Keep posting and sharing!<p>[ March 03, 2002: Message edited by: hopin2heal61497 ]</p>

Just a quick welcome to you BOTH!! Sorry that you have the situation in your life to need a place like this, but there are many of us here in similar situations. Please read the MB web-site principles, and read and post often. There are several couples that post here, and I'm sure they can be of great support to you.<p>What you both need to understand is there's hope for your marriage. You both have issues outside the relationship that need to be worked on. The best thing to do is face them head-on. If you don't, you'll just carry the same baggage to other relationships throughout your life. Figure out why things happened the way they did, and how to get them straightened out. <p>Marriage can be a wonderful thing!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You 2 need to do everything you can to learn about yourselves, and learn how to treat each other, so that you can build a fulfilling marriage that can withstand anything.<p>Start by reading the MB prinicples, reading other stories here, and posting lots of questions.

Wendy,<p> Welcome to MB. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>This is my second affair I said I would marry him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings
I said I Do (a year later) because I thought it was love
<hr></blockquote><p> This is from your signature line. I want you to sit back and think of this statement. Then tell me if this is the truth or as good an excuse as any?
When the first affair ended, is this how you truly felt at that time? Does Zanes drug use have an
major impact on how you feel and is it a cause for this second affair?<p> I am sorry but I do not believe your sig line. You said you would marry him so you would not hurt his feelings? You married him because you thought it was love? Come on! This is a cop-out. <p> Admit there were/are problems in the marriage. But be real about it as well. You married Zane because you loved him.....<p> Please don't take this as me flaming you or attacking you. That is not my intention. I just want to see you truly contemplate on all this.<p> jd

Welcome Wendy,<p>You're a breath of fresh air to me. - a wayward spouse who wants to work on your marriage.

I am the BS and my H is the WH. He posts here quite reguarly. Hope you two find this beneficial to your marriage. <p>It hasn't done much good here. Life is pure h*ll.<p>But it takes 2 to want the marriage to work and then you will also feel good about yourself. My H doesn't want to follow any plan. Counseling with the MB, Jennifer and Steve both gave my H a plan, to no avail. <p>Anyways, try hard!!!!

Thanks for the replies.<p> JdMac...as a matter of fact what I wrote in my signature line is the absolute truth and I will try to explain it to you. <p>Jd and I started out our relationship purely on a sexual basis, we ended up pregnant, I had just turned 18 and he was 27, I gave him the choice of whether or not he wanted to keep the baby and he said he wasnt ready, so we had an abortion. I didnt think i could raise the baby on my own and i didnt want him to dump me had i chose differently. Well we both regret that decision to this day. <p> However, we didnt learn our lesson and continued our sexual relationship and one day we were in the shower and he asked me to marry him, no ring, no planning...nothing. The exact thought that was in my head was this...I dont want to get married but if i say no then he will leave me and your supposed to say yes when a man asks you to marry him. So i said yes. <p> And lo and behold very shortly after that, we found out we were expecting again. Well everyone assumed we were getting married for the baby and I didnt want people to think that so we waited until she was 11 months old. By that time, although we had problems (no $, preemie baby, medical bills,his horrible boss/dad)I thought that what we had was love because no one in my life said they loved me as much as he did. <p> But we got into ruts and depression and he started getting high way too much, im talking daily, not coming home from work and going to his brothers house instead. And when he did come home he laid on the couch and slept or zoned out and never came to bed with me, even though i asked him to. So of course his drug use, i viewed as more important to him than me and hailey. So it started a downward spiral. <p>I had the first affair and it was strictly sex. Jd even did things that a husband would not do if he loved his wife. I felt like he held me out to Steve in a way that said, See what i have, See what you dont? Showing him a semi nude photo of me, joking about Steve holding the camera. Sometimes i think that my husband just loves the idea of me, the idea of having a wife that is sort of pretty and likes to stay in shape. <p>Im rambling and i apologize. Jd takes no blame for what has happened in our marriage, he says that nothing he has done could have driven me to do this, well i completely disagree. It takes both parties to screw things up. <p>I should add since we are being honest here one little thing. After this last affair came out, Jd admitted to me that he had an affair on me BEFORE my first affair, yet he never mentioned it before last month. By his own admission, an affair is lusting after someone else, kissing, everything that one would do with a spouse. So he had an affair even though he says they were naked in bed but didnt have sexual intercourse. He let his whole family hang me out to dry when in the back of his mind, he knew that he was exactly like me. <p>Man this has gotten way off course. Jd is telling me that i have two options.
1) Come back to him, move back in and work on our marriage
2) Move to Dallas to be with Victor<p>He says he isnt holding our daughters in the middle of this although he has told them that mommy kissed another man and doesnt love daddy anymore. Thats what my 3 year old told me.
I totally admit that what I have done is /was wrong. I will never deny that. There is so much that you all dont know, sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to explain things. I hope this gives you a little more information, and there is an extreme amount that wasnt even covered. So post away with your thoughts and opinions...<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: Wendy_n_Texas ]</p>

Wendy your story hits so close to home in many of it's details that it's almost scary.<p>My xW started having affairs during our marriage and she did not try to hide the last one which resulted in the birth of a baby boy.<p>I divorced her because the situation had become so intolerable with the knowledge of what she was doing and more so with the fact of her beign a total b**** all the time that she was home with me and our daughters. I had to protect not only myself but more importantly our daughters from her abusive behavior.<p>You said in your husband's thread that you have raised your daughters to be polite and well maneared, and I have no reason to beleive otherwise. But children do pick up on their parents behavior, because both my daughters were witness to their mom kissing other men in our bed in front of them, while I was at work, and then later asking me why their mom was doing this. What kind of example was their mother showing them as far how a married woman is supposed to behave when her husband is not around? Now I can't accuse you of doing the same thing as my xW because I have not been there to witness your affairs in progress but my point here is that we adults don't realize how aware children really are of their parents behaviors.<p>If what you say about what your husband told your 3 year old is true, then I agree with you that this is a despicable action on his part. But if your daughter saw you kiss another man and she asked your husband why you did that, then I have to conclude that you also committed a despicable action against your child.<p>Joe

Hi Wendy ~<p>I married my H for all the wrong reasons too. He and I both realize that now - but it does NOT mean that our marriage can't be happy and fulfilling. Love - at least the emotion of love - comes and goes, and you can feel it towards lots of people that you shouldn't or wouldn't marry.<p>Mature love takes a decision and lots of work. Whether or not you should have gotten married to Zane...you did...and you now have a history and children and all that normal stuff that comes with marriage, regardless of WHY you married.<p>As I told your husband, it sounds like you have alot of co-dependency issues. Did you grow up in a home affected by addiction? Because I am sure it was no accident that you married an addict. As SNL often says on these boards - the 2 of you "fit" - the disease of addiction and its companion co-dependency.<p>Does THIS make your marriage unfixable? No. It sounds like Zane is dealing with his addictions. Have you gotten help for yourself? It's my own personal experience from living under the shadow of addiction my whole life that that us codependents end up even MORE messed up than the addict - because we had to live thru the effects of their disease stone sober. At least they had a bit of anathesetic!<p>You sound depressed. And depression is the result of repressed anger that is escaping (you can't keep it repressed) by turning in on YOU. <p>Your affairs probably made you feel better about yourself for awhile anyway...<p>But the fact of the matter is that you are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage now. So if you leave now...and find someone else...you are gonna have 50% of your OLD marriage still with you - unless you get help for yourself.<p>So I'd like to suggest that you seek out a 12step program for co-dependents, and/or counseling for yourself - and give it 6 months of really hard work on yourself before making any life changing decisions.<p>As you start to get better, you will make better decisions.<p>Good luck.

Here is the thing...I never did anything in front of my girls, other than talk on the phone a couple of times. However,I watched what i said. Children do pick up so many things from their parents, i realize that, just them seeing me gone from the house is crushing them, teaching them that your supposed to make yourself happy at the expense of others, but i dont want them to see me stay in a marriage that makes me heavy hearted.<p> I feel more alive since i have left than i have in a very long time. But should i move back, make them happy again, and then after 6 months of working on the marriage if it still doesnt work, crush them again? I told JD and i meant this with all of my heart, I told him that I NEVER want to hurt him again, and if there is even the slightest chance that i will, then i wont come back. He deserves someone who loves him the way that he loves me.<p> Last night he came over to where im staying, (i had the girls this weekend) and we watched a movie and had pizza~ It was great, He was great, then guess what? Victor called while he was here. I didnt answer but did listen to the message and called him back. <p> Our conversation wasnt as smooth as usual either, so after just a few minutes rather than 2 hours I told him i was going to bed. I also told him that I was being unfair to him, that I could not give him children, i have baggage, etc etc.

He said that I am worth EVERYTHING and I so want to believe him. He makes me feel strong and beautiful and like i can do anything. Our relationship was pure at first, he helped me take a stand in my marrige, encouraged me to speak up and not live so unhappily. If i had to take everything back, I would NOT. I just would not sleep with him. I will never regret meeting him. I have never felt this way about any other man in my life, I view him as a partner instead of a father figure/roommate/brother. I have so many co-dependency issues. And thats why im starting to understand and im trying to break out of. I told myself, if i leave jd, i dont want to jump into a relationship with another man, i want to do this on my own, be independent, seek counseling to work on whats wrong with me.<p>Im dreading what will come, Im dreading the depression, the heartbreak of ending this relationship, but perhaps it will show me in just a slight way what i did to Jd. Victor said that if i told him to, he would go away. He said he loved me that much to do whatever it takes for me to be happy, even if it meant restoring my marriage. I want to shout to the world that he isnt as evil as everyone thinks, and neither am i, but what we did pierced many hearts besides our own. I am completey in love with this man, but im learning that i need to love ME first, before I can love anyone else. And in the end, that will teach my girls to be strong and stand up for themselves. Thanks for listening everyone but I really think that I dont belong here. You may view me as weak, I even view myself that way, but what MissPriss said was right, there are no excuses, so there really is no sense in trying to tell everyone my side of the story. Good Luck with all of your lives and I do appreciate your honesty.<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: Wendy_n_Texas ]</p>

I just started noticing this myself a few weeks ago.<p>The WS tends to answer so many questions without realizing that they are doing so.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I am completey in love with this man, but im learning that i need to love ME first, before I can love anyone else. <hr></blockquote><p>Now.....if you need to love YOU first then how are you sure that you are completely in love with this OM?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Children do pick up so many things from their parents, i realize that, just them seeing me gone from the house is crushing them, teaching them that your supposed to make yourself happy at the expense of others <hr></blockquote><p>Which is more of a reason for you to take a step back and look more closely at your situation. This is exactly what you are teaching your children.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I told myself, if i leave jd, i dont want to jump into a relationship with another man, i want to do this on my own, be independent, seek counseling to work on whats wrong with me. <hr></blockquote><p>By having communication with the OM you are doing exactly what you told yourself you wouldn't do.
You aren't doing this on your own.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Our conversation wasnt as smooth as usual either, so after just a few minutes rather than 2 hours I told him i was going to bed. I also told him that I was being unfair to him, that I could not give him children, i have baggage, etc etc. <hr></blockquote><p>You are also being unfair to your H and your children. Why is that not as important?
Also....what exactly is the baggage?<p>I didn't post to bash you....sorry if that is what it seems like.....but to make a point.
Your paragraphs contradict from sentence to sentence.
We like to call this......FOG.<p>Take care