Hello,<p>I was the other woman.. I dated a man who was married, I didn't know he was married when I met him, but when I found out I stayed and felt that the wife was a fool for letting him go. Of course she was the bad guy..of course she didn't understand him...of course he was the perfect husband and Father and woe is him, she just didn't appreciate him, his words. She had tripped out on religion, she gave away his hard earned possesions to the church.<p>I didn't investigate, I accepted everything he said, I really believed, or so I convinced myself I did, that this woman was crazy and I had stuck gold. <p>Well, lo and behold...the wife had a nervouse breakdown, because he left her for me..we were living together and she was pregnant with his child, he told me she had a boyfriend and it was his, his own child. His wife and children ended up in a shelter, not even his mother told me..nor his brothers, nor his friends. They ended up in a shelter a couple of times, he kept sticking her on the child support and the alimony.<p>He was the perfect step parent to my son, but he neglected his own children, he was never financially responsible, (cause he paid so much child support, his version for me). <p>Well, I'm sorry to say twelve years later, he left me the same way he left his wife, no warning, no change in behavior, no apology, no respect. He even told the very same lies on me he told on his wife. I found out he had another woman when I brought him home from the hospital and went back to cook dinner and he would not open the door. He told my girlfriend after I had her call, we needed to be friends, he didn't want to be bothered. He nows lives with another woman, she is me and I am his wife, the same pain, the same disbelief minus the breakdown, but maybe not, I have considered suicide.<p>I have heard from him once since May of 2001, when I brought him home, that was when his son died in a car accident, he called for comfort, I prayed for him and stood firm in my choice to let him have his freedom. <p>The reason I know all of this is because I have talked to the ex wife when his son died, and she shared with me the pain and horror he took her through with me, not in anger or blame, but in appreciation, because she has grown so much and realized he was not worth it and has moved on in her life. She called to make sure I came to her sons funeral, because I loved him and he loved me, and she felt I had treated her children with love and her with respect.<p>Well, I sit here drinking Absolute and smoking my self silly, hurting and crying and hoping God will forgive me also, because you really do reap what you sow.<p>Why am I sharing this??? Because sometimes in my pain, I need to know that he will reap what he has sown, I need to believe that he will feel the pain I have felt so acutely these last months. I hope to help you know, what I need to know that God is not mocked, whatever a man sows that is what he shall reap. I hope those of you who love your husbands and wives will know the other woman/man will know the pain you feel, it may take some time, I wish I had gone through this sooner, but now I'm old and wrinkled and pitiful, life spent on someone who has not the morals or human kindness to provide closure or respect for a twelve year relationship. I at least should have rated disclosure, respect and some honor, but then.....so did his wife.<p>I provide no excuses, hopefully when you are lost in your pain and you are asking God why why, have you let him prosper, why must I be the one to bear all the grief, remember me...and know that God is not mocked, whatever a man sowth, that shall he reap.<p>May God bless you all and propel you into your destiny.

wow.... I am pretty much speechless. thanks for sharing.....<p>just wanted to let you know you are heard here. Please read and hang around. Learn, and you can also get some support here to learn, and to hopefully get past your pain a little bit. <p>He will get what's coming to him. He's not as happy as he may think he is. "What comes around goes around", and he will certainly get what he deserves.<p>sorry... I don't have anything more profound to say.. thank you so much for sharing... pleasse stay a while...

I am sorry for your pain, but thank you for sharing your story with us. <p>I am not finding joy in your pain, but it is just another confirmation that He keeps His promises.<p>I will pray for you tonight.<p>Elizabeth

Reaping,<p>I am so sorry for your pain. I am a BS, and it's sometimes hard for me to empathize with a WS, but I do. That H of yours has inflicted so much hurt on so many, it's unimaginable. I think it's wonderful the xx-W of his has moved ahead of all this and God has looked after her and her children, I felt incensed knowing she had to go to shelters after he abandoned her that way. <p>I'm sure God will look after you too, hon.<p>If it's okay, I would like to know something. In the 12 years that you were married to him, were you two happy, I mean really happy? Or, did guilt of the A weigh on your relationship/marriage at all?<p>Myself and I'm sure many BS here would be very interested to know how those 12 years of marriage went for you two, that is, if we're not prying.<p>Prayers for your healing, Reaping. And God's speed.<p>Love,
Jo

Wow,
Reaping, what a wonderful lady his x wife was to include you and talk to you so frankly. We could all learn some lessons from this.
You will do what she has done, recover and be stronger and someday glad this happened to make you the person you are.
The absolute did not cloud your clarity of vision. Now its time to look ahead.
We all have pain and we can share the load, you are not alone.

Reaping,<p>Thanks for sharing this story. It’s obvious that you are in pain and have learned a terrible lesson. Though all of this you have grown. There is a lot you can learn on this site and a lot of support available. It’s not unusual for a person to find himself or herself being the OP/BS/WS at different times. Though I hope none of us ever have to deal with this again.<p> You need to not worry about your H paying the piper some day. My bet is that he has been paying it for a very long time. How happy is this man really? How many people does he have around him who truly love him? Sounds like he is a man who has to path in life, letting his emotions drag him along. What makes you think that he is going to suddenly be a better man, have a better life? He will treat his new OW the same way he treated his ex and you.<p>It does seem that he has a support system that helps him have affairs and carry out his cruel games. These must be very sorry people.<p>On the other hand his ex-wife seems like a wonderful person. She has come a long way. A good example for you to follow.<p>Perhaps, if the OW will give you the time of day, you and the ex-wife could have lunch with her and tell her your stories. She may not learn from this, but then again she may. <p>Do you want to save your marriage?

Someone asked if we were happy, NO..it started to unravel the first couple of months, but I was determined to help him overcome the pain inflicted upon him by his X. He was a liar from the door, but I was too involved to really believe it, even when faced with evidence. My mom saw him for what he was and stopped speaking to me for a minute. My friend, my only friend in this city was so distressed she would not even talk about him for a really long time.<p>He used my position, my reputation to further his own personal objectives. It's funny how you see things in retrospect, it was all there, but I allowed myself to see only what I wanted to see.<p>I never had any intentions of hurting anyone, least of all his children, who bear scars to this day. His daughter and I have become fairly close and I shudder to think of the choices she has made in her life that are directly related to the breakup and the way he treated her mom.<p>His son died angry with him, I don't mean just the usual teenage anger, but violent don't contact me, I never want to be a parent because of you, type of situation. He has done some really terrible things to these folks, you just would not believe some of it. One example is that he is suing his ex for part of the wrongful death settlement, and it looks like he is going to win.<p>He didn't even go to the burial of his son, he couldn't get a ride. He is dependent on his woman for transportation. What type of woman is this, what could he have said to justify not going to his own sons funeral??? <p>We has some serious problems, sex (on my part) I no longer desired him, money, I couldn't trust him, faith, he has lied so much I couldn't trust anything he said. I loved him very much and was not strong enough to walk away.<p>She ain't getting no hero, and you can believe that. It is not that fact that he abandoned me, we were separated, it is the way he did it. he lied on me and painted me as this person who just did not "appreciate" him, the son of a @#$%. He appears as this really nice guy. If you were to meet him tonite you would believe he was the sweetest person. Everyone, except those who really know him, always say, not Jim, he seemed so nice...he seemed to love you so much. Yeah right. I now know that if it looks like a snake, crawls like a snake, you'd better buy some sulfer.(down south humor).<p>He even went to a party the night before the burial, three blocks from my house, with the ow. He has told anyone who would listen that I am this horrible person and he just could not take anymore. Horrible because I expected him to be a man and live up to his responsiblities. Horrible because I refused to be a doormat anymore...Horrible because I refused to allow my son to witness me being used or abused (emotionally by a man). He has to be a father and the head of a household one day, I be darned if I'll let him see a woman being used and hurt over and over, what would that have meant for my future generations?? What would that have meant for my future daughter in law? Better to hurt like hell now, and God knows I hurt so much some times it seems as if I can't breathe. But I have at least set an exampe of self worth and hopefully an example for him as to how women, especially your wife should be treated.<p>I do not want reconcillation, I do not want to really have to interact with him ever again in life. He does not deserve my love, compassion or concern. We started, lived and ended in lies and deceit. I accept that I am just where I deserve to be, but I also know that I will continue and I will survive and he will know the pain, the horror and the disbelief, that someone you cared about and looked after could treat you like a piece of used toilet paper.<p>Forgive my rambling, I'm in San Diego for a business meeting and feeling lonely and have had just a little too much to drink.<p>Take care

I'm glad you posted again. We don't mind the rambling. <p>I'd swear you were talking about my WH, Jim. haha... but we don't/didn't have kids. I guess it's sad, but many WS's say the same kinds of things. lies to justify their selfish behavior.<p>I hope you stay around a bit and read. And I hope you don't mind if some of us ask you some questions. Feel free to post as much as you want... venting included. I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's not fair at all. I sure won't slap you in the face and say you deserved it... not at all... this is serious stuff - real life - and you sure didn't ask for any of this. We all make mistakes, and we all end up in situations... but it's what we do once we realize it that makes the difference. Pick up the pieces, learn from them, and try to help others.

Reaping ...<p>I thought this would help you regarding your H and the OW. I hope it's appropriate I post it here for you.<p>Jo<p>**************************************************
He'll be different with you, you're special<p>You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his wife. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you.<p>He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time.<p>He's told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He's acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and "honest". And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won't do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You're special. So what if he told his wife the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his [censored] with her? So what if he lied to his therapist and others? He really means it this time, with you.<p>He says things are going to be different with YOU. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He's not going to be like that with YOU. Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he'll be different, because he's told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if he's told other people how you remind him of HER?<p>That doesn't mean he's following the same old patterns, targeting the same types of women. That doesn't mean that he'll be turn emotionally abusive with YOU at some point...) He's such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right? <p>So what if he was busy cutting her down behind her back with their mutual friends while he was telling her she was the "best thing that ever happened to him", and that he had "never loved anyone as much as he loved her"? That doesn't mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won't be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn't give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he'd NEVER do that to YOU.<p>So what if he didn't leave his wife before he got together with you? It's not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades of emotional abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, "help" him.<p>And those stories of how his wife emotionally abandoned him... He's just had it so ROUGH all his life! He told you how she didn't even try to keep the marriage together or say that she wanted to try to salvage their relationship when he said he wanted to separate. She was just so unfeeling! The poor man - here he was trying so HARD and all - seeing a counselor and everything! It couldn't possibly be that SHE was so emotionally beaten down by his behavior that she was RELIEVED when he wanted to leave... He couldn't have been emotionally abusive and dishonest with HER too! If his wife didn't trust him, it had nothing to do with HIM and his behavior - it must have been HER issues.<p>Even if in his past, he DID say, "Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that's easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I'm also inventive ... so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly... It's just I'd rather enjoy the "romance". It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It's also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results, the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads." <p>... he couldn't possibly still have been doing that with his wife, or even YOU. He has REAL, deep feelings for you. You've even seen him cry and show his vulnerable side. That MUST mean he's sincere, right? He couldn't possibly be using YOU for an ego stroke. Not the man YOU know. He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate.<p>He's so sweet, rubbing baby oil all over you, making love, sending you little cards, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? So what if all that "wonderful" behavior shifted until he was telling her he loved her one day and then telling others how horrible she was behind her back the next? He wouldn't do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn't possibly be playing the same game over and over again, with you as the next target. No. This time, he'll be different, with you.<p>So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life? So what if he actually admitted to his wife (just about the time you two started up again): "I am afraid of truth-tellers. I have so many lies in my past and present. The truth burns." That couldn't mean that he was telling lies to YOU. After all, he was so HONEST about his dishonesty so THAT'S got to count for something... It must mean he realizes his mistakes and won't make the same ones again, right? The fact that he acknowledges things is so CONVINCING. If he acknowledges it, then he couldn't possibly STILL do those sorts of things. Sure, sure. He had HER convinced too. But he couldn't possibly be STILL lying to YOU. You're special.<p>Yeah, sure, he might have done those kinds of things in the past, but the past is the past, right? It doesn't have any danger of repeating itself with you. Because you're special. His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that's what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn't EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU. He wouldn't undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU. He'd never make snide remarks about YOU behind your back and then make sure you found out about it. No no no. She must have brought that out in him. But you, you're special.<p>Besides, he's been in therapy. That must mean he's sincere, right? He wouldn't possibly be using the whole "therapy" thing as a cover-up to make himself look better because his reputation got damaged after the fiasco with his wife. He couldn't possibly be using contrition, and the "I feel so bad about myself"-line to get sympathy and support! He couldn't possibly be going after women who have a strong sense of personal responsibility because he knows how to manipulate that to try and get them to feel responsible for HIS sick feelings. He couldn't possibly be seeking out active, intelligent, dedicated women, so that he can PUNISH them when they don't direct all that energy to HIM. Just because he has engaged in such manipulative behavior in the past doesn't mean he would be doing that NOW. Not with YOU. You're SPECIAL.<p>He's so contrite and sincere about "working on his issues", he couldn't possibly be lying about that. Just because he has a history pathological lying to himself and others, doesn't mean he'll be that way with you. Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn't know it's a lie, then he can't be held accountable for it, right? He can always claim that he doesn't have good "memory" for things in the past. But don't worry. He won't use that sort of deception and evasion with YOU. You're special.<p>The poor guy just made bad choices before (you). Sure he made mistakes, but if his ex doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and now think he is mentally ill, it must be because SHE is unstable - I mean, look at how amazing and kind and charming he is with you... He couldn't possibly have been like that with HER TOO... He wouldn't be using stock romance "lines" on YOU.
This time, it's REALLY love. You're Special.<p>Sure, he did a *few* things in his past that were unkind, but he needs to be forgiven for HIS behavior, (after all, she drove him to it), but HER mistakes and reactions to his emotional abuse, were unforgivable. But things will be different with you. He won't think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. He won't apply a double-standard to YOU. He won't expect YOU to be perfect and subtely criticize you when you don't measure up to his standards. You're the one who is going to change his life.<p>And speaking of unforgivable, of COURSE he can't forgive her for doing things that *hurt* him (he's so deeply sensitive, you see) - but he couldn't possibly have lied about the things he said she did. He couldn't possibly have "set up" situations so he could cry foul... He wouldn't have ENCOURAGED her to do things so he could later claim that he was hurt by her... And, well, even if he DID, maybe do that, he certainly won't do it with YOU. You're too special for that. Any time he tells you he's happy for you and he encourages you to do something, he'll REALLY mean it, with YOU. He won't create a revisionist fantasy of your past so that he can insist you did things to hurt him as a justification for his cruelty to you. He won't secretly resent you for not devoting all your time to him. Even if he DID do that with her, he won't do it with you. Especially after he makes all those sacrifices for you. He won't secretly be dependent on YOU for all his attention. He won't be more demanding of you and your time and resent you when you don't give it all to him. Not THIS time. You're SPECIAL.<p>He's such a nice guy, he won't "help" you (especially unsolicited) and then have an unstated hidden agenda like he did with all the others. He's going to claim his right to be "selfish" now, because he's been so USED from all the excessive GIVING he did in the past that nobody really appreciated. The poor guy. He's never taken time to be selfish in the past - not even when he was sitting alone in his room, sucking off his hurts, or using other people. That wasn't selfish - that was just "acting out". But he's better now. Don't worry. He won't use his new-found right to be "selfish" against YOU. No. He really is a changed man, with you. With you he will give unconditionally.<p>It's no WONDER he behaved so badly! Look at how his wife was always hurting him, oppressing him with her refusal to live her life solely for him, expecting him to be honest with his feelings and actions, when he just wasn't ready. And besides, he just can't handle confrontation, you know? And like, she's just so SCARY when she's upset (it's just so unbeCOMing when women display any anger!) that he HAD to act that way. She actually raised her voice at times! Can you imagine? Nobody else is allowed to have anger and raise their voice except HIM. Because, like, he can't DEAL with it, and he shouldn't be expected to! He couldn't possibly have been projecting HIS issues on her so that someone else could have his anger FOR him, or so that he could get angry with someone other than himself! He couldn't possibly have been DELIBERATELY hitting all her hot buttons to hurt and upset her so he could lay blame. And, well, even if he DID do that for years, he won't do it anymore, with you.<p>And if somehow you accidentally do things that "trigger" his old abuse patterns, he'll be so sweet in telling you how you are doing things that remind him of her, so that YOU can change YOUR behavior. After all, you wouldn't want him to start acting emotionlly abusive again because of something YOU did.<p>And you don't have to worry about that, because you'll never get upset with him, and you'll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was "controlling," but it'll be different with you, because you know better. And you won't need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway, because he'll NEVER lie to YOU. He'll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won't have to "forget" any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won't be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won't withhold information, or distort or omitt the truth. He won't break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won't HAVE to, because you'll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he's so CLEVER and BRAVE to have escaped such a horrible relationship, and how wonderful it is that he is working so HARD to overcome his terrible past!<p>And it's a good thing he's not going to do any of those things he might have done in the past, because then you won't have to worry about forgiving him. You see, she REPEATEDLY forgave him for the lies and the accidentally-on-purpose "mistakes", and all that did was make him feel bad about himself - that she could forgive and he couldn't. Wasn't that AWFUL of her to make him feel so bad that way? So she DESERVED to be punished even more. And she should NEVER have shown any guilt when he manipulated her. It just caused him to hurt her more. He told her it was "like blood in the water for sharks" for him. She should have known better. YOU know better. But then, he won't be manipulative and passive-aggressive with YOU.He'll be different with you. You're SPECIAL.<p>And sure he made her work at the relationship when he wasn't really trying, but that wasn't being dishonest - he just didn't know what he really wanted, so that made it OK to put the burden of the relationship responsibility on her. Sure he admitted that he wanted her to make him the first priority in HER life, but he wasn't willing to afford her the same consideration. But that wasn't one of his patterns. He won't do that with YOU. Besides, he admitted his dishonest behavior after he abandon her, so that makes it ok. It erases everything. His slate's clean. He even said he was sorry, months later, so that shows how sincere he was. He couldn't possibly still have been interlacing the apology with blame. He's not STILL acting manipulative and projecting issues.... and well, if he is, he's only doing that with HER because of their history - he wouldn't do that with YOU. <p>And it's so sweet how he still talks about how much he cared for his wife, how much he did for her out of love. Sometimes, he even talks fondly of his treasured memories of her, of how she "helped" him (when she wasn't hurting him, the witch) - that must mean he's a deep, sensitive guy, right? Maybe you can even "help" him to forgive her and heal from his terrible past... Just like SHE thought she could "help" him.<p>And besides, he did so many NICE things for her and all those other women. That should count for SOMETHING, right? It's not like he was emotionally abusive or manipulative ALL the time. So it kind of cancels things out, right? It's not like he HIT anyone or anything. At least the things he did didn't leave any VISIBLE marks. Besides, he probably just made honest mistakes, that's all. He couldn't have actually got off on seeing them hurt and crying. He wouldn't have LAUGHED condescendingly in someone's face while she was crying. Not the man YOU are involved with. HE certainly doesn't remember doing anything like that - and HIS memory is inviolate.<p>He's told you how different he feels with YOU. How different he IS with you. How healing your love is. How much he NEEDS you. What a wonderful person he thinks you are. How important you are in his life. How much he values and appreciates you, and misses you when you are not together. How amazingly transformed he feels now that he has finally met someone as SPECIAL as YOU. So what if he told her the same things? He really MEANS it this time, with you. He's a changed person, (this time, for REAL) with you. You're special.<p>You don't need to talk to any of his ex's to find out what he was REALLY like, because the past is the past, right? You couldn't possibly learn anything from their experiences, because he's not going to be like that anymore. It couldn't possibly be that they have anything valid to say. Besides, you trust him to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH about his past (as far as he can "remember" it), right?<p>And he's such a sensitive, caring guy, he REALLY does wish he and his wife could be FRIENDS now. He can't understand why she would have NO desire to have any contact with him, NO desire to have anything to do with him - after all he did for her, after what they had. After all, SHE is the one who did unforgivable things. He's so uncomfortable around her now, because of how much she hurt him. He wouldn't STILL be projecting HIS issues on her, and implying that they are HER issues... After all, he's a changed man.<p>But you don't have to worry. He won't PUBLICLY divulge YOUR insecurities or deeply intimate things you told him in confidence to other women - he won't betray your trust - like he did with her. No matter what happens between you and him, you'll ALWAYS BE FRIENDS. You and he will always be able to work things out. So what if he said EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO HER (and all the others) too? It'll be different with you. You're special.<p>He won't wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU. He won't then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU. He won't start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU. He won't flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU. NO. He won't tell you that you just weren't meeting his needs or living up to his expectations. He won't expect you to read his mind. He won't try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems. He won't set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN). So what if he made all the same promises to her? Just because he was following some of his old patterns when he got involved with you, doesn't mean he's going to follow through on the rest of them. He's CHANGED now.<p>You're special. Just like SHE was when he was with HER. Just like they ALL thought they were. YOU are the one who can "fix" his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you're special! With you, he'll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won't become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won't play headgames anymore. He'll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won't be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE'S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he's removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his [censored] together. Not because he's done any REAL work. Not because he's actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change.<p>He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to "save" him from himself and "help" him become a better man, and that's YOU.<p>You just KNOW he'll be different with you. Right???

what is that, Jo? (sorry if I'm a little dense [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] )

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1:
<strong>what is that, Jo? (sorry if I'm a little dense [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] )</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
It's for Reaping. It's a letter written to the OW stating how the MM will be different with her .... NOT. <p>I hope Reaping understands that no matter who this man (her H) is with, he is doomed to repeat. Without any serious introspection on his part, he'll never find true happiness. <p>Jo

Faith-
It was a sarcastic justification of why the relationship with the OW will be different.<p>Jo-
I wish I could forward that on to all [censored]'s little bimbettes.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by justthewife:
Faith-
It was a sarcastic justification of why the relationship with the OW will be different.<p>Jo-
I wish I could forward that on to all [censored]'s little bimbettes.<hr></blockquote><p>The most interesting thing about this "letter" is I copied it from the OW board (GloryB).<p>Jo

The most interesting thing about this "letter" is I copied it from the OW board (GloryB).<p>Thanks. That's what I meant. I was wondering where it came from or who wrote it. <p>And it almost seemed like you were "telling" Reaping (through this letter - wherever it came from) that SHE fell for a big lie... and therefore rubbing salt in her wound. I KNEW you wouldn't be doing that, but I guess I was asking for clarification for myself and whoever else might be dense like me. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I hope Reaping understands that no matter who this man (her H) is with, he is doomed to repeat. Without any serious introspection on his part, he'll never find true happiness. <hr></blockquote><p>Right!<p>Thanks!!!<p>[ March 04, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Reaping, thanks so much for posting your story. We all make mistakes but sometimes the price we pay is phenomenal. Sounds like you are paying a very high price for your mistake. At least you have the maturity to look at it intelligently and learn from it. I wish you the best.

To Reaping,
I hope your pain will be comforted soon. You are not the first and you will not be the last so start to release the guilt. Now you can head in a direction unobstructed to growth and fulfillment. My take on your experience is that you can now help others avoid the same mistakes. When we are hurting the best remedy can be to go out and help others. As hard as it may seem, you can make yourself, your knowledge and experience, available to others who are in similar situations and perhaps make them see the light of day. I'm not sure how to do it. There are many out there who could use your perspective now.

Hi Reaping,<p>How are you doing today? We're here if you need to talk.<p>Jo

Reaping,
Please don't think I'm being judgemental. Both times you have written you have been drinking. Is this something new for you? A way to deal with the sadness?
Just a thought. Hoping for some peace for you.

Hello,<p>I am doing somewhat better today. I'm in San diego for a conference, I'm from the east coast and I guess jet lag and a terrible trip got the best of me.<p>It seems since this happened everything in my life has sort of fallen apart. My wallet was stolen on the plane, along with some valuables and combined with the pain I went a little over the edge. I'm paying dearly for it today, I might add.<p>I've not handled this very well I think. Somedays I wake up and it seems as if I'm going to be okay, and somedays I am crying when I wake up.<p>I think the fact that he shows no real remorse, not just for what he did to me, but what he did to his children, blows me away.<p>I don't ever want to reconcile with him, but the fact he doesn't seem to desire me hurts very much. The least the sob could do would be to act like I meant something to him. He tried to come back after his son died, but I could not and will not ever be back with him again, but I do want him to want me back...stupid I know, but true.<p>He is just moving along and enjoying himself. I hear they are moving to a house, and he is buying a brand new car. This is the same man who could not even pay half the bills when he was with me..now he's taking care of some woman and her children.<p>It has been nine months, and I should be over it by now, I know, and I will move on..but I've just been stuck in this anger stage, and I'm not sure when true forgiveness will set in. I know unforgivness binds me to him, but I just can't seem to truly do it yet. I pray that God will give me the power to forgive him, and I'm sure he will.<p>I have tried to see this other woman as I know I was at the time..truly in the dark...that other woman thing was so true..I wish I could send it to her, but you know how that would turn out. He is a master liar and manipulator. He would use it to enhance his position and to make me look like a fool. Been there done that.<p>I am proud that I only acted ugly one time, after a particularly horrible lie, I filled his answering machine up with hateful words. I am ashamed and I know it only brought them closer. She is so sure I am whatever he has told her I am, I have no way of knowing what that is anymore, because I cut off all communications. I let him have her, and I left them alone. I think that blew his mind. I just removed myself from the situation, I know how these things thrive on drama. It seems to bind people together, especially him. He really works that..Look how they have treated me...and I'm so good, how could this happen to me...I'm so distressed I can't work...that is for when he comes up short...I do all I can to help her..look how I helped her. The only thing is keeping it in has it's own downside, I have not really had a chance to express the full range of my disgust, hurt and all the other emotions that come along with this type of betrayal.<p>His daughter told me he has her believing he left all this furniture with me, because he is so good, and brought my car and jeep...lies, but what can I do that won't make me look like the bad guy. The women never believe the wife, we believe she just didn't know how to keep her man.<p>I confess that I hope he is in love with someone just like him...that he will get what he has coming, but it doesn't look good.<p>so...I don't even know what to say, it just a big mess,and I guess time and God will pull me through.
Have to go back to the conference.<p>Take care and thank you so much for the support. I didn't really expect it, and it feels good not to have to pretend I'm doing so great with this when I'm such a mess.<p>God bless,
Reaping

reaping, a tough way to go, and you sound pretty down, stick around the good folks here will help you find your way back to the light. I am not real good at sympathy, being more of a pragmatic type, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger mindset, so will leave most of the sympathy to others...not am I much into karma, what goes around, and so forth, evil does prosper, at least sometimes or apparently, and IMO it serves no purpose to focus on the fate of this man, ultimately he will answer (as do we all) for our sins, and is not for us to say who is better or worse....BUT we do have a lot to say about what we do.<p>To that end I suggest you work hard reaping at recovering your self-worth, understanding what happened, and putting that to work in your life. You have a good relationship with the daughter and a chance to help save that life from fathers bad influence, you also have a chance to witness perhaps (if you feel the calling), telling your story, maybe speaking in high schools etc.... the testionials of people who have been "there" is always more powerful than a stack of books, and "experts"...you can come to websites (like here) and tell your story.....you may decide to travel, or study something you never would have otherwise...you have an opportunity to look at your religious beliefs, many things. I want to use you for a minute too, to illustrate something about some human beings....<p>You were preyed on reaping, by an expert at human emotions...your description of this man horrifies us because it is incomprehensible one can be so self oriented.....but the thing is, he probably thinks he is ok, and really believes the things he says...that is why such folks are able to decieve us, how can we not believe them? They are experts at manipulation, they use people up, and throw them away without a thought. These people are sociopaths, and there are lots of them. You cannot recognize them (at least not easily) by talking with them, you havr to watch them, watch what they do, watch the patterns, and knowing they exist, you can uncover them. Unfortuneately people are not very aware of this type of person, so they can hide amongst us. Friends and family can catch on, cause they are not under the influence as much, but the victim ends up defending them, and gradually isolating themself, coming under the spell. Don't be too hard on yourself, and 12 years is a long time, but not a lifetime, you found out, lick your wounds, be a little angry, and live your life. If you want to mete out any consequences, maybe you and exw1 should invite his new victim to lunch, and any future women....also work with the kids, so they can reconcille the love for a father, with the reality of being sired by a sociopath, they need to completely seperate their lives from him. Such things as this will empower you, and help you get past feeling like a victim. Read up on sociopaths, that may help some too, and realize you are a "crime" victim, and will suffer some of the same pathology. <p>Good luck